Kaleidoscope of Death

Tan Zaozao’s funeral came seven days after the award ceremony.

The weather was deep into summer. The funeral was held in a lush green pine forest, with cicadas calling on the tree branches—they just made the quiet all the more prominent. Lin Qiushi and Ruan Nanzhu were in formal dress, standing at the back of the crowd.

This funeral was a grand event. Here were Tan Zaozao’s coworkers, Tan Zaozao’s close friends, even some of her fans. The media was sequestered outside the graveyard, but some still tried to muddle their way in, wanting firsthand news on the funeral.

Lin Qiushi was very quiet. He watched Tan Zaozao’s ashes get lowered into the burial plot, and sealed in with cement. On the gravestone was a picture of her smiling. Red lips, white teeth, brilliantly grinning.

Time froze for her at her most beautiful moment.

It all seemed so unreal. Lin Qiushi even felt like this was some sort of nasty prank, and Tan Zaozao was still going to pop around to their house with her mess of fruits, and sprawl out on the couch to shoot the shit with Cheng Qianli.

Cheng Qianli also attended the funeral. He stood with Cheng Yixie. The two were on the other side of the crowd, and their expressions seemed lonely. Every time they watched someone die inside the doors, those outside couldn’t help a sense of sad dread for themselves. Because perhaps the next to lie down in that ice-cold coffin was themselves.

Once the funeral was over, Lin Qiushi and Ruan Nanzhu returned to the mansion.

For a while now, the atmosphere inside the mansion had felt repressed. Nearly every channel on television was broadcasting Tan Zaozao’s funeral.

Because stars who died in accidents were numerous, but dying during an awards ceremony, in front of all her fans? That was only Tan Zaozao.

And so it all compounded. Those who’d never known Tan Zaozao became her fans, and publishers took the opportunity to announce a relaunch of all of Tan Zaozao’s early films on BluRay… Funereal became celebratory.

Lin Qiushi was witness to these celebrations.

He sat on the sofa, watching Tan Zaozao’s friends get interviewed, get questioned. They talked of all the times they had with Tan Zaozao, and no matter what their true thoughts were underneath, at least in this moment, they were Tan Zaozao’s very best friends—though they hadn’t the faintest idea how their very best friend died.

Cheng Qianli, phone in hand, changed the channel in aggravation. He said, “why does it have to be like this.”

Lin Qiushi petted his head.

“They’re the worst,” Cheng Qianli said.

Lin Qiushi, “yeah. They’re the worst.”

At dusk, guests came to the mansion.

Bai Ming and Zhang Yiqing knocked on the front door. It was Ruan Nanzhu who opened it.

“Nanzhu, long time no see,” Bai Ming greeted Ruan Nanzhu with a smile.

Ruan Nanzhu nodded, and stepped out of the doorway for the two to come in.

Lin Qiushi glanced over, and saw that Zhang Yiqing didn’t look so good. He likely counted among Tan Zaozao’s few true friends, or Tan Zaozao wouldn’t have asked Ruan Nanzhu to take him through his door.

It was just that now, Tan Zaozao was gone.

“There are some things I want to talk to you about, and I thought I’d bring him along,” Bai Ming said.

“Come on.” Ruan Nanzhu and Bai Ming headed upstairs for the study.

Zhang Yiqing came to sit down on the sofa beside Lin Qiushi. He seemed much thinner than he’d been at the funeral, but his disposition was still sharp as ever, a mismatch for his surroundings.

Lin Qiushi didn’t speak to him, just idly took bites of the snacks on the table.

“Tan Zaozao’s last door, was it you guys who went in with her?” Zhang Yiqing suddenly asked after a long silence.

“No,” Lin Qiushi said. “Obsidian doesn’t take the sixth door.” After saying this, he expected Zhang Yiqing to aggressively grill him—but Zhang Yiqing only lowered his gaze and uttered a low, oh.

So the atmosphere quieted down again.

By Lin Qiushi’s previous standards, he should’ve found some conversation topic to dispel the awkwardness. But the him right now didn’t want to say anything, only to sit in silence. As for the awkwardness… whatever.

