Chapter 3: 03: doubt of my existence
From the time I have been living here with these new parents, I have to say that I have only been lamenting in silence, all because of the mystery of my new life.
Do I have a purpose for staying here?
Why, respectively, must it be me?
Since I opened my eyes like a newborn child, living with these first‐time parents, it is something that always appears in my mind, I... had a life already made, I had my family, I had my friends, I had everything I desired, I was a young man of thirty‐one who achieved all the goals I desired and planned his life from youth, I... no, I know, because I was chosen to live an experience like this which is so uncomfortable, at least it was at the beginning... my bewilderment was undoubtedly greater just imagining my punishment. Dying in fire, a death that I would not wish on anyone, a death so painful that I myself felt the detachment of my skin and muscles.
Despite thinking about it, I only want to ignore that agonizing death, I am already one year old, and I have to say that any life that is not that of a ninja is a life full of peace. What I missed of technology and the daily life I previously enjoyed now fades with what I am experiencing at this moment the nature, the sound of streams compared to the beeps of the car. I have realized that my family is not a family of ninjas, my family is made up of traveling merchants, they sell ninja tools, my father became a blacksmith while my mother dedicated herself to selling scrolls and bomb seals, at least that is what sells the most compared to food, although my mother made delicious food, it does not last long from village to village.
My mother is a very beautiful woman, luckily I ignored the stage when I drank her milk and simply grew up. They believed I was very intelligent for my age, I suppose because I maintained my 30‐year‐old mentality and not that of an adorable child who shouldn't even develop consciousness until the age of four.
I can think that being in Konoha most of the time would be horrible, although looking at everything from another perspective, such as that of the villagers or merchants, who are not shinobi I think I could get used to living in this place.
But the way my parents speak, they always talk about the fact that we will travel again as soon as I am an older child.
" Look, my love! Our son already knows how to say 'Mama'! " I heard my mother's voice speaking very cheerfully, after all, this little throat of mine now allows me, with all my strength, to at least utter a miserable word, which is a great achievement that makes me happy.
I hear my father running from the kitchen to catch up with my mother, I am on the tatami that we always use, watching how they get excited this will always bring back good memories of how my wife and I reacted with my daughter, I really behaved like the one who is now my father.
" I can't believe it! Come on, Usui, you have to say 'Daddy,' not 'Mama'! " My father's complaints amused me somewhat, although so as not to make him feel bad and to understand his feelings, I simply smiled and spoke
" Da...da "
Barely uttering that sad word caused my father to let out a high pitched shriek that surprised me as he dramatically fell to the ground, clutching his chest where his heart is.
I think I get overcome with emotion.
My mother just looked at him with blank eyes " better go cook, I will take my child out for a moment so that he gets more accustomed to the village " I felt my mother holding me with love, I could feel it, that overwhelming warmth she always gave me.
I squinted my eyes when I saw her radiant smile on her face " come on, my baby, you will see the shopping with Mama "
Seeing the affection and warmth only made me return her smile, she always said that she loved to see me smile, I looked like a porcelain doll.
I only did it because my feelings got the best of me.
Yes, it is possible that in my life, which I did not get to enjoy much I was an American man of good bearing who barely had a fleeting life.
Perhaps... I must only accept the fact that here in this world that my daughter used to watch is now my new home, what was once known as fiction is a reality for me. That my new parents are too realistic in my eyes, and that they... exude real love for me.
I am sure that my wife and my daughter are fine, and just as they know that I died, they must continue their lives, leaving me behind.
Starting this year I will forget my previous life, to begin now as the son of these merchant adults.
I am Usui Kurama, and from today, I will call myself Usui.
I curled up in the soft lap of my mother, enjoying the maternal warmth she provided me. I closed my eyes to enjoy a good breeze that only made me stay warm at that moment.
The only thing displayed on my face was the soft smile I had from accepting my new identity. I wasn't worried about what happened in the world of Naruto, after all, it is as if I were just a filler character far from the main cast.
I will live as a traveling merchant like my parents, far from everything that involves shinobi and assassinations, in order to once again have a peaceful life in this crazy world.
I will never study to be a ninja, nor will I touch a weapon, I am sure that, just as I have civilian parents, I don't have anything that makes me good.
At least... that was what I thought at first.
How wrong I was.
...
The seasons moved at a leisurely pace, from January until winter, three years passed, and now I was already four years old.
In those years, as if something were preventing me, my memories of my life as a father were blurry, my family... I can no longer recognize their faces, I only remember their names and their voices, but their silhouettes are now unknown to me.
The only thing I can salvage is my knowledge of everything I studied, and also my mentality, and fortunately the little that I watched of Naruto and Bleach, and something else that was more personal, has been forgotten upon having accepted the fact that I now live in this place.
