I Start with a Bad Hand!

The sunlight-filled new library was indeed a place of comfort and distraction, a far cry from the old, dimly lit library I was accustomed to. It was located on a higher floor, making it less accessible, and was also a place where Roxanne often appeared, which is why I usually avoided it. However, now that I was here, it wasn’t just the location but also the environment itself that made it unlikely I’d frequent this library.

It was simply too pleasant for studying.

Through the large windows, students could be seen gazing absent-mindedly at the clear sky or immersed in the latest novels that weren’t available in the old library. It made me realize why, despite the complaints about the old library, people still preferred its secluded, somber atmosphere—it was easier to isolate oneself and escape the torment of studying there.

Reflecting on my exam period habits of reading even the most mundane things like someone else’s family tree, I began to understand the mindset of those dreary academy folk I once disdainfully called the children of darkness.

While intending to find a book for my assignment and leave, I noticed a section of the library dedicated to arts and drama. Seizing the opportunity, I thought it might be good to look for a book related to drama.

As I slowly browsed through the shelves, absorbed in reading the titles, I felt a light tap on my shoulder. Turning around, I found Roxanne standing behind me, her smile reminiscent of spring, her presence almost glowing in the well-lit library. As she stepped toward me, her sweet fragrance enveloped me.

“Can we talk for a moment?” she whispered, keeping her voice low, aware of the library setting. Honestly, I wasn’t keen on the invitation.

‘Ah, is this going to lead to some trouble again?’

What does she want to talk about? I hesitated, unable to speak immediately. But seeing Roxanne’s expression, earnest and almost pleading, I nodded.

“You know, people like you who are so naive tend to make life hard for themselves.”

Those words echoed in my mind, a reminder from an old lady at a newsstand. Fortunately, Roxanne led me outside the library to a secluded area. Facing me, she hesitated, her lips moving as if struggling to find the right words, and finally, she managed to speak.

“I want to apologize for what happened last time.”

“Huh?” I responded, surprised by her contrite tone.

“That day… the day there was an incident in the student council room, it seems I spoke in a way that led everyone to misunderstand. It’s my fault. I’m sorry.”

I should have apologized right away that day, but I was so overwhelmed that I am only now saying sorry. As Roxanne spoke these words, her eyes had already grown moist.

‘I didn’t expect this.’

Of course, it would be a lie to say I hadn’t thought ‘Why now?’ However, the unexpected apology was significant enough to leave me as unsure of what to do as Roxanne.

“I should have corrected the misunderstanding right away… or at least I should have told my brother to stop… I was too panicked to do anything. I feel like it’s my fault things got so out of hand… I’m really sorry to you.”

‘But actually, it’s not really Roxanne’s fault either. Even if Roxanne had misunderstood, it could have been corrected there. But it was Cedric who made a huge fuss….’

I looked at Roxanne with mixed feelings. She was quietly watching me, gauging my reaction. Truthfully, my feelings towards Roxanne were complicated, and so was our relationship, no, the relationship between Dietrich and Roxanne.

Because of Dietrich’s family, Roxanne had been separated from her own family and raised in an orphanage for 12 years. It was neither my fault nor Dietrich’s, but there was still something uncomfortable about simply ignoring it.

However, the events that unfolded at the academy without Roxanne’s consent had been bothersome and troubling, and above all, they were experiences I did not want to relive. So… I stopped my thoughts and just looked at Roxanne’s clear face.

Noticing my gaze, Roxanne’s cheeks had turned a rosy hue. She only moved her lips slightly before gathering the courage to speak.

“Our start was a bit tangled, but still… if you’re okay with it, I’d like to be closer to you.”

With those words, Roxanne reached out her hand, and I looked at her uncreased smile, which seemed to shine transparently in the sunlight. However, my heart only grew darker.

‘I could never say such a thing.’

If I were in Roxanne’s shoes, I wouldn’t be able to cheerfully get along with the child of the person who caused my family to be separated from me. I wouldn’t openly reject them, but just looking at that person’s face would be awkward and uncomfortable.

So Cedric is annoying and rude, and he picks fights over trivial matters with Dietrich, who isn’t directly to blame, just because Dietrich’s family committed fraud… But if I were Roxanne’s family, I would have probably acted like Cedric.

It’s troublesome because I am on the receiving end of Cedric’s misbehavior, but if Cedric were on my side, I might actually find his baseless obnoxiousness rather reassuring.

