Kaleidoscope of Death

Kaleidoscope of Death by Xi Zixu

On the first anniversary of the day Ruan Nanzhu left the door and came back to Lin Qiushi, Ruan Nanzhu cooked up a feast, bought two bottles of good wine, and narrated a matter to Lin Qiushi as if it were a story—all to commemorate the occasion.

After listening to the story Lin Qiushi was quiet for some time. And then, facing Ruan Nanzhu’s expression of deep concern, he finally asked the question he’d been internally wrestling with all this time.

“The main character in your story likes putting on women’s clothing?”

Ruan Nanzhu froze for a moment, before humming a calm, mh.

“So where did learn that from?” Lin Qiushi asked. “Is it from the object of his affections?”

The truth was, he’d already faintly guessed at the answers to some questions a year ago. He just hadn’t thought it out in so much detail.

Ruan Nanzhu, “is that question important?”

Lin Qiushi, “is it not important?”

Ruan Nanzhu, “but is it important?”

Lin Qiushi did not respond again, but his expression was telling Ruan Nanzhu, this was important, very important—he was well and truly caught up on this question.

So Ruan Nanzhu lifted his wine glass and took a sip, before saying, “the object of his affections had once been forced into drag by a senior in the organization.”

Lin Qiushi continued to listen in silence.

Ruan Nanzhu, “it looked really good…”

Lin Qiushi, “…” And that did it for you??

“So he wanted to see it again,” Ruan Nanzhu said. “And as he wore it more and more he discovered it was pretty fun.”

How could a Drama Sprite stand unmoved before a stage? And once he’d put on drag the amount of acting he could do got way bigger…

Lin Qiushi buried his face in his hands, not knowing what to say. Should he blame someone else for starting Ruan Nanzhu down a crooked path? But if he thought about it, didn’t it kind of feel like he himself had been the one to mess Ruan Nanzhu up—

No wonder there was such a big disparity between Ruan Nanzhu’s personality inside and outside the doors. Lin Qiushi initially thought that under the tempering of the doors, Ruan Nanzhu had ended up with split personalities, but thinking on it now, perhaps these splits had existed since the beginning—the guy honestly just loved to act.

Lin Qiushi took another sip of wine, sinking into silence.

Ever since Ruan Nanzhu came out and the twelfth door was sealed away, the fading effect that came with the twelfth door had also begun to slowly go away.

Ye Niao was enthusiastically asking him to hang out again, and the lot at Obsidian seemed to remember Lin Qiushi’s existence once more.

Lin Qiushi was curious why that was, and Ruan Nanzhu, gaming beside him with a controller in hand, kept his eyes fixed on the TV as he calmly said, “the twelfth door doesn’t exist anymore, so it doesn’t matter whether or not we fade.”

Lin Qiushi arched a brow. “Then does the twelfth door disappearing affect the doors in any way?”

Ruan Nanzhu, “maybe?”

Lin Qiushi, “maybe?”

Ruan Nanzhu blinked.

“Maybe it’s easier for people to pass the doors now.”

Lin Qiushi lost himself laughing, thinking that probably was a good thing.

Even though, after coming out of Obsidian, everybody once again “remembered” Ruan Nanzhu, the truth was that their memories existed alongside a strange relationship. It was as if they could remember this person’s existence, but their emotions just weren’t quite making the same connections. Bai Ming’s behavior was a prime example—even though he seemed to know that Ruan Nanzhu was the person he ought to be good friends with, every time he came to visit, he was actually coming for Lin Qiushi.

Faced with such a situation, Ruan Nanzhu didn’t mind at all. In fact, he was utterly indifferent.

Lin Qiushi said, “Obsidian’s telling me to go to dinner tonight to welcome some newcomers. You want to come along?”

Ruan Nanzhu, “sure.”

So the two decided to go for free food and drink at Obsidian that night.

Arriving at Obsidian, both Lin Qiushi and Ruan Nanzhu received an enthusiastic welcome, though most of it was still centered on Lin Qiushi. Ruan Nanzhu didn’t care at all; he sat on the sofa and played on his phone.

In the past few days, Obsidian had inducted some newcomers. They were all supposed to be quite good, and had all passed their fifth doors.

The newcomers looked at Ruan Nanzhu and Lin Qiushi, most of their attention falling on Ruan Nanzhu—sitting on the sofa, Ruan Nanzhu looked as beautiful as a painting.

He was mostly without expression, raven-dark lashes dipping low over his eyes. His skin was as pale and smooth as jade, and his perfection seemed inhuman.

“This is?” the newcomers, watching Ruan Nanzhu, asked.

