I’m Not That Obsessive

Chapter 4

Breaking into the neighbor’s house had some results. Mitchell didn’t throw any more parties after that. Though people occasionally visited, the days passed quietly without much commotion.

I deliberately erased the existence of ‘that’ video from my mind. The more I thought about it, the more infuriated I became. As a result, I reached a point of mental gymnastics where I convinced myself it never happened.

In kinder terms, I chose to trust Mitchell. Since I had no intention of spreading Mitchell’s secret, my nude video wouldn’t see the light of day either.

So, I didn’t record a video. Yes, I didn’t record anything. There’s nothing…

…But why do I feel like crying?

***

When December arrived, Christmas decorations appeared on the exterior of Mitchell’s house. Though not quite parties, quite a few people came and went. It was occasionally noisy, but tolerable. If he had been like this from the start, I wouldn’t have visited the neighbor’s house.

As much as I hate to admit it, I felt a bit proud to share a secret with Mitchell Cronenwirth. If I had continued my entertainment career in Korea, I might have boasted about my connection with Mitchell.

‘I know Mitchell. I’m acquainted with the world’s most famous actor,’ I would have bragged.

But I’m not in that position anymore.

No interviews come in, and no media outlets seek me out. There probably aren’t any at all. In fact, I haven’t kept up with Korean news for a long time, so I don’t know the details. I just vaguely assumed that’s how it would be.

But I had no intention of finding out. I deliberately ignored it, fearing that if I accidentally saw any negative articles about me, it might shake my resolve.

Despite Mitchell having his secret exposed to me – one that could grace the front pages of tabloids and various social media – he continued on without any issues.

News of him starting another film came out, and he consistently appeared at year-end events. With the blockbuster movie from earlier this year sweeping awards, it was impossible not to know about Mitchell’s recent activities.

Mitchell’s ever-increasing success was completely different from my situation. While I had risen to the sky only to crash to the ground, Mitchell seemed poised to break through not just the sky, but space itself. Not all lives follow the same path.

Like last year, I was spending this Christmas alone too. Curious about the only neighborhood acquaintance’s schedule, I quietly came out to the yard, but Mitchell didn’t seem to be home.

All the lights inside were off, with only the Christmas lights blinking on a timer.

Being Christmas, he’s probably busy with award ceremonies or events. I used to be like that too. I remember always heading home around dawn during year-end or new year periods.

I sprawled out on the lawn, blankly staring at the twinkling lights in the distance. Given the day, the lights were more varied and numerous than usual…

The night view was stunningly beautiful, but I was alone, lying in the yard, a step removed from it all.

I came here voluntarily, but am I already homesick? I was about to feel unnecessarily depressed.

With no other choice, I went inside and brought out two bottles of soju. I intended to pass this stubbornly slow time with the help of alcohol.

I drank straight from the bottle without any side dishes. After half a bottle, songs came out naturally. Fitting for the day, Christmas carols.

After finishing one song, I downed the rest of the soju. Two bottles of straight soju on an empty stomach without any side dishes were potent, but thanks to that, some of the nagging thoughts disappeared.

The lights in front of me began to blur, and even though I was still, the stars in the sky seemed to spin. I like stars. But I like stationary stars. This random movement is a bit…

“You’re a terrible singer.”

Someone’s voice settled in my ear like an auditory hallucination. When I turned my head back, Mitchell was standing there. Was this a hallucination following the auditory one?

“Ah…”

Thanks to the soft terrace fluorescent light illuminating the yard and the Christmas lights from Mitchell’s house, his face was clearly visible. Mitchell, with his forehead exposed by his swept-up bangs and wearing what looked like an expensive black suit, was leaning against the fence with both arms resting on it.

Is it really you?

“Mitchell Cronenwirth. Congratulations.”

With the help of alcohol, I managed to say something. I wanted to at least congratulate him on sweeping up Best Actor awards.

