Is That My Alter Ego

18 – Illusion

“Hmmph.”

Today, as well, I sit perched on a cliff by the sea under a shower of stars, quietly reading a book and admiring the scenery.

Has it been four days already?

Four days ago, I went on a dungeon exploration with mercenaries like Hans and Biron.

Since it was an unknown dungeon, I was certainly cautious… but with recent successful missions, I unknowingly became careless.

“Well, the outcome is me coming back like this.”

It’s already been four days, and I couldn’t return to my original body. I don’t even know if my doppelganger is dead or alive.

Vaguely, I felt like it’s alive. Literally, it seemed to be just ‘alive.’

It felt like it wouldn’t be strange if I died right now; there was only a faint energy felt.

“What got me was probably… a Vulture Spider.”

As soon as an arrow with purple poison hit me, I lost consciousness as if someone turned off the power.

Probably, if I gather the information I’ve been reading in this demon encyclopedia for a week, it’s likely… the venom of a Vulture Spider.

It makes sense; even though my doppelganger doesn’t have the talent of a Ceris, it surpassed four stars in potential.

Even though the body was ordinary like that of an average person, it became an object of admiration for mercenaries… and such a body went to the brink of death in just one shot.

“As a top-tier demon of 4 stars… hasn’t been discovered in the last 5 years…”

Furthermore, the poison of the Vulture Spider, according to the book, is so potent that it can kill even veteran mercenaries with just a few drops…. is what is written.

“Ah, just unlucky…”

Although it seemed very small and unremarkable at first glance, the dungeon must have hidden such blades.

Since there was no other way, I sighed and gazed only at the distant stars.

“By the way, where is the location of the Trea Village?”

Since I still didn’t know the geography of the imperial territory well, I couldn’t determine the location of the Trea Village where I was.

Being on the coast, and being such a peaceful and beautiful village… for some reason, people didn’t seem to be visible.

Sigh…

“Uh. It’s getting quite chilly now. I should go to the library before heading home.”

The summer, which had been hot all day, seems to have passed, and now autumn is upon us. Feeling the chill in the air, I adjusted my clothes and headed to the library.

Ding-

“…………..”

Nodding slightly to the librarian, who once again wore an expressionless face like a robot, I handed over the already-read encyclopedia.

“………..”

Tap, tap.

“Hello… How are you…”

After returning the book and scanning through others, I didn’t see any book that I particularly wanted to read, so I greeted with a weary smile and immediately returned home.

Today, it feels like the librarian is staring at me more than usual.

Well, it could be possible.

“Sigh… Oops!”

While leaving the library and heading home, a sudden drowsiness overwhelmed me. This fatigue… it feels like when the doppelgänger wakes up?!

“You finally woke up! By the way… you managed to survive somehow?”

I thought the doppelgänger would die just like that. But it seems like it survived.

Well, it’s better this way for me! Should I go back to being a doppelgänger now?

“Sigh…”

As soon as I got home, I lay on the soft bed and didn’t resist the temptation of sleep.

It’s already the fifth day. It’s been five days since the director lost consciousness.

“…………”

There is no hope left, no will. The tears that seemed to pour endlessly have dried up, and I can only stare into empty space with hollow eyes.

Why is it that even a small glimmer of light is not allowed for me?

Why is it that even the tiniest flicker of hope that comes to me is mercilessly snatched away?

Do I not deserve happiness? Am I not allowed to be happy?

Just the small everyday moments with the director. That was happiness for me, my whole life.

“…….”

As the price for five days and nights of shouting, my voice was completely exhausted, and even a small sound couldn’t escape my throat.

I just quietly gaze at the diminishing little light.

A shudder.

Again. The delusion that the director is moving starts to appear again. About three days after the director collapsed, a completely healthy-looking director appeared before my eyes.

At that moment… I was so happy, thinking that the director had come back. It felt like my heart was filling up with a warm light, and my mood was at its peak.

That day, as soon as I saw the director wake up, I ran to the therapist and told them about the situation. The therapist was surprised and came back with me to the sickbed.

I can still remember the therapist’s expression at that moment. A mixture of surprise and despair, and a face filled with sadness and sympathy.

Realizing that something was wrong, I called out the director’s name and looked around the sickbed, but all I could see was the dying light, disappearing like an illusion.

My heart, which had soared to the sky with anticipation and hope, crashed down to the ground.

The little hope that had barely held together shattered into pieces once again.

The higher you climb, the harder and more painful it is to fall.

Since that day, I have been plagued by hallucinations and auditory hallucinations relentlessly.

The sound of Commander calling my name. The sight of Commander rising. Small gestures…

I knew all of it was fake, yet with a glimmer of hope, I blinked my eyes, only to find that when I gathered my wits and looked around, despair returned once again.

Flutter… Flutter.

This time, it seems the hallucination of Commander moving his fingers and body slightly can be seen.

Now… as if having given up on everything, I simply stared blankly without focus.

“Seris… Commander… Jang?”

