I'm not going to be an Spirit! (Translate)

Chapter 37: The First Battle Plan of the Kurumi Council

"Yes! Finally, I got it!"

After summoning more than a hundred clones, Tokisaki Kurumi had finally summoned the one she wanted. This put her in a much better mood. "One of the Four Heavenly Kings is finally summoned. I knew my luck wasn't that bad."

"It's clearly my luck that's good," Clone 66 protested.

"You're my clone, so your luck is my luck," Tokisaki Kurumi replied. "Well, even though I've used up all the time I gathered last night, I can replenish it tonight. The important thing is that the first step of infiltrating the Armed Detective Agency is complete."

Before she began summoning clones, Kurumi had been somewhat anxious. Although she knew of the existence of the Four Heavenly Kings, she wasn't sure how likely she was to summon them.

If she couldn't summon one of the Four Heavenly Kings, her plans to join the Armed Detective Agency and the Special Ability Division would be hard to execute. In that case, she would have to resort to sending an ordinary clone, but that would greatly reduce the plan's success rate.

After all, the people in the Armed Detective Agency and the Special Ability Division weren't blind; they could easily spot an ordinary clone that looked identical to the original.

Moreover, Kurumi didn't have unlimited attempts. If a clone's infiltration was discovered, the chance for a perfect completion of the side mission would be lost.

That's why summoning one of the Four Heavenly Kings was so crucial.

Tokisaki Kurumi placed a hand on Bandaged Kurumi's shoulder, speaking solemnly: "Bandaged Kurumi, I entrust this important mission to you. Don't let me down."

Looking dead inside, Bandaged Kurumi raised her lifeless gaze, saying nothing. She was crushed.

How had it come to this? After so many clones had been summoned as ordinary versions, why was she chosen as one of the Four Heavenly Kings? Her luck was just terrible.

Shrouded in a grey aura of despair, it seemed like small transparent spirits were floating from her mouth as she slumped in defeat.

Seeing her dejected state, the other clones gathered around to console her.

Sharing a common consciousness, they didn't think Bandaged Kurumi was being overly dramatic. In fact, they fully understood why she'd be depressed. After all, having to pretend to be an edgy, over-the-top character despite being a perfectly normal person was enough to make anyone gloomy.

One clone encouraged, "Hey, Bandaged Kurumi isn't that bad. At least you're not Loli Kurumi!"

"We all went through our chuunibyou (middle-school syndrome) phase. Now that we're Tokisaki Kurumi, being a bit of a chuunibyou is nothing."

"Look on the bright side. As Bandaged Kurumi, you're a significant supporting character with a lot of scenes!"

The others continued offering words of encouragement.

After a while, the defeated Bandaged Kurumi finally came to terms with her fate. She still looked glum, but at least she was now able to communicate.

"If I don't enter hell, who will?" Bandaged Kurumi sighed.

Since she had become Bandaged Kurumi, this was now her inescapable destiny.

Determined to complete the side mission, she steeled herself. "So what if it's chuunibyou? I'll just act the part!"

She closed her eyes resolutely, like a warrior preparing for battle. Gathering her emotions, she drew upon the spirits of various legendary chuunibyous like Rikka Takanashi, Kuroneko, and Kobato Hasegawa. In that moment of deep breathing, her entire aura changed.

Bandaged Kurumi opened her eyes, striking a dramatic pose typical of a chuunibyou. The previously dead fish-like gaze now shone with hope, peace, and love.

The gloomy aura disappeared in an instant, and she seemed to radiate a bright light.

"Ta-dah! Magical Girl Kurumi-chan, ☆sparkling debut☆!"

There was no resistance, no awkwardness, and no hesitation.

She was a natural!

What an incredible performance! It was as if she had killed her own ego!

The clones couldn't help but clap and cheer, marveling at how far her acting skills had reached.

"You did great! You really nailed it!"

"It's like you're the real Bandaged Kurumi. No, you are the real Bandaged Kurumi!"

