Modern Family: New Life

On the afternoon of January 1st, 2009, Andrew was lying on his bed, lazily reading a comic book, while Howard was furiously mashing the buttons on his Xbox controller, completely immersed in his game. Leonard gazed out the window with a thoughtful look. The atmosphere in the room was relaxed, until suddenly…

"Hey, how do you get a girlfriend?" Leonard asked out of nowhere, still looking out the window. Then he turned to face his two friends.

"Huh?" Andrew and Howard asked in unison.

Andrew stopped looking at his comic and sat up on his bed. Howard paused his game, more interested in his friend's question. Besides, it was Andrew's account, so he didn't mind going AFK.

"Where did that come from all of a sudden?" Andrew asked, closing his comic book.

Shrugging, Leonard answered a little awkwardly, "Well... since it's a new year, I set a goal to get a girlfriend."

Andrew nodded slowly, as if evaluating the situation with utmost seriousness.

"Alright then… to start, let's say that after class, you see a girl organizing flyers alone in the classroom… just like that one over there," Andrew said, pointing with his finger.

Leonard followed the direction of his gesture and saw Howard, who was already standing in the middle of the room, arms crossed with a serious expression.

"We're doing a simulation now?!" Leonard exclaimed, surprised by how quickly his two friends had set up a scenario.

"Exactly. Now tell me, Leonard, what should you do?" Andrew asked.

Leonard took a deep breath, accepting the simulation. He looked at Howard, who was supposed to be the "girl," and approached with some nervousness.

"Hey, I'm about to lock up the classroom…" he said, scratching his head.

"R-really? I-I'm sorry…" Howard responded, his voice shaky and slightly high-pitched.

"Do you really need to finish this today?" Leonard asked, hesitating for a moment but continuing with the simulation.

Howard averted his gaze, holding the invisible flyers as if they were the most important thing in the world.

"Y-yes… the teacher entrusted me with this task," he answered shyly.

"Give me that," Leonard said with a sigh, extending his hand while avoiding eye contact.

"What?" Howard asked, confused.

"I'm going to help you, so give me half of those flyers," Leonard replied, still not making eye contact.

"T-thank you," Howard nodded timidly as he handed over a handful of invisible flyers.

But just as the simulation seemed to be going smoothly, the door to the room suddenly swung open. Andrew entered with firm steps.

"How much longer are you going to stay in this classroom? Hurry up and go home already!" Andrew exclaimed, trying to make his voice higher.

"Who the hell are you?!" Leonard asked, baffled by the sudden appearance of another character.

But Andrew ignored the question and continued his improvised performance.

"Or could it be… you were waiting for me to give you a special lesson, Leonard Hofstadter?" he said, lowering his voice to a sensual tone while hugging himself with a mischievous smile.

"Why the hell did a pedophile teacher suddenly appear?!" Leonard shouted, stepping back with wide eyes.

"Our forbidden love must no longer be hidden!" Andrew declared as he grabbed Leonard by the shoulders.

"Let me go, you crazy woman!" Leonard shouted, but it was impossible for him to break free from Andrew's grip.

Howard, still in his role as the "shy girl," turned around and softly said, "I-I'll go home now… goodbye."

"Just wait a second!" Leonard yelled, struggling uselessly against Andrew's hold as Howard opened the door and pretended to exit the scene.

Eventually, Leonard ended up on the floor, gasping for breath.

"That was a game over," Howard said, looking down at him with his arms crossed.

Leonard, still lying on the floor, lifted his head in frustration.

"Wait, wait, wait! This makes no sense!" he exclaimed, waving his hands.

"There's no way a shy girl would just leave so calmly after a crazy teacher appears and screams something about forbidden love!" he added.

"Sometimes, in real life, things don't make sense. You have to learn to adapt, Leonard. Admit it, you lost," Andrew said with a shrug.

"Exactly. What if a typical dumb bully suddenly shows up and you have to deal with him? You have to be ready for anything, man," Howard nodded.

