Kiss the Ground

“I went to the hospital during the day.”“Again? What did they say this time?”“They said there’s no problem again. I think we should consider changing hospitals. There’s a clinic recommended by our group in Yetebori….”“Dear, you always say there’s no problem wherever we go. It’s common for kids of that age.”“Well, yes, but you know. Misha is different from other kids…”“It might be temporary. I’ve told you many times. Don’t focus too much on such things…”“…Alright then. You always just tell me not to worry. It’s not like I want to pretend everything is fine in other people’s eyes, you know?”“Well, maybe it’s because you’re overly anxious.”“What?”“You keeping the child confined and giving unnecessary classes all day long is having a bad influence on him.”“Me? Am I the problem now?”“Yes. Until a year ago, everything was fine. Trying to control him like that, how can such a small one bear it? It’s just not right.”Misha stood quietly leaning against the walnut wood wall outside the bedroom door. It was the only warm place in this house made entirely of stone. Those inside the bedroom were unaware of Misha standing there.“You have no right to say such things! Do you ever care about the children’s future?”“Stop it. Just leave him alone for a while. He’ll be back to normal soon.”“Back to normal? That child is not normal. How on earth…”“I said stop it!”There was a sharp, cold, and transparent sound as if something brittle had broken. Even the air seemed to vibrate as Misha’s leaning against the wall echoed throughout the corridor.“…Do you remember when was the last time Misha cried?”With that, the room behind them fell silent. Misha tried to still his involuntary trembling legs, but it wasn’t as successful as he hoped. Afraid the creaking would be heard, Misha quietly lifted his heels and walked cautiously down the marble corridor. The corridor, white and pretty, was much colder and harder than the wooden walls.Misha’s mother didn’t like it when Misha didn’t cry.Or rather, she used to like it, but now she didn’t. It didn’t take long for praise of Misha’s precociousness to turn into suspicion of coldness and indifference. Twelve months were enough.Misha’s mother held Misha’s hands and said that not crying was a sickness that must be treated. Holding those hands, Misha visited more than eight hospitals, and more than eight doctors gave the same puzzled expression.“There’s nothing wrong physically, so if there’s a problem, it might be psychological.”And Misha’s mother didn’t seem to like that answer at all. It was because, she said, in order for Misha to become good at singing, he needed a heart that could cry. To pity something or to empathize with something and feel moved by it were the roots of art, she believed.When Misha’s illness was completely cured, their mother said she would send him to a big music school in Austria or France. And having Misha spend most of his day in private lessons at the Royal Academy was also for his sake. During classes lasting over eight hours, Misha would either sit quietly in his chair, open his mouth to make sounds as instructed, or silently listen to others sing.His day ended when the shadow of his legs tapping under the chair reached from the west to the east of the room. Misha’s day ended from one narrow room to another.And Father generally had no particular objections to Mother’s decisions. Occasionally, at the breakfast table, he would offer the same greeting across the newspaper. “Hello, Misha. Have a good day today.” But Father never asked what fruit Misha ate for lunch yesterday or what he played with.Walking down the silent corridor alone, Misha wondered why he had fallen ill like this.The doctors usually told Misha to try to remember why he stopped feeling sadness. But whenever he did, Misha’s mind seemed completely blank, as if it had been erased with an eraser. Perhaps it was because he hadn’t lived long enough to dig into reasons. All he remembered was the white walls of the private room at the academy. He had spent his time there since he was very young.Misha entered the spacious living room. The Asplund Mansion was generally bright, clean, tidy, and made entirely of plain, patternless stone. In a house where there was not much entertainment for children due to the monotonous interior, the living room was the only place with a television.Misha picked up the remote control resting on the glass console and sat on the sofa in front of the television. The sofa was too high for an eight-year-old, taking him quite a while to climb onto. It was also evidence that this wasn’t a place meant for Misha.With the remote control gripped tightly in both hands, Misha touched the power button. It was then that someone from the room connected to the opposite side of the living room peeked their head out.“Are you turning on the TV, Misha?”His two-year-old sister, Lima Asplund, said in her high-pitched voice, almost singing.“If Mom finds out, she’ll be mad!”Approaching the sofa with her blue dress fluttering, Misha didn’t look at her but pressed the button on the remote control to turn on the television.“Didn’t you hear me?”Lima’s bird-like voice rose even higher.“Mom said watching TV is no good. She said it makes you stupid and foolish, unable to feel happy or sad on your own. She, she called it a ‘superficial medium.'”Looking up at Misha with a smiling face, Lima’s lovely expression was filled with pure joy, contrary to her words. Since Lima liked to tell Mother or Father about Misha’s daily activities, it made sense.“So you promised not to touch it. I keep my promises.”“……”“Who should I tell? Dad might forgive you, but Mom might be very upset.”“……”“What if Mom cries again? Because you’re such a bad kid. Then I might feel very sad too. You probably forgot what that feels like, right?”Lima rolled her eyes as if contemplating something. Immediately, a natural voice disguised as deliberation flowed out.