Bai Ming and Ruan Nanzhu spoke for a very long time. Who knew what they’d talked about? In the end, Bai Ming came down from the study smiling, while Ruan Nanzhu maintained his typical impassivity.

“I won’t keep you for dinner,” Ruan Nanzhu said.

Bai Ming nodded, grinning. “Let’s go, Yiqing.”

Zhang Yiqing made a sound of agreement, got up from the sofa, and left with Bai Ming.

Lin Qiushi looked toward Ruan Nanzhu and asked, “what did he come to you for?”

“To buy hints,” Ruan Nanzhu said. “He’s taking Zhang Yiqing door-training.”

Lin Qiushi, “…” He’d recalled something.

Ruan Nanzhu spoke lightly: “actually, after that time, I contacted Tan Zaozao. She refused.”

Lin Qiushi knew what Ruan Nanzhu meant—after that movie premiere, Tan Zaozao had begged Ruan Nanzhu to keep taking her through the doors. Ruan Nanzhu hadn’t agreed—he wouldn’t put his own and his members’ lives on the line like that. The sixth door on, there was a qualitative change, and any misstep could mean you died inside. He couldn’t possibly bring along a weak teammate.

Tan Zaozao didn’t like entering the doors. This was normal. Nobody liked entering the doors.

Ruan Nanzhu had asked Tan Zaozao afterwards. She’d had that last chance. There had still been a few months until her sixth door. If she would take the time to continue entering doors with Ruan Nanzhu, Ruan Nanzhu would agree to take her through her sixth door.

But Tan Zaozao had refused.

Lin Qiushi, “why did she refuse?”

Ruan Nanzhu, “not everybody’s got your bravery. She was normal.”

Lin Qiushi’s smile was bitter.

For some people, entering the doors was harder to bear than death. He hadn’t noticed that underneath Tan Zaozao’s blooming smiles, there was a heart already festered with fear.

His friend was gone, but he still had to live his days.

After getting together, Lin Qiushi and Ruan Nanzhu didn’t particularly try to hide it. The two openly began to hold hands, hug, do the things that lovers did.

They were all clever inside the mansion, and this clear change in atmosphere couldn’t possibly go unnoticed. Yi Manman patted Lin Qiushi’s shoulder in admiration. “Nice. You even managed to snag Ruan-ge.”

Lin Qiushi laughed. “Yeah, pretty good, aren’t I? I think so too.”

Cheng Qianli was the last to figure it out, and he only figured it out after running into Lin Qiushi and Ruan Nanzhu kissing in the front yard one day.

The ambience had been too great that night—bright moon, gentle breeze. Lin Qiushi and Ruan Nanzhu were sitting and chatting in the yard, and as they chatted, the two naturally got closer together.

Cheng Qianli had just come home. The moment he walked into the yard he let out that iconic scream of his—the one pitched exactly like the screaming rubber chickens.

“Fuck, what the fuck! Am I dreaming!” Cheng Qianli was saying. “Fucking fuck, why did I just see Ruan Nanzhu and Lin Qiushi kissing!!”

Cheng Yixie, from next to him, “what are you yelling about…”

But it was already too late. Both Ruan Nanzhu and Lin Qiushi were looking up and over.

Cheng Qianli, “they’re looking at me!”

Cheng Yixie, “…” Who else were they supposed to look at, with you screaming like this?

Grinning, Lin Qiushi greeted Cheng Qianli. Cheng Qianli confirmed this indeed was not a dream, but still appeared flummoxed: “O- oh, good evening Qiushi. What uh, are you two doing out here? Weather’s nice isn’t it…”

Cheng Yixie eyed Cheng Qianli; he kind of wanted to pry open the brain on this little brother of his, and check if it was all cotton inside. He apologized to Lin Qiushi, and hurriedly pulled Cheng Qianli away. While being dragged off, Cheng Qianli was still saying, all wronged, ge, can’t you pull lighter. His wrist was all red.

Cheng Yixie scoffed. “You didn’t see your Ruan-ge’s expression?”

Cheng Qianli, “…”

Cheng Yixie, “if I pulled you away any later, Ruan-ge might’ve beaten you to death right there.”