"Fine, fine. Let's do it again. But this time, no teachers appearing out of nowhere! I don't have a romantic relationship with any teacher, so that scenario was doomed from the start," Leonard said.

"Whatever you say, Mr. Realist. New scene: the library. You see a girl carrying a huge stack of books. Some fall to the floor. What do you do?" Andrew said, stepping back to give them space to act.

Howard got into character instantly, bending down as if picking up imaginary books and murmuring, "Oh no…"

Leonard stepped forward confidently. This scenario worked in his favor—he was a big reader.

"Let me help you with that," he said, crouching down toward Howard.

Howard looked up and smiled shyly. "Huh? T-thanks…"

"What are you studying?" Leonard asked.

"Defense Against the Dark Arts…" Howard responded naturally.

Leonard blinked.

'Wait… did we just switch universes!?' he thought, freezing up and unsure of what to say.

Before he could process it, the imaginary library door burst open, and Andrew entered with an intimidating aura, his eyes narrowed and a sinister smile on his face.

"I finally found you, Leonard Hofstadter…" he said in a deep voice. "The prophecy ends now."

"What?" Leonard asked, more confused than ever. Why did Andrew's characters always want to kill him?

"AVADA KEDAVRA!"

Leonard barely had time to react when, suddenly, Howard, still in character, completely changed his demeanor. He straightened up with determination, his shy personality vanishing instantly.

"SILIARIUS!" Howard exclaimed with an elegant flick of his hand.

Andrew's spell bounced off the silver shield Howard had summoned.

Andrew stepped back in surprise, narrowing his eyes and murmuring, "It can't be… Are you… Eleanora Graves?"

"I've been waiting for you, Mortem Blackthorn," Howard replied with a confident smile.

'What the hell is happening?' Leonard thought, looking from Howard to Andrew.

"What the hell is this cheap Harry Potter simulation?!" Leonard said.

But Andrew ignored him and continued his imaginary duel with Howard.

"TORSIO TESTICULORUM!" Andrew suddenly shouted, pointing his wand at Howard.

"That's…! The fourth Unforgivable Curse. The Testicular Torsion Curse!" Howard gasped, feigning horror while making a dramatic hand motion as if blocking the spell.

"That sounds worse than Crucio…" Leonard muttered, momentarily getting lost in his friends' simulation.

"I'm sorry, Hofstadter. Your sacrifice is necessary to fulfill the prophecy!" Andrew declared before casting the Killing Curse again.

"Again with this?!" Leonard raised his hands in protest, but Andrew was already mid-wand movement.

"Dodge it! Blocking the testicular torsion drained my magical reserves!" Howard exclaimed dramatically, but it was too late for Leonard.

Leonard felt the weight of the moment… His geek side betrayed him. His mind screamed that all of this was ridiculous, but his heart… his nerd heart knew what had to be done.

With a dramatic sigh, he clutched his chest and fell onto his back, eyes half-closed, pretending to meet his tragic end.

Silence.

"Game over," Howard said again.

"This is ridiculous! Completely absurd! When did I travel to another universe and become some kind of prophecy boy?" Leonard asked, standing up indignantly.

"Learn a few protective spells, and maybe you'll survive the next simulation," Howard replied.

"No, no, no!" Leonard waved his arms in frustration. "This has to be a serious and realistic simulation. I don't want to have an imaginary magical girlfriend."

"Alright, alright. You want it to be more realistic? Fine," Andrew agreed, and Howard nodded.

"Really?" Leonard asked suspiciously.

"Of course. No prophecies, no magic, no crazy professors. Just real-life scenarios," Andrew said with a slight smile.

"Perfect! I just want a fair chance!" Leonard said, confident that this time, he would win the simulation.

"Alright. After class, you forget something on your desk. You go back to the classroom, which is almost empty… except for a girl searching for something. What do you do?" Andrew prompted.

Just then, Howard changed his expression and posture. He crossed his legs elegantly, pretending to rummage through his backpack while glancing at Leonard with a mix of indifference and mild annoyance.