“Or should I tell Mom and Dad both?”Only then did Misha turn his head to look at Lima’s face. With a face full of genuine joy, Lima looked at Misha, who was sitting on the sofa. Misha looked at her face for a moment and then slowly raised his right hand.Lima’s pupils widened like plates. The thunderous scream came right after that.“…Dad! Misha did something bad with his finger!”With a scream that shook the huge mansion, Lima darted out the opposite door like an arrow. Everything became silent in an instant, and the only thing left in the parlor was the subdued voice of the announcer coming from the CRT television.Only then did Misha turn his hand over, the one he had thrust at Lima. Last time he was here, just like now, he had watched television secretly and learned the gesture of insult. Making the shape of a hand was still difficult, but it was recognizable enough for Lima to notice. Misha felt a little proud.As Lima’s shouts disappeared into the distance down the corridor, another sound came from the opposite door. It was the pleasant sound of several soft footsteps on the floor. Eventually, a puppy leaped into the room and lightly trotted onto the sofa where Misha was sitting.“Laika.”As Laika wagged her tail and nestled against his side, Misha’s body leaned to the side. Laika, just like Misha who wasn’t much older than her, had grown as big as her young master. As Laika licked his face enthusiastically with her moist tongue as Misha stroked her back, feeling her warm body temperature.“Good girl. Pretty.”Laika was the most loved puppy in this house for Misha. Although there was only one dog anyway. When the grandmother of the siblings living in the Yorkmoor Eye Mansion gave Misha a young Laika, she said that Laika was a breed that would become a very big dog when she grew up. Since puppies grow much faster than humans, Laika would surely become an adult before Misha.Feeling Laika’s warm body temperature on his lap, Misha changed the channel with the remote control. There were only about five channels available on the television in the parlor, and channels with double digits were all broadcasting screens flickering like sand. Misha focused the screen on one of the five channels and placed the remote control beside him.The television was broadcasting a sports broadcast in full swing. Clearly displayed in the top left corner of the screen were words that Misha could vaguely understand.[U-14 Football World Championship Round of 16 ― Sweden vs. South Korea]They were words that Misha could vaguely understand. It seemed to be a tournament where players around the age of fourteen played soccer matches. Seeing people who were much bigger than Misha, but still young enough to be children, running back and forth on the field wearing the same clothes, Misha’s guess seemed to be correct. Soccer… Misha knew about soccer. Not just soccer, but also about baseball and ice hockey. They were famous sports with a large fan base. However, Misha had never tried playing any sport with a ball. He had received a toy ball from his grandmother when he was even younger than he was now, but as soon as they returned to Stockholm, his mother hid it somewhere, and his father showed no interest in finding it.“…It’s over, Laika.”Misha picked up the remote control again to turn off the TV, and within a few minutes, the game ended. It was a 3-0 victory for Sweden.“Boring.”As Misha thought it was better that the program wasn’t even a little interesting as he turned off the television, someone would soon come running into the room with Lima’s complaints. Now all Misha had to do was go back to his room and lie on his bed before they arrived, pretending to be sick. Usually, when he pretended to be sick, his parents would just leave him alone.However, just before turning off the television, Misha’s attention was drawn to someone reflected on the screen. What caught his eye for the first time was the candy-like color of the person’s hair. The damp hair, glistening like a crow’s feathers, moved around the screen in an unfamiliar manner. But what truly captured Misha’s heart was the second reason.Tears. Clad in a uniform of unfamiliar colors, the person lay sprawled on the green ground, crying with their whole body. Their black eyebrows twisted, and their trembling lips looked vivid even from a distance. Among the people moving around in confusion, they cried endlessly with an unbearable expression of pain.Beads of sweat were dripping from their entire face on the full screen. Glittering tears streaked down their twisted cheeks. Misha watched silently, his little finger resting on the power button of the remote control.He couldn’t tear his eyes away. In the vast screen, zooming in and out repeatedly, they existed as the sole protagonist. There were a few others crying on the field, but only their tears, whose owner’s name was unknown, held onto Misha and wouldn’t let go.