"When we get back, we're definitely winning an Oscar."

Seeing Bandaged Kurumi seamlessly slip into her role, the original Tokisaki Kurumi let out a sigh of relief. She'd feared that after all the effort, Bandaged Kurumi would spend her life as a recluse in the shadow dimension. If that had happened, her chance at a perfect completion of Side Mission One would have gone up in smoke.

Luckily, things had turned out well, confirming that her willpower was indeed strong.

"Now that we have someone to join the Armed Detective Agency, the next question is how to actually join," Tokisaki Kurumi noted as the other clones were still celebrating the arrival of one of the Four Heavenly Kings.

"Let's not forget," she continued, "that Dazai Osamu and Edogawa Ranpo are in the Armed Detective Agency. Gaining their trust won't be easy."

Hearing this, the clones gradually quieted down. They exchanged glances, and for a moment, none of them spoke.

If the original could think of this problem, so could the clones. But in their joy over not becoming one of the Four Heavenly Kings, they'd nearly forgotten this far tougher issue.

How to infiltrate the Armed Detective Agency?

Leaving aside the rest of the members, the intellectual powers of Dazai Osamu and Edogawa Ranpo posed a real obstacle.

"Right now, they don't understand our situation fully. We need to approach them quickly while we still have the advantage."

"Agreed. The longer we wait, the more it'll work against us."

"But how should we approach them? And how do we get them to accept Bandaged Kurumi?"

"And at some point, they'll realize Tokisaki Kurumi has clone abilities. It's possible they'll deduce that Bandaged Kurumi is a clone too."

"In other words, we not only have to come up with a plan to get the Armed Detective Agency to accept Bandaged Kurumi, but we also need a plan to keep them from turning hostile toward her even if they find out she's a clone?"

"This is so hard..."

The clones started discussing their plan of action.

Joining the Armed Detective Agency was clearly no easy feat. It would be a long-term mission, and even after joining, they'd need to ensure Bandaged Kurumi's identity stayed hidden. Even if it was exposed, they'd have to ensure the Agency wouldn't act against her.

"The Armed Detective Agency is a just organization with abilities. We might be able to use that to our advantage."

As the others discussed, Tokisaki Kurumi spoke up, drawing their attention.

"Perhaps, we could try this..."

Chapter 38: The Everyday Life of the Armed Detective Agency

Three days later.

It was noon at Yokohama's Inner Port. As a coastal city, Yokohama extended the sea inland by constructing several main river channels through urban areas. At that moment, the calm river waters rippled with splashes as someone swam frantically towards the shore.

Upon closer look, it was a young man, dog paddling with one hand while clutching an unconscious man in the other, struggling against the current as he made his way to solid ground. After what felt like an eternity, he finally reached the shore, hauling both himself and the man to safety.

"Hah... hah... hah..." The swimmer a young man around twenty years old gasped heavily, exhausted. The short distance from the center of the river to the shore had been no easy feat, especially considering he was towing an unconscious person along with him. Soaked from head to toe, his hair and clothes dripping, he lay back on the grass, completely spent.

Once he caught his breath, he glanced over at the still, closed-eyed man beside him, and with great effort, crawled over to start compressing the man's chest.

"Cough... cough... cough!" The man suddenly came to life, sputtering and hacking as he expelled the water from his lungs, his coughing so violent it seemed he might hack up a lung. Eventually, he calmed down and looked around, somewhat dazed, at the familiar Yokohama scenery.

"So, I failed to die this time too, huh?" he remarked with a sigh.

"What do you mean, 'failed to die again,' Dazai-san!" the young man, suddenly energized, exclaimed. "Shouldn't you be thanking me for saving you? Do you realize how much effort it took to drag you to shore?"

"I never asked you to save me, did I, Atsushi?" Dazai replied nonchalantly.

"When a senior from the detective agency jumps into a river, of course I have to save him!"

