Laundry Divers: An Erotic Lesbian LitRPG

The security technician folded like a lawn chair. Not only did he open the gate to his wing of the strange facility, but he even handed over his keycard. Surely, it would be smooth sailing from there.

“I’m gonna file a complaint,” Jade grumbled. “How could they not put maps up on the wall. This is bullshit.”

“I’ll be sure to keep my eyes out for a suggestion box,” Sabrina mocked dryly. “After we find the exit.”

They came upon a large set of double doors. “I’ll be this is it! I’m such a genius,” Jade boasted.

Sabrina tapped the keycard on the receiver, then both pushed. “This isn’t the exit,” Jade blurted out, defeated.

Rather than an exit, they found themselves in a large prison bullpen. Scattered in cages, there were what could only be described as elves. Specifically, they were beautiful elf-women. All wore Dickensian night gowns and were now glaring frightened at the open door.

“What… is this,” Sabrina gasped. She wandered, off-kilter, to a nearby cage. There were three elves in this cell— two curvaceous ones, and one flat-chested. All of them seemed to fall on those two ends of the spectrum

Sabrina was unsure how to even start. She found herself asking “Are you elves?”

There was chatter in a language that Sabrina didn’t recognize. The small-breasted elf stepped up to answer. “You may call us that. That is what the devils in charge call us. We are Tuatha Dé Danann.” She spoke with a soft and lyrical voice, in an accent that sounded vaguely Irish, but more ancient and ethereal.

“How did you end up imprisoned here?” Sabrina followed-up.

“We were taken long ago. Foul conquerors destroyed Tír na nÓg, our homeland. For more than one-and-a-half millennium, prisons like this have been our only home,” she said somberly.

“That’s so fucked,” Jade commented.

“That’s horrible. I promise, we will do everything we can to get you out of here.”

Out of sheer curiosity, Jade asked, “Why are there only women? Are the men kept elsewhere?”

“The elf who they’d been speaking to looked puzzled, and slightly offended. “There are men here. I am a man.”

Jade’s eyes went wide as she realized how badly she misstepped. “Oh, shit! I’m so sorry. I see, now. The male-elves are the ones with smaller boobs.”

A large-breasted elf in the cage across from the first one snickered, and interjected, “And larger shillelaghs.”

“Shillelaghs?” Jade repeated. Then she lit up with delight. “Elf-women have dicks?” She gestured down to the Living Dildo, to give an example.

The man winced, alluding to some sort of history with the one who mocked him. “One-in-nine of our women are specially endowed.”

“You can say that again,” the woman teased.

Jade made a small sidebar with Sabrina. “We really need to help them escape. They’re a race of hot elves, half of them are lithe femboys, and some of the women are specially endowed. This is my dream!”

Sabrina tried to ignore that remark. “Do you know who put you here?” she asked.

All around, elves grumbled and sneered. The man answered with hatred, “The conquerers were led by the dreaded Patrick. He is responsible for driving us from our land. They treated him like a hero for it.”

“Patrick?” Sabrina asked, thinking over the implications. “Saint Patrick? Wait…” she paused, suddenly filling with dread. “Is this place the Catholic fucking Church?”

The woman answered this time. “Níl a fhios agam. They call themselves The Knights Templar.”

Sabrina and Jade shared a look of horror. Together, they shouted, “We need to get the fuck out of here!”

…

Sloan chocked her dive up to a success. Plenty league-members were still dumbasses, but she successfully showed them the ropes and let them level-up their aspects a bit. Quitting while she was ahead, she led the group back out to call it a night.

Exiting the tunnel, it was clear that something was deeply wrong. Sounds of chaos chopped away in the distance, and the faint red and blue of police sirens refracted slightly into the laundry room. She waited until everyone was accounted for, and then instructed them to stay put while she scouted ahead.

>Now playing: Heathers — Insignificant Other

There were police and news helicopters shining spotlights down on the apartment complex. Outside of the parking lot, police barricades were set up, while cops and SWAT operators kept information just outside. Alice was swinging between different points throughout the property, laying down rune stones and magical gadgets in a frenzy.

“Glad you made it,” Alice called out, still focused on her chaotic work. “I was starting to worry about you, girlie.”

“Worry about me? What is this?” Sloan demanded.

“Oh, this? No biggie; this is fucking war!”

“Fucking what? This isn’t war, this is fucking Waco! What did you do?!”

“I didn’t do squat! Some kind of shadow-government declared war on me! Biggest mistake they’ve ever made! I intend to win!”

“What the fuck are you even talking about?!”

Alice swooped down, using slime-tendrils to break her fall. “I managed to put the whole building and the lot it’s on into a big cooperative domain— kind of like a base. Then I pushed some code I’ve been messing with to let me see if anyone if we’re under surveillance. Surprise, surprise: we are! As soon as they realized they were outed, they sicked the pigs on us! Don’t worry though; I managed to ward the whole place against hostiles. Only residents and invited guests can enter the property.”

