I Planned a Su*cide Mission and Got Kicked Out of the Party

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Jeongjae personally went to see Jenis off. Due to safety reasons, Jenis requested to ride the horse alone instead of using a professional horseman. She had judged that while she could protect herself, she lacked the skill to defend others in an urgent crisis.

Jeongjae, who was not oblivious to the increasing burden and difficulty of having more people to protect, readily accepted Jenis’s suggestion. Normally, one would detach the carriage and ride the horse, but unlike the carriage that could provide modern tank-like defense with just a bit of effort from a Grand Mage, there weren’t many means to protect oneself on horseback.

Using the iron armor from the Imperial Knights was also limited. The armor couldn’t cast advanced protective spells like ‘Automatic Counterattack’ or ‘Enemy Detection.’ More importantly, there were no blacksmiths capable of making such armor in Harriet’s Territory right now.

“Well then, I’m off. Take care!”

Jenis said with a wistful look as she mounted the horse. Still, since she was pulling the carriage, she could carry plenty of baggage, making her ride on the horse quite light.

“Just make sure you take care. If anything happens, even if it’s not too far away, send me a signal somehow. If there’s a sign I can recognize—”

“I know, I know it all.”

Jenis glanced down at Jeongjae with a slight smile.

“Even if the professor hesitates to ask for my help, I, the audacious one, feel no burden in that regard. It’s only natural for the weaker to seek help from the stronger.”

Jeongjae silently looked at Jenis’s bright expression. After a moment of gazing up at her with a stiff face, he struggled to speak.

“Jenis, don’t get too close to me.”

“Pardon?”

“It’s for your sake. A person like me can’t adapt to this world no matter what I do. I can’t dedicate everything to this world. Naturally, it’s the same for those who live in this world.”

“Professor.”

“I could die to protect this world if it came to that,”

Jeongjae said in a monotone. No emotions or thoughts leaked out.

“But if it’s about living for this world, I don’t have the stamina to endure for long. Trying to get too close to someone like that is a waste of life and could lead to regrets. For your future, think about it a bit more carefully.”

“I’m not a person who sacrifices everything for someone special either. I’m not that kind of person.”

Jenis replied coldly.

“You’re so accustomed to controlling yourself that you impose the standards you insist on yourself onto others. But, Baron, not everyone just suppresses their feelings like that.”

“I’m not trying to impose anything on you…”

Jeongjae stopped what he was about to say. In fact, he knew very well that he was not in a position to dictate others’ thoughts or feelings.

“Princess Margaret has nothing to lose. To be exact, she has such a solid backing that she wouldn’t mind losing something at a moment’s notice.”

“Why are we suddenly talking about Margaret…”

“I tell you, Baron. My background isn’t as solid or luxurious. If the Harker name is to continue in this generation, to protect myself against the schemes surrounding me, I must make as many friends as possible… and use them.”

“That’s not wrong. Especially given your position.”

“The princess of Eramenia is a fairy who would devote everything just by looking at your character. In fact, elves are like that. They’re a race of people ready to throw in everything blindly for those to whom they’ve pledged loyalty. I can’t be that kind of person, which is why I’m envious of her. I could never become a blindly devoted woman to surpass her.”

Jeongjae was rendered speechless. If he were to speak out now, he would have to face the fact that he had been deliberately excluding from his consciousness.

The strange situation he found himself drifting between the two women who were more than he deserved. He wasn’t ready to accept or acknowledge that yet. Even if he erased such problems completely from his mind, there remained a mountain of issues he had to contemplate.

He suddenly brought up the fact he had been evading, wanting to leave the sincere advice as Jenis departed. He wanted to stop his precious student from walking down a thorny road marked by injury.

But when Jenis suddenly started to bring up Margaret, Jeongjae regretted having introduced this topic. He couldn’t find words to reply.

Jenis’s cold gaze was questioning him.

Didn’t she already know everything? Was she not just accustomed to pretending she knew nothing and hiding what she desired?

And Jenis was questioning him again.

Was Jeongjae truly entering a path where he could escape if he tried to run away? Was he currently trapped in tunnel vision due to stress, only thinking about escaping?

There were too many possibilities. Living in this world, there was an infinite potential to seek happiness. Yet he was under the delusion that the only way to regain his happiness was to return to his original hometown.

“Is the fact that I’m less blind than her more attractive to you? You’re not ready to ask someone to give everything for you. You can’t even tell your own vassals to devote all for their lord, can you?”

“To no one… I can’t say such things. Asking others to live for me…”

“Everyone lives saying such things. Even if they say they sacrifice, it would be the same.”

