Moonlit Waters

Isa and I stay at Shay’s for a few more hours. We talk about all sorts of meaningless things. Both of them seem to have come to the conclusion that that’s a great way to help me regain a little normalcy and it seems to work. We eat cake and Shay tells me a lot about trans culture and how people usually transition if they don’t have a magical comet show up and help out. Isa and Shay seem to be getting along fine. They don’t seem like they’re going to be best friends for the rest of their lives – unsurprisingly so, with how differently their personalities work – but for the time being they can keep a conversation going and even laugh at each other’s jokes.

Eventually, though, Shay has to go to work and Isa and I take the bus home. It’s early afternoon by the time we arrive and I stop when I first catch sight of our front door because Alex is standing right in front of it. He must’ve rang the bell a few seconds ago and now Pearl opens it for him and she says something and points at us. He turns and for a moment we’re caught blankly staring at each other, then he raises his arm to wave.

“C’mon,” Isa says encouragingly. “Let’s go, before he runs off again.”

That’s enough to snap me out of it.

It feels weird, walking towards him, not even a day after he told me that he needed time.

“Hi,” he says, a little awkwardly and puts out his arms to hug me. It doesn’t last long, it doesn’t feel anything like the hugs we used to share, but he does it and I don’t understand the world.

“Hi,” I stammer once he’s let go of me again, face growing hot. Isa is next to me and they hug, too, but it seems like they do it for completeness’ sake more than anything.

“I made lemonade,” Alex says with a small smile. “And sandwiches. I thought we could… go to the waterfall together and… I don’t know… Just…”

He blushes and I turn towards Isa.

“Sorry, would you mind…?”

She shakes her head hurriedly. “‘Course not! Where do you want me to wait?”

So I go outside and he follows me awkwardly and I close the door behind us and take him a few steps further.

“I’m confused,” I say, my face still hot.

He doesn’t meet my eyes.

“Sorry…”

“You have nothing to apologise for,” I say with irritation, remembering what Shay had said earlier.

I feel like I have the responsibility to shout at you for it because he’s not going to, is he?

“Just… Please tell me what you’re trying to achieve, so that we’re both on the same page about what we’re even doing here. I’d love to go to the waterfall with you and Isa, but… Let’s please not make the mistake of thinking that we can get over this by just not talking?”

“I… It’s… I thought helping you past… whatever you’re going through right now, that should come first right now.”

“Oh.” Right. Why did I expect him to think of nothing but what I did to him? Catch up, girl, this is Alex you’re talking about! “So that’s it…” Still, I’d been hoping.

“No, that’s not it. I mean, that’s…” He pauses, pinches the bridge of his nose in between thumb and index finger. “I’m literally unable to talk for some reason.”

“Take your time.”

He pauses, inhales, opens his mouth, halts. “I’m here because I care, is what I mean to say. I care about you and I care about us. I’m here to help you and if it makes all this easier if we spend time together because of this and I realise that really I don’t care about what you said… I’m fine with it.

But that shouldn’t matter, so-”

“It matters to me,” I whisper, barely meeting his eyes.

He stops short and considers me for a moment, then he says, “Okay, then… I mean, I don’t think I want to talk about it right now… And anyway, what’s there to say. You apologised, I told you how I felt. So, really… I mean, why don’t we talk about that in a week or two, so it’s easier, and maybe by then I’ll have stopped caring?”

“But aren’t things still… weird?”

“But they won’t ever not be, meeting the first time after a fight.” He pauses and nervously licks his lips. “What I’m trying to say is… I care about you, okay? Your well-being matters more to me than anything else.”

“And your well-being matters to me!” I retort heatedly. “That’s the whole point! I want you to take care of yourself, too! I don’t want you to be secretly miserable just so I can feel better.” There are tears in my eyes and I’m blinking hectically so he won't see. I don’t think I succeed.

He takes my gesturing hands firmly in his, captures them, holds them still, calms them. “Do I look miserable to you?” he asks, his gaze meeting mine unwaveringly.

“No?”

“Right. So how about this. We go out there, with Isa. Without forcing anything. Just be ourselves and if it’s too weird for either of us, we go back and there are no hard feelings. We can always try again tomorrow or the day after.”

I love him so much. And I really hate myself for what I said to him, but he wants to do this so who am I to say I’m not ready? What right do I have not to be?

“Okay.”

-

Isa opens the door only seconds after I’ve knocked and steps aside to let us in.

“So, what’s the plan?”

I nod shortly. “We’re going.”

She accepts it. “Alright then. Do we need any more supplies or do you have everything?” she asks Alex.

With a grin he begins counting on his fingers. “I’ve got two bottles of lemonade, one with water and a large box of sandwiches, probably like twenty overall?”

Isa giggles a little. “Yeah, I guess we’re all set, then.”

