MADMAN APOCALYPSE

My fist struck the upturned Unicorn in the belly with such force that it simply exploded in a shower of silver blood and pale-grey flesh. The sheer power of the strike generated a cushion of wind that sent the dagger-wielding Player skipping away along the ground and also pushed Bee higher into the air, while cancelling out my fall momentum and flinging me into an uncontrollable backflip, which terminated with me landing on one of the trucks that’d become a pufferfish.

My collision was with something solid rather than the squishy body of a giant balloon animal and I looked down to see that the illusion had been dispelled, as I was in the back of the truck’s pick-up bed.

The dagger guy came to a halt and slowly got to his feet, inspecting his own body for any remnants of the purple flames that’d covered him, but he was completely unscathed.

“Illusions are scary,” I muttered, as I crawled out of the back of the truck.

When I walked back to where the Unicorn had perished, Bee alighted next to me, a gleeful smile on her face. The force of my strike had formed a crater in the ground that had, moments prior, been beach sand, but was once again asphalt.

“Look how much meat it had!” she said excitedly, hopping around and scooping up the pale-grey flesh, which then disappeared into her inventory.

I blinked. “What?”

“Horsemeat is delicious, don’t you know??”

“You wanted to eat it?” Panda deadpanned.

“Oh thank God, I thought you were a horse girl!”

“What? No. Eww!”

As the dagger-wielder saw us standing around the exploded remains of the Unicorn in the crater, he slowed down cautiously, looking ready to bolt at the first sign of hostility from us.

“You’re Gambit, right?” he asked. He looked to be in his early twenties perhaps, with dirty-blonde hair, green-blue eyes, pudgy cheeks, and wearing a non-descript black hoodie and cargo pants.

“Depends on who’s asking.”

BAD CATCHPHRASE!

You have taken 1 point of damage.

“Ow. That’s not a catchphrase!”

“What?” he asked, confused.

Bee shared his appraisal with me from her Nerdy Spectacles:

Level 7

‘Chris’

Player x

“Life goes on.”

Class: Backstabber

Main Attribute(s): Dexterity & Strength

His name basically says it all. Chris is a background character in any setting he finds himself in. Being unseen has helped him with the Class he was awarded, as it is all about hitting things without them noticing until your blade has drawn their blood.

He has somehow managed to survive being in four different groups that met an untimely end against an overwhelming challenge. The conclusions you draw from this will vary based on your personality, but, I mean, look at his Class...

He knows about you, but wants to stay out of trouble and survive.

“Ominous name for a Class,” Panda commented.

“Why do you want to know?” I asked him, suspiciously.

“Listen, I don’t want any trouble with you. I’m not with Twine and those other guys, okay?”

“What other guys?” Bee asked.

“The ones who want revenge for Ophelia and Logan. I’m not with those guys. I just want whatever my friends dropped when they died. Okay?”

Next to the white glowing wisp of the Unicorn were two blue wisps belonging to the Archer and Shield-Door guy. Their bodies had been destroyed along with the World Boss though.

I narrowed my eyes, “That’s pretty callous ‘Chris’. If that’s even your real name.”

Panda sighed. “Not this again…”

I whipped out my Conspiracy Whistle and shared the tooltip with him:

‘Conspiracy Whistle’ x

Sometimes conspiracies are spot-on, and other times they only breed more insanity.

Blowing a note in this whistle reveals any shapeshifters within 10 yards, but inflicts +10% insanity to any Player within 100 yards.

Weight: 1.3 Pandas

“Give me one good reason not to use this on you!” I yelled. “And don’t move an inch closer!!”

“Fuck em up!!” Brock squealed.

“Meow..” Lordie said knowingly.

“What do you mean he doesn’t smell like a Skinstealer?” I asked the hand-spider, losing a bit of the wind in my sails.

Chris the Backstabber finally seemed to notice the hand stuck to the top of my head and his eyes widened in confusion and disgust. “Why is there a dead hand on your head??”

“It’s not dead,” Bee said.

He used his finger to click away the tooltip I’d shared and said, “Anyway, I’m not a Skinstealer—”

“That’s what a Skinstealer would say!”

“Gambit, let him finish,” Bee scolded me, taking pity on the guy for some reason.

“I just want the things my friends had on them when they died.”

“You don’t seem very sad about them dying.”

“Well, life goes on. If I was to get sad every time someone near me dies, I would be sad nonstop. You’ve also gotten numb to it, right? After some point, death just becomes a part of life. I’m going to keep surviving, even if it means looting the bodies of my friends.”

“Pretty sure Gambit never had the ability to feel remorse for his actions,” Panda commented.

I ignored him and told the Backstabber, “You can loot your friends once we’re done.”

