Marvel: NIHILITY

After dealing with the abomination, and encountering both a super heroine and a super villainess, David thought about flying back home and catching up on his sleep again. Emma went on a business trip to Washington, so David wanted to enjoy the privelege of a billionaire adult, unlimited naps, but that was interrupted. As he flew closer to home, he sensed a disturbance near the Sanctum and decided that he might as well give the old baldy some payback for the prank she pulled last time.

David landed with a soft thud in front of the New York Sanctum, banana pajama pants flapping in the breeze. He cracked his knuckles, a devilish grin spreading across his face.

"Time to give that bald troublemaker a taste of her own medicine," he muttered, pulling a giant rubber chicken out of thin air. He opened the Sanctum's grand doors with a flourish.

"Hellooooo, Ancient One!" David called out, voice echoing through the Sanctum. "Remember that time you pranked me with a yandere lover, because I 'needed perspective'? Guess who's got a surprise for—"

He stopped mid-sentence.

Inside, Doctor Strange and Mordo were in an all-out magic brawl with Kaecilius, who was throwing eldritch energy around like an unhinged DJ at a rave.

Strange's Cloak of Levitation was furiously swatting Kaecilius like a particularly aggressive towel, while Mordo shouted, "You're not worthy of the mystic arts!"

Kaecilius sneered. "Oh, please, Mordo! You sound like my high school principal!"

David froze in the doorway, clutching his rubber chicken. Slowly, he raised his free hand and shut the door with an audible click.

Inside, the chaos came to an awkward halt.

Kaecilius, Strange, and Mordo all exchanged looks.

"Who was that guy?" Kaecilius asked, genuinely puzzled.

"No idea," Strange said, his Cloak shrugging as if it also had no clue.

David, meanwhile, turned to leave, muttering, "Nope, not my circus, not my flaming, sparkly clowns."

Before he could take another step, reality itself seemed to hiccup. The sky darkened, the air grew heavy, and a swirling dark vortex opened beneath him.

"Oh, come on," David groaned as he was yanked through the portal, still holding the rubber chicken.

David landed in the Dark Dimension, the oppressive atmosphere radiating menace and despair. Or, at least, it was supposed to.

Dormammu, massive and glowing with malevolent energy, loomed before him. "David Faust! The next sorcerer supreme candidate," he thundered. "I have summoned you to face your doom!"

David blinked. " Say what now? I didn't even take an admission to the school, and you're saying I graduated as valedictorian?"

Dormanmu didn't answer and just blasted him with a dark tendril of energy, which didn't do any damage. David stood up, dusting himself off. "Great. Another wannabe villain migraine."

Dormammu roared. "You dare mock me, the ruler of the dark dimension?"

David smirked, tossing the rubber chicken from hand to hand. "Oh, I dare, buddy. You're basically a neon screensaver with delusions of grandeur. Kinda like a teenage goth kid going through a chuuni phase."

Dormammu roared, the entire dimension shaking. "Silence! You are nothing compared to my infinite—"

WHAP!

David smacked Dormammu across the face with the rubber chicken.

The Dark Lord blinked, stunned. "What... was that?"

David twirled the chicken like a baton. "That, my glowing black friend, was round one."

Dormammu growled and lunged, massive tendrils of energy shooting toward David. With a yawning, David sidestepped them and slapped Dormammu again, this time with both hands.

Slap! Slap! Slap! Slap! The rubber chicken let out a beautiful symphony of chaos.

"Stop that!" Dormammu bellowed, recoiling.

"Or what?" David asked, pulling out a spray bottle labeled 'Cosmic Discipline.' He spritzed Dormammu in the face.

"AH! IT BURNS!" Dormammu wailed, retreating like a cat that got sprayed with cold water.

David sighed, shaking his head. "You dimensional lord types are all the same. Big talk, no backbone." He snapped his finger, and the nearby planets in the dark dimension got erased with a golden burst of energy.

Dormammu, visibly shaken, tried to recompose himself. "You… You can't do this to me! I am eternal! I am—"

David slapped him so hard that the Dark Dimension flickered like a glitchy video game. "You were saying something?"

Dormamu tried one last ditch attack , but David just encased him within a golden energy ball. The energy ball was shrinking every second, making the trapped Dormamu panic.

"I'll leave Earth," Dormammu squeaked, voice an octave higher. "Just... just go back! Please!"

David smacked him again with the chicken and said, " You forgot to add that you will never ever return to attack Earth. Even if you do, don't fuckin bother me or destroy my stuff, got it?"

Dormamu pitifully replied, "Yes, my Lord, I will never attack Earth again. If they bother me, I will ask for your permission before responding."

David leaned in, grinning. "Good talk. Let me know if you want more therapy sessions." He snapped his fingers, opening a portal back to Earth.

As he stepped through, Dormammu curled into a glowing ball of shame, muttering, "Mom, it was so scary…"

Back at the Sanctum, the fight between Strange, Mordo, and Kaecilius had resumed. The trio barely noticed as David reappeared, his banana pajamas slightly singed.

