I'm not going to be an Spirit! (Translate)

Chapter 18: Meaning

Izumi Kyouka could still clearly remember why she had fallen to where she was now.

Half a year ago, on a day no different from any other, she awakened her ability, Yasha Shirayuki.

However, this power, which had suddenly surfaced, did not obey her will. Instead, it went out of control before her eyes, killing her parents.

That day, she lost everything.

Unable to accept reality, the girl ran out of her house in a panic, as if in a trance.

After that, Izumi Kyouka wandered the streets aimlessly, her world shattered, unaware of why or how to continue living.

Just as both her spirit and body were about to break, she encountered a man who would change her life.

Akutagawa Ryunosuke.

Yet this man was neither an ideal mentor nor a kind, righteous soul.

He was a devil who had crawled out of purgatory.

After hearing her story, he said mercilessly:

"Your Yasha was born for killing; that is your only worth."

And thus, Izumi Kyouka was given a new purpose.

The lost girl, unsure of why she was alive, passively accepted this cruel meaning and became an assassin for Port Mafia.

Following the purpose Akutagawa Ryunosuke had given her, she became like a doll implanted with a heart for killing-a machine that lived for slaughter.

Only through killing could she prove her worth. Only then did she have a reason to live.

"My ability was born for killing. If I don't continue killing, I lose my final value," Kyouka said in a hollow voice.

"Do you want to kill people?" Tokisaki Kurumi asked calmly. "If you wish, I can allow you to continue fulfilling your duty as an assassin."

"As a tool, it's my job."

"But what about as Izumi Kyouka? As a living person, do you wish to continue killing?"

In Kyouka's lifeless eyes, a slight ripple seemed to appear. She lowered her head, giving no answer.

"Unlike others in Port Mafia, you don't want to kill anyone, nor have you ever found any joy in slaughter," Kurumi remarked quietly. "If that's the case, why insist on staying in a pit of suffering?"

"Because this is my only home now," Kyouka replied softly.

If she couldn't continue working as an assassin, she would lose her only sense of worth.

Without value, why should she, a parricidal existence, continue clinging to life?

Kyouka didn't know.

Lost in life yet fearful of death, she clung to Akutagawa's lifeline as a drowning person would a straw, struggling painfully in a swamp, sinking ever deeper.

By continuing to kill, she could survive.

But with every life taken, her inner suffering grew heavier.

In her nightmares, not only her parents' faces appeared but also those of every person she had killed-men, women, the elderly, and children-all cursing her, depriving her of even sleep's peace.

To alleviate her inner torment, she shut off her emotions and thoughts, becoming a numb tool.

This was the curse entwined around Izumi Kyouka.

"But why must you accept the meaning Akutagawa Ryunosuke gave you?"

Kurumi's words were like the first rays of sun melting through ice, stirring the stagnant waters of Kyouka's thoughts.

"A person without value truly has no right to live in this world," Kurumi said seriously. "But who decides a person's worth? Others? No. A person's worth can only be determined by themselves; no one else can dictate it."

Kurumi bent down, smiling gently. "The same goes for you."

Kyouka's lips trembled, her vacant eyes filled with confusion. "But someone like me, who killed her parents with her own hands and lost everything, what worth could I possibly have?"

"I don't know; that's something you must find for yourself," Kurumi replied helplessly. "So, until you find a new reason to live, let me grant you a worth beyond killing."

"A worth beyond killing?"

"As my subordinate, you'll follow my orders. You won't need to remain in this blood-soaked hell day after day. I will pull you out of this Port Mafia swamp."

"But I've already killed people. That's a sin I can't escape." Kyouka looked down at her hands, trembling slightly. "Thirty-six people. I've killed thirty-six people in six months. Can someone like me truly find redemption?"

"Thirty-six people," Kurumi chuckled. "Is that a lot?"

"Huh?" Kyouka was stunned.

"Only thirty-six," Kurumi said casually, as if human life were as insignificant as weeds. "Believe me, Kyouka, it's not too late; you still have a chance to turn back."

"Even so, the guilt within me can't be erased."

"Then repent."

"Will repentance lead to salvation?"

"No. Your sins will stay with you; for the rest of your life, you cannot wash the blood from your hands. This is a karmic debt you cannot escape, even in death."

Kurumi's voice was like iron, each word striking deeply into Kyouka's heart, making her guilt intensify.

However, her tone suddenly softened.

"But that doesn't mean you can't become a good person for the rest of your life."

Kurumi gently patted her head, speaking softly, "Rather than giving up, wallowing in regret, why not take action to make up for past mistakes?"

Kurumi extended her hand in front of Kyouka.

Grasping this hand would lead to a new life.

A life where she wouldn't need to struggle in this dark swamp, a life where her worth wasn't proven through killing.

But did she, burdened with so much sin, truly deserve this grace?

Could someone who had killed her parents due to a power outburst, who had taken thirty-six lives as an assassin's tool, try have the right to continue living?

Gazing at the pale hand before her, a glimmer of light appeared in Kyouka's once lifeless eyes.

Her closed heart began to open, her stagnant thoughts started to flow again.

Like a traveler dying of thirst in a desert finding a life-giving spring, Kyouka's vacant eyes now sparkled with vitality.

She took Kurumi's hand.

"Is this your choice?"

"Yes."

Kyouka grasped her hand tightly, unwilling to let go. "Please... save me."

"This is your choice, then."

A smile appeared on Kurumi's face.

"As you wish."