I am Peter Parker

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***

Another morning. I once again wake up between Sabretooth's breasts, which are certainly soft but also quite hot. Though with a sadness in my heart I have to admit that I'm starting to get used to it.

Even sadder that Penny still hasn't given up on her delusions. Sang-hyun, whose name I tried to get her to learn, failed. Now it's Glenn's turn. I'm sure my alpha male friend can make a six-foot-tall misunderstanding fall in love with him.

Along with their date, I have to meet the Sang-hyun sisters. As a friend, I can't just say no, because he kept his word, even if the result was bad. The problem is, I don't really want to get married. I've never seriously dated anyone before, but marriage? I'd like to move gradually, dating, meeting, cohabitation for a couple of years, and then you can get married and think about children. But what kids? I don't have a proper job or education. A job? What do I want to do? To be honest, I've always been happy with part-time work - less obligations, you can always leave and freedom at the end of hours. Yeah, the pay's not great, but it was enough to live on. The life of a lonely young man who never left home, but not a family with kids. 

Then, should I change my views to find ways to earn and provide for my family? I suppose you should. Really, I'm not sure I want to start a family. Anyway, right now I'm more comfortable on my own. And I don't have time to be someone's boyfriend, husband, father - or so I think. I like to work, although there's nothing I'm really interested in. In this lifetime, I've changed fifteen part-time jobs or so. I've rarely been fired, most of the time I quit when I found a new one that I didn't know how to do yet, so it was interesting to learn and get better.

Maybe I'm subconsciously looking for something I'll actually be interested in. And maybe I'm finding excuses to put off relationships because I'm not really interested in them at all? Maybe I'm simply not meant to be together with someone.....

- Hrrrr. - Sabretooth snored from my room, and then she paced the bed as if searching for something in her sleep.

- Move over. - NEWT freely entered the bathroom and stood next to me in front of the mirror, also brushing her teeth.

- Breakfast is ready! Time to get up! - Mystique shouted from the ground floor.

Okay, that doesn't count. We don't live together, they're just occupying my house!

- That's... - awkwardly, with a brush in her mouth, NEWT spoke. - Thanks for buying me and Pyro some pads during the week.

And it doesn't mean anything either, I've been buying Penny's pads since she was fourteen and it's come to nothing.... Fucking hell...

- Damn those pads! Especially the ones with wings! - It was all the fault of this mysterious feminine world. My contact with it, ruined our healthy family relationship....

.....

- So, Peter, what are your plans for today? - Mystique said casually over breakfast, which also meant nothing, suddenly making everyone stop eating and look in my direction.

- Я...

- How about a day of doing nothing today? - Without letting me answer, Mystique asked the next question. I wonder if I have to answer it?

- Я...

- Right, relax, cos we spend more time in your house than you do. - Oh, I see, I shouldn't have. Speaking of which, which I obviously won't be allowed to say, is there anything surprising about what Sabretooth said? I mean, they're hiding from the law at my place.

- If you're not busy, how about going out with me! - The neighbour, who clearly doesn't look like the daughter of a billionaire by eating at my place, tried to say something, but NEWT shut her up with a toast. I could sympathise with her on the basis of shared experience, but again, the toast was mine and her mouth was hers.

- Gaby, let's go to the shopping centre! - Followed by NEWT grabbing her hands with burning, puppy dog eyes. As Osborne hurried to chew her toast as quickly as possible so she could answer, NEWT had already made up her mind for her: -You're my best friend, so there's no way you're going to say no to me, right? Especially after I helped you sneak into Peter's room and lose your virginity!

- What?! - What did they do to me while I was asleep?!

- Well, that's two adults making babies. - NEWT said with her head tilted back like a stern teacher.

- Thank you for your clarity, but more importantly, the baby-making was a success?! - Just this morning I thought I wasn't ready for kids, but they're already on my doorstep?! What ghouls! No, children are more frightening than that.

- I don't know until the stork arrives, you can't say anything concrete. - NEWT shrugged her shoulders and spread her arms out to the sides.

While everyone was gradually recovering from the shock and getting their mandibles back from the floor, and I stopped producing cold sweat at litres per second, Mystique spoke first:

- Honey... And about taking your virginity, what exactly was the process you were referring to...?

- You don't know? - NEWT was genuinely surprised. - I thought you knew everything. It's a good thing you asked, otherwise you might have accidentally become a mother.

- I don't think so. I don't think it's that easy. - Don't underestimate a banana peel on a nude beach, Mystique, oh don't....

- Of course it's easy! One kiss, and bam! You're pregnant! Then you and your other wives are always at work, constantly fighting because they also want a baby, you start getting fat and bald from stress, and on top of all that, you've got a mortgage on top of that, and you have to forget about the simple pleasures of manhood forever, and I want to go fishing! That's what my dad used to tell me when I asked him where babies come from. - Let NEWT's dad go fishing, be human, he deserves it.

- That's all he ever said to you on the subject? - Mystic, leave the man alone, he's going through enough.

- No. Afterwards, he'd grab me by the shoulders and tell me with bloodshot eyes never to kiss a boy unless I wanted to get pregnant. And then his eyes would fill with love and he'd start talking about fishing lines and hooks. - NEWT was giving an innocent face to the memories as she was suddenly struck by a lightning bolt of realisation. - Wait?! I've kissed him too, what if Mr Stork comes to me?! I'll never be able to go fishing again!

- Have you ever-- Have you ever been fishing?

