Merchant Crab

“What the hell?!”

The words barely had time to leave Balthazar’s mouth before his legs buckled and collapsed under the weight of the surprise diver landing on his shell.

“Argh! There’s a human on me, Rye!” shouted the crab. “Get it off! Get it off!”

“Oh, my lords!” exclaimed the stranger as the archer pulled him off the crab’s carapace and onto the cobblestones of the street. “I can’t believe it!”

Balthazar stumbled for a moment, trying to regain his footing, a slightly more complex task when one has eight legs to organize. As he composed himself and untangled his eyestalks after the unexpected assault, the crab eyed his uninvited piggyback rider.

Still sitting on the ground was a young boy, barely a man, with commoner clothing and a scrawny figure. His expression was one of disconcerting excitement as he stared at Balthazar, a toothy smile plastered all over his freckled face, which was topped by a full head of curly carrot-colored hair.

“Are you alright?” asked Rye.

“I’m fine!” Balthazar quickly said with a frown.

“I was actually asking the guy that just fell from a third floor.”

“He won’t be if he doesn’t start talking!” said the miffed crab. “What the hell is wrong with you, kid?!”

The boy slowly stood up, eyes still fixed on the merchant, his mouth open in an overjoyed amazement. “It really is you… I can’t believe this is really happening!”

Balthazar cocked an eyestalk at the oddball, intrigued. “Do I know you?”

“Oh goodness! No, not yet, I need to introduce myself!” exclaimed the boy with several cracks in his voice. “The name’s Taffy!”

The young redheaded boy stood up straight and extended a hand to Balthazar. Why so many humans seemed so keen on offering their hands to be crushed by the crab’s pincers, he would never know.

“I think you already did enough introducing when you landed on me there,” said the still annoyed crustacean. “What was that about? It doesn’t seem like it was just an accident.”

“Well, no, but partly, yes,” said Taffy, speaking in a frantic and excited manner. “I was up there on the balcony, you know, eating an apple, watching the streets and pondering life, as you do. You do that, too, right? What am I saying, of course you do! Anyway, as I looked down, I saw you! Shiny and magnificent, just like I imagined you! I never actually saw you, but I heard all the descriptions of you! I just couldn’t believe my eyes! I knew I had to quickly get myself down here to meet you, before the opportunity passed! The stairs would have taken too long, I couldn’t risk losing sight of you! So I figured the fastest way down would be to climb down from the balcony! But oh, my stars, I was so excited that I slipped! Thank goodness you have such sharp and quick senses and managed to safely catch me with your shell! Ah! So amazing!”

Balthazar stared at the boy, mouth slightly ajar, and then glanced at Rye, who seemed just as baffled as him.

“What?!”

“That was a pretty nasty fall,” Rye said, still looking concerned for the strange kid. “How are you not hurt at all?”

Taffy shrugged, dumb smile still plastered across his face. “Momma always said I had strong bones.”

“Never mind that!” exclaimed the crab. “What the hell is this all about? What do you want with me?”

The boy turned to Balthazar, eyes wide as he squeezed his closed fists against his chest. “I needed to come and meet you! I’m your biggest fan, Mr. Balthazar!”

Once again, the bewildered crustacean looked at the young Ardvillian with his mouth half open and a full loss for words.

As much as Balthazar tended to find most humans easily forgettable and have a hard time telling them apart, this one in particular he was sure he had never met before. There was just not a chance he would have forgotten such a peculiar character.

“I don’t even know who you are!”

“Oh, right, right! I never actually met you,” said Taffy, nodding his head way more than Balthazar found to be necessary. “I really wanted to have gone down to your pond before, but my mother would never let me out of the gates. She says it’s too dangerous out there for her boy. Oh, poor momma, she worries so much about me! But no more! I have finally turned eighteen today and can go wherever I want! Isn’t this so exciting?! And right on my birthday I see you visiting town! It’s perfect! It’s more than perfect, it’s a sign!”

Feeling dazed and confused by the barrage of blabbering, Balthazar shook his shell in disbelief.