“They’re sad and angry.”Although he had learned that tears could come when happy, the tears in their eyes on the screen were undoubtedly born of sadness, Misha understood.Sadness. A feeling of being crushed all over, like when crushing leaves or breaking castles… Even when he heard that he had to go to Austria alone, or when the ball his grandmother gave him disappeared, he clearly felt it. He still remembered the lingering feeling of that heart, now vanished without a trace.How could they cry like that?Tears falling down their chin dropped onto the grass. Thud. Thud. Each time, the heart that had been firmly embedded in Misha’s little chest sent waves of resonance deep into his body. It felt cool, as if they were crying for him instead. It was a strangely painful sensation.Bending down, Misha leaned his cheek against Laika’s back. He felt her warm body temperature and the ticklish sensation of her fur, as well as her gentle breaths and the muscles beneath them wriggling. As Laika turned her head slowly and rubbed her moist nose against Misha’s forehead, it was love and friendship. Even dogs had the most essential emotions that beat along with their hearts. Even though Misha lacked something so basic.Feeling Laika’s frequent breaths on his hair, Misha thought that the person on the screen was probably the most alive person at that moment. Their brilliant tears of sadness were surely the essence of vitality and the proof of life.Footsteps of adults could be heard from far down the hallway. Misha hurriedly turned off the television and huddled on the sofa. The stadium adorned with countless flags disappeared in an instant, as if asking when it had ever been so dazzling.Staring at the blackened screen of the television, Misha thought quietly.If only I could see those tears, those eyes, with my own eyes. And I want to hear for sure how they feel in that moment. Then maybe Misha’s eyes, which are broken or not working, would come alive again.With a small and insignificant hope, only faint traces flickered on the dark and hard screen without any answer.Less than two months later, Laika died of an illness. Misha’s only friend and mentor ended up buried forever in the back garden of the Asplund Mansion, reduced to a childhood memory. And even at that moment, Misha couldn’t shed tears.***The meals or drinking sessions of Winchester United FC took place at the Red Beard nine times out of ten. A small local pub inside the city outskirts. Most players chose this place for a short relaxation after matches or training, and today’s choice after the preseason club friendly match was no different.Eight players had already taken their seats at a table in the corner, almost like designated seats for the players. The reason there were only eight players gathered was that there weren’t many who could participate in the post-match gathering with a cheerful heart after today’s loss.“Leroy, stop crying… It’s making me depressed too.”Seated deep inside, Judd Ingram threw a comforting jab mixed with a hint of annoyance at Leroy Houston. Leroy had started choking up since two minutes before the end of the game, finally ending a loud cry once, and now he was whimpering in the aftermath of the crying fit.“Well… It’s a shame we couldn’t win the cup, but there’s nothing we can do about it. Honestly, everyone’s been too busy lately because of the A-matches. It was a tough schedule to fit in even the preseason friendly tournament. To be honest, it’s strange that we made it to the starting lineup at this time…”“Yeah, and how are you going to handle all the upcoming games? We have our league, Champions League, and…”Despite the sincere comfort from a few colleagues, Leroy couldn’t stop sobbing. Yoon Chahyun, sitting next to Judd, handed Leroy her napkin. She watched Leroy’s face, which had become red and swollen from crying, with a serious look and gently patted his shoulder without saying a word. Leroy soon stopped crying and calmed down with red, swollen eyes. Alois Pfuhni, trying to change the mood, raised his glass.“Alright, let’s drink up and forget about everything today!”“Yeah! Let’s get wasted.”“Let’s not get wasted…”Among the players who were already raising their glasses without waiting for anyone else, Misha tilted his glass. While doing so, he glanced at Yoon Chahyun, who was sitting far away on the other side.Without noticing the slightest hint of Misha’s gaze mingled with the transparent distortion of the glasses, he raised his anonymous drink and engaged in light conversation with his neighboring colleague. Meanwhile, he twirled the long metal piece attached to the cap of the bottle with his fingers. It was a strange habit of his to fiddle with the cap once he opened the bottle. Misha had watched all of his matches without missing a single one, but learning about such a trivial habit was impossible without an occasion like this.***It hadn’t been long since Misha started observing Yoon Chahyun up close. It had been just over three months since he joined Winchester FC.The first emotion Misha felt when facing Yoon Chahyun’s black hair up close, rather than seeing him from the stands or on screen, was the thrill of his own accomplishment. It was the first time in his life that he felt such an emotion. The joy of finally obtaining something he desired, without having made any effort before, was strange to him.“I finally made it to this point.”Immersed in that excitement, Misha unknowingly grasped his hand firmly for a handshake. But Yoon Chahyun responded by gripping Misha’s hand even tighter without showing any sign of surprise. It was a strong grip that made their hands turn white. Even after they finished their first meeting and left the lobby of the center, the impression lasted for quite some time. So it was natural for Misha to vividly remember the firm touch and warm heat even after three months.That day, Misha felt a sense of excitement akin to excitement for the first time in his twenty-two years of life. The hope that he could now stand by Yoon Chahyun and comfort him in his living sorrow from up close. It had been a long-cherished wish from the moment he first found him on screen ten years ago to now. To Misha, it was an aspiration that had been unfulfilled for a long time.However, the joy of finally reaching the goal after enduring the long wait didn’t last long. It was for one simple reason. Because there were already one or two figures by his side.