Lost

Choi Woohyuk raised his bloodied hand, but Hyung ignored him and continued speaking.“Do you know who Jung Woojin is? He’s a model, pretty famous. In the outside world and, well, in our world too.”What does he mean by “our world”? Famous among gay people? I stayed silent, and Hyung sighed.“The boss and Jung Woojin know each other.”Hearing that, I frowned and looked at the boss. Him? Knowing Jung Woojin? My eyes widened in disbelief, and the boss blew out a long puff of smoke before saying,“When you first got into my car, I saw that person who kept calling you was Jung Woojin.”Hyung and Choi Woohyuk, both wide-eyed like rabbits, stared at the boss in shock, but he just spoke calmly again.“When I saw you screaming like a madwoman into your phone, ‘I’m busy, stop calling me!’ I thought maybe this Jung Woojin wasn’t the same one I knew, just someone with the same name.”Choi Woohyuk was about to say something, but I interrupted him first.“So, what do you mean by Jung Woojin being famous ‘in our world’?”“Just what I said.”“I mean, how is he famous?”“Well, he’s good-looking, rich, well-known, from a good family…”The boss listed things off indifferently, while the quiet silence was interrupted by the buzzing of my phone. I reached into my pocket, pulled it out, and saw Jung Woojin’s name on the screen.“…and he’s good in bed too.”My grip tightened on the phone. I looked up at Choi Woohyuk and asked,“Then why is this guy so desperate to find Jung Woojin?”“Maybe he can’t forget how mind-blowing the sex was.”“Ah, fuck, Boss!”Choi Woohyuk shot up, visibly pissed. The phone stopped buzzing, and the call ended. It felt like everything in front of me was blinking white.“So why’d you mess up Choi Woohyuk’s face like that?”The boss sighed, clearly tired, as he asked.“Are you seriously asking that right now? Why do you think I did? It’s obvious why!”“Shut your mouth for a second.”“Fuck, seriously!”The boss made a hissing sound, and Choi Woohyuk, looking frustrated, shouted again. Hyung, with a serious face, asked me,“You’re not gay?”He’d been stuck on that question from the start. I couldn’t understand why this was so important. I stared at him and asked,“Why does that matter?”“It matters.”“Me being gay does?”I asked, completely dumbfounded, and Hyung opened his mouth.“You lied about being straight, didn’t you? Did you really get a job here pretending to be straight just to seduce Jung Woojin?”“Oh, fuck.”The boss ran a hand through his hair and cursed, then looked at me with near-contempt in his eyes.“I trusted you because Kyunghwan vouched for you… Why is my life so cursed?”“Ugh.”“Seriously, I never liked him from the start.”I couldn’t make sense of what was happening. I didn’t know what these idiots were saying, and I had no idea what Jung Woojin could have done to make them talk like this. Well-off, rich, from a good family, good in bed. Those words kept swirling in my mind. Jung Woojin, right. From the moment he kidnapped me to that island near Jeju… Yeah, he really took me for a ride back then. The drugs were part of it, but looking back objectively, there’s no way that could’ve been his first time.“Why is it that everyone I hire ends up being connected to Jung Woojin, huh?”“Probably because you’re the only gay bar owner who knows him.”“Fuck this.”The buzzing sound came again. It was Jung Woojin. I had no idea what to do. My mind was a mess, I didn’t know what I was feeling—angry, frustrated, maybe even a bit sad.“If you’re not going to answer, turn it off,” the boss said irritably. I glared at him, and he stared back with a scowl.“Why are you looking at me like that?”“…”“Huh? Who the hell do you think you are to be angry right now?”Suddenly, I didn’t care anymore. I hurled my phone with all my strength. It flew past the boss’s face, barely missing him, and shattered against the wall.“Did I beg you for a job? Who’s the one who dragged me in here, going on and on about wages and whatever, to rope me into this?”“What?”“I can’t believe this… And you! Who the hell are you to keep swearing at me? We’re the same age, aren’t we? Why do you keep pulling that ‘I started school a little earlier’ crap, acting all high and mighty, you prick?”The boss, Choi Woohyuk, and Hyung all stared at me, dumbfounded. I was so furious I could barely breathe. I kicked the table in front of me, flipping it over with a loud crash.“Has he lost his mind?” Choi Woohyuk snapped out of it first, pretending to lift a chair like he was going to throw it, but the boss held him back.