NOVEL NEXT Chapter 86: Hate
“Do you hate me… Siya?”
Mara’s words resonated in my mind as I thought about how to answer.
“I mean… You tried to kill me, when you failed, you instead made every single day of my life a living hell until I wanted to die.”
She clenched her fists. “I had no choice… I did the best I could to make you strong.”
Her eyes were cast towards the ground. “Did you know that’s the phrase I dislike the most?”
She slowly lifted her eyes to meet mine again. “what?”
for whatever reason I didn’t feel nearly as tired as before. “Can you help me sit up again so I can look at you while we talk…”
She did as I asked. Everything else left me trying to figure out my own feelings, but this seemed more serious. I knew the answer, it was just a matter of putting it into words and getting her to understand.
“You always have choice… You weren't being mind-controlled. No one used magic on you. You had plenty of choices. Three extremely obvious ones.”
‘I hate it when people say they had no choice as if saying that fate predetermined their actions. That takes away the most fundamental things that make us human, the most basic premise that all tactics are derived from.’
“What?” Her voice raised in pitch as if she was more confused at my calm demeanor than my answer itself. I suppose I couldn’t blame her, but while the topic was a new one for her, it was one I had had years to think about.
I held up three fingers. “Firstly, you could have told the king to screw tradition, and prepared for war if necessary.” I lowered a finger leaving two remaining. “Your second choice was to give up the noble title willingly. You used to be adventures anyway, good ones, so I doubt picking up that life again would have been hard.”
“And the third?” She asked.
“Of course, the third option is what you chose to do, and we ended up where we are now. There are variations of these choices depending on how things would play out politically of course, but those are the three most obvious ones.”
Her brow narrowed again as she thought about what I had said. I could tell just by her look she wanted to tell me how unreasonable I was being to expect that from her.
Of course, I understood that as well, but reasonable or not it was hard for me to see her as choosing the family over me, instead, it felt like she was choosing the country over me, the same country that wanted me dead.
I took a deep breath, clearing my mind. “The first two choices have too many downsides for me to call them logical, so of course, I can’t hate you for not making them they just aren’t good moves. Still, they were choices that you could have made.”
Her jaw moved slightly behind her closed lips, slowly moving her teeth together with a nod, hanging onto my every word.
I couldn’t look at her. “While I can’t hate you for not making the first two… That doesn’t mean I can forgive you for choosing the third option either.”
“I see. So that’s how it is then…” Her cold and calculating expression returned, and for the first time since I woke up, it felt like she was normal. Well, at least the “Normal.” that I was used to anyway.
Having explained myself my body began to feel heavy, so I slowly slid my way back under the blankets, laying on my back and staring up at the ceiling. “Honestly the easy solution would have been to just say I was an orphan you found in the forest. You could have also just ordered Jerry to say I was his daughter. Those options don’t seem so bad either.”
I lifted my casted arm up in front of my face to look at it. It was clearly made from some kind of leaves and vines that had been hardened somehow, leaving a comfortable and soft material, that was sturdy and hard on the outside. ‘I wonder how this was made.’
“I’m sorry… It was selfish of me to try and comfort you.” Mara turned and gazed out the window.
Her wistful eyes gazed out at the cold wintery landscape that sprawled out around us. I had never seen her like that before. It was almost like she was sad, or like she was longing for something. Even I felt like I could guess what she was thinking. I tried not to though, afraid that sadness would be contagious.
Whenever I made Bhaltair angry, I admit that in turn made me feel happy, when I made someone sad though, even if it was her, I was left with nothing but a pit in my stomach.
I slowly rubbed my face. ‘I guess I’m the one being cold and distant now… I really am a hypocrite…’
I let out another sigh. “Mara…”
She turned around the streak of a teer glinting off her cheek. I couldn’t believe it. I had tried so hard to make sure that I never cried in front of her, that I never showed weakness. Yet here she was, staring right at me with a tear falling from her eye.
I was left speechless.
She wiped it away with her hand and cleared her throat. “Are you feeling better?” Her voice was unshaken, and her expression was still cold. It was almost as if it was all in my head.
“Yeah, I’ll be fine… I just need some time to think…”
She opened her mouth but slowly closed it again before she could say a word. “If you need anything at all, I’ll be around.”
I watched her blankly as she turned to the door. ‘That's the first time I’ve seen her smile like that… Like a weight was lifted off her shoulders, but at the same time… She looked so sad… I thought it was hard to read people before, but now it’s just impossible. Am I the only one capable of saying what’s on my mind?’
Seeing her leave. My heart ached as much as it did when she treated me like dirt. ‘Why do I feel like this…’ I clenched my fist as tightly as I could, “Thak’s… For staying this time…” in a matter of seconds, I relaxed again, wanting to just disappear.
She didn’t turn back, or even respond, just opened the door. When she did I saw Catherine standing just outside, casually leaning against the wall.
“How long have you been here?” Mara grumbled.
“Well, I didn't want to interrupt such a sweet moment.” She said with a wry smile. I didn’t have any context, but I couldn’t help but get the feeling that she was trying to say “I told you so.”
‘She heard all of that?’ My face reddened at the thought. ‘I didn’t even do anything though… It was all Mara… So why am I the one feeling embarrassed…’
“Right… Well, you're her doctor, so it makes sense. Thank you…” Her footsteps slowly trailed away.
They traded positions, and Catherine was now the one by my side. “Who would have guessed you’d be as cold as her.” She said bluntly as she grabbed a hold of my arm.
“Should I have pretended to care? I suppose I could have tried to manipulate her to try and make my life a little bit easier.”
Her face twisted as she looked over at me. “You scare me sometimes Siya…”
I sighed unable to laugh at my own cruel joke, admittedly feeling down about how everything ended. “I wouldn’t actually do that… I’m not a good enough actor… I just told her the truth… It's not like I can change how I feel so easily…”
“I guess your right.”
Even with Catherine right next to me occupying my attention, my ears hung on to every footstep she made as she walked down the staircase.
‘Why aren’t I happy just at the fact that she doesn’t want to kill me? Is it because of how wrong I was about her? I feel like I’m crossing my fingers before a dice roll, knowing that here loaded… What if in the end, she ends up making the same choice as father…’
‘Maybe I’m just afraid to have someone care about me.’