“…”Misha looked around the table where his teammates were seated. They would be teammates for at least a year from now on. Some of them had been with Yoon Chahyun even before Misha joined this place. But they were just a small part of the vast crowd surrounding Yoon Chahyun.And Misha was not one of them.Yoon Chahyun was surrounded by many people. Too many, in fact. There were current teammates, former teammates, and former former teammates who ran in the same league together. The number of staff members from the same team exceeded hundreds. Whenever Misha met unfamiliar English club officials, Yoon Chahyun would greet them with a smile. Behind that smile, there were long-past unknowns and countless reasons that Misha couldn’t understand.It was a setback. It was only then that Misha deeply regretted aiming for the title of ‘same organization’ for himself in relation to Yoon Chahyun. To fully understand him beyond observation, Misha needed to be recognized as an individual by him.But ironically, for that to happen, Misha also had to belong within that crowd. Because Yoon Chahyun was not a generous and forgiving person who readily gave a specific place to everyone. He was kind and affectionate to everyone but was a little more generous to teammates. Misha had to learn to be satisfied with the given position and humbly seek it.Misha’s position next to Yoon Chahyun was similar to the round table they were sitting at in Red Beard. Although it was located far and distant on the edge, it was still a part of the same circle, an indeterminate position.But as he lingered there, sometimes Yoon Chahyun would approach Misha first among the crowded masses.“It’s also cruel.”When he unexpectedly ended up having dinner together due to a sudden invitation shortly after joining, Misha, avoiding eye contact, was greeted by him with a refreshing smile.“You can call me Yuan. Everyone does.”It wasn’t a topic that interested Misha much. Stories about how others addressed him held little interest. However, Misha found himself looking at his face as he spoke with an unaffected tone.“They don’t want to call me by my last name but can’t pronounce my first name properly. So they just call me by the last letter. It’s not even the correct pronunciation…”Well, what can you do? I can’t pronounce their names properly either. With that added to his smile, Misha suddenly realized something. It was a question of whether he was a different person from the figure that had always existed in Misha’s mind.After several more meals and occasional drinks together, Misha felt his thoughts gradually turning into certainty. The serious yet relaxed demeanor, the thoughtful yet playful voice were things he had never seen inside the screen. Misha gradually became convinced. He had become a much stronger person than he was as a child.That meant he wasn’t as emotionally invested as Misha had hoped. Yoon Chahyun’s tears had brought Misha to this place, but he no longer cried on the field. At least not in recent years.Why? What made him cry and what stopped him from crying anymore? Misha had watched every game and video of him since he was eight years old, but there was too much about him beyond the screen that Misha didn’t know. Numerous histories and processes piled up like a hard ground.But Misha had no right to demand answers to questions like why he no longer cried over defeat or why he wasn’t as sad as he used to be. The position granted to him by Yoon Chahyun to the sudden appearance of a young teammate was somewhat beneficial, and Misha considered it fortunate to be on the outskirts of his circle. He shouldn’t be greedy.So Misha decided to call him like everyone else. There was no way he couldn’t properly pronounce a name he had read countless times.“What are you thinking, Misha?”“Yuan.”Misha was startled and set down his glass. Yoon Chahyun himself had approached and sat down next to him without him noticing. By now, the table was noisy with colleagues discussing the game over drinks, and half of it was empty with no one in their seats.“Why, are you also sad because we lost? Regretting signing the contract already?”Yoon Chahyun said teasingly. Misha didn’t reply, but Yoon Chahyun didn’t seem uncomfortable even in such moments.“Everyone’s schedule is too tough, so don’t make too much of a fuss about the friendly. I’m a little disappointed that your debut transfer match turned out like this, but…”Misha was looking at the table, but Yoon Chahyun turned to him and said,“Just do better next time.”“Aren’t you sad?”The words that came out of Misha’s mouth were not planned. It was a question that had been accumulating and finally burst out after the previous reminiscence. As evidence of his sudden question, Yoon Chahyun seemed a little taken aback.“Sad? Because we lost?”“Yeah, don’t you want to cry? Like Leroy?”“Me?”Misha nodded. Yoon Chahyun remained silent for a moment, then replied with a very serious and dignified expression.“Why would I cry? I don’t cry.”It was a lie. When he lost in various semifinals or finals, he cried countless times. Yoon Chahyun, who met Misha’s sharp gaze, corrected himself with a somewhat embarrassed expression.“Well, maybe until I was sixteen… I guess I cried because I was sad…”It was a lie. The last time he shed tears was six years ago, during the quarterfinals of the U-20 World Cup held in Argentina, exactly when he was twenty years old. Misha remembered exactly that Yoon Chahyun scored the opening goal in the first half and the opposing team turned the game around in the second half. Yoon Chahyun seemed to be thinking about something alone for a moment, then suddenly spoke with a casual face.“Truthfully, I cried a lot because I hated losing so much. Would you believe me if I told you I cried more than Leroy when I was younger?”It was true. Once he started crying, he couldn’t stop. There were often times when he couldn’t attend award ceremonies or interviews because of tears.Yoon Chahyun, with a slightly reddened face as if he were drunk, tried to continue speaking slowly. Misha instinctively held his breath. The story that was about to begin seemed like information that Misha didn’t know and couldn’t verify.