“Are you some kind of thug?” the boss asked coldly. At this point, I didn’t care anymore.“What, I can’t get pissed and swear unless I’m a thug?”“Huh?”“Who started with all this gay and lackey bullshit? Who decided I pretended to be straight and got a job here just to get close to Jung Woojin? Listen carefully: I didn’t know you knew him. If I’d known, do you think I would’ve taken this job? Hell no. If you’d said you’d even brushed shoulders with him, I wouldn’t have come near this place or dealt with you at all. And you, you little bastard.”I pointed at Choi Woohyuk, and he flinched, though he quickly tried to act tough again, gritting his teeth and grabbing a knife to wave threateningly.“What the hell, you piece of shit!”“Did you sleep with Jung Woojin?”“What?”“I asked if you slept with him.”Choi Woohyuk was so stunned by my question that he couldn’t even respond. Grinding my teeth, I turned sharply toward the boss.“Did you sleep with him too?”“What?”“Fuck, Hyung, did you sleep with him too?”“…”Hyung rubbed his temples, looking like he had a headache.Even though I was angry, I thought I could control it, but once I said it out loud, I realized I couldn’t. Clenching my fists tightly, I asked again.“When? When did you sleep with him? Was it recent?”At this, Choi Woohyuk laughed with a ridiculous expression on his face.“And what if it was recent? What are you gonna do about it?”“…”I went silent, like my tongue was tied. Suddenly, all my energy drained away, and I slumped my shoulders, keeping my mouth shut. As soon as I did, Choi Woohyuk started firing off words like a machine gun, but I couldn’t hear a single thing he was saying. The boss, who had been watching us quietly, seemed to sense something was wrong and calmed Choi Woohyuk down before asking me.“You don’t mean…”“Phone…”“What?”“Give me your phone.”My hands were trembling. In a voice so small it felt like it might break, I spoke, and the boss, who had been staring at me with a puzzled look, reluctantly handed me his phone. As I was about to make a call—“Shit.”“…?”I turned my head to look at my broken phone. Hyung was trying to calm down Choi Woohyuk, and the noise beside me was getting louder. I frowned and asked,“Do you know Jung Woojin’s phone number?”“…”The boss just smirked at me with a look that said, “Of course.” I was so annoyed I felt like I might go insane.“Boss, just report him to the police already!”“Woohyuk, stop it!”“You saw what that asshole did to me! He beat the crap out of me, and now he’s breaking stuff—”“Ah, fuck. You want to get punched in the jaw again? Shut up, will you? Be quiet, damn it.”I gritted my teeth as I spoke, and Choi Woohyuk, his face turning red, raged like a mad monkey. Ignoring him, I tried to think of Jung Woojin’s phone number. Suddenly, the boss snatched his phone out of my hands and made a call to someone. After a few rings, the call went dead.“He’s not answering.”“Do you know Jung Woojin’s number?”“He’s not answering. And I’ve seen people like you try to weasel their way out of things at the police station.”His words didn’t make me angry at him but at Jung Woojin. What the hell had that bastard been doing outside? I couldn’t help but laugh in disbelief.“Give me the phone again.”I snatched the phone from the boss and sent a message to the number he had just called.[Jung Woojin]I sent only those three characters. The boss looked at me with an expression that said, “Go ahead, do whatever you want.” What should I send next? Pick up the phone? If you don’t, I’ll kill you, you bastard? As I was thinking of all the things I wanted to say—bastard, jerk, whatever—I saw the name “Jung Woojin” appear on the screen as a call came in. The calm sound of “Für Elise” filled the bar.I answered the call and pressed the phone to my ear, but there was only silence. I waited, saying nothing, for Jung Woojin to speak.— What?It was a cold voice I had never heard before. He sounded irritated, like he couldn’t be bothered. I took a deep breath, biting my lip and gritting my teeth.— I told you not to contact me. I’ll fucking kill you if—“Jung Woojin.”— …I heard a faint gasp on the other end of the line. I could hear it outside the phone too, but I didn’t care. I took a deep breath and asked again.“Do you know Choi Woohyuk or not?”— …“Answer me. Do you know him or not?”— Sunbae?“Do you know him or not, you bastard?!”I tried to stay calm, but my rage boiled over, and I ended up shouting, my voice thundering like a storm.