I am Peter Parker

200 gems = bonus chapter

Fully support the story at:

patreon.com/FanFictionPremium

***

In the morning, in a half-asleep state, I was shoved out the door. In fact, I was so sleepy that I didn't even realise what door I'd been put out of or where I was.

- I'm really, really, really, really, really, really, really sorry!!! - which lasted until a shriek from the back of the door.

- Thank you. - I said it sincerely.

- For what?

- For kicking me out before I screamed, otherwise I'd have lost my hearing again. - even though I already have "sorry" ringing in my ears.

.....

- Are you sure it's nothing? - Standing over Ripley, in a sweat, I asked her.

- After last night, I'm sure she wouldn't mind if you stirred up some dirt with me ~ - she answered me with a playful smile.

- It's more up to you, I'm not going to get messy.

- Don't worry, I'll take it all in. I'll swallow the extra~

- Alright then... Here.

I handed her the pot that was on the top shelf and started to climb down from the stepladder, feeling strangely like I was somewhere disappointed by people who afterwards thought they should have known better and given up all hope. I understand you, I also feel the same way, every time some nonsense happens to me in this universe. What can we do? Just wish each other luck in this unfair world...

- What's the matter with you? Who's gonna make the soup? I can only make wunshpunsh... - after all, is our suffering comparable to the suffering of being Useless?

- Have I told you to stick to your job? - I took the pot from her hands with a warm smile.

- Yes! Why does every conversation we have come up with that phrase anyway?! It hurts my feelings!!!

As we were waiting for one of the assistants to bring me my trousers, Ripley asked if I could cook something. I replied that I could. However, instead of confining myself to breakfast, she asked me to cook a pot of chilli. There was a tear-filled story about how she missed southern food, especially chilli.

I ignored it all and suggested she cook it herself. However, she, to the surprise of no one, doesn't know how to cook. Which didn't change my mind. What did change it was the food delivery girl, who, before I started talking and even asking about my cooking skills, had ordered Ripley's food.

- Haa. You can't throw food away. - I said like a mantra as I sliced sweet peppers.

- Ho? I thought tomatoes usually get a lot of juice. - Ripley watched my every move with fierce enthusiasm.

- What's this? - I picked up a tomato and showed it to her.

- A tomato! My grandmother grows them, but after a couple of times when I tried to help her, she doesn't invite me round anymore.

- What's this? - Once again ignoring her backstory, which I advise everyone to do, I picked up a red sweet pepper.

- Another tomato! What are you doing asking me these questions? Do you think I'm stupid?!

- ...Yes. - feeling my faith in humanity slowly evaporating from me, I answered her.

- Are you a sadist?! Do you take pleasure in hurting my feelings?!!!!

.....

After cooking a delicious chilli, having a hearty meal with Useless while Breena continued to hold the defence in her room, I left after only getting my trousers.

Since Sang-hyun has a date with Penny tomorrow, I decided to contact him to help mentally prepare. He didn't sound very good when I talked to him, apparently his date didn't go well and neither did mine. I wouldn't want my future in-laws to be my competition.

**Edna Brock. In my flat.

- I want to die. - was the first thing that came out of my mouth upon waking up.

I've had a lot on my plate these last three weeks, huh? Work, work, sleeping in the office, in the car, even once in the bushes. All to track down the bloody head of a crime syndicate!

- Edna, you're exaggerating, making things up, seeing things that aren't there.... - I spoofed the editor-in-chief's voice. - It's not my boyfriend, this shit is real.....

On the bright side, I wasn't lonely because I was busy. Plus now I can start my tinder with a suggestion to get into the bushes.... Which is original, but I doubt it's much different than a pussy shot, and I doubt it'll get the same reaction.

Okay, time to get up.

- I don't want to.

It's time. Eleven o'clock, sixteen hours of sleep is more than enough, young lady!

- I'm not young anymore, and I've never been a lady at all.

I thought I mentioned I wasn't lonely, didn't I?

- Mm-hmm. I miss my mums. - Living on your own is a bit of a lure. All the problems, all the responsibilities, and my personal life is just as screwed up as it was.

I decided to lie down a little longer, so I picked up my phone to check my email and make sure my lying down was productive in some way.

- What? - my email was full. My email was full. - What the fuck?!

Following a link from one of my co-workers, I ended up on a small news site with an article starring me and that weird guy from the show on the front page.