Leonard cleared his throat and took an imaginary step toward the "girl."

"Oh, uh… hi," he said, more nervous than in the previous rounds.

"What do you want?" Howard asked in a cold tone, barely looking up.

'This is the difficult one…? I preferred the shy one,' Leonard thought.

"Do you need help?" Leonard asked.

"Hmm, fine. Who are you? I think I saw you with Andrew," Howard said.

"You don't remember my name...? We share every class," Leonard said, trying to turn the scenario in his favor.

"Hmm, I don't remember. Are you Andrew's pet or something?" Howard asked indifferently.

"I'm his friend! His friend!" Leonard snapped, already starting to get annoyed by Howard's acting.

"Aha… if you say so," Howard said with a doubtful expression, as if he were seriously considering whether that was true.

"What are you looking for?" Leonard asked, trying to change the subject.

"My bracelet. I dropped it somewhere," Howard replied.

Both of them started searching the "classroom" floor, moving imaginary backpacks and books. Leonard struggled not to complain about the dismissive way Howard was treating him.

At one point, their hands brushed against each other as they both reached for the same invisible object.

For Leonard, it was a big step forward.

For Howard, it was a completely different story.

"STALKER!" Howard suddenly screamed, eyes wide open.

"Why!?" Leonard asked, quickly stepping back.

"What the hell is going on here!?" Andrew exclaimed, dramatically opening an imaginary classroom door.

"This guy tried to touch me!" Howard shouted, clutching his chest dramatically as if he were on the verge of tears.

"What!?"

"It's not what it looks like!" Leonard raised his hands in surrender.

"You damn pervy nerd! I knew one day you'd show your true colors!" Andrew yelled, grabbing Leonard by the collar and proceeding to teach him a lesson in the form of imaginary punches.

"This was the worst outcome of all. You got beaten up, earned a girl's contempt, and, most likely, the rumor that you're a stalker will spread throughout the school—so your life is over. Your simulation self will never get a girlfriend. Game Over," Howard declared.

"I just accidentally touched her hand!" Leonard protested.

"Tell it to the judge," Andrew replied.

The simulations continued, but Leonard couldn't win a single one. He collapsed onto the bed with a look of total defeat.

"I'm going to die alone…" Leonard muttered.

"Probably," Howard said, patting his shoulder.

"You won't…" Andrew said, dropping the simulation jokes as he sat down in his chair.

"What do you mean?" Leonard asked, lifting his head with a bit of hope.

"You're forgetting about Lauren. You already know her, and you're even friends. You don't have to meet a girl from scratch like in these simulations," Andrew replied.

"Lauren? I don't think she even notices me…" Leonard said.

"She's interested in you. Pippa told me, and she's her best friend," Andrew interrupted, making both Leonard and Howard freeze in shock.

"Seriously!?" they both exclaimed at the same time—Leonard more excited than anything, while Howard was more skeptical, unwilling to believe that Leonard might get a girlfriend before he did.

"Yeah… Pippa doesn't lie about these things. So tomorrow, when we meet at her place, you can try something with Lauren. We'll set up the opportunity for you," Andrew said, giving him a thumbs-up.

"Tomorrow? That's too soon…" Leonard muttered nervously. The simulation was way easier than facing real life—and a girl who didn't have a Ringo Starr haircut.

"Are you going to be a coward, or do you want to get a girlfriend and complete your New Year's resolution super fast?" Andrew challenged.

Leonard fell silent, thinking for a moment, before finally responding with enthusiasm, "I'll do it!"

He had information that Lauren was interested in him—that alone was enough to raise his chances. It was time to act.

"Hey, did Cara say anything to Pippa about me?" Howard asked hopefully.

"Mm, no, sorry," Andrew replied, and Howard cursed under his breath.

"Alright, let's stop wasting time and focus on playing competitive COD," Andrew said in a serious tone. They needed to rank up.

Howard and Leonard also became serious, stopped talking about girls and getting girlfriends, and focused on the important matter.

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