I suddenly became the villain and I liked it

Sylvia POV

I open my eyes. It was Sunday once again. A time that I could be free but am I truly so free? This is just a freedom that I have deluded myself into believing. A freedom that I have been given to control me. A freedom that is still within her hands. I keep looking back to that conversation.

“Sylvia, is something wrong?”

A question that disturbs me. Is something wrong? Yes, everything is wrong. My life, my family, my feelings, everything is wrong. Why does it have to be like this? I feel that I might hate myself in the future. Even with everything that has happened, my heart does not follow my brain.

“We are currently courting each other.”

A simple statement that should have no effect on me. One that should not matter for someone in my position. So, why? Why do I react so? I do not understand. I hate her. I know that. I think of it every day. Every morning, I suppress my emotions.

“Wait, does that mean we are also concubines?”

She once told me that my magic was based on my emotions. So, that means that I should be able to understand my own emotions. But why can’t I? My heart and mind are in a mess. Just thinking that I was her concubine generates anger, hate and frustration. But there is also a sense of longing, joy and expectation. Why? Why does my heart betray me like this?

“This is what people call a love nest, correct?”

A love nest? A love nest!? Where is the love? There is no love here. There shouldn’t be. In this place, there are only people who are using other people. I am a tool used by her to do her bidding. So, there is absolutely no such thing such as love here. It cannot be possible. So, why? Why is it so different now? I open my eyes and look up. No, I already knew. Things have changed ever since that time.

“Sylvia, as your owner. I can do whatever I want with you, right?”

The words that changed it all. It took me a while to understand but that was when everything changed. It was only something I realized recently. I can feel other people’s emotions. It varies from person to person. I cannot gauge the feelings of the prince and Lucina. This also applies to the principal, head maid and her father. Some are harder to feel than others. Some like Blanche, Melanie, and Juliet. But there is one person who I can always know what they are feeling.

“Mistress.”

Ever since the day they took me in, I have always been afraid. A fear so intense that it threatened to end me so many times. But I always endured it. Mom and sis are still here. They are still waiting for me. I cannot let them be sadder so I endured. But then, where is that fear now? Why has it disappeared? It was something I never thought of before. I thought my anger overcame my fear but what if it was something else?

“I see.”

It was her. I was always with her and I always felt fear. But what if that wasn’t my fear? What if I was being affected by someone else’s emotions? But why would she feel fear? I do not understand but the fear suddenly ended. Yes, the fear ended and I could feel different emotions. So, why did she change? Her emotions have changed and it has affected me in so many ways. In that case, are my emotions really mine? Or am I just copying what she feels every time?

“I do not understand.”

All this time, I have felt various emotions. Even in the case of when they were talking about concubines and love nests. But what is my emotion? What do I truly feel? Even now, it is something that I question every day. There is one thing I am sure of. I do hate her. Yes, I hate her so much but I rely on her. I cannot deny that she is my everything. In this life, I am bound to her. She controls me, she commands me, she guides me.

“Even so…”

I still hate her. So, the question still lingers in my mind. When did she change? Where did all of her fear go? I feel so many different emotions from her now yet not a single one is fear. So many complicated emotions. Joy, happiness, excitement, regret, melancholy, resignation. It confuses me so. Why does she feel such things? What does it all mean? Its like she is living everyday doing whatever she wants knowing that something would happen to her. But how could anything happen to her?

“I just don’t understand.”

All of this thinking just confuses me even more. No matter how I think about it, it just doesn’t make sense. And the way she feels about me. Expectation and disappointment. Every single time, it feels like she expects something from me then gets disappointed. I don’t understand. What does she want from me? I have already given up everything. She already has everything. So, what does she want with me? The questions never stop in my mind and yet I have nothing else I could do other than continue. So, looking back at that question. My answer could not be different.

“There is nothing wrong, mistress.”

And so, I continue to lie. These thoughts of mine are something that should not be. I have lived a long time already suppressing my own thoughts. So, I must continue to do so. My life is no longer my own. I am not of my own free will. My emotions should not matter. So, I suppress it once again. Yes, just like every day. I am just a tool.

“Good morning, Sylvia.”

So, why is it that every time I see you, it gets harder and harder to suppress them?