“My lover,” Lin Qiushi said, sitting at the table. “Nanzhu, come eat something?”

“Mh.” Ruan Nanzhu stood, came over, and sat down beside Lin Qiushi.

After dinner, Lin Qiushi was called away by Ye Niao to discuss something.

With nothing to do, Ruan Nanzhu strolled along the corridors and popped a candy in his mouth. One of the newcomers that had just entered Obsidian that day joined Ruan Nanzhu, greeting him with a hi.

Ruan Nanzhu, “yes?”

The newcomer said, “nothing, I just wanted to chat with you.”

Seeing the way he was being looked at, Ruan Nanzhu instantly understood the newcomer’s intentions. In his own eyes, a flash of interest appeared.

Lin Qiushi, who was still talking with Ye Niao elsewhere, had no idea what was occurring on Ruan Nanzhu’s side of things. Ye Niao was asking Lin Qiushi about this group of newcomers; he was the current leader of Obsidian, and wasn’t very handy yet at selecting new members.

“That newcomer’s good for everything, only, he’s a bit of a player,” Ye Niao said. “Lin-ge, do you think that’s a big flaw?”

Lin Qiushi, “it’s nothing too major, but it’s easy for someone like that to cause trouble.”

Ye Niao, “what kind of trouble?” He scratched his head. “It’s all ghouls inside the doors, he’s not going to hit on those, is he?”

Lin Qiushi, “aren’t there living people inside the doors too?”

Ye Niao, “oh…true.”

The two chatted for a while before splitting up. Only, once Lin Qiushi returned to the house he felt a glare of condemnation. Following that glare to its source, he found the newcomer in question staring at him with contempt in his eyes.

Lin Qiushi, “…” A moment of silence, and when he understood what had likely occurred, he looked over at Ruan Nanzhu.

Ruan Nanzhu blinked at him with a perfectly innocent expression.

The two began to communicate with their eyes alone.

Lin Qiushi: Ruan Nanzhu what script have you prepared for me this time.

Ruan Nanzhu: I’ll tell you when we get back

Lin Qiushi: …Fine.

Then the two got up and left. All the while, that newcomer’s glare stayed fixed on Lin Qiushi’s back like a shadow, like he wanted nothing more than to burn a hole there.

Once outside, Ruan Nanzhu slid into the driver’s seat and couldn’t hold back his laughter anymore. He said, “that new guy’s not good quality. He’ll be prone to trouble.”

Lin Qiushi, “what did you tell him?”

Ruan Nanzhu, “I said you were an absolute tyrant.”

Lin Qiushi, “…” He’d pretty much guessed this would be the plot, and said, exasperated, “that makes you this happy?”

“Yeah,” Ruan Nanzhu said. “Now that I’m not entering doors I can’t act anymore.” He’d lost such a major source of joy in life.

Lin Qiushi said, “fine, then tell me what’s in your script first.”

Ruan Nanzhu came alive in an instant, telling Lin Qiushi all about the story. Afterwards, Lin Qiushi’s expression turned very complicated. He pointed at himself.

“The tyrant?”

Then he pointed at Ruan Nanzhu.

“The innocent white flower who was taken by force? Don’t you have the roles flipped here—”

Ruan Nanzhu watched Lin Qiushi with those pretty eyes of his, and after thinking for a while, said, “if you want to switch things up I don’t mind either. We can try it next time.”

Lin Qiushi had to laugh, turning to kiss Ruan Nanzhu on the lips.

“Anything’s fine. As long as you’re happy.”

Because they didn’t come to Obsidian often, neither Lin Qiushi nor Ruan Nanzhu kept the matter of the newcomer in mind.

It wasn’t until a few months later at another Obsidian gathering, when Lin Qiushi and Ruan Nanzhu had both pretty much forgotten about this script of theirs, that the newcomer suddenly imposed himself in front of Lin Qiushi and began castigating Lin Qiushi in a harsh tone of voice.

“You can’t treat him like this!”

Lin Qiushi startled, and before he could say anything, that person was grabbing and lifting Ruan Nanzhu’s hand. He pointed at the bite mark on Ruan Nanzhu’s wrist, half-hidden beneath the sleeve, saying to Lin Qiushi, “why must you torment him so?!”

Everybody went quiet in an instant. Lin Qiushi, “what are you trying to say?”

The newcomer scoffed. “He doesn’t like you, so you have to put him through such humiliation? Everybody’s human. You just happen to have a bit more seniority.”

