I Start with a Bad Hand!

“Why would you do such a thing?”

His face showed complete bewilderment. But I couldn’t blame him for not understanding. If I were in his position… or if the circumstances were slightly different, I wouldn’t have made this choice either.

“I can’t understand your reasoning,” the cleric muttered, looking perplexed.

“What difference will it make? The soul of the body’s original owner can’t be restored, your heart will only grow more troubled, and most importantly, your adoptive parents will suffer from a truth they can’t change.”

“….”

“What is your reason for forcing a choice that will bring pain to everyone?”

“…That’s a very utilitarian perspective.”

“Utilitarianism?”

“Yes, it’s a philosophy. You’re right. Everything you’re saying is correct, and honestly, I agree with much of it….”

The cleric stared at me intently as I perched carelessly on the windowsill. Why indeed? Why was I so determined to speak words that would only cause pain? Dietrich could never come back, the Baron and Baroness Degoph were still unaware of the truth, and in a situation where I wanted to continue living here, my decision seemed unwise. It was like stirring up trouble in a situation that was precariously stable, and I couldn’t deny that.

“But, so what?”

“I’m going to leave the academy soon… and I feel like I need to prepare for this by settling everything.”

The cleric’s face now openly displayed his confusion. He looked as if he was about to blurt out, “What are you talking about?” I hurried to add more explanation.

“I also left my parents at an early age. If someone took over my body and pretended to be me… I would want them to honestly tell my parents that they weren’t really me.”

As he listened, the cleric’s expression grew more and more disapproving until he was completely frowning. For some reason, seeing his face made my previously steady voice falter and lose confidence.

“That answer is not sufficient.”

“Pardon?”

“Believing that everyone in the world would think like you in this situation is arrogance. Even in the same situation, the best choice varies from person to person. What if Dietrich’s wish was not to reveal the truth, but simply to avoid hurting his adoptive parents’ feelings?”

His firm response left me at a loss. Damn it. His words made perfect sense too. Maintaining my own conviction amidst people who always made rational arguments wasn’t easy.

“But what can I do? In this world, those two people are the only ones who meant anything to Dietrich.”

What could I do? I had pieced together fragments of Dietrich’s story, many plays, and texts in foreign languages, but apart from those two, I found nothing else in his life that mattered. Though I read the grudges left in his soul, the feelings of longing were solely for those two people.

I know that Dietrich resented Logan, but I don’t know what Logan said that made her fall in love. I know that Dietrich was hurt by Cedric’s words, which encouraged and cared for Roxanne even when she couldn’t do something well. Therefore, I don’t know what Dietrich liked or what she was good at. I know she despaired over many things, but I don’t know what kept her going despite that.

“She was lonely for most of her short life, and I can’t take those two away from him as well. Even if it’s something that can’t be undone… still, I think it’s the least courtesy to inform them about the truth. After all, I’m a fake… and the moments they were happy with me, it wasn’t really me they were happy with.”

The only clear affection in describing her was for those two people. At least, that’s what I knew.

“They were happy because the kid who never left her room suddenly came out, studied, and laughed. In truth, it was nothing less than deceiving them. Unless they were neglectful or abusive, they would believe it was their own care that brought about the change.”

In fact, the real Dietrich is already gone, and what they thought was a changed person was actually someone else entirely. I leaned completely against the window. It was absurd, but I found myself wishing the glass would shatter and free me from this situation. But that wouldn’t happen, and even if it did, I still had to say what I had decided to say.

“I’m really scared, too.”

‘The foster child you loved is no longer here. Due to many tragic events, his soul shattered, and I took his place in this ownerless body. Even if I leave, Dietrich will never return to this body.’

The thought of saying this to the Baron and Baroness Degoph made me feel like I’d rather be half-digested by a giant cockroach.

“How can anyone tell parents that their child is already gone? But considering what I’ve done while borrowing this body, I think it’s a very light obligation.”

“….”

“So please, write it. The notarized document.”

The cleric was no longer looking at me. Instead, he was pressing his fingers against his eyes, deep in thought. A long silence followed. He pressed so hard that when he finally released his hands, red marks were left on his face.

The silence was broken by a long sigh and the sound of a pen dipping into the inkwell.

“Still, I believe you have other choices.”

With those words, the cleric began signing the document. He pressed the pen so hard that the sound of it scratching the paper was loud and clear. Somehow, that struck me as funny, and I replied with a hint of a smile.

“I know.”

***

“…And these documents support everything I’ve just explained.”

And then I truly regretted it. Perhaps it was because I had never faced parents who had lost a child before. Although the context was different, the cleric was right: I was indeed arrogant. Maybe, subconsciously, I thought that the discomfort of bringing up the topic would be greater for me. But such trivial feelings were nothing compared to the hearts of those two people.

“I see. So… our Dietrich is….”

The fact that the body’s owner and soul were different was smoothly handled with the cleric’s notarized document, but the problem came next: the explanation of why Dietrich disappeared.

“So, ahem. Um… I…”

“Take your time. We’re prepared to hear whatever you have to say.”

They gently pushed a cup of tea toward me, but seeing their hands trembling made it impossible for me to continue speaking. Facing the people whose child’s body I was occupying, they still remained courteous and dignified.

“The reason I am here is that your daughter’s soul…”

Even though I had practiced and organized my words many times, they got stuck in my throat and refused to come out. All I could do was cough to clear my tightening throat.

“For some reason, um, she could no longer function… So…”

“Unable to function… what does that mean exactly?”

My lips went dry. I was indeed arrogant.

“She couldn’t be brought back… she is gone. And… that means….”

Unable to look at their faces, I fixed my gaze on the teacup. My words were completely jumbled. However, some truths hurt simply by being told.

“But… um, your daughter’s heart had unresolved matters here. So I came to… in her place, to finish what she couldn’t….”

To somehow do what she couldn’t. But those words seemed to offer no comfort.

“Then… does that mean our Dietrich is….”

After that, no coherent words followed, and I was the first to leave, overwhelmed by their long sobs. I couldn’t bear to sit there any longer. At that moment, I felt as if I couldn’t stay in any part of the mansion. This space, which had become so natural to me, felt uncomfortable.

‘I don’t want to feel unnecessary guilt. It wasn’t my fault that I ended up here, and I’m not responsible for Dietrich’s death.’

But even so, today I couldn’t bring myself to enter that room or this house. Everything in that space seemed to push me away. After hesitating for a moment, I stepped out of the mansion. I felt the need to go far away.

Tap. Tap.

But it wasn’t long before thick raindrops started to fall. Damn it, of all times, why did it have to rain now? I hadn’t even made it halfway down the path when I found myself crouching under a small shed that the gardener had meticulously arranged. Without alcohol, without cigarettes, I endured my emotions in the rain.