“So, you never even met me and you’re my… fan? What?! How does that even make sense?”

Much to the crab’s regret, his confusion and questions only led to another verbal barrage.

“Ooh, that’s a funny story! See, I used to be obsessed with Gretha, the famous singing goat from that one farm outside town. Super fan of hers! But then one day I heard the story of a talking crab from an adventurer at the inn, and I knew it, right there and then, that I had found something much better! A singing goat can’t compare to a talking crab who is also a merchant! You’re way cooler! So anyway, I started asking for more details about you from every adventurer I could find in town. Soon after, your reputation was growing and everyone knew about you! But I was the first! The original crabber! I was your fan long before everybody else thought you were great! Before people cheered for your defeat of the dragon, I was already telling them the amazing tale of how you valiantly saved a pair of adventurers from a swarm of giant spiders with nothing but one claw!”

Rye was scratching the back of his head with an expression that was halfway between a smile and a frown.

“So let me get this straight,” said the archer, “you’re claiming to be Balthazar’s biggest fan, despite having never even seen him before, only heard stories about him from others?”

“Yes, but not just claiming, I am Mr. Balthazar’s number one fan, no question about it!”

“I’m not even sure there are other fans to compete with for the title, but alright…”

“I’m sure there must be lots of them! And if there aren’t, I should change that by starting a fan club!”

Balthazar frowned and shook his shell. “Kid, you’re crazy. Go back to listening to goats sing, or whatever. Rye, let’s get out of here, I still wanna see a few more places before lunch.”

As the crab turned to leave, Taffy threw himself down to his knees.

“No, no, no, please!” he cried out in a loud plea. “Mr. Balthazar, don’t leave yet! I’ve been waiting for this moment all my life!”

“I think you mean more like six months,” said Rye.

“This was clearly meant to happen!” continued the persistent boy. “The very first time you visit our town happens to be my eighteenth birthday! Fate is clearly telling me something!”

Balthazar rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, and I’m telling you to get lost. Go eat some birthday cake or something and leave me alone, kid.”

“Please!” begged the annoying fan, scooting forward on his knees. “Take me with you! I will be your companion, your squire, whatever you need me to be!”

“What?! No! I don’t want you anywhere near me.”

“I can be very useful! I know many skills! I can rub your shoulders… Well, not shoulders, but your… your… I can polish your shoes!”

“I don’t wear shoes! Get lost!”

“Your shell! I could polish your shell if you need!”

“Stay away from my shell!”

“I could run you a hot bath whenever you need? Stay next to you in battle and catch any stray arrows coming your way with my chest!”

“No! Shoo!”

“Please take me with you, merchant crab!” shouted Taffy in a hysterical manner. “I’m your biggest fan!”

As the crab tried to walk away, the kid grabbed one of his legs, pleading in such an embarrassing way that it was making Balthazar embarrassed by association.

The crab looked around, the scene causing the passing townsfolk to turn their heads to see what was happening. Some were slowing down or even stopping to observe, and more than embarrassed, Balthazar began feeling something else. As if something he could not see was floating through the air, passing straight through him, and spreading all around.

“Oi, did that kid just say merchant crab?” a commoner’s voice said from somewhere nearby.

“Aye, I think he did,” said another one from somewhere else. “Isn’t that the hero that beat back the dragon?”

“Balthazar? In town?! No way!” said yet another voice from the crowd.

“Is it really him? Let me see! Let me see!” a woman’s voice shouted.

Before long, the crab found himself getting surrounded not only by the crowd of onlookers, but also a small mob of much more enthusiastic townsfolk, that, unlike the general populace simply looking in with curiosity, was staring at him with hysterical eyes and smiles.

“It’s really him!”

“Mister crab! Let me touch your shiny shell!”

“Wait your turn, I got here first!”

Balthazar backed away slowly.

What the hell is happening here?!

The crab jumped in place as a hand landed on the side of his shell, but as he looked, he saw that it was just Rye.

“I don’t know what’s gotten into these people, but I think we should get out of here.”

“You don’t need to say that twice!”

The crab and the adventurer took off into a side street, sprinting away from the mob that was still pushing and shoving at each other.