So we leave. I don’t know where Pearl has disappeared off to; she must’ve said hello to Isa earlier after having come back from school.

Isa does most of the talking along the way. She walks in between us and tells us all about her start into the final year of school. Apparently, there’s a lot of tea for someone like Isa to spill and oh boy, she does a lot of spilling, likely because she can safely assume that neither of us are going to carry any of the funny stories onwards.

I find myself listening with only half an ear. It’s pleasant background noise and it keeps me distracted enough not to think of anything I shouldn’t be thinking of, but not much more. I doubt she expects it to be different, though.

She only stops when we’re almost by the waterfall and then she also slows a little and listens.

“We’re almost there, aren’t we?”

I totally forgot that she’s been there only once, so it only makes sense that she doesn’t remember the exact position.

“Yes,” Alex says. “We are.”

We ascend the leaf-covered hill before us and there it is, beautiful as ever.

The weather is cooler than last time I’d been here. Warm enough to be out in a T-shirt, but I also don’t feel too warm in the long jeans.

“Did you know that it was Alex’s idea that I show you this place?” I ask Isa.

It takes her a moment to catch up with my words, then she smiles. “No, but now that you say it, I’m absolutely not surprised.”

I nod as we close in on the rushing sound of water. “To be fair, it didn’t even occur to me at the time that you could be interested in me.”

Isa giggles. “Humble as ever. By the way, is it weird to ask whether you’re generally attracted to women? I mean, you’ve had some time to think about that now, right?”

I shrug. “Probably? I used to have this really weird relationship with sexuality. Like, I’d occasionally have a crush but it never really played much of a role in my life.”

“Remember Sarah from the year above us?” Alex asks from Isa’s other side. “You used to say you liked her through most of middle grade. Did you mean that at the time?”

“Probably not?” I say with a light shake of my head. “I mean, I think I thought I liked her, but looking back I’m pretty sure it was just that I thought she looked really nice and I liked looking at her.”

“Because really you wanted to be her, rather than be with her.”

“Not entirely improbable, eh?” I reply with the smallest of smiles.

We arrive by the water and begin climbing up the rocks until we’re at the top and sit down, Alex in the middle. It’s weird, having both of them here at the same time.

“Remember what we talked about last time we were here?” Isa asks, leaning forward as Alex unpacks the food from his rucksack.

“We talked about hobbies and I felt horribly inferior to you in every way,” I say.

It’s weird. I’m pretty sure that a week ago I’d have giggled after saying that, but it feels like that was years ago and now I just don’t.

Isa doesn’t pick up on it, though.

“While I was trying my freaking best to show that I was interested in having a conversation with you and tried to get to know you. And then you told me all about how much you like Alex,” she goes on in a sing-song voice. “And how strong he is.”

From the corner of my eye I can see Alex blush violently.

“And I was trying soooo hard to get the conversation back to you and give you some opportunity to tell me about all the cool things you could do.”

It’s funny, it really is. But I don’t laugh. Should I fake a laugh? Would they think me weird if I was able to laugh a second after almost having been killed? Now it’s too late anyway. This is weird. But then again, isn’t that the point of all this? To help me past all this shit?

I eventually settle on a vague smile that feels weird in my cheeks, but it’s still better than staring at them without any emotion.

“Yeah, she even asked me whether I could carry her as far as you carried me that time,” I tell Alex to keep the conversation going.

“And she was so damn hesitant about it,” Isa joins in.

“And rightfully so. We crashed when you told me to run with you on my back,” I retort with a raised eyebrow.

“And we laughed until our sides hurt.”

“Nope. My sides hurt even before that.”

Alex hands me a sandwich and offers me an open bottle of lemonade, and I take a swig. It doesn’t feel the same as it did back when he lured me out here for the first time in so long or when he carried all that stuff out to the rocks in the middle of the lake. It’s not the same, but it’s nice, still.

-

The sun has gone down by the time we return home. The lights at home are on and the smell of lasagne greets me when I unlock the front door. The smell and voices. More voices than there should be.

I shrug at the quizzical look Isa gives me and take off my shoes.

The voices go silent and there are steps coming towards us.

It’s Mum, worry clearly visible on her face.

“Hey,” she says in a low voice. “You have guests… I wanted to send them away but they seemed genuinely worried about you and…” She seems almost guilty about it. “I didn’t know whether they were involved and I wanted to at least hear your opinion on it before-”

“Who’re-” I begin, confused, but then I step past her to get a look at those two guests in the kitchen and see Mika and Emma anxiously meet my eyes.

My stomach turns. I feel sick all of a sudden and I want to run.

They are here. At my home.

Mika and Emma.

Here to finish what Claire started?

No, wait. Claire never mentioned them. They never did anything to me, far as I know.