“As you grow up, you change. Losing in soccer, anyway, means the ball went into our goal, right? So, wouldn’t there be someone who’s truly suffering?”Saying so, Chahyun gestured slightly across the table with his chin. There, goalkeeper Luga, who had drunk as much alcohol as he could, had his head resting on the table at a right angle, deeply asleep. He was a silent colleague who never showed any frustration even when Leroy shed tears.“And.”Yoon Chahyun spoke clearly, raising his body leaning on the table. His gaze was fixed straight on Misha. His pupils were so dark that his black irises glimmered softly.“I don’t cry on the field anymore.”“…”“I don’t want to appear weak anymore. Especially not when I’m up there, standing at the front.”Yoon Chahyun’s face was more serious than ever. Misha couldn’t take his eyes off his face.“…But if I say things like this, you know what Jude would say? He’d say it’s an overblown ego, not a joke.”Saying so, Yoon Chahyun suddenly laughed as if crumbling. Just by changing the angle of his eyes and eyebrows, which seemed stronger than anyone else’s will, his smile was quickly softened. The seriousness disappeared completely in that smile, leaving Misha feeling as if something had struck him on the head.The sensation in his chest at that moment was the same feeling he had felt on the sofa in the reception room of the Stockholm mansion long ago, watching the young him reflected on the screen. It was like a fluttering feeling of a small yet immense sensation trapped in the chest.Feeling the small yet immense sensation spreading once again within his chest, Misha quietly realized. The heartbeat of that day was gradually getting louder, growing with Misha, now like a big bird, constantly crouching in his chest and holding his breath.Ah, maybe this feeling is perhaps…Looking at the only person in front of him in the cozy pub, Misha felt a dizzying sensation as if falling off a cliff. Chahyun, who had been laughing alone, suddenly turned his head towards Misha as if remembering something.“But how old are you?”“Twenty-two.”“That’s right… Wow, you’re really young.”“No, I’m not.”“No? Well, you’re practically a newborn.”Yoon Chahyun rested his chin on the table again, this time reaching out to gently pick at Misha’s hair. He had a habit of adjusting his colleagues’ clothing, and he did it a little more when the other person was younger than him. So Misha’s age gave him a slight advantage over others. Yoon Chahyun smiled slightly and said,“You can still cry a little more.”Misha blinked. Perhaps, there would never come a day when he would explain about his tears. For years, he had wanted to see him cry, but strangely, now it all seemed meaningless.Instead, what had a new meaning was his smiling face. Hidden in passionate sadness, he was beautiful, but beyond that, how much more dazzling was he?Misha suddenly felt afraid. Once captivated by his weakest self, there was no way he could resist being drawn to his strong self now. But to be by his side, he mustn’t cross the line. A teammate, a rookie to be mindful of, just a bystander’s name on the periphery. With his feet on the edge of the circle that surrounded him, Misha reminded himself that he was forever forbidden to step out of it.***Yoon Chahyun actually underwent a doping test. The notorious test where one person from each team is randomly selected after the game ends. Including substitute players, the chances of Yoon Chahyun being selected were 1 in 18, which seemed rare, but it was an intentionally targeted selection by the doping committee.From the moment the third goal went in, the dispatched inspector began to chase Yoon Chahyun’s movements like a radar, and Chahyun eventually had a premonition that he had fallen into this quite arbitrary selection. It wasn’t random at all. But he had no choice but to comply. The game was suspicious enough to warrant it.3:1.With the whistle at the end of the game, the staff and players of Winchester FC all rushed to Yoon Chahyun. Overwhelmed, Chahyun lay on the ground as they hugged him tightly, emitting incomprehensible cries of affection. Lips, whose owner was unknown, stamped kisses on his cheeks and neck alternately, and hands without a clear source patted and stroked his buttocks and head. It felt as if his body would be worn away.Looking up at the faces of his teammates while lying down, there was an expression of ecstasy that went beyond happiness and joy, verging on madness. Achieving the quarterfinals was a triumph for them, each with a slightly seasoned face, and they shouted incomprehensible words of love to Yoon Chahyun in their native languages. Italian, German, Spanish, etc… Among them, the only thing Yoon Chahyun could understand was the whisper mixed with Jude’s English, his native language from England.“Explain!”Yoon Chahyun had nothing to say. Because the one who really needed an explanation was Yoon Chahyun himself.No, could this really be happening?Running across the field for the last 45 minutes, Yoon Chahyun couldn’t even trust his own condition. The final experiment, done with the feeling of grasping at straws, proved its success with each goal scored, but the more successful he was, the more numb Chahyun felt. Perhaps it was a coincidence at first, he thought somewhat clumsily when the first goal was scored…But if that insane coincidence happened three times, he had to admit it in the end.Misha was the one who put shackles on Yoon Chahyun’s ankles, but it was also Misha who held the key. But what was even more eerie was the fact that contact with Misha not only freed Yoon Chahyun from the trap but seemed to give him wings. It wasn’t just about filling 80% to 100%, it was beyond that. That’s how surreal Yoon Chahyun’s goals felt today.Even after returning to the locker room, Winchester’s euphoria didn’t fade. Amidst the chaotic staff and players, Blue, crying like a bear, rushed in and hugged Yoon Chahyun tightly. It felt like being embraced by a giant teddy bear without hair. In the midst of that frenzy, what ultimately freed Yoon Chahyun was the sharp notification from the inspector that he had to undergo testing. How ironic.