Just A Friend

#30

When the footsteps could no longer be heard, Nam Seonwoo raised his upper body. Roughly brushing off the grass stuck to the back of his head, he looked in the direction where Kang Jihan had disappeared and saw his distant figure.

‘Who would have thought I’d end up on a drive to the Han River with Kang Jihan?’

The Kang Jihan from his previous life strongly disliked when Seonwoo drove. He even made an extra key, telling Seonwoo to drive his car instead, but Seonwoo personally disliked Jihan’s car, which looked as boxy as a truck. It didn’t suit the commute.

He remembered the cold war that ensued for a while when Jihan discovered he wasn’t carrying the car key he had given him. Recalling that stubborn face, Seonwoo suddenly smiled. That guy and this guy were the same in their stubbornness.

At the sound of vibration, Seonwoo’s eyes turned to the ground. Jihan’s phone was a smartphone, rare at that time. The message from his mother that popped up on the screen was full of love even from the first sentence. Seonwoo stared at the screen for a moment before reaching for the phone.

He didn’t have a habit of peeking at other people’s messages. It was just, truly, out of simple curiosity. For instance, how Jihan had saved his contact.

[Nam Seonwoo]

It was a plain save name, almost bland. Perhaps because it was too bland, his fingers moved on their own. On a phone with only basic apps installed, the only thing that caught his eye was the memo app.

What would Jihan write in his memos? Curious, he tapped on the yellow memo pad.

There weren’t many memos. There was a collection of English words that seemed difficult to memorize, the study roadmap Seonwoo had once made for Jihan in the annex, and what looked like a recipe for tuna rice balls. Seeing these surprisingly innocent memos made him feel like trash for peeking.

But among these innocent memos, there was one that stood out.

[How to look like an older person]

The few actions listed below seemed to have been scraped from somewhere.

Seonwoo hastily turned off the screen and pushed the phone far away. Then he flopped back down on the ground as if nothing had happened.

“…”

The blue sky that had given him many impressions until just now no longer caught his eye. Staring blankly into space, Seonwoo closed his eyes as if to block out the unnecessary thoughts that kept coming.

Maybe it was because he ate that lump of salt earlier, but his mouth felt parched.

*

*

His skin felt like it would crack in the dry air. Opening his eyelids with difficulty due to an unknown pain, he saw a blindingly white ceiling.

He blinked slowly at the inexplicable sense of déjà vu.

Drip, drip, drip. The rhythmic sound of water drops still filled the silent space.

He felt like he had lost his sense of time. It felt like floating detached from reality, or like peering into memories hidden beneath his unconscious.

As he barely managed to lower his gaze, color finally appeared in the previously all-white world. The objects placed by the window were so colorful they felt out of place. A fruit basket, a vase, a picture frame… They all seemed so mismatched with this dry space that it felt like peeking at someone else’s belongings.

His hair swayed in the warm breeze. The hair tickling his skin felt as soft as if he had just washed it.

It was strange. He couldn’t move his body, yet why did he feel so clean, as if he had just bathed?

That’s when it happened.

A sudden noise disrupted the space that seemed frozen in time.

Was it the sound of a chair falling? It seemed like someone had hastily gotten up. It sounded like it came from the head of the bed, but he couldn’t turn his head. However, he could vividly feel the air stirring in the previously still atmosphere.

With that breeze, a hand firmly grasped his. It was such a strong grip that all his tactile senses focused there. The warmth of the palm covering the back of his hand felt unfamiliar. For some reason, he wanted to shake it off. But the dry fingers kept caressing the back of his hand. As if frustrated that this was all they could do, desperately.

“…, …”

Some sound buzzed in his ears. It seemed like he could hear voices, but whether his ears had gone deaf from the earlier noise or not, it just reverberated as an unpleasant jumble of noise.

He suddenly felt exhausted. But the moment a blurry figure appeared at the edge of his vision, a revulsion bloomed like mold throughout his body.

I don’t want to show this. Such a thought seemed to have crossed his mind unconsciously. His eyes closed as if to erase the presence before him.

Then, a loneliness of unfathomable depth surged up. He didn’t want to stay here even for a second.

The sensations throughout his body shut down one by one, like circuit breakers being flipped. The alien space and the familiar figure, the monotonous machine beep amidst the buzzing noise, the hot waves touching his skin, and… the two hands desperately clasped together as if in prayer.

With that dry warmth as the last sensation, the world turned dark again.