- No! But I could have, Zubaya, I could have. And now... - NEWT moved her eyes full of tears in my direction. - You have to take responsibility for my irresponsibility!!!

While NEWT, who had jumped across the table, was hanging on my neck and roaring, and the others were trying to calm her down, I came to two thoughts. One, I'd have to stand in for the Sang-hyun sisters, because fuck it, this morning was one of the worst I'd had in two lifetimes. And two, I hope NEWT's father fulfils his wish and goes fishing.

.....

Afterwards, NEWT was calmed down. But this required textbooks and diagrams, because she thought we were lying. And then we went through a completely uncomfortable, and clearly unifying experience on a different level, of watching porn and birth videos together. Leaving aside the fact that my fear of babies intensified in the process, NEWT believed us after all.

- And who would have thought babies would come out of there? What a strange and illogical world. - More like scary.

- Ah, the birth of a baby, isn't it wonderful? - Osborne put her hands to her cheeks and shook in her chair in euphoria.

- Yeah, amazing... - said Sabretooth, not taking her eyes off the bald child wrapped like a burrito in a towel and handed to a woman with the face of a living dead man.

- I wonder if I will ever experience a similar joy. - Mystique said sadly.

Did I mention that women are scary? Yes? Good. They continue to do it on a regular basis

.....

Later, NEWT went to the mall with Osborne. Watching them chatting sweetly, a thought struck me - what's the use of a belly button? Why is it even needed after the umbilical cord is cut? I'll forget to google the answer to these entertaining questions, but afterwards another thought came to me and I turned to Mystique.

- Look, if you're so friendly with Osborne, why are you staying with me?

- Well. She doesn't have a kitchen, she doesn't have a working bath, and the house wasn't bought for housing, and it wasn't meant to be. Plus they might look for us in it, think we're trying to kidnap you for no reason.

- Like you've done before. - Mystique shifted her gaze suspiciously to the window, admiring the clouds. - And for what purpose was the house bought?

As I continued to stare at the redhead turned away from me, Mystique was sweating. She was saved from dehydration by the doorbell. I wanted to get up to open it, but Mystique, transformed by me, sat me back down and ran to open it.

From the living room, I couldn't see who had come in, and I couldn't hear what they were talking about. Five minutes later, with a complicated expression on her face, Mystique returned.

- I just... I just remembered I need to get something, so I'm going to stand back, okay...? - Sabretooth and I shrugged, and with a brow furrowed, Mystique walked away, still in my form, but more decently dressed.

- And so... - After she left, Sabretooth spoke while the eyes of the newborn stared into our souls. - What do guys usually do to relax?

- We play games, watch cartoons, "dabble" with porn, under certain circumstances we can combine two to three items in different sequences. - my answer is accurate if she meant "relax" in the context of putting her brain out and being a vegetable.

- Then... Let's move on. - red as a tomato, Sabretooth switched to porn. It's not awkward at all.

- Ah, bro, I'm stuck in the washing machine~ - straight up at all...

.....

- Well... I don't have anything to pay for the pizza, maybe we can come up with another way to pay? - The actress in the man costume spoke up. Surprisingly, there are a lot of actresses playing male roles in such cultural works.

- Oula-la-la-la~ - the pizza delivery girl playfully bounced her eyebrows in response, and dropped her bag. The further turn of events was absolutely standard.

- I wonder if this film has a sequel, where her boss has her for late orders and not taking payment from the client? - I asked a rhetorical question. After an hour, the awkwardness had indeed gone, replaced by boredom.

While the actresses were doing what they usually do, I was struck with nostalgia. I too had once worked as a food delivery man, rode a red scooter, rushed around kicking my feet off during peak hours, and even heard sayings similar to the film a couple of times. Admittedly I cut them short abruptly, wrapping the delivery back up and walking away, as I didn't have much time to waste on banter.

Tomorrow I have a date with Captain America, and on Monday I'm flying out of the show, meeting with my boss, paying off the estate, and what after that? Should I go back to shipping? Or look for something new? Or not, and get serious about studying instead? It's kind of depressing to think about the future.... Who'd have thought you could get depressed watching proms?

- I'm going to die alone... - When I turned my head, I realised I wasn't the only one. Apparently they do say that watching too many adult films is bad for your health.

- Mm-hmm, maybe. And given his involvement with a terrorist organisation, maybe he's young.

- Hey, at times like this, you gotta cheer up the person you care about!

- Are we close?

- I'm less than an arm's length away from you!

- Is that what they mean when they say "close"?

- In the context of whether my upset fist can reach your jaw, yes!

- Then.

- Hey, why are you sitting down next?! Is it so hard to cheer up a mutant?!!

- Well, well... - Unable to withstand her pressure, Sabretooth almost climbed on top of me, I patted her shoulder.

- I don't feel sincere! - so there isn't any...

- I'm sure you'll find someone. Someone who won't mind the attempted breast murders, the constant plum hairs, the attempted breast murders, the wrecking of his property....

- Your encouragement just made me feel worse! And why did you mention breasts twice?! I only lightly strangled you once! How many times do I have to remember? - I was literally on the other side of the world.

What's more, in the great and eternal male war of boobs versus pop, I've always leaned towards the former camp. But now, having been betrayed, my faith is shaken.....

- That's it, I don't want to talk to you anymore, I'm going to go train! - Sabretooth got up and went away, but on the stairs she turned to me again. - If you go to bed later than me, don't switch on the light in the room!

So we're still sleeping together? And yes, it still doesn't mean anything.