Moonlit Waters

I don’t know for how long we talk. She tells me a lot about how to deal with traumatic experiences and coping mechanisms.

She helps me book an appointment with a professional psychotherapist merely two towns over in ‘just’ a month. She tells me that she’s going to be staying in town for another two weeks before finally going back to London. Until then, I can come to her whenever I need to, but she expects me at least once a week.

By the time I leave the hostel, it’s noon and I feel a lot better. I’m not naive enough to believe that I’m cured now, far from it. But I’m no longer scared of the night. I’m no longer scared of being alone. I feel prepared.

Still, I’m glad when I come home and see Pearl and Isa sit at the kitchen table, eating. Isa must have made lunch, both of them have a heap of fried vegetables on their plates and the smell is tantalising.

“Hi, Lena,” Pearl greets me, waving at me with a big smile.

“Hey there,” Isa says and moves to get up, but I stop her.

“Don’t trouble yourself, I know how to use a spoon,” I tell her, managing a weak smile.

She sticks out her tongue at me as I turn to take a plate from the cupboard next to the oven and fill it with vegetables from the frying pan.

“So,” Isa asks once I’ve sat down. “How did it go? Did it help?”

I nod. “Was great. She told me all sorts of things about-” My eyes flicker to Pearl and I reformulate. “my situation. She said the most important part is to have people around that I trust and feel I can talk to.”

“What a lucky girl you are,” Pearl says through a mouthful of food.

“Yes.” As I watch my sister chew I have an idea. “Y’know, Reyna also said that I should do ‘normal’ things. So what do you say, it’s been some time since we last played Mario Kart, hasn’t it?”

“It has,” Isa agrees, pointedly not looking at Pearl, who’s opened her mouth in excitement, forgetting that she still hasn’t swallowed down her food.

So I call Alex and he agrees. Contrary to me, he has returned to school by now and will only be back in a few hours, though. Fortunately for Isa and I, Pearl has no problem at all spending the time teaching us one of her favourite board games. She absolutely wrecks both of us every single time, but we don’t care.

When finally Alex texts me that he’s tidied up his room enough for it to be presentable, we make our way over.

The sky outside is a little cloudy today and all three of us bring jackets. At the moment it’s still warm enough to be out in a T-shirt, but none of us honestly expect to return home before nightfall.

Alex opens the door and lets us in, then leads us to the kitchen and hands everybody something to carry upstairs. Snacks, drinks, everything. We won’t have to leave his room for quite some time and that’s the point.

We let Isa play a round solo against bots for warm-up. Turns out Pearl is an even worse backseat gamer than I used to be. She keeps shouting pieces of advice and commands and I end up giving her a little nudge to make her tone it down a little.

This time around, Alex and Isa are sitting one the couch, Pearl and I at their feet. I’m leaning against Alex’s legs and Pearl is lying on the carpet stomach down.

I can tell that he’s holding his legs deliberately still so I’m comfortable.

“I can just lean against the sofa if you’d prefer,” I tell him in a low voice. How would I know what he thinks of maintained physical contact with me?

But he shakes his head. “I like it,” he says with a small smile. “So unless you want to…”

Quickly, I turn away again so he won’t see me blush.

It’s… weird, but certainly nice.

We start the first match and Alex and I take to our well-tested tactic of simply trolling each other while Isa does her best to keep up with Pearl.

One round becomes two, two become four and it goes on until I lose count. It’s not about the game anyway. It’s about being together and them having fun kind of makes me feel like I’m having fun, too… Later that day, Alex and I even begin including the two girls in our trickery because Isa is pulling dangerously far ahead.

At seven PM, Alex’s mother knocks on the door and tells us that dinner’s ready. It’s simple noodles with tomato sauce, except it isn’t because his mother does something with the sauce that just makes it so much better. Pearl and I, both having grown up with this taste, continue eating way past the others are finished and Alex’s Dad jokes about the appetite being part of our genetic code. And that’s a good sign, isn’t it? That I like eating.

I’m glad his parents are acting like they used to. Alex must’ve told them that that would probably help me the most. There’s no way attentive people like them could manage to not catch onto any of the drama of the past week.

After dinner we return to Alex’s room and Pearl proposes we watch Tangled. The moment Isa says that she hasn’t seen the movie yet is the moment I know there’s no way Alex and I are getting out of this. Not that I mind all that much. There’s a reason why I’ve seen it so many times before.

Isa finds the movie absolutely hilarious and I like the sound of her laughter. I like the way Alex holds his legs still for me and the way Pearl cuddles up to me. It helps me feel at peace, almost, and I space out until the movie has finished.

By then it’s late at night. Unfortunately, Pearl is practically brimming with energy.

“I don’t wanna go home yet,” she whines as Alex turns of the TV, clinging to my arm to keep me on the ground. I stand up anyway and she manages to hold on, which leaves me standing with her dangling from my arm.

“You have school tomorrow,” I tell her matter-of-factly.

“But I’m not tired. I don’t need that much sleep.”

I give her a stare. “You know exactly that it doesn’t work like that.”

“Aren’t you the big sister? Don’t you have, like, a responsibility to be at least a bit of a bad influence?” Isa asks with a grin.

“EXACTLY!” Pearl shouts. “The old people aren’t what they used to be! What happened to big sisters being cool? If you want to have secret nights out with Alex, you’ll have to bribe me!”

“Tough luck, little one. Premarital sex is legal and our parents know that.” That’s the weird part. While saying the words, I feel real smug about having come up with a retort that quickly. Until I realise what I just said and want to just… conveniently vanish.

