Only Realized After Losing You

1.Mute Ellie

I was a beautiful doll, unable to answer, made only to listen.

* * *

Of course, I was not born without the ability to talk, as I was not mute from birth.

I was once a child who could say words like ‘mom’, ‘dad’, and ‘love’. It was like that until I was at least five years old.

The reason I started losing my language was because of a simple game.

“Ellie, let’s play a game with your father.”

“Yes, father.”

“Now you just listen to me. You must never talk back, and you must not pay attention to what I am saying. Do you understand?”

“Yes, father.”

“Good. Then keep your mouth shut from now on.”

My father’s face, which had been smiling kindly, suddenly changed.

He shouted at me with a face like a devil from a picture book.

“That damn bastard Baron fucked me again today. If it weren’t for my damn wife and children, I would have quit right away. Damn every corner of this house.”

My father was an employee that worked menial jobs.

His occupation was that of a Baron’s assistant.

Although it was a fancy term for a secretary, in reality, most of the work my father did was dirty.

To put it simply, it was a job that “fixed” accidents caused by members of the barony who misbehaved.

In any case, there was only a dark aura around my father when he uttered those violent words.

It made me wonder if two horns would rise above his head and make him look like a devil.

I was so shocked that I trembled.

But still, I listened to all of my father’s swearing and anger.

Because this was just a simple game where I shouldn’t answer.

I was happy to hear my father’s praise after the game was over.

“You are very good at listening.”

“Yes, father. Thank you…”

“You can’t talk back.”

“But the game is over?”

“You’re good at listening. Let’s get into the habit of not talking back even after the game is over. I think you were born for that.”

“… … .”

So the game did not end.

Time passed, seasons changed, and my age, which was once one digit, became two digits.

My silver hair, which only reached my shoulders, now fell to my waist.

Even when I recognized the name of the Baron whose name I didn’t know before.

It showed no sign of ending.

On the contrary, the number of people participating in the game had only increased.

My sister and mother began to share with me their complaints, hardships, and even their secrets.

I felt like a priest in a cathedral offering the sacrament of confession.

Then, at some point, I started forgetting to speak.

It happened very naturally.

I tried to express something verbally, but no words came out of my lips.

How do I say…?

At first it was hopelessness I felt.

Losing the language to express it meant something like that.

But my father said,

“It might be a good thing that you became mute.”

My father praised me even more for being mute and spoke words of comfort to me.

As if not being able to speak was a blessing.

Despair soon led to indifference.

From the beginning, I had very little to say.

It was not as uncomfortable, not being able to speak, than I thought.

I didn’t really feel the need to speak.

I was able to read and write a little bit to replace talking. 

However, I never received proper education.

Maybe that’s why I wasn’t able to write nice sentences.

All I could express in writing was a light expression of intent.

My family did not teach me how to read and write perfectly.

If I could write well, the likelihood of their secrets being leaked increased.

I had to remain a confidential receiver.

At least it had to remain that way for them.

Mute Ellie.

That was the name given to me.

No, let me correct that.

Poor Ellie, who was rendered mute by heteronomous methods.

My father didn’t just leave me at home like that.

One summer day when I was seventeen, my father spoke with a face filled with greed.

“Ellie. Let’s reveal your abilities to the world and put them to good use.”

I nodded.

I didn’t ask how they planned to use me, a mute that wouldn’t reveal any secrets.

Because I thought it wouldn’t change anything even if I knew.

My father never went back on a decision he made.

Our home was the small world he had created, and so my father’s words were close to absolute.

Of course, I never once had any rebellious thoughts of not doing it.

It was because I had become so accustomed to what I had been doing since I was young.

If I rejected my father, his devil-like face may come to the surface.

He might scold me with that scary face that laughed at the Baron.

He might even sell me somewhere.

My father had every reason to do that.

I knew that ten years ago, my father sold my younger sibling, who was born unexpectedly.