“What, it’s Yuan for the test today? Is it sensible to take you out when you’re at your best?”“Well, what’s there to spoil the mood? Winston got picked during the first round, and he whined that he wouldn’t come out, so they made him drink 2 liters of drink right there. It wasn’t torture, really.”Ignoring his colleagues’ regrets, Yoon Chahyun followed the inspector. Until he entered the testing facility inside the stadium, he felt like he was still dreaming a strange dream.Inside, he was greeted by a few others from the committee and, unlike Chahyun, only one player from Bromham, who had come purely out of his own misfortune. A young player from the defeated team who couldn’t stop crying over the dream of the quarterfinals… Yoon Chahyun, who had inadvertently shattered that dream, felt very uncomfortable, but when he stood in front of the inspector for the test, that feeling didn’t last long.Players undergoing doping tests usually had to take off their tops and pants and be half naked. The inspector in front of them was squinting like an owl to confirm that the substances to be tested were coming directly from the player’s body. It was something that even after several years of experience, you couldn’t get used to. There was a reason why everyone avoided it.But what Yoon Chahyun felt as he tried to forcibly extract something that didn’t come out in front of the inspector was a subtle anxiety that was different from humiliation. A ridiculous imagination of what if something really was detected. Even though he knew it was a foolish thought.As Yoon Chahyun walked out of the testing room with his soul laid bare, he was grabbed by a Bromham player. Sobbing throughout the inspection, he grabbed Yoon Chahyun’s clothes with his swollen eyes and said,“Uh, can we… swap uniforms…?”Yoon Chahyun just nodded blankly. With his head overloaded, he couldn’t think of anything else.***“Oh, our son!”After finishing the chaotic interview, Cheon Seongju ran up to Yoon Chahyun like a bull and hugged him tightly. In his arms, which forcefully embraced Yoon Chahyun’s body that had cooled down, there was an undeniable longing for capital. While Chahyun was staring blankly at the ceiling, Seongju repeatedly hugged him and let go of him several times. Surrounded by the emotional gazes of the media team and affectionate applause.“If Yoon Chahyun pretends to be like this, pretending not to do the broadcast subtly. Pretending to be soju, very wicked, right?”“Hyung.”“If you’re going to write a script like this, you should let hyung know, right? We almost packed up and caught the plane during halftime, you know. It’s not playing with money.”“Ah, really…”“Anyway, well done! So pretty, I could die, this rascal.”After releasing his arms from the embrace, Seongju ruffled Yoon Chahyun’s hair with both hands. The hair, which had started to dry halfway through, quickly became a mess as if a cow had licked it.“But why do you still look so dumbfounded? You were flying around like a balloon during the game, and now… You scored three goals, so you should liven up the interview a bit, hyung tells you that every day. You can exaggerate a little.”“…It still doesn’t feel real.”“Hyung doesn’t feel it either. It’s a shame it’s a short plan instead of a feature-length documentary.” Seongju’s face was literally ecstatic. Seeing his eyes, which had been the epitome of dry-eyed modern people, now slightly moist, it was clear. It was truly a long time since he had seen such a relieved and fulfilled face. The capital addiction was good after all.However, Yoon Chahyun knew that for him, all these things were not yet over. There were still things that needed to be finished.“So are we going back to the center now? Are the guys here doing some kind of after-party? Today must be really serious.”Cheon Seongju grabbed Chahyun’s shoulder with a meaningful look on his face. Yoon Chahyun lowered his head.“After-party… we’re doing something similar, but I can’t join in today.”“Why not? Just because the protagonist is missing?”“I have something else to attend to from now on.”“Oh really?”Seongju widened his eyes, looking at Chahyun, then nodded shortly.“Personal schedule, right. But you should always be careful about what I always say, especially at times like this. Watch out for scandals, watch out for people, watch out for your mental state. Huh? Those are your three biggest problems.”“Come on, I really can’t take it. You’re always… I’m not a kid anymore.”“To me, you’re always a kid. You’ve grown up from being a clueless brat to wandering around alone. Ah, don’t forget you have an interview schedule before the quarterfinals. We’ll see each other then.”Accompanying Chahyun, who nodded quietly, Seongju escorted him to the end of the corridor where the locker room was. Until the last moment, his face was filled with a happy smile. Even though the situation must have gotten busier with Winchester FC’s advancement to the quarterfinals, he seemed only joyful.Entering the locker room, Chahyun informed his colleagues, who were already preparing to leave for the center, that he had a separate appointment. It was heartbreaking and regrettable, but it seemed he wouldn’t be able to participate in the dinner either. He tried to make a sad expression as much as possible, but the harsh barrage of criticism and jeers that began to rain down was unstoppable.Dodging the sharp gazes pouring down on him, Chahyun took a shower and changed his clothes hastily before fleeing the locker room with half the intention of escaping. Now, everything had to be postponed to the next opportunity.Walking down the corridor, Chahyun turned on his phone. Numerous messages congratulating him on the victory popped up on the screen simultaneously. And finally, a message arrived from someone who had been waiting for him.