He felt like a speck of dust floating in space. Riding on that sensation, it seemed like quite a long time had passed.

…A long time?

When was that just now?

*

*

Something tickled the back of his hand.

What slid along the protruding bones on the back of his hand repeatedly grasped and released each finger that extended below. Unlike the rough and dry touch from earlier, this was a ticklish sensation.

When he opened his eyes, the sky was still blue. Feeling a bit dazed, Nam Seonwoo blankly watched the clouds move. It felt like he had had a very vivid dream, but the sensations from this place felt more real, giving him an inexplicable sense of relief.

When he turned his head, he saw Kang Jihan sitting there. He was resting his arm on his knee, fiddling with someone else’s hand.

“…What are you doing?”

“It looked like you were having a nightmare.”

The black gaze that had been lingering on his hand turned towards him. Jihan let go of the hand he had been holding and said,

“When I do this for my younger brother, it usually helps a bit.”

“…”

The much younger brother that Jihan cherished. But there were no traces of a child’s life anywhere in Jihan’s house.

Before, Seonwoo had just assumed they lived apart due to reasons like studying abroad or divorce. He thought it was polite not to ask about such a sensitive topic. Because of that misguided consideration, he only now understood who that brother was.

The “real” family of the minister who appeared on TV programs. And the late-born son who was loved within it. Unlike the numerous spotlights that poured onto that child, Seonwoo imagined Jihan growing up like an achromatic color in the shadows, and felt a surge of anger and disgust towards the minister.

But it was all temporary. What lingered long after the quickly exhausted emotions was a numbness tinged with pain. Especially when he thought of Jihan, who simply adored and cherished the child who had taken the love that should have been his. His throat trembled slightly, swallowing many words.

“You’re not asking if I have a sibling.”

Normally, that’s what he would have done. Knowing he would have just passed it off thinking, ‘Oh, he must have a sibling living apart,’ Seonwoo gave an answer that somehow felt like an excuse.

“I wasn’t sure if I should ask.”

“But you’re curious, aren’t you?”

Jihan smiled, squinting one eye. Perhaps because he had unintentionally caught a glimpse of Jihan’s family situation, that face didn’t look purely like a smiling face. Instead of responding lightly as usual, Seonwoo kept his mouth shut. Then, unlike in his previous life, he asked a question.

“Why did you work part-time?”

It was a question he hadn’t gotten an answer to on that day they were trapped in the annex.

Seonwoo had his own rule. If someone showed signs of avoiding an answer when asked once, he wouldn’t pry further. It was his own form of consideration. Assuming there must be a reason they didn’t want to talk about it, he never brought up any related topics again.

“Why do you want to go into a high-paying major?”

But now was different. He felt like he should ask, and maybe it was his imagination, but it seemed like Jihan wanted to be asked.

Jihan fiddled with a bag that looked like it was from a convenience store. It contained familiar ice cream and peach-shaped jellies. Touching the ice cream wrapper that had already melted, Jihan began to speak.

The family situation of Jihan that he heard through his mouth was as he had guessed.

The minister didn’t spare any economic support for the woman raising his illegitimate child. But it wasn’t for the son’s sake, it was for the minister himself. Jihan said he realized it was “hush money” disguised as child support when he understood that his biological father never once came to see his mother.

“So if I use the money he sends…”

Jihan paused for a moment. Even without hearing it, Seonwoo could guess what the unfinished sentence meant.

It would feel like everything was crumbling. Self-esteem, the standard of right and wrong wondering if this was really for his mother’s benefit, everything.

A position that not only provided economic power but could also gain social status. That was why Jihan chose to become a doctor. He strived so that his mother wouldn’t have to depend on his father’s economic power, and so that they wouldn’t be looked down upon.

After the story ended, a brief silence filled the space between them. Seonwoo struggled not to hold Jihan’s hand. Pressing his fingertips hard against his innocent palm, Seonwoo asked.

“You said you quit your part-time job. What are you doing now?”

He felt bad for nagging him to study without knowing his circumstances. But Jihan smiled slightly with a face that seemed unbothered.

“I’ve saved up quite a bit.”

“How much could a high school student save?”

He suddenly remembered what Park Gyuhyeon had said at a drinking party. Why did that drunken complaint, saying that Seonwoo’s consideration resembled indifference, come to mind now? And as if in response, Jihan’s words asking “Aren’t you curious?” kept circling in his mind like sand that had gotten into his shoe.

So Seonwoo decided to throw off that so-called consideration for the first time.