“……”

The Commander’s voice, more closed off than usual, reaches my ears, and I see the Commander’s puzzled expression.

Ha. Am I going mad now too? As time passes… the sense of reality overflows.

“Now, I… I don’t know anymore.”

With only the desire to live within the fantasy, having given up on everything.

Even if it’s just a fantasy, I can see Commander’s magnificent figure… I can see my light by my side again.

“Cough… Cough. Seris Commander… Can’t you hear me?”

“…..Ha.. Ha..”

Please stop. Don’t mock me… don’t make me have expectations again.

“Even if it’s a fantasy… it’s fine…”

“Seris Commander?”

Just… leave me alone. I don’t want to live in this disgusting and dirty world anymore.

In my hard-earned paradise… don’t cast me out.

Thump-

“This time… it feels so real… hahahaha…”

The commander’s large hand grips my arm. Among all the illusions I’ve seen, this one feels the most real.

If I die now… I could live forever in this illusion, never realizing it’s just that.

‘…Let’s die. Yes…’

A life without the commander is no longer necessary. Without a light to guide me, it’s impossible to find a direction on this dark path.

Swoosh-

I quickly draw the small sword hanging at my waist, close my eyes, and charge it towards my own throat.

…I’ll follow you soon, commander…

Thud-!

“What are you doing now!”

“…..Huh?”

Just as I was about to give up everything and end my life, the commander in the illusion grabbed my arm.

This shouldn’t be possible…? No matter how real it feels, it can’t physically affect me, right?

“Seris Vice-Commander! Snap out of it…! Why are you suddenly trying to harm yourself!”

“….Com…mander..?”

“Yes, it’s me! Benice, the leader of the Ska Mercenaries!”

“No… it’s not…”

Don’t lie. I won’t be fooled anymore. Have I finally lost my mind? Why do I perceive the commander before me… as real?

“Why… an illusion…”

“It’s not an illusion, Seris Vice-Commander! This is the stark reality, and I am real!”

“Ah… Ah…?”

The Director’s expression seemed angry, and as I reached out with my hand, I felt a solid body.

And a warmth that seemed to fill everything about me.

“Director…?”

“…It’s me. Vice Director Ceris. I’m sorry for making you wait so long.”

“Ah… aaahhh…!!!”

I immediately embraced the Director, holding him tightly as if his body would break. Once again, I felt the realistic sensation.

The Director has returned? It’s not a fantasy, is it? Can I really… believe it now?

“You’ve suffered a lot because of me, Vice Director Ceris…”

“Ah… aaahhh…!!!”

With the same expression as always, I received his warm pat on the back, and Ceris couldn’t hold back anymore. He couldn’t even speak properly, only making sounds.

“Director… DirectorDirectorDirectorDirector…!!”

“It’s me. Vice Director Ceris.”

“Is it really… not a fantasy…? Can I… believe it…?”

“That’s right. I’m not a fantasy, this is a definite reality.”

I thought that my tears had dried up and wouldn’t flow anymore, but what is this liquid flowing crazily down my cheeks?

Without even being able to think properly, I hugged the Director tightly, shedding tears.

I will never forget the warmth of the one who saved my life, whom I love the most.

How can I forget? You have already become everything to me, even more.

“Huuaaahhh…!”

In the warm embrace, feeling the warmth, and the gentle comfort on my back, I let out a scream until my throat ached.

***

“………”

Exhausted from crying, Seris was seen snuggling into my arms, seeking peaceful sleep.

How long has it been since she had a proper rest? Dark circles clung heavily beneath Seris’s flawless face, accentuating the signs of fatigue.

‘Could it be since the day I collapsed…?’

I feel too sorry. It wasn’t necessary for her to go through all this because of me.

“………Thank you.”

“……Heh…”

As I gently stroked Seris’s head, fallen against my chest, she gave a faint smile.

Memories from the past come flooding back.

“………What’s happening… huh..!”

“Well, hello.”

“H-How…!”

Perhaps hearing Seris’s scream, a familiar healer rushed into the room in haste.

Upon seeing my face, the healer was shocked as if they had seen a ghost.

Afterwards, I listened to the healer’s explanation.

My survival was truly a miracle bestowed by the heavens. Among the many veteran mercenaries, surviving the venom of the Vulture Spider was an extremely rare occurrence.

“Due to the poison, your physical abilities seem to have decreased… and perhaps your senses will become dull in the future.”

“…Well, that’s fine.”

“Rest well then.”

The therapist, who had been questioning me for a while, informed me that I had become sluggish in many aspects due to the influence of the poison.

Sensory perception, taste, hearing, touch… all the senses and feelings that a human can experience.

“I’ve been feeling strange for a while now.”

The soft bed and blanket didn’t feel as comfortable, and most of all, my body seemed to have dulled overall.

Well… I should be grateful for being alive.

I gazed at the cool autumn breeze coming through the open window and the dance of falling leaves.

Quietly, like staring at the starlight from a coastal cliff.