Cheng Qianli recalled that dark glare on Ruan Nanzhu, and thought his brother had a point.

Lin Qiushi watched the two go, thinking it was kind of funny. He said, “how was Cheng Qianli raised to be like this anyways?”

“It’s his brother spoiling him, isn’t it,” Ruan Nanzhu replied. “Spoiled the problems right out into the open.”

Lin Qiushi, “being spoiled can lower the IQ?”

Ruan Nanzhu, “that part’s actually all Cheng Qianli.”

Lin Qiushi laughed. He thought Cheng Qianli was adorable. It was just that alongside the adoration, there was also a bit of worry. After all, inside a door, those things didn’t take it easy on you just because you were cute.

“When’s your eleventh door?” Speaking of doors, Lin Qiushi suddenly remembered this matter.

Ruan Nanzhu peered at Lin Qiushi. “Not anytime soon.”

Lin Qiushi, “when’s not anytime soon?”

Ruan Nanzhu, “the year after next.”

So it really wasn’t anytime soon. But the time between the last two doors really was quite long. Suddenly: “That’s right… I’m just remembering, if you always went for the latest option when going through the doors, does that let you live the longest?”

After hearing Lin Qiushi’s question Ruan Nanzhu seemed a bit exasperated. “You’re only thinking of this now?”

Lin Qiushi huffed, “I haven’t noticed before, have I.”

“No,” Ruan Nanzhu said. “For example, if you jump straight to the sixth door from your third, then the time until your seventh door starts its count from the third.”

“Oooh.”

No wonder so many people wanted to skip doors then. If they succeeded, they basically got to prolong their life for quite a while, without having to worry about any more doors in between. It indeed was high risk, high reward.

Lin Qiushi really wanted to ask what Ruan Nanzhu encountered in his tenth door, but upon recalling how long Ruan Nanzhu’s depression lasted after coming out, felt it might not be quite right to do so.

“If it’s possible, I’d like to enter the tenth door again,” Ruan Nanzhu suddenly spoke.

“What?” Lin Qiushi was a bit shocked. “Why would you want to…”

Ruan Nanzhu watched Lin Qiushi in silence for a while, before saying, “I got the hint to the eleventh door.”

Lin Qiushi still didn’t understand. Wasn’t that a good thing? Why did Ruan Nanzhu still want to take the risk? Could it be that the hint was so difficult that Ruan Nanzhu didn’t even want to risk trying?

“The hint I got was very weird,” Ruan Nanzhu said. “So I want to see if it was a problem with my door, or if it’s a problem with the hint itself.”

“Okay,” Lin Qiushi said. He gave it a bit more thought, and realized his own next door was the tenth. He asked, suspiciously, “is there really a problem with it? You’re not just saying that to keep me company, are you?”

Ruan Nanzhu, “if that’s what I was doing, you think I wouldn’t take credit?”

Indeed. Lin Qiushi laughed again: “that’s true enough.”

Their ninth doors, Lin Qiushi and Cheng Yixie had passed together, which meant that their tenth doors ought to come around the same time. Lin Qiushi’s next door seemed like it would come around the end of next year. He asked, “will Yixie be going in with us?”

Ruan Nanzhu shook his head. “No, he’s not coming with.”

Lin Qiushi was a bit shocked. “Why—”

Ruan Nanzhu, “he’s bringing Qianli through the tenth door.”

“What?” Lin Qiushi froze. He thought he’d heard wrong. “What did you say?”

“He’s bringing Qianli through the tenth door,” Ruan Nanzhu repeated. Lin Qiushi heard it loud and clear this time. “He’s skipping Qianli straight to the eleventh door.”

Lin Qiushi, “…” He thought about the foolish Cheng Qianli, and didn’t know what to say at all.

“I’ve warned him,” Ruan Nanzhu said. “He won’t listen. And I don’t want to bother with this matter any longer.”

Lin Qiushi finally remembered Ruan Nanzhu and Cheng Yixie’s fight. So it’d been about this. He couldn’t understand, however, why Cheng Yixie would make this sort of decision. The tenth door had taken the skin off even Ruan Nanzhu’s back; considering Cheng Qianli’s capabilities, wouldn’t that set them up for more bad than good?

