I Took the Heroine’s First Time in a Romance Fantasy Novel

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With those words, she quietly lowered her head. The moment her own words sliced through the air, she felt as if her entire body had frozen.

The impulsive confession brought with it a suffocating tension.

Yet, she felt no regret. Quite the opposite; there was a sense of lightness. And… she felt both fear and anticipation.

“…….”

“…….”

Silence weighed heavily on the air. Not a sound could be heard. It was as if the world held its breath, waiting for his response.

Rudella could not lift her head. She couldn’t even imagine what expression he might be wearing. If he looked disappointed, or if his face had turned cold and rigid…

Such imaginings pressed down upon her.

Her heart continued its indifferent rhythm, but her breaths were growing shallow.

Johan was.

He silently watched the girl who had her head bowed. He couldn’t articulate a single word, unsure of what he should say.

Despite his countless doubts, he vaguely knew that Rudella harbored feelings for him that were more than mere fondness.

However… he could never have imagined she would confess so sincerely.

Why?

Because she was the Crown Prince’s fiancée. She was to become the Crown Princess and, in the future, the Empress who would care for the Empire.

“I…”

Johan barely managed to open his mouth, only to close it again. Just looking at Rudella’s trembling shoulders, and the flush creeping up her ears, made it evident that she was sincere.

“……”

As time passed without a reply, Rudella timidly raised her head.

Her sky-blue eyes captured Johan. He appeared quite troubled.

Yet, for some reason… Rudella found his flustered state delightful.

It meant he saw her as a woman, causing him to tremble greatly.

“…Lady Bismarck.”

“Speak.”

“I regret to inform you that I cannot accept your feelings.”

“…I know.”

Rudella smiled faintly. She understood as well. She knew the man before her would never betray a lover.

But…

But she could no longer bear to keep her feelings hidden.

What had started as a momentary impulse had gradually become an overwhelming desire, a longing she wished fervently to express.

If she continued to suppress it as she always had, it would have inevitably turned into a sickness one day.

“…Why did you tell me this? You could have hidden it for a lifetime.”

Johan could not understand such a Rudella. She, who expressed her feelings knowing full well this relationship could crumble.

She was a woman about to be wed to Princess Ferbache’s fiancé while also being the Crown Prince’s fiancée.

Rudella must have known it was impossible.

“…I hoped there would be even a little bit of me left in your heart.”

Rudella’s eyes, smiling softly, held Johan’s gaze. That look was filled with yearning.

Though expressed impulsively, her confession was a small, humble desire.

Even if it could not be fulfilled, she longed to remain a small fragment within his memories.

“Recently, my inability to focus on work and my dazed state were due to constantly thinking of you.”

Rudella continued speaking. She did not stop even as her breath heated.

“The reason I keep flushing and can’t meet your gaze is all because I like you.”

Johan listened silently. The purity of her expressed feelings made it difficult for him to respond.

“The more I think of you, the more I feel fluttery; I keep remembering your smile, the warmth of the hand I held, and how precious those moments walking through the royal capital were to me, so I couldn’t concentrate on anything.”

Rudella was afflicted with a tormenting illness. One that not only muddled a person’s reason but could also pull them into a dark abyss.

“…You are the first person I’ve ever cared about. I like that you think of me. I like that you see me simply as the woman Rudella.”

Rudella swallowed. It felt like a stone was lodged in her throat.

She hadn’t expected a positive answer, nor did she think such an answer would come.

The more she spoke, the more her desire grew. If it were an irresistible and appealing offer, would he not see her?

Rudella steeled herself.

“However, if you were to accept my feelings… I would do my utmost for you. I would become the Crown Princess and if you wish, even offer you the women I have.”

Johan’s eyebrows twitched slightly at Rudella’s quietly spoken words. Was she really saying what he thought she was?

“What do you mean by that…?”

“I mean I would become an Empress and give you everything.”

“Is that… Lady Bismarck, your true feelings?”

“Yes. This is the best I can offer you.”

As Johan wore a bewildered expression, Rudella carefully gauged his reaction before continuing.

“You will be the most powerful ruler of the Empire, and if there’s a woman you wish to embrace, you will embrace her. I could be one of them as well. Isn’t that… a sufficiently attractive proposal?”

…Is this person out of her mind? Johan’s expression hardened.

He could understand the confession of her feelings; after all, it was better to let it all out since it could never materialize.

Yet, what Rudella just said was a blatant insult.

“To become Empress and take me as a concubine. This is what you’re proposing.”

Johan’s voice lowered. Beyond simple disappointment, the anger hidden at the end of his words gradually revealed itself.

“Is this your heart? To gain my love while offering me power and women?”

He stared at her intently. His gaze was cold and sharp. Rudella flinched as her shoulders trembled.

“This is… quite insulting.”

Thinking Johan had misunderstood something, Rudella urgently shook her head.

“No! That was not my intention at all…! The reason I said that was to provide you with a more attractive option. I never intended to insult you…!”