“Ellie. Your mother thinks your sibling died from food poisoning… Actually, I sold that child to the slave market. Have you ever heard it cry, and how it cries so bitterly…?”

My father continued with a frown.

“Anyway, I couldn’t take care of my third child due to the family’s circumstances. Rather than living in our house, which is like a gutter, it would be better for that child to meet a good master and live happily.”

Despite the shocking truth, I had no choice but to listen.

“Of course I was distressed too. Because I am that child’s father and a human being.”

After his confession, he burst into tears.

I did nothing, neither comforted nor criticized, but just looked at my father shedding tears.

There was a faint smile on my father’s lips as he lowered his head and wiped away his tears with his sleeve.

I saw my father’s fake tears for the first time.

I couldn’t forget my father’s fake tears and the child’s resonant cries.

Where is my younger sibling, who would have been fifteen by now?

Are you even alive?

I realized something big at that moment.

If my father senses that I won’t be of help…

My father would dispose of me just like he sold my younger sibling.

I knew too much that I was not supposed to have known.

My father’s ugly side, my mother’s infidelity, my sister’s depression.

Anyway, that was the conclusion I came to: Let’s follow what father tells us.

So I decided to become an emotional receiver for people other than my family.

To be honest, I had no idea what I could be good at other than ‘this job’.

* * *

Just before getting into the carriage that stopped in front of the house, the driver covered my eyes with a white cloth.

Then my vision vanished.

I didn’t think much of it and followed the coachman’s lead, climbing into the carriage.

The carriage traveled for a long time. It had been a while since I went out, so I was a little nervous.

When was the last time I went outside?

My family complained to me every day, and when they weren’t looking for me, I would look out the window or tend to the flower garden.

Although I rarely did housework, there were some restrictions on leaving the house.

My father hated me going outside.

I couldn’t quite understand my father’s intentions, but I didn’t want to disobey him.

After I counted to one hundred in my mind, the carriage stopped.

When I got off the carriage, it was not the coachman who helped me.

I got out of the carriage with the help of a woman who had probably been in the carriage with me for who knows how long.

Even though I was blindfolded, I assumed the person holding my hand was a woman because her hand was very soft.

Fine hands that seem like they have never touched the dirty things of the world.

It was a hand that felt extremely different from the rough hands of the coachman.

I followed her lead and started to be guided somewhere.

Of course, the white cloth covering my eyes was not removed.

So I didn’t know where this place was or what was happening.

I climbed some stairs, walked down a long hallway, and entered a room.

If you ask me if it was scary, I couldn’t say.

Maybe it was because the other person’s hand was so soft.

The smooth hand that felt so good to touch somehow put me at ease.

When I realized it, the person I was walking with had stopped walking.

“… Were you frustrated? Now let me take off the cloth covering your eyes.”

I was slightly surprised by the voice that broke the silence.

Because that voice belonged to a man.

The man untied the knotted cloth with delicate and careful hands.

Eventually, the cloth came undone and my vision became brighter.

I frowned.

My eyes that were accustomed to darkness were unable to adapt to bright light.

But it didn’t take long for focus to return.

I captured the panoramic view for the first time in my field of vision.

The thing that stood out the most among the scenery was the man who spoke to me.

The man was the most beautiful person I have ever seen in my life.

If he doesn’t move, you can think of him as a doll.

Well-groomed golden hair with no tangles at all and pale silver eyes. A straight nose bridge. Clear white skin.

It was a very perfect face.

I thought it was a face that was better suited to being called beautiful rather than handsome.

At first glance, the man’s clothes seemed to be made of excellent material.

It was a stark contrast to the dress I wore as a lowly commoner.

I guess this is the guy.

It was clear that he was a man born with nobility.

Could he be a master from some high-ranking family?

Is it possible that a man like this also has circumstances that he keeps in his heart that he cannot reveal to others?

I was skeptical.

I was also really curious what he would confide in.