“What the fuck? What the hell—”Choi Woohyuk, startled, was fumbling around in shock. The boss, now fully grasping the situation, stood there frozen, his face drained of color, while Hyung rubbed his head like he still had a headache.— Sunbae? Why are you calling from this phone…?“Can’t you hear me?”— Are you at XXX right now?Jung Woojin said the bar’s name directly. I was furious beyond belief. Struggling to keep my shaking body under control, I asked one more time.“What the hell are you up to?”— Why is Sunbae there… No, wait… Sunbae?“What the hell are you doing?”— Sunbae?“You bastard, you—”I was so angry that I couldn’t speak properly. I kept stuttering like an idiot, unable to complete a single sentence, when suddenly I heard the sound of an engine starting on the other end of the line. Jung Woojin spoke urgently.“I’m on my way, just wait… Sunbae, please, just a moment…”He hung up in the middle of his sentence. I felt like I was going to cry. I was so furious that I couldn’t control my own body. I bit my lip hard and handed the phone back to the boss. When I looked up, Choi Woohyuk was staring at me, half in a daze. I ground my teeth.“If you’re lying about sleeping with him recently, you’re dead today, you bastard.”But what if it’s true? Everything seemed to go dark before my eyes.***I had no idea how much time had passed. No one could speak, and the air was thick with tension when the boss finally asked,“…That guy, could it really have been Jung Woojin back then?”His tone suggested he still couldn’t believe it. I turned to look at him, scanning him from head to toe as I spoke.“Mind your own business.”“…”Why the hell isn’t he here yet? With a loud crash, a chair went flying into the wall. I couldn’t bear it anymore. Swearing under my breath, I kicked chairs and trash bins across the hall when I noticed the numbers above the elevator starting to move. I heard a sharp intake of breath. I turned to look at Choi Woohyuk. He had gone pale as a corpse and was staring at the elevator. When he turned to look at me, we stared at each other for a long moment, and then the elevator doors opened.“Sunbae!”Jung Woojin shot out of the elevator like a spring, looking even more ghostly than Choi Woohyuk. At the same time, the boss took a few steps back, creating some distance between us, as if it were a safe zone. Hyung did the same. Choi Woohyuk stood frozen in place like a statue.As Jung Woojin rushed toward me, reaching out his hand, I dodged and raised my arm. With a loud smack, Jung Woojin’s face snapped to the side. His eyes widened in shock as he looked at me. I was breathing heavily as I asked,“Do you know that bastard or not?”“Huh?”“Do you know Choi Woohyuk or not, you fucking bastard?”Jung Woojin, with a bewildered expression, glanced at Choi Woohyuk. When their eyes met, Choi Woohyuk flinched. He was already on the verge of tears. Jung Woojin turned back to me and asked instead,“Who is that?”“What?”“Why are you here, Sunbae? Is this where you’ve been working?”“…”Who is that? His unexpected question left me speechless. As I took a breath, Jung Woojin reached out to me again. He kept looking around, ignoring everyone else, and asked,“Are you okay? Did you get hurt? Did someone say something to you?”Jung Woojin kept checking on my safety, like I had just come out of some horrible place. Seeing his tearful face, my anger suddenly subsided. But I still felt disbelief and frustration. I stared at him for a moment before pointing at the boss and asking,“What’s your relationship with him?”Jung Woojin casually turned to look at the boss. The boss was sweating profusely, pretending to be uninterested. Jung Woojin, with a calm expression, said,“Our parents know each other, so I just know his face.”“And him?”“I don’t know him.”Jung Woojin shook his head as he looked at Choi Woohyuk. He genuinely seemed not to know him. Choi Woohyuk looked like he was about to die, but I didn’t care. I had no energy left to worry about anyone else.“Are you gay?”“No.”“Then what about me?”“What?”“Am I gay?”At my sudden question, Jung Woojin became flustered. He fumbled for words, unsure of what the right answer was.“You told me before that sometimes when you finish work early, you go to a bar, right?”“…”“Was it a gay bar?”“No.”“Then did you just go to bars to pick up men?”I took a step back, and Jung Woojin gasped in surprise. Unable to approach me, he looked at me with a pitiful expression and asked,“Why are you like this?”