LOVE:ZERO

Standing in front of the classic Colonial-style paneled doorway, Jiyu took a deep breath, puffingout her chest and inhaling deep into her lungs as if she were about to dive underwater.

Just when she thought she had finally broken the surface, she was sinking again.

This time, of my own volition, I relaxed my limbs and stopped flailing.

Hold on. Just think about surviving.

Jiyu repeated the tired words that had sustained her for the past two years. Her mouth was dry and she absentmindedly moistened her lips.

The cheap lip gloss had a faint strawberry scent. I’d been wearing this lip gloss the first time I kissed Hunter. Its innocent, sweet scent lingered in my throat, leaving a bitter aftertaste.

Something small and delicate in the back of my mind, something I’d guarded with all my might, burned black and white.

Growing up was cruel.

“Even shy kids like you get better as adults. Even introverts become more vocal and less shy as they get older.”

Those were my mom’s encouraging words.

Mom was wrong.

When push comes to shove, we bury our feelings of shame somewhere in order to survive, andwe put on a show of bravery on the outside while we shudder on the inside.

Hopefully, one day I’ll be numb to it and the self-hatred will be dulled. Unfortunately, I haven’t gotten to that point yet.

Jiyu slowly lifted her hand and knocked softly.

The door was made of solid wood with a hollow interior, so even the knock sounded graceful.

‘Did I knock too softly? It’s not time for bed yet.’

Glancing around nervously, just in case someone heard and woke up.

It was nearly twelve o’clock at night. With all the main lights off and the sconces on the walls dimmed as low as they could go, the end of the long hallway was as dark as a cave.

As I lifted my hand to knock once more, I heard familiar footsteps and the door opened softly.

Dark blue eyes scanned her without surprise.

He’d just gotten out of the shower. Dressed only in plaid lounge pants, the Hunter of Vara brushed a stray strand of damp hair off his forehead.

His brow furrowed slightly, he crossed his arms and leaned against the doorframe at an angle, the bright light spilling out from his back and casting dark shadows over his face.

“Mother?”

His voice was blunt, but Jiyu recognized a hint of concern in it.

Please don’t be sweet. I have to use you again.

“It’s okay now, I was discharged from the hospital this afternoon and went back to Brooklyn.”

He looked down at her hesitantly, then let out a short sigh and stepped aside.

“Come in.”

The living room and bedroom were separated by a curtain instead of a wall.

Hunter doesn’t like to be cramped, so the space was created by connecting three rooms at the end of a hallway.

The exposed pipe ceiling, original red brick, and rough-finished furniture give the space a trendy downtown loft feel.

He says goodbye, as if he’ll never see me again. His uncharacteristically blunt words cut through like a sharp arrowhead.

‘I told myself not to feel ashamed, but my face flushed.’

“What are you doing here? What else do you have to say?”

He grabbed a bottle of water from the refrigerator of the bar set up in one corner of the living room.

Twisting the lid open with a dull, almost cruel sound, he emptied the bottle in one swift gulp without taking his eyes off her.

Jiyu, who had been swallowing dry saliva because her mouth couldn’t move, squeezed her eyes shut and opened them.

“I… need money.”

Last summer, Hunter had been given some of the Hamiltons’ major assets through a trust fund as soon as he came of age.

To the average person, it was just a long, long number, a sum of money that was hard to fathom.

After what seemed like an eternity of silence, he asked.

“How much?”

“One hundred thousand dollars.”

Surprise, disbelief, and anger.

A mix of emotions flashed across Hunter’s face as he stared at Jiyu.

Everyone said he couldn’t read what he was thinking, but she could read the emotions in his eyes better than anyone.

It was an instinct she’d learned from watching him since childhood.

“To write something.”

“…I need to write something urgently.”

Jiyu’s hands trembled and clenched into fists.

There was nowhere to retreat.

“If you’re going to borrow money from me, tell me why.”

The low voice was stern and demanding.

“I’m not asking you to borrow it. Just, give it to me.”

“…What?”

Hunter was stunned. He stared at her for a moment in disbelief, then spoke.

“Tell me why I should, so I understand.”

“If you lend it to me, I can’t pay you back, and you know it.”

“So.”

She swallowed hard.

“I’m not saying I won’t pay you back, but instead of money, I’ll give you… what you want.”

“You know what I want. Without fear.”

“I know what you want. You want to sleep with me. You said kissing me isn’t enough to win anymore. I’ll jinx you for four years of college, whenever you want.”

For a long, long time, the winning jinx that Hunter had used on her every time she entered a tennis tournament was her kiss.

His eyes flashed like blue flames, and he stepped forward and looked down at her menacingly.

Jiyu barely held back the urge to back away.

Hunter’s jaw twitched as he gritted his teeth.

He glared at her with a murderous gaze, as if he wanted to strangle her.

“Do you have any idea what you’re talking about?”

She knew best. But she couldn’t look him in the eye, so she lowered her head.

Hunter grabbed her chin, lifted her up to meet his eyes, and confirmed it with brutally explicit language.

“Jiyu Parker, you just sold yourself to me for a hundred thousand dollars.”

Jiyu’s gaze slanted downward.

“Think what you will, but this is the only way I can repay you for that money right now. I told you to…”

She quickly clamped down on the tip of her tongue before the hidden truth came out.

She’d barely decided to leave for California and start a new life, only to have four years of her life mortgaged to Hunter again.

“A hundred thousand dollars was your price? If that’s what money can buy, you should’ve told me sooner, I didn’t have to wait until I was an adult for that.”

Jiyu raised her head and glared at Hunter.

But she couldn’t refute his words. In reality, she had sold herself to her old friend and employer’s son for a hundred thousand dollars.

She bit her lip in silence.

Hunter walked over to his desk and roughly yanked open a drawer.

From it, he pulled out a checkbook, scribbled numbers, signed his name, and tore it open with a snap.

Holding the check between his index and middle fingers, he walked over to Jiyu and smiled down at her, his cold blue eyes filled with contempt.

“If I’d known it was because you weren’t ready with the money, not your heart, I wouldn’t have been so stupid as to wait. Take it.”

Jiyu took the check from his fingers with trembling hands.

This is it.

Her ears burned and prickled with heat, and a cold sweat ran down her spine. She felt a mixture of misery and relief.

She was an adult now, old enough to know that she had to live with the decisions she made.

‘I’m so glad I didn’t fall in love with Hunter.’

Even now, in this moment of shame and anguish and heartache, she felt like if she had loved him, she would have wanted to open that window and jump out.

It wasn’t that I didn’t have the urge at this moment.

‘Wouldn’t it be better to just get it over with, rather than live like this…?’

As she stared at the window, sinking into the black abyss below,

Hunter’s voice grabbed her by the hair and pulled her out of the water.

Argh~

Jiyu looked at Hunter’s expression.

She couldn’t read any emotion on his impassive, bored face.

“Ji, now?”

She stammered, her voice sounding strangled.

His parents and sister were sleeping on the same floor.

Hunter pointed to her hand.

“The money’s already been paid. The terms are ‘whenever I want’ for four years. No?”

Jiyu suddenly realized what she had done.

With this money, she wouldn’t be able to say no to anything Hunter demanded from now on.

He yanked open the curtains with a loud bang.

A California king-size bed occupied the center of the bedroom area, one level above the living room.

He sat on the edge of the bed and shook his head.

‘What am I waiting for?’

I don’t know if Hunter has ever given me that look before.

The bridge of his nose twitched as if he was looking at something insignificant.

‘Shame is a luxury,’

Jiyu repeated to herself as she walked toward the bed.

‘Shame is a luxury.’