Yet, despite her desperate denial, Johan inhaled deeply and closed his eyes. Soon, his cold voice hit Rudella’s ears.

“You didn’t intend to insult me? Then why, why make such a proposal? Did I seem like the kind of person who would accept that?”

“That’s…”

When his gaze met hers again, for the first time, Rudella could clearly read both anger and disappointment in Johan’s eyes.

“I was wrong to expect something from you. A person has lived their whole life with a certain set of values that isn’t easily changed. I’ve been foolish.”

Rudella’s lips parted slightly. The breath escaping her felt cold. Just like Johan’s expression now.

“Listen well. The reason I showed you kindness is that I felt it was a shame for you to live as someone’s puppet, hoping you would find your own worth.”

Johan had come to Topaz Palace late at night, trying to ensure that Rudella Bismarck wouldn’t be broken by others.

To not become an enemy to Fransia and to prevent her from doing anything foolish as someone’s pawn.

He wished that she wouldn’t ruin her life.

“Yet you still cannot escape the notion that you must become the Crown Princess.”

But… such hopes were all called into question.

“It’s your life, so it’s none of my business, but if you’re going to express your feelings like that, at the very least you should have firmly decided on your own heart.”

With a frigid expression, Johan swept his forelock aside.

“To say you’ll become Empress and grant me power and women… is that what you think it means to like someone? To treat me as a concubine? Can you not give up power or desire?”

“No, no…! I absolutely did not mean that…! Please believe me… I beg you…”

Rudella hurriedly shook her head. Her eyes were trembling. It appeared she would break into transparent tears at any moment.

“I am…!”

She was being sincere. She could indeed give up the position of Crown Princess and sever ties with the Bismarck family if that meant being with him.

But if that happened… she thought he wouldn’t have a reason to choose her. Taking someone with no power would offer him no benefit.

“I have no more to say.”

Johan shook his head once more. His expression was filled with disappointment.

“I was wrong to even hope you could escape being a puppet of the Bismarck family.”

Johan simply wished for her to live her life without being manipulated by others.

It was because he felt it sad that his fiancée was being threatened to continue living as a family pawn. That image struck him as deeply pathetic.

That was how his sympathy had begun. It was never from having feelings or a fondness for her.

“Ah, no… I…”

With her head deeply bowed, Rudella’s lips merely fluttered. Her trembling fingertips danced aimlessly in the air.

“Rudella Bismarck. You are neither a servant running around for the Crown Prince nor a puppet of the Bismarck family.”

Johan offered her one last piece of advice.

“Listen well. The reason you think you should be the Crown Princess is not because you like the Crown Prince, but because your family has demanded it.”

Rudella stared blankly, her face somehow detached as she looked at Johan. Her eyes lacked focus.

“You must have been scared of disappointing someone, living your life as someone destined to become the Crown Princess since childhood.”

Johan’s voice was sharp. Rudella found it deeply unpleasant. The way his gaze, which used to be gentle towards her, had turned so harsh…

“Think carefully, Rudella Bismarck. The one living, breathing, thinking, and making all decisions now is you.”

Yet, even so, his consideration for her… that warmth remained. Even while he had grown sharp, he was still gentle.

“If you wish to be honest with your feelings, if you desire something, don’t be swayed by your family’s demands; choose your own truth. It’s your life, after all.”

Johan turned his back and said one last thing.

“…I won’t be coming again, so please refrain from summoning me as a designated mission. Lady Bismarck, I sincerely apologize.”

That last part was a clear line drawn.

He left without looking back. The sound of his footsteps gradually faded away. But Rudella could not bring herself to call out to him.

Her expression was full of disappointment.

She had absolutely not intended for it to end up like this…

Why did it turn out like this?

Expressing emotions felt far too clumsy for her, leading her to blurt out a mistake. She had insulted the one she liked more than anyone.

Rudella could not help but resent herself for thinking she could simply convey her feelings and confess. Yet, she had allowed herself to be greedy with expectations. Thus, she had carelessly said something that didn’t need to be said.

If not now, it felt like she would never be able to hold him again.

Rudella had suggested it to create a basis for him to choose her. In her mind, the person Rudella was, aside from being Lady Bismarck, held no real value.

‘This wasn’t how it was supposed to be…’

Rudella exhaled, scattering a wisp of breath into the chilly air.

Though the cold wind seeped into her collar, she felt no chill at all.

What felt even colder was the thought of being alone amidst the garden filled with white lilies.

Her foolish words had pushed Johan away. No matter how much she regretted it, it could not be undone.

“Aah…”

Rudella crumpled down to the ground as if she had collapsed. The cold winter breeze brushed against her cheek, but what felt colder was Johan’s final words.

Before her eyes, Johan’s back still flickered in her mind. The moment he turned away, she understood. He would never look back again.

“Why is it like this…”

In the garden, where the white lilies drooped, she was left all alone.

In this cold setting, even the moonlight felt frozen and devoid of warmth, and there was nothing to comfort her.