My face and my body matured from being a baby to being a very small child, my parents are happy to see that I am a child who learns very quickly, and everything they teach me, I absorb like a sponge. Seeing their happy and excited faces makes me feel equally cheerful, at least I think so, however, my face found it difficult to express itself.
Just as my emotional relationships from my first life also vanished, my emotions and feelings were harder to express, I went from being a cheerful and happy child to a four‐year‐old who has a face that cannot move even an inch. The worst is that I am also starting to lose the sense of my emotions... I don't know if I am happy or sad it is very difficult for me to think about it, and also, this obstructs my decisions. I still remember the faces of my parents when they saw a stray dog, in Konoha it is very strange to see animals like that, but that poor animal was dying, lacking water and food.
My mother took pity, and she felt very sad, my father was the same, although he was worried, he tried to feed it, but that poor animal could no longer eat or lift its head.
They both looked at me expecting me to ask about its condition or health, but unlike what they expected from me, I only said in a cold manner, without showing my feelings, "It's dead."
It is as if I didn't care about it, although I wanted to express myself differently no... I couldn't do it. My mind thought of many things to help it, but when my words began to come out, they did not come out as I had thought, only the worst things I could imagine came out.
After that, I tried not to speak much, being a somewhat withdrawn child, my parents noticed that change, but no matter how much they tried to make me happy, I didn't move even the tip of my lips.
My interior is a mess, as if something were mixing within me, but I cannot tell what.
And now, here I find myself on the outskirts of my home, I was enjoying this warm and relaxing day that only momentarily closed my eyes, the breeze and the air so pure, far from pollutants, was undoubtedly something I valued, the feel of the grass, of the herb, the natural sounds of the animals.
I felt... in the same environment as these living beings.
" Usui? What are you doing here all alone? " Hearing my mother speak made me turn to look at her, she, accustomed to my expressionless gaze, only smiled at me with love.
She sat by my side, as if pondering something, " I will go again to buy vegetables for cooking, do you want to accompany me? "
I only looked at my mother, nodding without speaking, she offered me her hand, and upon taking it, it felt so warm and loving, compared to mine, which was cold, so cold that it made her shudder slightly, it is also something that began to change in me, the human warmth, which is not felt much in my body. Although it doesn't seem to matter to her.
She guided me with a smile while I looked ahead.
These four years I continued living regularly, I thought it would be a normal day like any other Mama selected the fruits and I only handed them to her carefully, wanting her to look at them.
The gentleman with whom we always shop looked at me smiling, " You have grown a lot, Usui, you will undoubtedly be a very healthy young man " his name was Hashiro, he was a very kind man who basically saw me grow up, since my mother never changes stores, if she likes one, she will be a loyal customer.
I silently wanted to express my joy, but the only thing that came out of my lips was, " Thank you very much, Mr. Hashiro, I really appreciate it "
" Wow, your son is very well-behaved, Chuzu-san, I wish my daughter were as well-behaved " the man complimented with humility, already accustomed to the way of being that he was at that moment.
My mother only dedicated a sweet smile, " Not at all, he only likes to speak that way, I have wanted him to be a little informal or at least show his emotions, but I haven't achieved anything " she sighed sadly, I only comforted her in silence by giving small pats on her arm.
After that brief, almost no conversation, I looked around, sometimes my long hair covered my eyes, but nothing really happened.
Although I was looking at something, I saw how a gaze met that of a girl who was also staring at me intently.
I was calm even though her gaze was directed so intently at me, I really didn't mind.
Until I saw her form more clearly... that form.
" Nelliel? " My thin voice, as befits what I am, a child burst from my throat, my eyes opened in surprise and blinked rapidly.
I reacted immediately, I was so agitated and shocked, it's supposed to be the world of Naruto, why was the one I knew as the ex-Arrancar there?
I just ran, something unusual for me, although my face only had my eyes wide open without being able to express a gesture of disbelief, inside I was surprised and puzzled to see Nelliel, and upon seeing that I was running towards her, Nelliel herself smiled at me playfully as she ran away from me, she had her mask on, although her mask was intact and did not have that crack, the red mark and the blue hair.
I only chased her.
" W-Wait! Nelliel! " Something unusual for me to shout, I shouted agitatedly, trying to catch up with her, but she was very agile, she ran much more happily than I did.
I heard my mother shouting at me with concern in the distance, but I did not stop.
" Alcánzame! Haha, how fun! Let's go! " the girl spoke with joy, the bustle of Konoha faded away, it was no longer audible to me, we reached those lush and enormous trees it was part of one of the shinobi training areas, I deduced by the marks of kunai and shuriken on the wood placed in the center.
Being very far from the village, I breathed heavily upon arriving with the girl, luckily she stopped. My body was very weak and feeble from not training in anything, only walking and living with my parents.