"I was just doing something I enjoy, and you interrupted me," Dazai said, frowning.

"How can you call suicide a hobby?" Atsushi asked, bewildered.

"You have no right to judge my hobbies!" Dazai snapped back.

"Well, if you're so insistent on doing it, at least wait until after work and find somewhere private! Don't jump into the river in the middle of a job, yelling 'Ah, what a beautiful river!' and then proceed to drown yourself!"

The two waterlogged men bickered back and forth on the grass, disregarding any semblance of dignity. To onlookers, it might have seemed like they were arguing over something of great importance.

After all, both were key members of the Armed Detective Agency: Dazai Osamu and Nakajima Atsushi.

Though Atsushi was still a rookie, having been with the agency for less than a month and never completing a case on his own, Dazai was infamous throughout Yokohama. If infamous reputations counted, that is.

Dazai Osamu—known for his obsessive fascination with suicide, attempting it at any time, place, or occasion. His antics were infamous enough that clients frequently filed complaints about his behavior during cases.

["Dazai-san tried to hang himself using the rope that was used to strangle the victim and asked me to kick the stool out from under him."]

["Your detective has been attempting suicide for five minutes now. If you don't send someone soon, he might actually die."]

["The detective you sent is lying dead on my lawn. Please come collect the body."]

It sounds unbelievable, but regardless of the methods he tried, Dazai seemed blessed by fortune, always failing to die. The other detectives had long grown used to his antics. Some even pulled up a chair to see what new, absurd ways he would come up with next.

But why was he so obsessed with suicide? According to Dazai himself, it was purely an interest.

"Come to think of it, the first time we met was almost the same, wasn't it?" Dazai mused, suddenly nostalgic. "That day, you 'interfered' and saved me when I jumped into the river. If it weren't for you, I'd have already crossed over to the other side... assuming there is such a thing as an afterlife."

Atsushi, speechless, thought to himself. When you save someone's life, shouldn't they be grateful? Why did he feel only resentment? Did Dazai truly want to die?

This question lingered in Atsushi's mind as he tried to reconcile his understanding of his eccentric senior.

"Oh, by the way," Dazai said, as if suddenly recalling something, "you've been with the agency for almost a month now, haven't you?"

"Yeah, that's right," Atsushi calculated in his head. "Actually, it's been exactly 28 days."

"Twenty eight days? Whew, just in time to write the report," Dazai sighed with relief.

Upon Atsushi's acceptance into the agency, the director had given Dazai a task: observe the rookie for one month, assist him in integrating into the agency, and write an evaluation report on his performance. Dazai had agreed enthusiastically at the time but had completely forgotten about it afterward.

Reports were tedious and dull something Dazai avoided at all costs. Even the routine post-case reports were perpetually postponed until the absolute last minute, or more often, until someone else became so frustrated they wrote it for him.

This time, however, the report was a direct request from the director and was about Atsushi. If he neglected this task, he risked a pay deduction.

"Ahem." Dazai cleared his throat and suddenly put on a senior-like expression of care and guidance. "Atsushi-kun, how has your time at the agency been so far?"

"What's with this sudden question?"

"Well, I brought you into the agency and then sort of left you to fend for yourself, so I thought I should check in as a good senior should," Dazai replied with a straight face. "Have you adjusted well to everyone in the agency?"

Atsushi's expression grew complicated. If your coworkers included the suicide enthusiast Dazai Osamu; the sadistic Dr. Yosano, who was always eager to treat injured teammates; the eccentric field operative Miyazawa Kenji; the egotistical genius detective Edogawa Ranpo; the hot-headed traditionalist Kunikida Doppo; and the affectionate siblings Tanizaki Junichiro and Naomi, who were prone to public displays of affection... well, could anyone truly "adjust"?

As someone who grew up in an orphanage, Atsushi found himself clinging to normalcy in a workplace full of such peculiar individuals. He had survived thus far, but whether he had "adjusted" was an entirely different matter.