“But… it’s a gift from another world, isn’t it? A blessing dropped from another realm, right? What kind of gift, what blessing demands you to sacrifice yourself for it?”

Jenis clenched her jaw and jumped off the horse. Jeongjae was pushed back by the overwhelming presence she exuded, but Jenis boldly stepped forward and grabbed him by the collar.

“You have to live first! There are so many people ready to live for you, even here and far away! You can’t ask anyone to live for you? You’ve gone beyond being pitiful; you, professor…”

Jenis suddenly became aware of the tears streaming down her face and stepped back, flustered.

Struggling to hide her face, Jenis quickly climbed back onto the saddle. Jeongjae stood there with a blank expression, staring at the empty air.

All advice felt hollow to Jeongjae right now. Telling him to broaden his perspective and keep an open view was meaningless.

What significance does it have to advise someone who has given up on their life, saying that there is a high chance of good things ahead? Jeongjae had not yet given up on life, but neither had he intensely pursued it.

Only the instinct to maintain his life as a living being and the compassion he felt for others pushed him forward. But, what remains for him when the immediate objectives have vanished? What goals does his self have left to achieve in life?

Slaying the Demon King? Finding rare books? The study of interesting magic?

All those are someone else’s purpose or merely momentary entertainments. In the dark tunnel of vision, surrounded only by darkness, the sole working purpose of his life might just be one thing.

‘To escape this world. To wander in search of something he longs for, no matter what form that may take.’

“It has always been impossible to pull the deeply absorbed professor out of that swamp. Even Princess Margaret has never succeeded in that.”

Jenis quickly wiped her tears and said. Though her voice showed no hint of trembling, she was clearly embarrassed by her recently erupted emotions.

“One day, you’ll need to get out of that swamp, whether you want to or not. I don’t know who can do that, or what event might cause it…”

Jenis finished speaking without casting a glance at Jeongjae.

“If given the chance to do so, I might be able to find meaning again within myself.”

Before Jeongjae could even attempt to respond, Jenis waved the reins wildly, and the carriage began to move. Jeongjae waved his hand towards the departing carriage without a word.

For some reason, he felt something twist inside his heart.

It was already the second time he had seen a woman holding onto him with tears.

The first time was when he shoved that insane scroll in front of the Elven Princess. He thought it was such an unexpected turn of events, shocking him greatly at that time, but now those thoughts began to surface again.

Did he really not expect Margaret to stop him? Perhaps part of him wanted to be acknowledged for the reason he could live in this world, right?

From the most just, the most trustworthy companions. He had never considered that someone would have such a deep… affection for him, but perhaps she might recognize his worth as a friend.

Maybe it would have been better if Margaret had comforted him plainly. Perhaps if she had calmly explained that he was more than just a burden, it wouldn’t have felt this way.

But the moment he sensed that Margaret’s heart might overflow and explode, Jeongjae shut the door on his heart once again amidst the confusion.

Elven love is not something to be taken lightly. Those who live for a thousand years rarely experience love more than once in their lifetime.

Human and elven love is not a taboo. It’s not that elves are unaware of the catastrophic endings such love might lead to.

Even knowing, they can’t stop it. Once something has happened, it cannot be undone. The tragic consequences of lifespan differences can happen anytime, anywhere.

Among normal elves, having more than one spouse or sharing love with various individuals is rare, though it occasionally occurs. Elves have gone through an evolutionary process akin to humans, reaching a state where they have refined their mana into purity enough to develop their understanding and way of thinking.

However, among those noble beings, if we’re discussing the royals of Eramenia with the most noble mana flowing through them, the story becomes different.

The lineage of Margret, often called high elves, is purer, more innocent, and more blindly devoted than anyone else.

To receive love from a member of that race is not a trivial matter. It is the beginning of the most tragic romance in the world, or the prologue of an irreversible Greek tragedy.

Jeongjae meticulously diagnosed himself and was convinced that, without a doubt, the latter outcome was closer. He could never be the protagonist of a romantic ending. Within the dark and gloomy thought process he was trapped in, he felt that Margaret would be abandoned, hurt, and become pitiful.

Once one story concludes, she would have to live alone for at least 500 years.

Accepting that as a nightmare rather than romance, Jeongjae ultimately locked his heart again. He felt the tunnel that could have broadened closing in once more.

He also felt the suppressed consciousness within him rising, craving destruction in this world.

And then that short-haired girl exposed the ambiguous secret that even Jeongjae had muddled over.

“I… I…”

Jeongjae dropped to his knees, staring at the disappearing carriage.

“I can’t… choose anything.”

Buried in his outstretched hands, Jeongjae quietly murmured. The Grand Mage wept softly. The significance of his tears could never be light compared to those of the two women he had cried for.