The girl looked at me slowly, she was truly very beautiful those amber eyes that looked into my soul left me in silence, I did not know how to proceed.
" Sorry for making you run, it's the first time that someone has come to play tag with me... " the girl spoke in a low voice, although she showed a somewhat timid gesture.
Although I really didn't want to play with her, it was only her simple appearance that made me chase her " ... w-what is your name? "
I saw how she thought for a moment before smiling at me again, " Nelliel, I don't know how you knew my name, you are someone very fun " she said playfully as she approached me, I just stood without showing any nervousness or any other feeling, cold. Although it seems strange to me that she says I am fun, possibly she was just mocking me.
" It was an intuition " I spoke in a low voice.
" I see... "
I slowly walked around her, inspecting, I saw that her body barely, very subtly emitted a glow something that made me feel curiosity and strangeness " Nelliel, why do you have that skull on your head? And... that glow... it is not normal "
I saw how the same girl inspected herself before looking at me, " I... died " I saw how her face became sad.
It surprised me, although I did not express it, inside I was agitated, because when I made eye contact with her, I did not notice any difference between her and a living person they were identical. At that moment I noticed the subtle glow that her silhouette emitted.
It is possible that they saw me screaming alone...
I didn't think about that, I paid attention to the explanation of the girl who was fidgeting with her skirt, " I don't remember much, I only remember that I was living before in a place so arid and sad... I had no one, perhaps I only had like two people, who were like my two best friends. I used a strange energy to attack and I could also transform into an adult, I fought with someone with orange hair, I spent my adult life in that very sad and lonely place, and then... something approached me... and I appeared here, I only remember that I wore my mask, which is as if it were part of me, an essence itself " the very timid and sad girl whispered, as she seemed to remember that she loved those two people very much.
I remember them, they were Dondochakka and Pesche, Nelliel's henchmen.
But... did she die? And if she died, why did she have to appear in Naruto?
My gaze analyzed the information, and then I whispered to her again, " If you say that you appeared here, do you know at least how you got here? Any clues? " I spoke with strangeness, now looking intently at the girl.
She rubbed her chin in a playful way, " Not really, I only remember that when I was fading, I didn't feel anything, but everything grew dark for me... at first I didn't feel anything, nor did I have my consciousness, but then I remember the time I spent in that place, then I felt as if something grabbed me and dragged me in another different direction... and then I appeared here, I thought something resurrected me, or that I would return to the same place, but this strange place made me appear " the girl whispered softly, still feeling sad.
This doesn't make sense, first Ulquiorra, now Nelliel?
I furrowed my face without being able to understand.
I wandered for a long time in this place, although today was my first day in the village, I thought that if I found where I first appeared, I would find clues as to why I am here, although I can see that I am still dead since I don't have a physical body like you, " I said cheerfully.
I wandered in that village, the humans are something I saw very differently—their warmth reminds me a lot of that boy with carrot hair that I remember but when I looked at you... " she paused dramatically, "when I saw you there, I thought I was hallucinating, all my memories of where I died, or of people, I forgot their names, but upon seeing you, everything came back to my mind. You are Ulquiorra Cifer! " she dramatically pointed at my chest.
I didn't even blink, I know that I resemble him one hundred percent, but I must not emphasize something I know.
But it's only his appearance, I am someone else.
" I really don't know who you're referring to " I tried to play dumb, not giving any signs that I knew who she was and that I remembered her life that I saw on television, although something that surprised me was the fact that Nelliel died, she never died in the series... Does this make any sense?
" Don't play dumb! You didn't even look happy when you saw me! You always have that bitter face, I remember you perfectly, although the only difference is that you don't have those green lines under your eyes and the gap in your chest you are a... human " she continued speaking with emotion which quickly changed to anger, " Why is it that if you are human you don't express yourself as such!? You have no emotions! And you deny that you are him... if you weren't, you wouldn't have reacted when you saw me "
Ah..
There she caught me, it was my fault, I reacted immediately since she belongs to the work Bleach, and she was one of my favorite characters, truly.
It was impossible for me not to express that emotion (note the sarcasm).
" I... had a... lapse, something came to my memory, but just like you, I also don't know why I came here, only upon seeing you did I manage to recognize you, and a few memories of you came to me, but that's all I don't remember anything about where I come from, nor what I was, it seems that you know many things about me " I tried to speak and look confused, but not a gesture appeared on my icy face.
She just sighed " Well... I don't think it matters, we have nothing to do, you were lucky to be born in human skin, I... remain the same with my soul, but... I have nothing here, I was ignored for so long, and I no longer have those two people who made me happy " The girl's tears appeared, totally sentimental, but it was understandable, she could indeed show gestures. " I will be alone for all eternity... "
I stayed in silence, just watching her cry, I pressed my lips without knowing what to do, my eyes wandered a little.