Isa’s rolling on the floor, shrieking with laughter and even Alex is laughing. Pearl doesn’t look like she quite understands, but she finally puts her feet to the ground and lets go of my arm. It was starting to hurt a little.

“Can’t we, like, go for a walk or something?”

I look at Alex. The two of us used to take nightly walks through the forest regularly – once we stopped being scared of the dark forest. However much I desire being smug about sending Pearl to bed, the idea is appealing.

He shrugs. “Yeah, sure.”

I turn to Isa. “Seems like it’s gonna be a late night.”

“But we knew that coming here,” she laughs.

-

“So, where are we going?” I ask as Alex pulls the door shut behind us.

“Not the lake!” Pearl demands, seizing the moment. “Show me something new!”

“The spot we went to yesterday?” Alex asks and I shrug.

“Sure.”

“What spot?” Pearl asks.

He gives her a big and smug grin. “It’s gonna be a surprise. You just worry about not getting scared by the howling of the wolves and the sound of cannibals sneaking up on us-”

Her reply is a sneer. “You’re so funny.”

“Yeah right?”

Pearl was never one to be scared of the dark. She seems to simply be missing the genetic code for that.

The night is bright. The clouds have gone, leaving a clear sky and an almost full moon. The air is cool enough that I zip up my jacket, but with it on, it’s comfortable enough.

The streets around us lie abandoned. Only occasionally, there’s the low sound of music coming from an open window or a car driving past.

We walk leisurely. Pearl looks like she would like to be faster, but I suppose she realises that that would only accelerate our arrival at home and thereby her arrival in bed.

“So, Pearl, what do you want to become when you’re one of the ‘old people’, like us?” Isa asks eventually to fill the silence.

The question leads to Pearl starting this really long monologue, listing pretty much every job she’s thought about throughout the last three years. Everything’s there, from doctor over astronaut to author and actress.

Isa doesn’t seem particularly surprised, though, and even tells my little sister that she thinks she’s smart and capable enough to pull off any of those.

To be honest, I don’t even think I disagree. That little human, walking next to me in the dark with this special bounce to her step, is really something.

At the same time, Isa’s question also succeeds in tiring Pearl out a little. Because she’s talking almost non-stop, even when we leave the footpath in the forest by balancing over the fallen tree and begin climbing the hills.

By the time we hear the rushing water, her pace has slowed considerably and she’s breathing a little heavier. It’s expected, really, she’s still much smaller than all of us. I still remember the way Alex and I used to wheeze on the way here.

But despite all that, my sister doesn’t fail to notice the sound of the waterfall.

Her ears perk and she looks at me. “Is that -hhh- our destination?” she asks, pointing in the direction of the noise.

Alex nods. “Yup.”

He’s walked ahead a little, climbing the last slope at his own pace and is now looking back at us so he won’t miss Pearl’s reaction.

And a reaction it is. Even in the dark, her eyes go visibly wide and she inhales deeply in awe.

“Is this one of the secret spots -hhh- you and Alex used to go to?” she asks me.

“Yes. Somebody has to keep the secrets once we’ve moved out, don’t you think?”

Alex giggles. “Pass on the marauder’s map.”

“So I can show this to my friends, too?”

“Soon as we’ve moved out,” he says with a friendly grin. “Until then, this is still ours.”

She barely waits for him to finish before jogging ahead.

“Careful! You might fall,” I call after her, but she doesn’t. Both fall and listen, the lucky snot.

We follow at a more careful pace and by the time we arrive, she’s already standing on the rocks, leaning out to hold her hand into glittering water.

It’s a magical sight, my sister in awe at the waterfall Alex and I discovered over a decade ago.

“Good idea to bring her here,” I tell him.

He giggles. “I’ve been waiting for the right moment for a while now. Just never found a good opportunity until now.”

I blush. “Sorry…”

He puts his arm around my shoulders and gives them a light squeeze. “Don’t worry. We’re here now. That’s more than enough.”

We stay by the waterfall for a while, sit on the rocks in the moonlight and talk. It’s mostly just insignificant memories and anecdotes except they’re not insignificant at all because they’re told at night by the waterfall where the sound of wind in the leaves and the rushing of water intertwine to sing a beautiful song of nature as the moon shines its mysterious silvery light down on us. And I love it. I wish we could do this every day, every night for the rest of our lives and then I decide that fuck that because this moment is too nice to waste with wishes for the future.

So instead I lean into Alex and let him put his arm around me to keep me warm and nobody argues when we finally decide to return home.

The way back home is quiet, only interrupted by the sounds of nature and occasional yawning. The lights at home have long been turned off and Pearl heads up to the bathroom without argument as soon as she’s taken off her shoes.

Alex, Isa, and I linger a little.

“So, what do you think?” Alex asks once we’ve heard Pearl close the door to the bathroom.

I give him a confused look. “What do I think about what?”

“About today,” he explains. “Think it helped you?”

Right. Claire. The trauma. I almost forgot, which is… very strange but at the same time really nice?

“Yes,” I say, giving a nod. “I liked it.”

“Woooooh,” Isa cheers in a low voice that’s barely more than a whisper, holding out her fist for Alex. “Success in my books!”

Alex nods, lightly bumping his fist against hers. “I’m glad we can help.” He yawns. “Alright, uhm, I should probably go now.”

He waves and is about to turn away when I step forward.

“Alex?”

“Hm?”

I’m slow in hugging him. He has more than enough time to signal that he doesn’t want this, but he doesn’t, so I put my arms around him and hug him tightly.

“Thank you.”