▶ [Exit at the rear gate of D Block.]Walking in the direction indicated by the message, Yoon Chahyun took out a cap from his team bag hanging on his shoulder and put it on deeply. In the crowd-filled corridor, spectators who were late to enjoy the aftermath of the victory were mingling. Most of them were wearing Winchester FC fan uniforms. From here on, caution was necessary.Amidst the people heading in the same direction, Yoon Chahyun passed several corners. The new stadium was spacious with many aisles, but it was just as intuitive. As he brushed past a few signs pointing outside, a straight exit appeared before him. And at the edge of the exit stood a figure, illuminated by the light.As if cutting through the flow of the crowd, Yoon Chahyun walked towards Misha. Inside his team bag hanging on his shoulder, he took out a cap and pressed it down firmly. Amidst the crowd bustling around them, no one seemed to notice that the two people standing in front of the exit were the players of the club who had been so passionately cheering just moments ago.“It’s late… because the ending took longer.”At Chahyun’s murmur, Misha slowly nodded his head. His gaze was calmer than at halftime but much clearer.In a brief moment of about 15 minutes, where some despaired and some resigned themselves, in the narrow confines of the bathroom, Yoon Chahyun had clearly made a promise to Misha. He promised to explain the reason why he brought him there. The furrowed eyebrows and fiercely burning eyes of Misha, who had been looking up at Yoon Chahyun and questioning, were still vivid in his mind. Chahyun spoke softly.“I waited…”“I waited too.”Misha slightly lifted the hood so that only his face could be seen by Chahyun. As they stood facing each other for a moment, the gazes of a few people began to gather on them belatedly. Their eyes were filled with hesitation. Glancing around briefly, Misha leaned closer to Chahyun and whispered.“Let’s go. We agreed to have a meal together.”With that, Misha showed his right hand, which he had withdrawn from the pocket of his raincoat. Dozens of British pound notes were spread out like a fan in his hand. While Chahyun was speechless at the sudden appearance of the wad of cash, Misha quietly continued speaking.“It’s just now.” With that, he smiled ever so slightly. “I mean, I won in the race.” Against the backdrop of the night sky after the game, Misha’s gray eyes sparkled. As they left the stadium behind them, Chahyun sensed that the time had finally come for him to lay everything bare to Misha.***The restaurant on the outskirts of London, a little away from the stadium, was small and modest, but equally tranquil and elegant. The worn plaque with the date from the 1800s and the subtly sparkling tables held the essence of bygone times. Under the warm orange light, Misha and Chahyun took their seats at the table.Choosing this restaurant was not part of a predetermined plan. The shops near the stadium were crowded with fans celebrating victory or lamenting defeat, and as they moved away from the center, the density gradually thinned like a gradient. A place not too far away to waste time on transportation without anyone recognizing the players. Misha’s side profile as they searched for such a place on the street was consistently serious.“If I knew we were coming here, I should have worn a club suit or something. There wasn’t time to grab one…”“No. Yuan, you stand out too much.”It seemed like it wasn’t the right thing for you to say… Thinking that, Chahyun watched as Misha took off his coat and straightened himself up. Despite being slightly damp with moisture, his appearance, shaking his slightly damp hair, was definitely eye-catching wherever he went, even amidst a crowd.Sitting down at the table with Misha, Chahyun realized that it had been at least a year since they had shared dinner alone. There were times when he didn’t know the streets of London well himself and had taken him here and there. It felt like the very recent past. But on the other hand, he felt that he had come too far from there. The topic of conversation at the table wouldn’t be the same awkward camaraderie or getting to know each other as before.“…Did you watch the rest of the game?”It was Chahyun’s question that first broke the silence at the table. Since they had been together at the stadium, he must have watched it. It was a slightly awkward question, but he couldn’t help it. Misha, who was sitting in front of him, simply nodded at Chahyun without saying anything else.“How was it?”“It was upsetting.”Chahyun’s gaze, which had been leaning towards the table, turned towards Misha’s face. It was an unexpected answer.“I wish I could have been there too. If I could have run beside you…”With a pensive expression, Misha slowly raised his hand to feel the scars on his face. It was a slow movement, as if to confirm the direction of the scars.“It’s strange. I told myself I wouldn’t regret this to you… but today, sitting in the stands, I regretted it for the first time. It shouldn’t have turned out like this.”Then Misha said in a slightly faint voice.