Only Realized After Losing You

65. I Want To Be The Person You Trust The Most

Before he realized it, Hardwin was already in the garden.

He left in such a hurry that he didn’t put on a coat.

In his hands, however, was a thick blanket.

It was for Ellie, the blanket he always covered her with.

Hardwin sat down in front of Ellie, who was sitting motionlessly.

He was out of breath.

“Hah. Why are you here? It’s cold.”

He gasped raggedly.

Why did I come out in such a hurry?

It wasn’t even fully winter, and Ellie was wearing a shawl.

She looked at Hardwin, who had suddenly appeared, questioningly.

“I feel stifled and can’t sleep. Why did you come out?”

… Because I care about you.

But the words that came out of his mouth were blunt.

“You look cold. I went out on the balcony and saw you by chance.”

Hardwin nonchalantly draped the blanket he was holding over Ellie’s shoulders.

When he saw her covered in a large blanket, he finally felt relieved.

It wasn’t like anything big had happened… Why was I so worried about her?

He spoke bluntly, as if trying to hide his feelings.

“The arrogant Hannah shouldn’t catch a cold.”

“Indeed.”

“I hope you greet my uncle in the best condition possible.”

“You? You don’t need to wear a coat?”

“I, I am much sturdier than you.”

You’re silly. You stutter.

Hardwin let out a short sigh.

In his ears, he could hear Ellie’s laughter.

He felt a little embarrassed.

“Hardwin. Since you’re already here, sit next to me.”

“…Ah.”

He sat down next to her.

“You know, I’m thinking of Hannah a lot more today for some reason. We spent so little time together, so is it strange that I think about her so much?”

Hardwin asked.

“Do you miss her?”

“… Yeah. I miss her.”

“I miss her too.”

As he said that, he glanced down at Ellie.

He liked the way her long eyelashes fluttered at regular intervals.

“Do you want to go to the flower garden together later?”

It was Ellie who first proposed it.

Looking back, it seemed like it had been quite some time since they had been to that flower garden.

He hadn’t been there since the day after Hannah died, when he went with Ellie.

Hardwin asked.

“What do you want to do there?”

“Just show Hannah that we’re getting along.”

“Obviously.”

“Aren’t we getting along?”

“I didn’t say we weren’t.”

“Sometimes you can be hard to talk to, Hardwin. Is it hard for you to be honest?”

He flushed a little at that.

There was not a single bit of malice in Ellie’s words, so he was too embarrassed to openly express it.

She asked the question very innocently.

‘Why can’t you just tell me what you really think?’

Her honest, unsolicited words sometimes embarrassed Hardwin.

Asking for hugs. Saying that you will be by my side and that you will believe in me.

If anyone heard that, they would think that she liked them.

It was a good thing he was perceptive, otherwise…

“… … .”

Hardwin’s gaze towards Ellie softened.

He ruffled her hair as casually as he usually did.

“Forget it. Don’t say that in front of anyone else but me.”

“Don’t talk like that? Why?”

“… … .”

Because other people might misunderstand.

Because your pure and affectionate words might stir feelings in another man.

Hardwin didn’t like it.

The thought of her offering to hug another man, or be there for him, or trust him.

It was a horrible thing to even imagine.

“Men… hmm? They have a cunning side. You must also know how to hide your own feelings. That way, you won’t get hurt.”

“Aha. I see. But why are you the only one excluded from that?”

“Because I am someone you trust.”

Hardwin amended her statement, while looking at Ellie’s expression.

“… The most.”

I want to be the person you trust the most.

Those were his true feelings.

“Hardwin is right. I trust you the most!”

Ellie was quick-witted in a strange way, Hardwin thought.

“There’s no need to emphasize the word ‘most.’”

“Heh heh. Hardwin, you’re cute.”

“It’s not cute at all?”

“At times like this, I’m glad we’re friends.”

“Friends…”

For some reason, he didn’t like hearing the word friend.

Why was that?

Ellie’s gaze, which had been gazing up blankly at the night sky, fluttered towards Hardwin.

She met his eyes, who had been staring at her earlier.

“What’s with the look on your face? Don’t you like being called a friend? Maybe you would rather be called a servant…”

He knew that nonsense was a joke.

Hardwin smiled mischievously.

His gaze never left her face.

Your honest words without any reservations.

Your long eyelashes brushing against your cheeks.

Your lips slightly twitching when speaking.

The way you freeze for a moment when I ruffle your hair.

The truth came out unexpectedly.

“… I want to monopolize it.”