“What do you mean?”“Why are you saying that? Did I do something wrong?”“Are you seriously asking because you don’t know?”He seemed genuinely clueless. As my anger grew, I felt confused too. The more we talked, the more I felt like we were somehow missing each other. I was panting with rage when I asked,“Jung Woojin.”“…”“You…”I needed to ask, but the words wouldn’t come out. If I asked this question, I felt like something inside me would break. Like everything I had worked so hard to protect would vanish without a trace. But I couldn’t hold it in anymore. If I didn’t ask now, I would regret it for the rest of my life.“Other than me…”My mind went blank. I could hear a rusty door creaking open in my head.“Have you slept with someone else besides me?”Creeeeak, creeeeak, the sound repeated for a long time before it stopped.For a moment, I had the illusion that the whole world had stopped breathing. Jung Woojin stood frozen, unable to breathe, staring at me. He opened his mouth as if to say something, but then closed it again. Then he turned to look at the boss. After that, he looked at Choi Woohyuk, then at Hyung. Finally, he raised his head to the ceiling and scanned the surroundings. Just as he was about to break the tense silence and say something, Choi Woohyuk called out to him.“Jung Woojin.”At the sound of his hoarse, sunken voice, Jung Woojin turned to look at Choi Woohyuk, who now had a dazed expression completely unlike his usual self.“Son of a bitch.”“……”“Where the hell were you…”“……”Choi Woohyuk stopped mid-sentence and clamped his mouth shut, his voice trembling as he tried to hold back tears. For a moment, my mind went blank.“Sunbae.”Jung Woojin, who had been staring at Choi Woohyuk, called out to me. I closed my eyes and exhaled deeply, then inhaled again.“Sunbae, wait a second. Something’s—”“Where the hell were you?!” Choi Woohyuk shouted. When I opened my eyes, I saw Jung Woojin was looking at him instead of me. Gritting his teeth, Jung Woojin asked,“Who the hell are you?”“What?”“Who the hell do you think you are?”“……What?”When Jung Woojin asked, Choi Woohyuk let out a hollow, almost crazy laugh. Jung Woojin watched him for a moment before turning back toward me. His face looked like he was on the verge of tears, but I didn’t want to see it right now. My head was pounding, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe, like I was about to throw up.I remembered how that wide house had been empty without Jung Woojin. He wasn’t in the living room, the bedroom, the study, or the bathroom. He was nowhere to be found. Just like then, I felt a suffocating tightness in my chest, and my stomach started to churn.“Sun—”Sensing that something was wrong, Jung Woojin reached out his hand to me. But before he could finish speaking, Choi Woohyuk interrupted.“How could you do this to me?”At his words, both Jung Woojin and I turned to look at him. His face was twisted, a terrible mix of frustration, sorrow, and anger.Jung Woojin claimed not to know him, but looking at Choi Woohyuk, it didn’t seem like they were total strangers. My chest felt tighter, and now I was struggling to breathe.Then the boss, who had been silent until now, spoke up, looking at Jung Woojin.“Choi Woohyuk.”Jung Woojin turned to face the boss.“His name is Choi Woohyuk.”“So what?”“That guy is Choi Woohyuk.”“Jesus…”Even after hearing the name, Jung Woojin continued to act like he didn’t understand, which made Choi Woohyuk curse again. I started to feel like I was the only outsider here. A vague sense of isolation and anxiety crept in, making me wonder what I was even doing in this place.I stood there for a moment before turning my back. I didn’t want to stay here any longer. Anyway, if Jung Woojin and Choi Woohyuk knew each other, then…Then what Choi Woohyuk had said was probably true.They slept together.Recently.So recently, Jung Woojin and that bastard…The crawling feeling in my stomach seemed to have reached my brain. My head was spinning, and as I staggered, Jung Woojin reached out his hand. I recoiled instinctively from his touch and turned my head away.