“One word and I’ll see to it that they’re never coming here again. Ever,” Mum says, the fear on her face deep.

I shake my head ever so lightly. “No, I’ll…” I turn to Alex and Isa. “I think I should talk to them but… I can’t do it alone.”

Not after what happened the last time. I might be stupid, but not incapable of learning.

Isa gives a short nod. “Yeah, sure. Not like I’d let you in there on your own anyway.”

Warmth, pulsing affection. “Thank you,” I whisper, then, with one last glance at Alex, who also nods his approval, I turn and walk ahead to the kitchen.

I stop in the door, cautious.

Mika moves to get up but Alex stops her.

“Don’t,” he says sharply. His expression is tense, maybe even angry. I don’t think they can tell the difference.

Mika sits back down and her brow creases fearfully.

“What’s going on?” Emma asks now, confused. “Your Mum’s-”

She stops, her gaze stuck on me.

I hate how I can’t get myself to stand up straight and confident. I can’t meet her eyes. I just can’t.

TIMOTHY!

My hand finds the bracelet on my wrist and begins feverishly searching it for the small switch, but then I halt. There’s a warm hand on my arm and Isa pulls me into her and I feel her comforting warmth and that helps a little.

“Why are you here?” Alex asks now as Isa leads me to take position by the counter, fairly far away from them, with Alex there to intercept anybody that could try to attack me.

I’m glad he’s asking the questions because I can’t will my mouth open. I’m mute. Powerless in the face of a threat I’m note even sure is a threat.

Laughter rings in my ears.

“Claire wasn’t at school today,” Mika’s saying now. Her voice is even smaller than usual. “She didn’t react to texts and she’s been acting strange recently so we got worried. Emma called her Mum and she said that Claire wouldn’t be coming to school anytime soon but wouldn’t tell us what happened. And you weren’t there and didn’t react to texts either so we thought maybe you’d know or something had happened to you, too. We were worried- still are.”

“Rightfully so,” Emma murmurs. “Selena, please, what’s-”

Alex interrupts her. “Leave her alone!” he says in a dangerously calm manner.

Emma looks at him like she sees him for the first time.

“But why?”

He doesn’t react. “Who is Claire to you?” he asks instead, crossing his arms. He looks like he’s interrogating them, which, granted, he is in a way.

“A friend?” Mika says but it sounds more like a question. “We’ve known her since we were in kindergarten, she’s-”

“And who is Selena to you?” Alex interrupts her, face hard.

“A friend, too, of course!” Emma replies heatedly. “We don’t know her as long but what the hell would even make you think that-”

“She tried to kill me.” I meant to say it loud enough that she’d understand me even through the sound of her own words but it comes out barely a whisper.

Emma stops. “What?”

“Claire tried to kill me,” I repeat, louder this time, defiantly meeting their disbelieving gazes. I lift my T-shirt, just far enough for them to see the ugly bruise Claire’s shoe left on my belly and Mika’s breath catches.

“But why?” Emma asks after a moment.

“Doesn’t matter,” Alex says matter-of-factly. “What matters is whether you knew! Because I swear to God if you did, I’ll-”

“We didn’t!” Mika says, finally having gotten a hold of herself again. “I swear! She got a little strange recently, but she never said anything about-” She breaks off, her gaze on Alex. “She was a little like she was after the two of you broke up,” she says then and her hand wanders up to anxiously cover her mouth.

At the same time, it seems to dawn on Emma, too, and her mouth clenches, and her fingers tense around the edge of the table.

“How-” Mika breaks off again, takes her hand down with what looks like considerable effort, then turns back to me. “I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry and I know this does nothing to make up for anything Claire did to you, but I want you to know that I’m sorry.”

“I am, too,” Emma whispers, not meeting my eyes. “Fuck, this is messed up.” She pauses, then briefly shuts her eyes, face screwed up with frustration. “We don’t even have a way of proving our innocence,” she says when she opens her eyes again.

Mika opens her mouth but halts and then closes it again.

“There’s literally nothing I-” Emma stops and considers me for a second. Then she asks, “Do you have any ideas? Or… do you even care?”

What a good question that is.

Uncertainly, I look at Alex but then realise I’m being stupid because how would he know?

When I don’t say anything for half a minute, Mika says, “I suppose we’d better go now,” and Emma nods and they get up and Alex lets them.

“If there’s ever anything we can do…” Emma begins but then her gaze loses focus and trails along the floor before she turns and walks away to put on her shoes.

Mika doesn’t immediately follow her.

“For what it’s worth,” she says, eyes glittering a little as she meets my gaze, “I think you’re an amazing person. Whoever’s trying to hurt you like that deserves space in neither your life nor mine.” She gives a little nod. “I hope you get better. If that’s possible.” And she turns and walks away after Emma and not much later, the front door clicks shut behind them.