But while I was immersed with Nelliel, I didn't notice that my mother had finally arrived with me, her breathing agitated.
In that silence, I stayed to say something in a low voice, " I... will not leave you alone, I can... try to play with you and accompany you, I am going to be... your friend... "
They were words so unfamiliar to me, words that I couldn't say, but in some way I expressed myself, I saw how Nelliel stopped crying, looking at me with those enormous, shining eyes, in doubt and disbelief.
" So... do you really mean it?... R-really? " her broken voice reached my ears, I only lowered my gaze, feeling that warmth that I had been forgetting.
It felt good.
" Yes, I really mean it " I said, decisively raising my hand toward her form, I saw Nelliel step back a little upon seeing my reaction, " I will be your friend, and I will never leave you alone " I spoke firmly, Nelliel's eyes met mine.
And she changed her sad frown to one more emotional and joyful, she rubbed her eyes to slowly extend her hand to me.
" It's something I never expected from you, Ulquiorra... I, am happy to no longer be alone now " her voice revealing emotion and sweetness.
" Nelliel, my name is no longer Ulquiorra, and I will not be Ulquiorra... my name is Usui, Usui Kurama, I hope you start calling me by that name " I replied in that icy manner.
But something changed on my face, I felt that muscle in my face change.
At last, an imperceptible and almost non-existent smile appeared on my face.
The girl held my hand, her face blushing due to her tears, but now an enormous smile appeared on her round face, " Thank you for not leaving me alone here... Usui " that hopeful sparkle in her eyes shone even brighter, the sun cast rays upon her as if she were an angel that needed to dazzle.
At the moment she touched my hand, something unexpected happened: the glow intensified so much that it surprised me and I squinted my eyes a little.
Nelliel was slowly fading away into particles, but instead of those particles disappearing, they were clinging to my chest, she was smiling very happily and gratefully, but before disappearing, I saw that she directed her gaze to someone, I also turned my face just to see the enormous eyes of my mother.
" Mom, I... " Before I could answer and explain to her, Nelliel disappeared with those fragments moving to my lap, at the moment that that majesty that had emanated from her.
I collapsed instantly to the ground, feeling, for a moment, weakened, which made me faint.
...
Riruka, upon arriving at that place where her son ran away, was taken by surprise, she had to apologize to the vendor and leave all her purchases with him, The woman followed her son, seeing that he was shouting at what was not there, something that made her feel strange.
Her son was very elusive, when he entered the lush forests that the first Hokage created in his time, he got lost in them.
" Usui! Usui, where are you!? " the poor woman was very worried, fearing that something might happen to cause her little child to run away from something.
She continued searching, taking a little while, until at the moment she approached a training area, she heard a fragile and icy voice.
It was her son!
When she approached, she wanted to speak to him and ask him, worried, why he was running and why he was shouting that, but she stopped the moment she saw that her son was standing alone, he was speaking softly, as if sharing stories into the air.
Why was her son talking alone?
She felt very strange, Usui had never had such odd behavior before, he had never spoken alone despite not wanting to get together with any other child.
But something happened that she could not have expected, she saw it, a lightning bolt came out of nowhere in front of her son, it was illuminated with an enormous light that even blinded her, she closed her eyes for a moment but when she opened them again.
Her face might not have had an expression that could be noticed, her eyes were bulging from their orbits, her mouth open wide, her hand clutching the tree as her legs trembled in distress.
Without a doubt, she did not know what expression to show.
Because she did not know if she was seeing reality or a lie.
In front of her son, for a moment, a very pretty girl appeared, and that same girl was smiling at him.
She saw before her eyes how she disintegrated into nothingness, emitting that glow that seemed angelic to her.
Could it be... did her son awaken the Kekkei Genkai of the Kurama clan?
It couldn't be true... it couldn't.
Otherwise, her son would be in constant danger.
And there, she saw how her child turned around, to her surprise, more than he could bear, he saw something that almost made him fall.
The Ketsuryūgan, the unique eye of the clan from which he came, was imprinted in his son's eyes, that blood-red color that was not very different from that of the Sharingan, only that that eye was more sinister.
Is it possible that her son is a prodigy? He is only four years old and it is already possible that he has manifested both Kekkei Genkai!
" Mom, I... " her son didn't even finish speaking, he saw how that blood-red color disappeared and he collapsed, it is possible that it was an overload of effort on his little body.
Riruka ran towards her little one to embrace him, agitated and quite nervous, she looked around, worried that someone had seen what she had seen.
Then, her hand caressed her son's very dark hair, " Calm down, you... n-no, this must be wrong, my little one should be someone normal " she said, still trembling, as she carried her son.
That day, she forgot to do the shopping for the first time.
She had to speak with her husband about what she had just witnessed, It is something extremely important that he has to know.