“Got it,” he replied and sat down on the ground, putting his hands away from the two sheaths attached to his belt, which held his daggers.

I watched him for a moment, then put my Whistle away.

Bee went over to the white wisp of the World Boss and shared the Leftover items with me:

‘Unicorn Blood’ x

Did you know that Unicorns bleed silver? That alone makes this a valuable and sought-after commodity. But, with the right refinement technique, this ingredient can become a powerful Panacea, capable of curing any ailment!

You could also just sell it, I guess.

Weight: 1 Panda

‘Unicorn Horn’ x

The horn of a Unicorn, formed from its flexible and durable white-silver hair. There’s a bit of brain matter stuck to the part of it that grew backwards through the Unicorn’s skull…

While you could wield it as-is like a stabby-stabby lance, it can also be turned into a special weapon by the hands of a skilled Wandering Smith, who sometimes stops by Safe Zones.

Deals double damage to certain creatures, like Undead and Demons, due to its pure nature.

Weight: 3.2 Pandas

“Dibs on the horn!” she immediately said.

“That’s fine, I’ll take the blood.”

Congratulations! You have unlocked an achievement! x

‘Fairytale Hunter’

Hunted and murdered a fantastical creature.

All the little girls in the Children’s Zone aboard the Child Protective Services mothership are crying right now, after we showed them the video of you killing the Unicorn. They’re inconsolable, and it’s all thanks to you, you sick monster!

Anyway, here’s your reward. When you devour it, make sure to smile for the invisible camera that’s following you.

Reward: 40x ‘Game Coins’ & ‘Unicorn Liver’

A cold and slimy grey lump covered in dark veins landed in my hands.

“Oooh, horse liver!” Bee said excitedly and immediately began eating it raw.

I frowned and inspected it:

‘Unicorn Liver’ x

The liver of a Unicorn, fairytale creature beloved by children all over the world, that you slayed.

To unlock the power within, you’ve got to eat it while smiling at the camera.

Weight: 1 Panda

“Fuck whoever is making these pop-ups,” I said and bit into it. Then, while the cold and slimy meat filled my mouth with a bitter taste that not even the Pearnana effect could overshadow with its vanilla-banana flavor, I smiled for whatever ‘camera’ was observing me.

Choose your reward! x

Great, you made the children cry again, when we showed them the footage of you eating the liver.

Did you know that the Unicorn’s backstory was that it just wanted to escape the city and find a home in the forest? That’s right, we gave it a whole backstory! But then you murdered it in cold blood!

Pick one of the options:

‘.unicorn( )’ | ‘The Unicorn Effect’ | ‘Fart Magic’

‘.unicorn( )’ x

Ability

What’s this doing in the System’s code??

Causes a unicorn-themed ‘event’ to happen in your general vicinity.

That’s the best description we can come up with, since the Moths interpreting the System won’t tell us what it actually does…

Cooldown: 10 minutes

‘The Unicorn Effect’ x

Passive

People always say that you can’t trap lightning in a bottle. Well, they’re wrong! This Passive manages to capture an effect that is usually impossible to replicate!

You become popular without any effort and people just love everything you do, even when your heart clearly isn’t in it.

‘Fart Magic’ x

Passive

If you knew what the diet of a Unicorn consisted of, you wouldn’t be surprised by the fact that their farts are literally magic.

Also, say goodbye to ever being able to use a toilet again.

You gain uncontrollable flatulence, but all your farts turn into lilac-and-lavender-smelling rainbow clouds, which randomly transform your surroundings into illusions that are generally beneficial to you.

As I considered the options, I saw that even Chris was holding a Unicorn Liver in his hands where he sat.

“Is this really worth eating?” he asked us.

“I got a new Class ability,” Bee told him.

I picked ‘.unicorn( )’, mostly out of curiosity, and said, “Me too.”

The Backstabber sighed and bit into the slimy flesh, immediately gagging violently.

“Don’t forget to smile!” Bee told him.

“I hate this Game,” he mumbled, then faked a smile.

“.unicorn( ),” I said, activating my new ability.

The sound of a jet came from something that soared down the street, just above rooftop-level, and when it passed over us, it left behind a trail of rainbow smoke, almost like in an airshow. The ‘jet’ turned out to be a unicorn with a rainbow-colored mane and its legs splayed out to the sides like wings.

We all watched as it continued down the street, before angling ninety degrees into the air and disappearing up into a cloud that manifested right above it a few seconds later.

“What the fuck was that?” Chris asked, half a chunk of liver hanging out of his open mouth.

“Was that your new ability?” Bee added.

“I have no idea what that did,” I replied.

“This is where curiosity gets you…” Panda muttered disapprovingly. “You should’ve picked ‘The Unicorn Effect’.”

“I can’t wait to use it again,” I said, ignoring him.