I Gave Up on Conquering the Heroines

I had a dream.

It was a dream where Yoo Jin was coming back.

I was happy all day.

I had a dream.

It was a dream where Yoo Jin was found dead.

That day, I canceled everything and locked myself in my room, crying endlessly.

I had a dream.

I had another dream.

And then again, again, again…

I couldn’t stop dreaming.

Somebody told me to give up, please.

Others told me to wake up from my delusions.

But what can I do if I keep dreaming?

I can’t control my dreams.

What does it mean not to get worked up?

That’s just my personality.

All those were just funny noises.

So, I ignored them all.

It didn’t change anything if I listened or turned my ears off.

Who cares if someone shut themselves up and cried at home?

As long as I do my job well, that’s all that matters.

I’m not acting like a bipolar patient outside, crying like “I miss Yoo Jin.”

I’m doing… fine.

There’s no problem.

Why do people keep telling me stuff?

I just can’t understand it.

“Yoo Jin? Is that you?”

“…”

Another dream.

A dream of Yoo Jin, after a long time.

I was so glad that I stretched out my arms.

And then Yoo Jin abruptly got pulled into the bathtub.

“Hehe. It’s Yoo Jin…”

“…”

I hugged tightly, thinking I was holding on strong, but maybe because it was a dream, I couldn’t exert any force.

I feared that Yoo Jin might scatter and disappear, so I hugged even tighter.

But my limbs felt like they were submerged in water, refusing to move freely.

“I missed you. I missed you. Why did you come late?”

“I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s my fault. I should have gone to get you. I should have brought you back…”

That day.

What did Yoo Jin think while collapsing in the dungeon?

In that last moment, did he blame me?

I don’t want to be hated.

I don’t care if everyone in the world hates me and points fingers at me.

As long as Yoo Jin is by my side, I’m satisfied with that.

I won’t be greedy.

That’s truly all I need…

All I need is Yoo Jin…

Why take Yoo Jin away from me?

“I didn’t expect this to happen… I really didn’t…”

I’m being punished for that mistake.

For not being satisfied with Yoo Jin by my side and being greedy.

I’m still facing the consequences of saying harsh words to my only ally in this world, the most precious person to me.

If I could go back, I wouldn’t do that.

I’d be satisfied with what I had.

I’d understand how big a blessing it is to have Yoo Jin by my side…

“Ugh, Yoo Jin… If you’re alive, tell me you are… Why… Why did you have to disappear without leaving a corpse… Why leave me hoping… Why make it so hard for me…?”

I know.

The more I cling, the more it becomes painful.

It’s much better to forget half of it and stand up to live.

Yerina is doing that, and Yulia… um… is she doing better than me?

Anyway, everyone is doing that.

But I just can’t.

Just thinking that Yoo Jin might be dead makes my chest tight and my vision goes dark.

Everything in the world turns black and white, and the sensation in my fingertips fades away.

Meaning in life disappears, and my head gets filled with thoughts of wanting to die soon.

What can I do about not being able to?

I know I’m foolish and stupid…

But what else can I do to survive like this?

Every single dream with Yoo Jin makes me laugh and cry, and if I don’t indulge in absurd fantasies, I can’t help but feel like dying…

“Yoo Jin…”

“Yes?”

“Am I pitiful?”

“Pitiful? Why would you be pitiful?”

“Well… because I have to move forward, but I keep getting stuck in the past… I’m clinging to things that can’t be undone…”

“…”

Naturally, Yoo Jin has no response.

Yoo Jin in my dreams is always quiet.

He just holds me, strokes my hair, and repeats sweet words of love.

I shouldn’t have asked anything unnecessary.

I buried my nose in the scent of Yoo Jin and inhaled deeply, huff, haaa.

Today, it’s an especially realistic scent.

Really… huff… Yoo Jin… haaa… sniff sniff…

“Eh?”

Just as I felt everything, the touch, the scent, was exceedingly real and I wanted to look up.

A big hand covered my eyes and forced my head down again.

Yeah, this is definitely a dream. Just as I buried my face back into Yoo Jin’s chest…

“Priestess. Are you there?”

Gasp…!

I awoke with a start at the sound of someone knocking on the door.

In an instant, Yoo Jin, who had been enveloping me, vanished, and I sank straight into the bathtub.

Startled, I jumped up but found no one around, just me alone in the spacious bathroom.

Haa…

I must have been too tired and fallen asleep while bathing.

Look at my state.

“I’m sorry for the interruption during break. We’re reporting that the airship squad has lost contact.”

“Yes, thank you. I’ll head to the control tower right away.”

I swept back my hair and took a breath.

Why am I breathing so heavily after waking up?

I calmed my startled heart and slipped out of the bathtub.

I must have been in there so long that the water was cold.

“…”

The dagger I had gifted Yoo Jin.

The one he’d carelessly left behind only to take again and then ditch… was now in sight.

That dagger.

It was stuck in the floor.

As if someone had thrust it in forcefully.

“Ugh…!”

With all my strength, I managed to pull the dagger out of the tiled floor.

What is this? Did I stick it in my sleep?

I shouldn’t have been able to drive it so deep…

That weird feeling lingered for just a moment.

Thinking of the waiting subordinates, I hurriedly started getting ready to leave.

Though I might not seem to match a military commander, this was a responsibility only I could bear.

After all, this army was formed by gathering powers from around the world. Who else could lead it but me?

If a Gallic person took charge, there would be complaints, and it would be the same for those from Palana and the Holy Kingdom.

Only I, as the Priestess, could unite everyone under a common purpose.

That meant the weight of responsibility and the gravity of each decision were immense.

Thus, every time I took the stage as commander, I felt a churning burden in my stomach.

Shaking off the timid part of myself and trying to play the charismatic and strong Priestess made me tremble.

Yet strangely enough, today, I didn’t feel that afraid.

There was no hesitation in my hands as I donned my gear.

Why is it? What’s different today?

Hehe…

I realized it.

I finished fixing my hair and stood up.

When I looked in the mirror, there was a smile on my lips.

Not the forced smile I always wore before going out, but a natural, gentle smile.

“I won’t give up.”

Was it the dream I just had?

I felt a renewed charge of hope.

I was tired of waiting endlessly.

I was tired of just crying and laughing alone.

Now it’s my turn to go find Yoo Jin.

You say there’s no chance?

You say there’s no clue where Yoo Jin disappeared to?

So what.

Yoo Jin has always swum through this sea of uncertainty.

Stepping forward, pioneering a path while knowing nothing, with nothing sure.

“Schedule an interrogation with the Great Demon, or rather the Magic Sword. I have things to confirm. And bring the broken tablet. I need to see its cross-section.”

This time, it’s my turn to go find Yoo Jin.

It’s time to rescue Yoo Jin, who is adrift in the sea, lost.

The one who loved me like this, I’ll save her in my own way.

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