"Carry on, sparkly clowns," he said, giving a two-finger salute and strolling out.

Doctor Strange paused mid-spell. "Who is that guy, seriously?"

Mordo replied from the side, " He is the guy master Anccient One told us to help with anything necessary and never trigger him. He's kind of our boss too, in a sense, Strange."

As Kaecilius summoned yet another wave of sparkly doom energy, David casually strolled back into the Sanctum, munching on a half-eaten churro he'd picked up somewhere.

"Alright, that's enough of this," David said, waving dismissively. "I'm trying to get some quality trolling done here, and you're all in the way."

Kaecilius turned, sneering. "And who are you supposed to—"

Before he could finish, David grabbed Kaecilius by the back of his fancy cloak and yeeted him through a hastily conjured portal to the Dark Dimension. Kaecilius flailed helplessly as he disappeared with a whoosh.

"Wait, no! Not agai—!"

David didn't stop there. With zero ceremony, he plucked each of Kaecilius's minions like they were unruly toddlers, tossing them into the portal one by one. The last one even got a gentle pat on the head.

"Safe travels! Say hi to Dormammu for me!" David called cheerily, slamming the portal shut with a flourish.

The room fell silent. Strange, Mordo, and Wong exchanged wide-eyed glances, unsure whether to applaud or call the Avengers.

At that exact moment, the Ancient One materialized in a swirl of golden energy, looking every bit the composed, all-knowing sorcerer—except for the faint twitch in her left eye.

"David," she said, voice laced with exasperation. "What did you just do?"

David took a leisurely bite of his churro. "Oh, hey, Baldilocks. Fancy seeing you here. Just a little housekeeping. You're welcome."

The Ancient One sighed, rubbing her temples. "You just threw Kaecilius and his followers into the Dark Dimension."

David grinned, leaning against the nearest mystical artifact (which started sparking ominously). "Yup. Consider it a group vacation. Dormammu loves visitors. Keeps him social. And what's with the sorcerer supreme candidate stuff he was spouting? I didn't sign up for that shit."

She casually replied, " I guess he thought that because of the mental defense shield you possess. I gave you the same spell every sorcerer supreme gets to protect their mind. I possess the same defense." 

David whistled, " That's neat I guess. "

The Ancient One's calm demeanor cracked. "That aside, do you have any idea how much you've disrupted the timeline? The universal balance? The natural order?"

David smirked, crossing his arms. "Oh, I do. And you know what else I know? Payback's sweet."

Her eyes darted to the corner. "Payback? For what?"

David wiggled his fingers dramatically. "For that time you set me up with a semi-yandere as her shining knight, because I 'needed to embrace love or some shit.' I still haven't forgiven you for letting me get chased by the New York mob."

"That was a valuable lesson in adaptability and self-control!" She shot back, hands on her hips.

David shrugged. "And this is a valuable lesson in minding your own business. See? Everyone's learning."

The Ancient One huffed. "Do you have any respect for the rules of the universe?"

"Sure," David said with a serious nod. "Right after brunch. Priorities, y'know?"

"This event was supposed to be a guiding lesson for the future sorcerer supreme!"

" Go and teach him yourself, rather than faking death and escaping work!"

"The proper flow of time—"

"Overrated. Ever tried skipping ahead to dessert? It's life-changing."

"The necessity of universal order—"

"Like ordering pizza? Because I'm totally down for that."

"The delicate equilibrium—"

"Equilibrium, schmibrium. Sounds like a fancy way to say boring."

By now, Strange, Mordo, and Wong were standing off to the side, trying to process the bizarre spectacle before them.

"Is... is she losing this argument?" Mordo whispered, genuinely concerned.

Strange nodded slowly. "I think so. He's derailing her with nonsense."

Wong crossed his arms, smirking. "I kinda want popcorn for this."

The Ancient One threw her hands up in frustration. "You cannot simply change the timeline for petty revenge!"

David raised a finger. "Correction: I can. I just did. And let's be real, it's not even in the top ten weirdest things that have happened this week."

The Ancient One groaned, visibly struggling to maintain her legendary composure. "You are impossible."

"Why, thank you!" David said with a mock bow.

Wong finally broke the silence with a cough. "So... should we do something? Or just let him keep driving her insane?"

Strange adjusted his cloak, trying to appear thoughtful. "I'm leaning toward the latter. She's always telling us to practice patience."

The Ancient One shot them all a withering glare, but David clapped her on the shoulder with an infuriatingly cheerful grin.

"Relax, Baldilocks. I fixed your little cult problem, gave Dormammu some playmates, and brought balance to the comedy force. You're welcome. You can continue working overtime for a few more years." To which she just gave up arguing and slumped.

As he strolled out, whistling a jaunty tune, not forgetting to rub the shiny head for good luck before leaving. The Ancient One stared after him, muttering, "I need a drink. Or some drugs. Maybe both."