“Back in high school, why…”Behind me, I heard the boss’s voice. I saw Jung Woojin frown as he stared at the boss. Then suddenly, his eyes widened as if he remembered something.Watching him, it felt like the ground beneath my feet was collapsing.Why am I feeling like this? No, why am I even with Jung Woojin in the first place?Memories of everything that had happened between us flashed before my eyes.Was I an idiot? Yeah, I must’ve been an idiot. After everything Jung Woojin did to me—dragging me to that damned island and treating me the way he did—how could I have forgotten and ended up here…The more I thought about it, the more my shoulders slumped.I wasn’t even angry. It was just… too much. I felt so… overwhelmed.Too… what? I wasn’t sure. But whatever it was, right now, I was exhausted and miserable.“Sunbae.”Jung Woojin called out to me. His voice was hoarse, like it had sunk deep into his chest. When I lifted my gaze, I saw Jung Woojin removing his watch and placing it on the table. I frowned at the sudden shift in the atmosphere, and as Jung Woojin turned his back, he pressed the button for the elevator. The door opened, and he turned his head to look at me.“Wait for me in the car.”“……”“Twenty minutes, no, just ten minutes.”It was ridiculous. When I let out a scoffing laugh, the corners of Jung Woojin’s eyes turned red. He looked like he was about to burst into tears, but at the same time, he looked so angry that he might stab someone.Wait? You want me to wait for you?I didn’t know what kind of expression I had, but when Jung Woojin saw my face, he tightly closed his eyes for a second before opening them again.“I’m not lying. I told you I wouldn’t do anything you hate.”“……”“I’ll tell you everything you want to know. Just go downstairs for a bit.”It felt like a desperate plea, almost like a heartfelt command. I stared at Jung Woojin for a long moment before bowing my head. I stared at the dark floor for what felt like ages before Jung Woojin came closer. Before he could even touch me, I shoved his hand away and said,“If you’re not down in ten minutes, I’m leaving. I’m never seeing you again.”As I got into the elevator, I saw Jung Woojin clenching his fists. Just before the doors fully closed, I heard him mutter to the boss.“Close up the shop and pull down the shutters.”The moment the elevator doors shut completely, there was a loud crash from behind them. When I arrived in the basement and stepped outside, I saw a familiar car parked haphazardly in front of the elevator. I stared at the black sedan for a while, then turned my gaze back to the closed elevator doors.Jung Woojin told me to wait, so I guess I will… Yeah, I should at least hear him out.In my head, I could hear Jung Woojin calling out to me. His voice, confessing his love, whining about how much he missed me, crying for me to believe him. It echoed like a hallucination. Each time the bugs in my head squirmed, I could hear him saying, hyung, sunbae, hyung-ah, calling out to me over and over again.Maybe it’s not Jung Woojin who’s crazy. Maybe it’s me.Not long ago, I collapsed from retching in an empty house. Yeah, maybe it’s not that he’s crazy; maybe I’m the one who’s gone mad. That must be it. That’s why I’m feeling so sad and scared.Because I’m terrified he might have really slept with someone else.That he did to them what he did to me.That he called their name with the same desperate longing, confessed to them with the same smile like he had the whole world.That he held their hand and whispered “I love you” to them, just like he did to me.“……”Everything went dark. It felt like the ground beneath me was crumbling, and I was falling endlessly. I wanted to scream, to curse, to demand what the hell had happened, to shout at him to explain or give me some excuse—but I couldn’t. I felt like I had turned into a helpless idiot.Without realizing it, I was digging my nails into my neck, scratching at the skin. Then I heard the sound of the elevator doors opening. I turned my head and saw Jung Woojin.“……”“……”His white shirt and delicate fingers were stained with blood. Without saying a word, he put me in the car, got into the driver’s seat, and reached into the back seat for his jacket. It looked expensive—black and stylish—but now smeared with blood. He wiped his hands with it and tossed it back, saying:“I’ll take you home.”Which home?I didn’t say anything, so he lowered his head and started the engine. As the scenery blurred past, a faint smell of blood mixed with the air. The car stopped in front of an apartment building. Jung Woojin didn’t say anything, neither that we’d arrived nor that I should get out. After a long silence, he spoke:“I remember.”I didn’t look at him.“I met him when I was nineteen. When Sunbae…”“……”“I met him after coming out of a motel.”He meant they slept together. My eyes shut instinctively. Should I just give up? I really don’t know anymore. Can I even give up? What now? What should I do? As I was lost in thought, Jung Woojin continued calmly.