Ruan Nanzhu peered at the bite marks on his wrist, which were indeed from Lin Qiushi. Only, the reason they were there at all was because he’d done Lin Qiushi to the absolute max. He could remember even now how his Linlin looked with a sheen of tears in his eyes, gazing back at him with reddened cheeks—how the overwhelming pleasure had finally made Lin Qiushi lose control and bite down on Ruan Nanzhu’s wrist.

Lin Qiushi clearly thought of the same thing, and his expression darkened. He stood up, snatching Ruan Nanzhu’s wrist right back into his own grip.

“I’ll treat him however I like. What are you going to do about it?”

“How dare you!” that newcomer raged.

“He likes that I treat him this way. Ruan Nanzhu, isn’t that right?” Lin Qiushi gripped Ruan Nanzhu’s chin and forced Ruan Nanzhu to look at himself. “Tell him—do you like it?”

Ruan Nanzhu, “…” Honestly, he liked it so fucking much. So Ruan Nanzhu lowered his head, stumbling like he was being forced to lean into Lin Qiushi’s arms.

“I like it,” he said in a trembling voice.

When the newcomer saw such a sight, he was further enraged, moving to punch Lin Qiushi before Ye Niao got in his way.

The way Ye Niao looked at him had some degree of pity, but was also, of course, far more apathetic.

“Enough. Stop this.”

“You all just let him bully people like this?” the newcomer steamed.

“I’ll just ask you this, are you saving him because you can’t tolerate Lin Qiushi’s behavior, or do you have some ulterior motive toward Ruan Nanzhu?” Ye Niao asked.

“Of course it’s because I can’t tolerate his behavior!”

When he declared this, however, the newcomer’s gaze wavered. He’d been attracted to Ruan Nanzhu’s refined appearance since he first spotted Ruan Nanzhu, and so had gone to strike up a conversation. And after learning about Ruan Nanzhu and Lin Qiushi’s relationship, unspeakable thoughts had emerged in his mind.

“Bullshit.” Ye Niao was blunt, and didn’t bother saving him face at all. “We’re all fucking men here, you think we can’t tell what’s going on in your head? One wants to hit and one wants to be hit, you think they need you standing up for people over on the sidelines?”

The newcomer still looked angry when he heard this and had more to say. But he saw Lin Qiushi take hold of Ruan Nanzhu, saying, “we’re going.”

Ruan Nanzhu’s brows furrowed like he was hurting, but he didn’t call for help, only pressing his lips into a tight line.

“Nanzhu—” the newcomer roared. “Wait for me! I’ll save you!”

Lin Qiushi thought okay, great, he’s waitin’ for ya, but if you don’t manage to save him you gotta call me grandpappy.

Ruan Nanzhu had yet to say anything. He waited until they were in the car to lift up his wrist and pout, “Qiushi, look. The bite marks you left on me haven’t faded yet.”

Lin Qiushi shot him a look, before giving his turtleneck sweater a tug. He pointed at his neck and said, “oh you’re one to talk?”

And Lin Qiushi’s neck was completely blue and purple. Anyone who didn’t know better would suspect domestic abuse, and this had all been gnawed up by the damn animal Ruan Nanzhu.

At such a sight, Ruan Nanzhu couldn’t help himself; he scooted back up and took another bite.

“You just taste too good.”

Lin Qiushi, “taste too good??”

Ruan Nanzhu, “yeah. The mouthfeel’s like high-grade butter.”

Lin Qiushi, angrily, “I’m supposed to be the tyrant!”

Ruan Nanzhu, “who said the poor little thing can’t chew on his tyrant? Who made that the rule? I’m chewing. I’m taking extra bites.”

Lin Qiushi really had no answer to Ruan Nanzhu’s sophistry, so he just started up the car.

Ever since they stopped having to enter doors, they’d had nothing to do. Lin Qiushi got bored, and actually returned to his career from inside the twelfth door—he opened a design company. He lacked for everything but money now, anyways.

Though Lin Qiushi could pick up a career, things were different for Ruan Nanzhu. He was, after all, a high school drop-out…

About this matter, Ruan Nanzhu despaired: “I’ve only just discovered how difficult life outside the doors can be. I don’t even have social insurance[1]. Watch, in a decade or so when I’m old and ugly, and you won’t love me anymore…”

Lin Qiushi stared at Ruan Nanzhu, and wanted so badly to tell him to take a look at the nine digits in his bank account and maybe calm down a little.

Ruan Nanzhu, “no, I have to find a job. I can’t keep wasting away like this.”

Lin Qiushi, “then what do you want to do?”

Ruan Nanzhu, “I want to become an idol!”