“Mr. Balthazar! No, wait, please come back! Take me with you! We love you!” yelled Taffy from the middle of the mad crowd.

Following Rye through an alley and wrapping around a corner, the crab skittered as fast as his round figure and stomach full of bread allowed, claws holding on to the straps of the backpack bouncing up and down on his shell. Thankfully for him, the adventurer paused for a moment with his back against a wall, allowing him to catch his breath.

“Are… are the…” said Balthazar between labored breaths. “Are the people in this town always this crazy?”

“No,” said Rye, still peeking around the corner for any signs of the mob. “That was really weird. Did you feel some kind of energy passing through you right before it happened too?”

“I did! What was that about?!”

“There he is!” a voice shouted from an alley. “I see his beautiful carapace shining under the sunlight!”

“Oh crap! We gotta run again,” said the panting crab.

“This way!”

Once again, the archer took off into a nimble sprint that the crustacean could hardly keep up with.

As they swerved towards another street, a woman appeared in front of them, cheeks red and eyes fixed on the crab.

“Mister merchant crab! I’m getting married next month. Will you please let me rub your shell for good luck?”

“What?! No! Stay away from me!” Balthazar exclaimed as he skidded to a stop and changed direction, trying to follow Rye, who had already corrected course to another alley.

In through an archway, out through a back alley, left and right turns, twists and turns, all leaving the crab’s head spinning as they tried to lose the crowd of maniacs chasing them.

“I don’t think I like Ardville anymore!” said Balthazar to Rye as they ducked under a small walkway bridge.

“Mr. Balthazar!” Taffy’s voice called from nearby. “Please, come out! We just want to get to know our idol a little better!”

“And I don’t want to know any of you lunatics,” the crab muttered.

“I think we need to just slip out of town, Balthazar,” said Rye. “They’re going to keep looking for us no matter where we go, and a giant crab walking around town isn’t exactly easy to conceal.”

“But I haven’t even visited the local library!”

“Mr. Balthazaaaar!” the freckled fanatic kept calling from the street above.

“Never mind, get us out of here!” Balthazar quickly said before following the ranger into another alley.

“Through here,” the human said. “Rob showed me a secret way out of town without passing through the gates a while back.”

“Rye, what have you been doing hanging out with thieves?”

“I met him through you!”

As they were about to exit the alley, a large bearded man wearing a red flannel shirt and carrying a wood axe appeared in front of them.

“It is you!” the lumberjack exclaimed in a deep, rough voice.

He threw his axe to the side, and to the other two’s absolute shock, proceeded to rip his flannel shirt open with both hands, exposing his uncomfortably hairy chest as the flying buttons hit the ground, along with Rye’s and Balthazar’s mortified jaws.

“Please! Sign your name on my chest, o brave crab!”

The archer grabbed the merchant by the claw and pulled him into another alley, both of them still screaming in horrified discomfort.

“I wanna go back to my pond and never leave again!” Balthazar exclaimed as the human dragged him behind a building.

“Through here,” Rye said, moving a round sewer grate on the ground. “This will lead us outside the walls.”

The crab looked down at the narrow passage the human had just jumped through.

“Are you crazy? That’s way too small for me to fit through!”

“Do you have a better exit?!”

Taffy’s voice could be heard from outside the alley once again, still calling out for his adored crab.

“Oh, crabapples!” Balthazar exclaimed, before hopping into the manhole.

And becoming immediately stuck.

“Rye! I told you! Now I can’t move!”

“Hold on, let me try to pull you down,” the human’s muffled and echoing voice said from the sewer below.

“Ow! Ow, ow, ow!” the crab cried out. “You’re making it worse! I can’t fit, just push me back up!”

“I see him!” the now shirtless lumberjack yelled with his gruff voice from the other end of the alley, and a bright orange head of hair popped around the corner.

“Mr. Balthazar! Wait for me!” shouted Taffy.

Balthazar started kicking his legs and slapping the ground with his claws.

“Never mind, Rye! Pull me!” he quickly said. “Puuull meee!”