“I didn’t want to like you, Sunbae.”“……”Before I knew it, I had turned to look at him. His eyes were red, like he was about to cry.“I wanted to like someone else.”“……”“I didn’t want to like you, Sunbae.”“……”“It was too…”It was too hard. I didn’t want to live like that anymore.Jung Woojin began to tell me about the past.***After I found Sunbae, I followed Sunbae every single day. I kept feeling hopeless, resenting, hoping, and then collapsing, only to get back up again.I told myself a dozen times a day that I should give up. Every minute, my thoughts would change. I’ll give up. I should. I need to study. I wonder what Sunbae is doing. I have tutoring. I want to see Sunbae. I need to go find him.The confusion slowly ate away at me, ruining my ability to think clearly. I had nightmares dozens of times. In my dreams, Sunbae would be laughing with someone else, holding out his hand to someone who wasn’t me. Every time I had that dream, I’d wake up trembling. I couldn’t go back to sleep. I’d stay up all night, only to find Sunbae the next day, still living his life as if nothing was wrong. Even though I didn’t want to, I always ended up chasing him again.Then one day, I thought maybe I should just die. Why should I live like this? Sunbae doesn’t even remember me. But I couldn’t die. Not because of some great reason, but because I was afraid Sunbae would be happy with someone else if I wasn’t around. Even though I knew we’d never be happy together either.I must have been crazy. No, I was crazy. I hated myself, feeling so pathetic it made me want to cry. But there was nothing I could do. I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t do anything.I hated seeing Sunbae smile with someone else. I hated seeing him reach out to someone else. At first, that was all, but as time passed, I started to hate everything.Why is Sunbae hanging out with someone else? He never talks to me like that. Why does he smile like that with other people but not with me? Why can’t he even remember my name? He remembers everyone else’s.Why can’t Sunbae remember me?Why doesn’t he recognize me when he sees me?Did he forget about me? Has he forgotten everything?Why?How could he?If he was just going to forget everything, why did he do all of that to me?He told me to wait for him. Then he forgot about me.Sunbae abandoned me.The more I thought about it, the more I hated the idea of Sunbae being happy with someone else. If he was going to be happy with someone other than me, I’d rather he just died. Or maybe the two of us could suffer together for the rest of our lives.I didn’t want to think about it, but the thoughts kept coming. Each night, I imagined killing Sunbae. If he were gone, I wouldn’t be living this miserable life. I’d imagine stabbing him, beating him, tying him to a tall tree on a snowy mountain and leaving him there to freeze. And when I’d finally fall asleep, I’d dream of us laughing together.In those dreams, Sunbae would hold out his hand to me, pulling me up when I was curled on the ground. He’d hold my hand tightly, and we’d walk together along a long path. The ground was covered in flowers, the sky was blue, and a pleasant breeze was blowing. But then snow would start to fall, and Sunbae would let go of my hand.No matter how much I reached out to grab him again, he wouldn’t notice. No matter how much I begged him to stay, he would turn his back on me and walk ahead. When I cried out for him to wait, he wouldn’t listen, so I’d chase after him in tears until I grabbed his hair and pulled him down.Where his face should have been, there was a black, gaping hole. I couldn’t see what expression he was making or how he was looking at me. I reached out and choked him. I didn’t want to, I cried as I told him I didn’t want to, but in the end, I killed him.Every night in my dreams, I killed Sunbae. And in those same dreams, we always ended up laughing together. I really just wanted to keep walking with him. I wanted to keep walking down that long road to nowhere, together. But Sunbae let go of my hand. He didn’t answer when I called, and no matter how much I reached out, I couldn’t catch him…“I paid him to date me. At first, he needed the money, so we slept together. Then at some point, I must have started to like him. I don’t know when it happened, but one day, he took me to a gay bar for the first time.”