Lin Qiushi, “…”

The truth was, ever since Ruan Nanzhu came out of the doors, his personality had grown increasingly lively. It was like he no longer needed to force himself to be Obsidian’s steady leader, and Lin Qiushi could see more and more of Zhu Meng and Ruan Baijie in his behavior. But this was a good thing, Lin Qiushi thought. Whether it was Zhu Meng or Ruan Baijie’s personality, he liked them both very much.

For the sake of Ruan Nanzhu’s idol dream, Lin Qiushi contacted Bai Ming and told him his thoughts, inquiring if Bai Ming’s lover had any way of bringing Ruan Nanzhu into the entertainment circle.

When Bai Ming heard Lin Qiushi’s question, he said, “did you brain short out or what?[2] You’ve got this quaint and succulent little life but no, you want to get into entertainment.”

Lin Qiushi, “but he’s got nothing to do, has he.”

Bai Ming, “where’s he at?”

Lin Qiushi, “grocery-shopping. Says we’re having hotpot for dinner.”

Bai Ming sighed with feeling. “Isn’t that nice though? Make some food together, go out and play together. Happy days are the small ones. You gotta think this through man, it’s not easy to get out of entertainment once you’re in. Here I am wanting my darling to back out of there every day! Though it’s only a thought…”

Lin Qiushi, “oh…”

Bai Ming, “have you thought it through?”

Lin Qiushi, “just let him go for it. It’ll be worse if he’s bored.”

Bai Ming, “fine. I’ll find a time to make introductions.”

Lin Qiushi nodded, and so the matter was settled.

Ruan Nanzhu came back with the groceries. Bai Ming eyed the giant basket of produce in Ruan Nanzhu’s hands and said, “who’d have thought, who’d have thought—the past leader of Obsidian has been relegated to househusband.”

Ruan Nanzhu’s expression went cold. “It’s about time you went.”

Bai Ming, “you’re not going to keep me for dinner?”

Ruan Nanzhu, “are you surprised? When have I ever kept you for dinner?”

Bai Ming scolded Ruan Nanzhu angrily for being so heartless before leaving. Watching the two, Lin Qiushi couldn’t help but laugh.

Despite having a little bit of an opinion on Ruan Nanzhu, Bai Ming was still reliable when it came to getting things done; a few days later he had his dearest hail Ruan Nanzhu over to audition for a character.

When Ruan Nanzhu said he wanted to be an idol, he had actually been kidding. He didn’t think Lin Qiushi would take him seriously. Such earnest treatment from his lover, however, made Ruan Nanzhu ridiculously happy, and after a bit of thought, he actually did head out to audition for Zhang Yiqing.

Lin Qiushi had been busy at his office that day, and when he got home, he was greeted by Ruan Nanzhu gnawing on sunflower seeds.

“How did it go?” he asked.

Ruan Nanzhu, “how did what go?”

Lin Qiushi, “your…audition?”

Ruan Nanzhu, “Zhang Yiqing says we start shooting in March.”

Lin Qiushi, “you got the role?”

“Yeah,” Ruan Nanzhu said. “But I’m not planning on staying in for long. I’m just playing around.”

He stretched before coming over and wrapping his arms around Lin Qiushi’s waist, burying his face in Lin Qiushi’s shoulder; every coquettish move was well-practiced.

“You’ve been busy for two whole months now, don’t you want to come keep me company?”

Lin Qiushi, “I can keep you company. Where would you to go?”

Ruan Nanzhu thought about it, before whispering a location into Lin Qiushi’s ear.

Red surfaced on Lin Qiushi’s cheeks.

“Can’t we go somewhere else?”

Ruan Nanzhu, “isn’t it nice there? You like it too.” He gave Lin Qiushi’s waist a rub.

Lin Qiushi, “okay then”

Ruan Nanzhu grinned. The place he named was the island that he and Lin Qiushi had lived alone on. It didn’t take much brains to figure out what two young people could get up to on an island, but they were all adults here. They didn’t have to be shy about these things.

In the following month, Lin Qiushi continued working on his own projects, while Ruan Nanzhu went off to act on Zhang Yiqing’s set. Concerned about him working too hard, Lin Qiushi would visit him at work. And Ruan Nanzhu was too much of a bastard to hide anything, so when his cast and crew asked who Lin Qiushi was, Ruan Nanzhu just said yeah that’s my sugar daddy.

The first time Lin Qiushi heard this answer he was shocked, asking do you know what sugar daddy means?

“Sure I do,” Ruan Nanzhu said. “You feed and clothe me.”[3]

Lin Qiushi, “…” He actually couldn’t refute it.

Others naturally looked strangely on such a frank-talking Ruan Nanzhu. Of course, there were others who admired how direct he was. But Ruan Nanzhu didn’t care about any of this. He was treating it all like a hobby, and this film like it was just something to mess around with.