“He doesn’t have very many options,” Ruan Nanzhu said. “He’s afraid of dying first, and leaving Cheng Qianli unprotected.”

Lin Qiushi’s smile went bitter.

Before Li Dongyuan’s death, he didn’t have a very concrete understanding of dying. Then it was Wu Qi, and then Tan Zaozao—incident followed incident, making him truly aware of death as a constant companion that could descend at any moment.

The gift of the doors was not unconditional; they could take back all they gave at any moment.

The dead were gone. The living must go on.

The aftershocks of Tan Zaozao’s death began to die down, and life returned to calm.

Lin Qiushi found the time to visit his hometown. He’d wanted to go by himself at first, but Ruan Nanzhu insisted on accompanying him.

Lin Qiushi had wanted to refuse, but seeing Ruan Nanzhu’s determination, agreed in the end.

It had been five whole years since Lin Qiushi last visited home. The last time he went back was because his grandmother passed. After that, he’d completely lost contact with his family.

Lin Qiushi’s’ parents were divorced. They’d both gone on to make their own families afterwards, so Lin Qiushi became an extraneous person. Neither side sought to see him, and Lin Qiushi too rarely contacted them.

It was autumn when they visited Lin Qiushi’s hometown. Blazing summer had gradually cooled, and the streets were carpeted in yellow leaves. After leaving the airport, Lin Qiushi examined the unfamiliar surroundings, and sighed: “it’s been such a long time since I’ve been back. I’ve completely forgotten what home looks like.”

Ruan Nanzhu didn’t reply, only looked at their surroundings.

“Come on, let’s go visit grandma first.” Lin Qiushi had planned it out before they got here. “Then we’ll go see my mom…” He paused for a bit, then laughed, “though I don’t really remember her address.”

Ruan Nanzhu peered at him. “Want me to look for you?”

Lin Qiushi, “wow, you can find even that?”

Ruan Nanzhu, “with enough money, what can’t you find?”

Lin Qiushi, “I’m the one who brought you here, why are you looking up how to get there?”

Ruan Nanzhu, “who cares about that?”

He said he’d find it, so off he went, dialing a number on his phone and providing some information to whoever’s on the other end. Lin Qiushi stood by, just watching. Though it was kind of embarrassing, he couldn’t deny that Ruan Nanzhu was really, really good-looking. Without much expression, Ruan Nanzhu was still attractive. Even random passersby casually snuck a couple of extra glances.

As if they were peeking at some kind of famous star.

At this thought, Lin Qiushi laughed aloud.

“What are you smiling about?” Hanging up, Ruan Nanzhu just happened to see a teasing smile on Lin Qiushi’s face.

“Nothing,” Lin Qiushi said. “Has anybody ever told you that you’re good-looking?” He reached out a hand, and tapped a fingertip against the upright bridge of Ruan Nanzhu’s nose. “Really good-looking.”

Ruan Nanzhu quirked an eyebrow. “So?” He leaned in close to Lin Qiushi’s face. “Are you saying you like me for my face more?”

Lin Qiushi’s survival instincts detected danger in those words, and he said, “no— No way. Am I such a shallow person? Of course it’s your soul I like!”

Ruan Nanzhu, “oh.”

Lin Qiushi, “…” Scared him to death, damn.

Not long after, Ruan Nanzhu was hearing back. They’d found Lin Qiushi’s mother’s address.

Lin Qiushi said, “let’s go.”

Ruan Nanzhu nodded.

They drove to the address and knocked on the door. Minutes later, the door opened, revealing a middle-age woman. She looked at Lin Qiushi and Ruan Nanzhu with uncertainty in her eyes. “You two are…?”

Lin Qiushi said, “hi mom.”

The woman startled. Then, after a moment, “you're… Qiushi?”

Lin Qiushi nodded. “Yeah.” He explained, “I came back to see grandma, and thought I’d drop by.”

“Oh…” The woman said. “Then come in. Have a seat.” The way she looked at Lin Qiushi was completely unfamiliar, like she’d utterly forgotten she still had a son like this—little wonder. After his parents’ divorce, Lin Qiushi never lived with his mom again, and hadn’t maintained any kind of relationship with them in the past years.