Despite my sky-high popularity, I was never lucky with awards and never received a Best Actor award. I had received New Actor, Best Supporting Actor, and Popularity awards, but the Best Actor trophy that every actor covets had never been mine.

Although mixed with jealousy, I still offered sincere congratulations. And thinking that a congratulatory song shouldn’t be missing from the congratulations, I ended up doing something ridiculous.

“Congratulationsss…”

Where did the courage to sing such a tuneless and slurred song come from? It was the alcohol, of course. Drunk and singing, I didn’t even realize what I was doing.

“You’ve lost your mind. Completely.”

Hearing the sharp feedback, I finally struggled to get up. In the process, my weakened legs buckled, and I ended up falling on my backside. I was in quite a state in front of the Hollywood star.

“Hey! Delete my video.”

I walked towards him, blurting out what I had been holding back all this time. Though I staggered, I didn’t fall this time. Holding onto the fence, I thrust my face close to Mitchell’s.

“I said, delete my video.”

“You delete yours too. Erase everything you saw that day from your mind. Get amnesia or something. Or go die somewhere. Then I’ll delete your video too.”

“Why can’t you trust people? I said I won’t tell anyone.”

“Same here. I don’t show it to anyone. Though I do watch it sometimes when I’m bored.”

“W-What? Why do you watch it?”

I blinked my heavy eyes. Drunk as I was, I reached out and grabbed Mitchell’s face, shaking it by the chin and cheeks. Even as I saw his eyes narrow and sharpen, I didn’t remove my impudent hands.

That is, until Mitchell took one of my fingers into his mouth. He actually ate my finger.

Slow to grasp the situation due to the alcohol, I belatedly opened my eyes wide and stuttered. By then, Mitchell was already sucking on my pinky finger.

“Ah!”

I pulled my finger out of his mouth and stepped back. Korean curses flowed out: “You crazy bastard, you son of a…”

Mitchell raised an eyebrow as if he couldn’t understand what I was saying. Then he started interpreting it as he pleased.

“You want me to suck lower too? Want to strip? Shall we do it here?”

How did my short curse turn into such words? Thinking about it, it wasn’t a difficult problem. He was teasing me.

“Get lost! Just try throwing a noisy party! I’ll spray everything with a fire extinguisher!”

With that childish and ridiculous threat of spraying with a fire extinguisher instead of a gun, I turned around. I returned home and slammed the front door. In the mirror at the entrance stood a Korean man with a face flushed red. This wasn’t because of the alcohol, but from embarrassment. Real embarrassment.

Mitchell Cronenwirth had a knack for making people feel embarrassed and ashamed.

***

The depressing year-end passed, and a dispiriting new year arrived. I could understand why statistics show more people taking their lives in spring than in winter.

While the season when everything begins is always full of vitality, it’s different for those who feel disillusioned with a life that doesn’t change unlike others. Rather, it might be the perfect time to let go of everything and give up on life.

I felt the same way.

On a day when fluffy cotton candy clouds float in the blue sky and bright sunlight settles on the ground, a perfect day for a date, an ideal time for an outing, a moment when you want to be with the people you like.

“Ah, damn. I feel gloomy.”

Grumbling, I left the house. It had been a while since I’d gone out. If I stayed cooped up in that stuffy house any longer, I might end up in the newspapers as a lonely Korean youth who died alone. Even though I had no one to meet and nothing to do, I still went out.

Passing by Mitchell’s quiet house, I walked down the hill. At the end of the gentle slope was an iron gate installed to keep everyone out. I opened the small side door meant for people to pass through.

After walking for quite some time, I reached the downtown area. I sat in a cafe, ordered a drink, and basked in the sunlight. Milky Way, a cafe whose name means galaxy, was a place I frequented because it was close to our house and the staff were friendly.

Trying to escape my gloomy mood even a little, I took off the sunglasses I had been wearing. As I closed my eyes and looked up at the sky, I heard a familiar language.

“Isn’t that him?”

It was Korean.