But Ruan Nanzhu definitely didn’t dare say as much in front of Zhang Yiqing—he only thought it. Zhang Yiqing was the film’s director, after all, and if he knew what Ruan Nanzhu was thinking, then he likely wouldn’t let Ruan Nanzhu on set at all.

Principal photography lasted for over two months. Ruan Nanzhu’s character was a prince burdened with the vengeance of his country who ends up dying tragically. It was a moving and audience-favorite sort of role, and fitted well with Ruan Nanzhu’s original temperament to boot.

When he was filming his last major scene, Lin Qiushi even went to watch on-set. In full traditional garb, Ruan Nanzhu was stunningly beautiful. The sight of him facing down an army of thousands and slitting his own throat on top of city wall sent a thrill through even Lin Qiushi’s heart.

Zhang Yiqing called cut, and Ruan Nanzhu ran straight for Lin Qiushi still in costume, asking if Lin Qiushi thought he looked good.

“Very good.” Lin Qiushi stared at the professionally-made up Ruan Nanzhu, with the dashing brows and unparalleled good looks—and his heart did a pathetic pitter-patter. He said, “you look good no matter what.”

Naturally, Ruan Nanzhu had spotted the awe in Lin Qiushi’s gaze, and seemed to think of something. He asked, “are you going back to work later?”

“Mh. I have a meeting around three,” Lin Qiushi said.

“Then come home early tonight,” Ruan Nanzhu said.

Lin Qiushi nodded. Naively, he’d simply thought it was just Ruan Nanzhu’s everyday-flirtations, so when he got home that night and saw Ruan Nanzhu on the couch, still fully clad in guzhuang, his breathing stalled out. Ruan Nanzhu got up and walked over, lightly nosing at the tip of Lin Qiushi’s burning ear and saying, “wanna try?”

A moment’s silence, before Lin Qiushi, his voice also a touch dark and hoarse, said, “mh.”

The two went on to do the unspeakable.

It had to be said: sometimes, a lover with a passion for acting brought about lots of surprises. Though sometimes it was trouble, the flaws never outshined the virtues, and the progression of Lin Qiushi’s life was as colorful as those romantic dramas that young women liked so much.

Ruan Nanzhu’s filming wrapped, and he and Lin Qiushi went for a two-month island vacation. After that, they forgot about the filming thing altogether. Zhang Yiqing had wanted to introduce him to more jobs, but Ruan Nanzhu expressed that he’d only wanted to play around, and didn’t want to make entertainment his primary career.

The angry Zhang Yiqing took it out on Bai Ming, and Bai Ming thought himself innocent, but couldn’t do anything about Ruan Nanzhu. He could only bring his complaints to Lin Qiushi:

“Dammit, can’t you control that man of yours a little bit? My baby keeps saying that Ruan Nanzhu’s ruining a promising sapling, and what am I supposed to say to that? Ruan Nanzhu’s happy to ruin his own career, what am I meant to do about it?”

Lin Qiushi, “oh, yeah?”

Bai Ming, “you’re not even gonna try?”

Lin Qiushi, “oh, no.”

Bai Ming, “…” His fault. He actually thought he could depend on Lin Qiushi to get a handle on Ruan Nanzhu. Dream the hell on. When it really came to spoiling lovers, this bastard Lin Qiushi was so much worse than he was!

Bai Ming left without looking back. Lin Qiushi petted the chin that Ruan Nanzhu had propped up on his leg, asking his darling what he wanted for dinner tonight.

Ruan Nanzhu, “how about I eat you?”

Lin Qiushi, “alright, keep it up. Look how you’ve pissed off Bai Ming.”

What did Ruan Nanzhu care about Bai Ming? He and Lin Qiushi just kept making eyes at each other.

“Then let’s have Cantonese…”

Had Bai Ming not gone, he’d probably just be cursing out the shameless couple again.

Translator’s Notes:

1. Social insurance here refers to 五险一金, which is covers endowment, medical, unemployment, employment injury, and maternity insurances, as well as a “housing provident fund.”
2. This is Shanghai slang that literally translates to “has your brain Watt’d,” which I would’ve loooooved to write but i think it’s just on the wrong side of making sense here…
3. THIS WHOLE SUGAR DADDY CONVERSATION. I debated this a bit, so: the term RNZ literally uses is “patron” or “benefactor,” but neither has a salacious enough connotation to carry this dialogue, imo. And the term RNZ uses for “feed and clothe me” is 養, which is what you do for pets, pretty much—feed, house, groom, keep.

[Extra: What He Is] | [Extra: Shameless Couple (2)]