Hardwin looked a little surprised, as if he couldn’t believe he said that.

It was in a small voice, so he hoped Ellie didn’t hear it properly.

“Huh?”

“No. Nothing.”

“You want to monopolize it? What do you mean you want to monopolize?”

… Ellie seemed to have heard it clearly.

Hardwin let out a long sigh, bowing his head slightly.

“Haa. You’re so honest and oblivious sometimes …”

“… … .”

“I can’t hate you because you’re like that.”

Did you show this side to the three men from your past?

He still wasn’t curious about what the three men’s secrets were.

But he was very concerned about what happened between them and her.

The guy looking for his master, or the two gloomy guys from the Hills Duchy…

Perhaps they felt the same way he did towards Ellie.

“I don’t hate Hardwin either.”

Hardwin couldn’t think straight anymore.

Because Ellie’s hand, which reached out at him without hesitation, stroked his hair.

Her touch was so warm.

“Hardwin. Your face in the moonlight, your hair. Beautiful.”

Again. A sudden and honest remark.

Hardwin felt his ears growing hot.

“Let’s go inside now. I’m seriously catching a cold.”

“Yeah.”

Hardwin pushed himself up from his seat, unable to lift his bowed head.

Even as he walked in front of her, his attention was focused on his back.

Is she following me alright?

I wonder if my pace is too fast.

He slowed his pace significantly.

Her voice echoed faintly behind him.

“Hardwin. Is it okay if I don’t sleep with you today?”

Hardwin really lost it this time.

His head snapped back and he looked straight at Ellie.

“Ellie! This time you definitely teased me!”

“Yeah, that’s right. Heh heh.”

Hardwin thought as he watched Ellie giggling with her mouth covered.

… Ah, Hannah.

As you wished, I am happy.

Even in a world without you, in a situation where I still cannot inherit the county.

I can no longer deny that I am happy.

A faint smile spread across Hardwin’s face.

* * *

We had a lot of free time recently, so we played chess…

“Checkmate.”

I was losing to Hardwin every day.

Just as Hannah was undefeated against Baltan, Hardwin was undefeated against me.

Perhaps it was an inevitable result.

I first learned how to play chess from Hardwin, and Hardwin said that he and Hannah had played chess often before.

“Ah. I lost again. I guess I can’t beat Hardwin.”

“Then it’s time for your punishment.”

We had decided on a punishment: a slap on the wrist of the loser, like a ten-year-old child.

And I had already been slapped on the wrist by Hardwin three times.

Of course he didn’t hit me hard, but I wanted to play a prank on him.

It definitely was not because I wanted to take it out on Hardwin for losing four times.

“Are you really going to hit me again? I’m hurt… My wrist is red. Do you want to take a closer look?”

I walked over to Hardwin, who was sitting on the couch across from me.

I tilted my upper body slightly and showed him my reddened wrist.

Hardwin flinched noticeably.

“Ah…”

He turned his head to the side, unable to look at my wrist.

The tips of his ears, peeking through his hair, were slightly red.

“What’s the matter?”

“… Okay. This time, I’ll skip the penalty. And.”

Hardwin quickly took off the cardigan he was wearing and put it on me.

And what the heck. The cardigan was buttoned up tightly.

But he didn’t even look at me as he did so.

“You’re… careless… with the way you’re dressed. Phew. Okay, I guess I’ll be the only one suffering.”

What was wrong with the dress?

I just wore what Madeleine gave me.

The dress I wore today had a pretty V-neck plunge with added lace along the bust line.

It was then that Hardwin’s pale face was flushed a deep red.

“Ha-Hardwin. You have a nosebleed.”

“… … !”

He was startled and wiped the tip of his nose with the back of his hand.

I quickly grabbed a handkerchief and handed it to him.

Hardwin held the handkerchief to the tip of his nose.

The white handkerchief quickly turned red.

“I-I must be tired. It’s definitely not because I have bad thoughts about you. You understand?”

“Yeah. But are you okay? Have I been bothering you too much lately?”

Hardwin insisted.

“That’s not it.”

But I was quite worried about him.

It was Hardwin who was doing the work that the Count was supposed to do in my stead.

I even had a feeling that maybe he was overworking himself.

The good news was that his nosebleed quickly stopped.

Hardwin got up from his seat, looked at the mirror in Hannah’s room, and wiped his nose cleanly.

“I’ll buy you a new handkerchief.”

I was just about to say it was okay.

But then Madeleine’s voice rang out from outside the room.

“Count, Lord Hardwin. Mr. Baltan has come to see you.”