“Alice! Look at what you’ve done! What about the neighbors? This is a disaster,” Sloan dismayed.

“Welp,” Alice said, with an anxious shrug. “That toothpaste is already out of the tube. I gave the neighbors the broad strokes and warned them all to hunker down inside. We’ll make it up to them,” Alice explained.

“I don’t even know how we could begin to do that. Where’s Jade and Sabrina?”

“That’s what I’m trying to figure out. They’re phones are disconnected, so I rigged something together to pinpoint their locations,” Alice said.

“—And?”

“They’re nowhere. I thought they might be in the dungeon, but I was able to track you down. I’m thinking the Big Brother already got em. I spent most of our base points making a think that can beam them home, but until they stop being in the Bermuda flipping triangle, they’re flipping fucked,” Alice said angrily. “You should see the worst part, though.”

“How could there possibly be a worse part?” Sloan asked, foolishly.

Back upstairs, the newscaster on the TV was ranting, next to embarrassing photos of all four members of the party. “—you heard me! Terrorists! The woke left has officially gone too far! They’re holed up with hostages in their terrorist cell, right now, and they’re coming to get you ladies and gentlemen. It might not be very PC to say, but I’m sorry, these raging lesbians are radical anarchists and they want to destroy our American values!”

“Ridiculous,” Alice muttered sourly. “We’re not even radical anarchists. Where did they even get that?”

“I am,” Sloan corrected.

“Huh. I am, too. I guess that’s fair,” Alice admitted.

All of the photos except for Alice’s disappeared. Alice tensed up. The man continued his tirade, “Worst of all, is Mr [DEADNAME]. What have I been saying for years, ladies and gentleman? This is the endgame of the radical trans-agenda being shoved down our children’s throats! Are you going to sit by and let these teachers turn your child into a terrorist?! The real question is, what will it take to get the lazy bastards in Washington off their asses (pardon my French) to finally do something about these sick vermin who are grooming our children?!”

Alice’s face fell flat. Sloan looked embarrassed. Sloan lied, “I didn’t hear your…”

“I’m gonna kill him,” Alice interrupted.

Sloan nodded awkwardly, unsure if she should add to the joke, or talk her friend down from seriously killing a broadcast television personality. She was saved by the bell, as some new gizmo began blinking and beeping. “What’s that?” Sloan asked.

“The homing portal! It finally zeroed in on Sabrina and Jade!” Alice ran to the device and zoned out as she interacted with her mental interface. “Bringing them in, now! Wait… whoa! They’re bringing guests…”

“What guests? How many?”

“Flipping… seventy?! Get down!” Alice warned.

Before either of them could hit the deck, a full crowd of elves blinked into existence in the small living room. They were piling up, like using console-commands to fill a room with one humorous object in a video game. Fully disoriented, Alice looked for light in her pile. Frustrated, a flurry of tentacles dug her out.

Once Alice surfaced, she spotted Sabrina. “Welcome to the party,” she greeted groggily. “What happened? What’s with the elves?”

“It’s a long story,” Sabrina evaded. “I’m just so happy to be home. Jesus, if I never see another cop, it’ll be too soon.”

Alice nervously said, “Oh… about that…”

“We’re just getting new information about Sabrina Medina, the alleged ringleader. She mysteriously quit her data-entry job on Thursday, the eleventh. Experts speculate this was due to an escalation in her terrorist plot. Criminal profilers are also looking at her mother’s suicide as a possible motive for her radicalization.”

“What the fuck,” Sabrina uttered.

Jade pondered, “I wonder if this is about all those guys we killed.”

“You what?” Sloan barked.

“They were goons,” Jade retorted.

Jade gave a sigh of relief. “Whew. Now I don’t feel so bad about that cop I maimed.”

“You what?!”

“This just in,” the newscaster continued. “We’ve just gotten word that these militant lesbians have topped the most wanted lists for both the FBI and the Department of Homeland security! What will this mean for their hostages? Only time can tell. If you ask me, this is a time when sacrifices must be made for the greater good.”

Sabrina was stunned. She repeated those inexplicable words. “Most wanted…”

End of Book One

Laundry Divers will return in Book Two, Laundry Divers: Most Wanted. 

Author’s note:

Wow. Thank you for coming on this strange and horny journey with me so far. There’s a lot more to come, but first I’ll need to figure out the process of getting this edited and go from there. Incidentally, if there any publishers reading *nudge-nudge, wink-wink*…

Be sure to let me know what kinds of things you’d like to see in Book Two. If you’ve enjoyed the story so far, and want to show your support, you can can donate to my ko-fi. Otherwise, just reading my silly tale means the world to me. 

I can’t make any promises, but I don’t foresee a long wait before I post the first chapters of the next book. Until then, if you’ve enjoyed want your fix of an even dirtier work of mine, you can check out Darkstone Academy. 

Once again, thank you. I couldn’t have done it without the support of my readers. 

PS: never mind