I Start with a Bad Hand!

I didn’t even have time to fully register the thought of who would do such a thing to someone else’s bow. Just as I picked up the broken pieces of my bow, I heard crying from outside the storage, beyond the window.

“Stop it. Roxanne. Stop crying.”

“But…”

It was a familiar voice, yet not Elius’s. The low, gentle tone felt soothing and unfamiliar, making it hard for me to immediately recognize the speaker.

“Roxanne, look at me. It hurts my heart every time you cry.”

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…”

A soft sigh followed.

“I’m not asking you to feel sorry. It hurts me because, as much as I cherish you, you don’t love yourself.”

Finally, I realized who was standing in front of Roxanne.

“But… sometimes I think it doesn’t even matter. As long as you’re my sister, I can cherish you enough for the both of us.”

Cedric. The reason I hadn’t recognized him earlier was because his tone was different from what I was used to hearing. He must have embraced Roxanne, as her sobbing became muffled.

“From the moment I first saw you, I knew. When you arrived at the mansion in those ragged clothes, I recognized you as the last gift from our mother that I had been waiting for. So my point is, no matter what you look like or who you are, you are my sister. The one I love.”

I had no desire to eavesdrop on this heartfelt sibling confession, but my feet felt glued to the floor. It felt like a hammer was pounding on my chest. I had never wished for Cedric to be my family or to treat me with such tenderness, but…

This emotion, once again, didn’t belong to me, but to the original owner of this body.

‘…Even if it wasn’t exactly the same, there must have been a similar situation in the original story.’

There are those who receive love effortlessly, who are cherished just for existing. And I knew I could never receive such unconditional love.

“You don’t need to push yourself to the point where you’re utterly exhausted and crying, even though you’ve done so well. You are deserving of love just as you are.”

All love is involuntary. The warmth of someone’s affection can’t be increased through effort alone. Just as I can’t control my own feelings, I can’t control others’ feelings either. The fact that someone’s uncontrollable affection could touch me unconditionally is not a miracle everyone experiences, but it’s common enough that those who don’t experience it feel the lack.

And maybe Dietrich tried really hard too. She came from that desolate frontier to the capital’s academy and somehow figured out she was the true child of the ducal house. Knowing the original story and being an adult, I struggled to navigate this world. It was hard to imagine the effort young Dietrich must have put in, confronting this world alone.

‘…What time is it now?’

Lunch time must be over. At some point, the voices outside the window had disappeared. Finally, as if released from a spell, I moved my stiff legs. Having stood still for so long, my body and legs creaked with every step.

“What are you eavesdropping on like a little rat?”

As I stepped out of the storage room, familiar footsteps blocked my way. Even without looking up, I knew who was standing before me. His voice was unmistakable.

“…I wasn’t eavesdropping.”

“Stop with the foolishness. If you truly hadn’t been listening to our conversation, you’d be looking confused about my question instead of giving a response like ‘I wasn’t eavesdropping.’”

Cedric looked down at me as he spoke. Considering our height difference, it was natural for him to physically look down on me. But what bothered me was the unhidden sense of triumph in his eyes. That victorious gleam made me take an involuntary step back. Cedric smirked at my reaction.

“Well, in that case, there’s no need to prolong this conversation.”

What conversation…? I wanted to challenge each of his words, but seeing his face, I couldn’t speak. All I could do was gasp for air. Cedric seized the moment of my silence to continue.

“You think by becoming top of the academy, by getting close to the prince, by….”

He hesitated momentarily. As he resumed, his lips trembled slightly.

“…by mastering archery like our mother, you could become part of the ducal house?”

The sensation of something pounding my chest—was it my heartbeat or some invisible force trying to suffocate me? I struggled to breathe, unable to say the words I should have: ‘I never thought that.’

“Keep struggling as much as you can.”

“….”

“There are things in this world that effort alone can’t achieve. That’s the innate difference between you and that child.”

No matter how much you try, you’ll never get what you want. He was repeating himself, almost like a mantra. And as someone who valued effort, his repetitive self-affirmations were particularly irritating.

“No matter how hard… you try. It’s useless.”

Even though I hadn’t fully left the storage room, the door slammed shut with a loud bang, plunging the room into darkness. The invisible hammer still seemed to pound at my chest, leaving me breathless, despite Cedric’s words not needing to hurt me.

‘I’d rather be told I’m crazy or to get my act together.’

Why do people keep telling me not to try? Hayden, Cedric—they keep telling me to give up, which is really disheartening. But the real reason my heart felt heavy was different. I intellectually understood Dietrich’s pain from those words, but emotionally, I couldn’t fully comprehend it.

Even if my family wasn’t perfect, my parents gave me the minimum attention and affection that parents should. They weren’t completely satisfied or proud of my achievements, but they at least provided the unconditional love that family is supposed to give.

‘So… it’s inevitable. No matter how hard I try, I can’t completely understand your feelings.’

That’s why I had to ask again. This time, more earnestly than ever before, because understanding with the head wasn’t enough for such a heartfelt matter.

‘If this is your regret, what should I do? Do you want me to be loved by those people?’

But what’s the point of me receiving the love you never got? It’s unnecessary for me, unwanted by them, and you won’t benefit from it either. Is doing something that satisfies no one what you truly want?

That’s when my eyes started to sting. Was it really what she wanted—to beg for affection from such people? Could this be what she regretted so deeply?

I don’t know what you want from me. I crouched down, burying my face in my knees. At that moment, the door to the dark storage room slowly opened, letting in a thin stream of light.

“Dietrich, are you here?”

And then, just as Cedric had done with Roxanne, a tender voice echoed in the storage room, unmistakably warm. When the green eyes found mine and their owner crouched down to meet my gaze, I realized something.

“I’ve been looking for you. Here you are.”

Even if I couldn’t completely possess that affection, the undeniable care leaked out, impossible to hide.