“If I sit there, you look too small.”Chahyun clenched his fist around the glass. The things he was about to explain from now on made Chahyun suddenly afraid. Before the start of the second half, Misha had released Chahyun and promised to keep his explanation, but now he was not pushing Chahyun at all. What was driving Chahyun now was only Yoon Chahyun’s own heart.Misha’s emotions were sincere. Yoon Chahyun had shared several interactions with others until now and had been faithful to all those emotions. However, Misha’s emotions were much heavier, excessive, and blindly passionate than Chahyun’s. It was the raw, unpolished heart that was surprising. He now knew that property to the bone.If he were to bring up something like a jinx. Saying that you tied the knot for me and made me undo it with your hands… In the cramped space, Misha held Chahyun, who was adapting to him, and clung to his back and waist as if he would never let go. Chahyun remembered his desperate, pitiful, and precarious arm and body temperature.But promises are made to be kept.“Misha.”Chahyun raised his head to look at his counterpart. Then, slowly opening his mouth to explain.Throughout Chahyun’s words, Misha remained silent. Even until Chahyun lowered his gaze back to the table, his expression remained the same as in the beginning. A motionless face. His face was inherently made to exude sadness, so there was no way to completely read what emotions he was feeling now.Chahyun clenched his fist around his left hand, which was resting on the table. Perhaps because he had strained his muscles all day, he felt a slight trembling, as if from his fingertips. He tried to grip it tightly, but the slight vibration spread slowly from his fingertips to his whole body.It was frightening.What on earth was it? In the unfamiliar unease, Chahyun furrowed his eyebrows. Rather than denigrating the other person in ignorance, he thought it was better, but now that he had laid everything bare, what surged up suddenly was fear.Misha remained silent for a long time, and a sharp silence settled on the table like a heavy fog. Chahyun always thought that Misha could get up from his seat and leave, or perhaps express disappointment or sadness. And then, perhaps, there would be no more appeals of affection to Yoon Chahyun. He would just sit there, with a sad gaze like a wounded animal…Yoon Chahyun suddenly realized the cause of his fear. That’s it. He didn’t want to hurt Misha. He didn’t want to see him sad.It was different from the moment when, rejecting him rationally and reasonably while riding together in a car on a holiday morning, he felt a sharp sense of relief… It was nothing like that…When Misha’s nails painfully dug into Chahyun’s palm, his voice dropped softly.“…It’s my fault. I acted on my own.”The emotions in his voice were unreadable. It wasn’t resignation, reproach, or despair… It didn’t belong to any spectrum of negativity. It was then that Misha overlapped his hand with Chahyun’s clenched fist on the table.“I’ll take responsibility.”“What?”Chahyun lifted his head as if awakened by fire. Misha’s gaze pierced straight through Chahyun. There was no trace of any pitiable sadness in it.Misha gripped Chahyun’s hand very tightly. It was a grip that held onto the trembling that even Yoon Chahyun himself couldn’t grasp, squeezing until the last breath. His gaze reflected the light, sparkling.“I’ll be there for you.”“What do you mean?”Chahyun barely moved his lips, his gaze fixed on the person opposite him. His voice came out strangely low, but Misha didn’t seem to pay much attention.“Exactly what it sounds like. Use me.”He met Chahyun’s gaze directly and slowly caressed Chahyun’s clenched hand. His fingertips slowly traced over the firm knuckles and tidy nails.“I said it’s a jinx that gets better with contact with me. If that’s my way of atonement, so be it. I caused you harm by destroying your original self.”“Atonement?”“I’ll do whatever you want. If you need anything, anytime, anywhere, like today.”Misha’s face as he spoke was like a solemn vow. He was bringing up a very strange proposition. Chahyun had never heard of such a thing before, and he opened his eyes and sat quietly.What came to mind was a story from a long time ago. It was the face he showed when he confessed his feelings to Chahyun for the first time in the empty locker room on a holiday with few people. Although Misha’s gaze in front of him remained the same as at that moment, what was different was that he was now turning the arrow of emotion towards himself. With the sensation of his heart clenching tightly, Chahyun opened his lips.“Misha, you’re…”“In love with you, Yuan.”A flash of light passed over Misha’s eyes. His orange-tinted pupils cast a low saturation light only on Chahyun’s face. The sound of the surrounding air and the faintly vibrating classical music diminished, and Misha’s expression subtly contorted.“I like you.”A thrill spread from the hand touching Misha. Chahyun realized that this was different from the trembling just now, born from an unknown fear. This belonged to the other person. It was evidence of surging emotions that flowed uncontrollably with every heartbeat, breath, and even circulation. But just after the vibrations that shook like sleep, Misha’s eyes returned to their original unreadable gaze.“So it doesn’t matter how you treat me. You’ll probably blame yourself, but you don’t have to. Even without that, you’re special.”“…”“Even if you don’t feel the same way about me, I…”“…I wouldn’t do such a thing.”Chahyun’s throat emitted a hoarse voice. This was wrong. Looking at Misha, who blinked as if puzzled, Chahyun couldn’t help but think that something was wrong with him. Either something was missing from the average human, or something was added to him. Otherwise, he couldn’t both express affection towards the other person and simultaneously ignore his own emotions.Chahyun suddenly felt a sharp pain and discomfort in his chest. His stomach churned, and he felt sick. But whether it was confusion stemming from dealing with someone who blatantly defied common sense, he couldn’t tell.“It’s over now, Misha. What you did to me, I did to you. That’s it.”“……”“I’m sitting here right now, the original me. There’s nothing more to climb or achieve.”