After all these thoughts, I finally had to succumb to a truth I had been ignoring all along.

‘Let’s admit it.’

Despite everything, I liked Roxanne, the one who could affirm someone as they are right in front of her. No, more precisely, I liked the stories about such a Roxanne.

Until the latter part of the novel turned into a mystery thriller following Dietrich’s death, I liked the original novel that wrote down this world I’m living in now.

The quaint academy stories were fun because they were about a life I, buried in school and part-time jobs, had never experienced. It was a kind world to Roxanne, the protagonist, and I liked that she didn’t have to struggle despite various penalties. I had struggled for quite a long time myself.

I was drawn to Roxanne because she was a trusting and good person. Generally, I expected nothing from others, and unless there was a speck of leisure in my heart, I wasn’t always that good person. And generally, I didn’t have such leisure. Above all, the warm world where the kindness Roxanne extended returned as kindness, a world where she could be a good person to her heart’s content… Yes, I envied that.

Of course, there were a few male protagonists who were beautiful yet had dark, inscrutable intentions, but seeing such characters transform into decent protagonists was also the charm of reading novels. Where I came from, people were both inwardly and outwardly filthy, and generally, they didn’t even think of changing.

‘Maybe I’m one of those people too, damn it.’

But let’s be clear, I liked Roxanne’s story, but I didn’t want to be part of that content. Even though I felt pity for Dietrich’s life, I didn’t want to live his life in his place. I have more important things to do than being a part of Roxanne’s story.

I need to somehow get out of this world. This world is not my share. And I have to return this life to Dietrich. To do that, even if I liked the novel, I needed to lead my story a bit detached from it.

‘So… I can accept Roxanne’s apology, but we can’t become close.’

From the start, everything about me was ambiguous. Adding one ambiguous relationship here wouldn’t be strange. If it’s hard to untangle the tangled thread, just cut it off.

Thinking this, I took the hand she extended. Roxanne’s expression noticeably brightened. However, I eventually had to have a conversation that would make us both uncomfortable.

“I don’t think it’s something you need to apologize for… but still, thank you.”

“No! I’m just sorry for apologizing only now….”

“But like you said, I don’t think we can be close.”

“…Huh?”

“There are things my parents did to you and your family, and now I can’t be close to you. I’m sorry.”

Roxanne responded in a choked voice, small and quiet.

“It’s not your fault…”

It was true.

“That may be, but I still have a conscience… No. This is just my problem. Let’s just say that I’m not big enough to be close to you.”

Unable to reciprocate kindness with kindness. As I said this, Roxanne merely moved her lips again and then lowered her head. This moment was excruciatingly uncomfortable. I opened my mouth to bring this meeting to an end.

“Let’s just greet each other when we pass by, like the other kids.”

That seems better for both you and me. I let go of the hand I was holding and tried to force a smile. Roxanne heard me and quietly nodded her head.

It was something that had to be faced eventually. With that thought, I was the first to leave. My steps slowed due to an indescribable, intricate emotion.

When I returned to the dormitory, Agnes was lying on the bed reading a script. I went out again to check the room number. It was indeed my room. She was lying there so naturally that for a moment I wondered if it wasn’t my room.

Agnes didn’t look like she had any intention of moving from the bed despite the room owner’s return. So, I just rolled over and lay on top of her. Squeak. Agnes made a sound like a squished frog. I lay on top of Agnes, unbothered, and thought.

‘Yes, it was the right thing to do.’

Nearly everyone in the novel loved Roxanne. There was no need for Dietrich, or even me, to be included in that. I can love that child from outside the novel.

I shifted my position. Squeak. Agnes made the sound of a squished frog again.

However, I had overlooked one thing. Even if I didn’t appear in Roxanne’s story immediately, the possibilities of getting entangled with her were endless. People lived on outside of Roxanne’s story. So, even if I wasn’t appearing in Roxanne’s story right away, there were plenty of ways to be influenced by Roxanne and those who loved her.

Moreover, even if I tried to distance myself from her and thus appear harmless, unlike in the original work, so as not to harm Roxanne, the list of people who could cause harm was not determined by Roxanne herself. It was for those surrounding Roxanne, who allowed her to continue being a good person, to decide.

“It’s a pathetic level.”

And this realization oddly started from a quarrel at the archery range.