Ruan Nanzhu had long been curious how Lin Qiushi’s personality got to be the way it was. Now, having met his mother, a large part of that curiosity was finally sated.

Mama Lin politely poured them tea. From the doorway of the bedroom, a girl poked her head out, calling, “mom, who’s that?”

“This is your brother, Lin Qiushi,” Mama Lin introduced a bit awkwardly. “He came to see your mother.”

The girl had at least heard of this brother with whom she shared a mother. She’d just never met him before. “Oh… I see.”

“Run along and study now,” Mama Lin said. “It’s nearly midterms after all…” She tutted for a bit longer, before remembering she had guests, and hurriedly changing the topic.

Though they were mother and son, they behaved more politely toward each other than they would toward strangers.

After sitting for a while and finishing his tea, Lin Qiushi got up to leave, turning down Mama Lin’s invitation to lunch.

Ruan Nanzhu barely spoke the entire time. With his general aura and impassivity, Mama Lin had been too intimidated to speak with him.

After coming out, he finally asked, “should we go see your father?”

Lin Qiushi said, “no need.” There wasn’t really grief in his expression, more exasperation. “It seems I really don’t need to worry about this place in the future.” They were all doing fine for themselves; they had no need for the extraneous son.

Ruan Nanzhu reached out and took Lin Qiushi’s hand, softly scratching at his palm. “There’s no helping it then…”

Lin Qiushi, “hm?”

Ruan Nanzhu, “I’ll do it. I’ll be your daddy.”

Lin Qiushi, “…” Ruan Nanzhu, could you not say such dastardly things with that straight a face?

Seeing Lin Qiushi’s expression, a laugh came to Ruan Nanzhu’s eyes. “How come you’re so cute, huh?”

Lin Qiushi thought you really are getting bad. You used to be so serious outside the doors, how come you’re becoming like this now?

The day was getting dark at this point. The two found a roadside shop and ordered some food. Ruan Nanzhu was going to ban Lin Qiushi from drinking, but Lin Qiushi expressed that he was strong as an ox now—not only could he drink, but he could also drink Ruan Nanzhu under the fucking table.

Ruan Nanzhu’s lips twitched. “You can drink so much?”

Lin Qiushi could actually drink a pretty normal amount, but he was a man, alright? There was reputation at play here. So he stubbornly replied: “Yeah. I can drink a lot.”

“Then bring it,” Ruan Nanzhu said. “Let’s see who actually goes under first.”

So he had the owner bring them a whole case of beers, and the two began to eat and drink.

Such moments were simply too lovely: the weather was perfect, the sun had just settled on the horizon line, and the wind was cool. If they looked, right above their heads hung a display of clouds scorched red. The chatter around them wasn’t noisy, instead injected the scene with a sense of life.

Lin Qiushi recalled a piece of wisdom he’d heard.

Between birth and death, what matter isn’t idle?

At this, he couldn’t help but grin, staring at Ruan Nanzhu.

Ruan Nanzhu didn’t know the reason for the smile. He had just started to chew on a piece of fresh-grilled meat—but because the meat was lightly spiced, his lips had gone red. He looked delicious, and so Lin Qiushi’s smile grew as he called, “Ruan Nanzhu ah.”

Ruan Nanzhu glanced up, and hummed.

Lin Qiushi, “do you know…”

Ruan Nanzhu lifted an eyebrow.

Lin Qiushi lowered his voice: “how delicious you look right now?”

Ruan Nanzhu set down the cup in his hand. He now knew that Lin Qiushi’s claim to be a good drinker was a lie, because he didn’t believe there was any way that, when sober, Lin Qiushi dared to say a thing like that.

Author’s Note:

Is it because there was a door in between the reality segments? I actually laid out a lot of emotional ground work in the last reality segment. /head rub (Let’s take care of reality first, we’re going back in next chapter~)

• Chapter title’s double meaning is sexy isn’t it
• Shout out to Xiao Xingchen. No it wasn’t 明月清風 specifically but. Y’know?