- What the fuck?! - The article talking about my love affair with him made me jump up abruptly.

I had numerous messages in my inbox from colleagues at mine, other newspapers, various websites asking for confirmation of this information. So far only small sites without significant traffic are telling this yellow rumour. But knowing this sphere, if this rumour is picked up by one more or less large news resource, then everyone will run to write "reliable" news with a reference to it as a source.

While I was rushing to write to the editor-in-chief that it was all lies and confusion, I got a call from her, Josephine Jonah Jamison.

- Surprise, baby! Surprised me! For once you'll be useful, get your arse down to the newsroom where the interviewer will be waiting for you! Also, when you go on TV, I expect you to make at least three mentions of our paper in one minute, OK?! - Given her husky voice and insistent way of speaking, it's hard to tell what mood she's in without looking at her face. Though sometimes you can't tell without looking.

- Mrs Jamison, the thing is. - she's been in the business for 20 years, she'll understand.

- What's the matter? We've already put your story on our website. - and why is it that when she gets something in her head, you can't get it out?! It's just like Spiderwoman. - You weren't going to tell me it wasn't true, were you?

- Well. Erm.

- You're not going to tell me that in addition to wasting the paper's resources on your stupid investigations based on the fantasies of a schoolgirl who's read too much Nancy Drew, you screwed us over by not bothering to pick up the phone when we called you to refute false information? - I really liked the Nancy Drew books when I was a kid. I still do.

- You know. When I'm not working.

- I'll tell you what. I'll say it first, and then you finish what you're gonna say. If you're gonna say what I think you're gonna say. YOU'RE FIRED TOMORROW, GODDAMN IT. - her screaming made my ears ring. - So, my dear, what have you been doing outside of work hours?

- I was out on a date with my boyfriend, Parker Peter, editor-in-chief, meme. - and I got myself into this mess.

What am I supposed to do? Either get on my knees and beg Parker to play along, offering money and property, or try to seduce him into making the fiction true. The latter should not be difficult, for he himself has been hitting on me, though his motives are understandable.....

- I never thought I'd lose my virginity like this. But whatever happens, I can't lose my job! - While I was clenching my fists and holding back my tears, a new thought came into my head. - Wait, isn't that the kind of logic that hentai characters use...? Has it ever done any of them any good...? Okay, it's definitely going to be different with me!

**Peter. There's a bar nearby with a lodge **

When I arrived at the expensively furnished bar with its languid red lights and wide sofas, I was a little surprised at what I saw. On one of the sofas in the arms of San-Hen, my future brother-in-law.....

- Waaaaaah.... She had brought a centimetre with her on the date and was measuring my height, Waaaah!... - sat a crying Arnold who was throwing himself from guy to guy. - Who does that, Ricardo?!

What did the Black Widow do yesterday that drove the usually super masculine Arnold to such a state? It wasn't just one metre.

- ... - Ricardo was even more enigmatic than usual and didn't open his mouth at all.

- Oh, my God! - I froze involuntarily when I realised he wasn't wearing his bandana. It was the first time I'd seen his long, lush hair sadly stagger as its owner was shaken by a hysterical bodybuilder.

- А... You... You've come... ?.. - Even Jude was out of breath, his smile gone. He sat sad, not lifting his head, looking for something in his glass.

- Hey, Alex, what's wrong with them? - I turned to the only guy who looked normal.

- Nothing... And you can call me Sasha, what's the difference now? - Who was the most traumatised and had clearly lost the will to live!

.....

The next half an hour we spent, considered, in silence, guys were drinking, I am underage, yes not a supporter. The atmosphere of utter despondency and despair reigned on the faces of the guys and no one wanted to talk. The first to open his mouth was, surprisingly, Ricardo:

- Women... Scary. - which didn't lighten the atmosphere at all.

- It's true, brother! - Arnold hugged him even tighter, making Ricardo's face turn blue. A familiar feeling for me, should I wish him strength or ask him to send my regards to Eroil? - That's it, I don't care, I'll be one of those! Jude! Teach me how to be yours!

Arnold now hung onto Jude, who dropped his gloom and emotion blossomed on his face.

- What "ours," huh?! - Of irritation and anger. Instead of his usual smile, his eye was now twitching restlessly. - You moron, do you know how many women I've been with?!

- You said you were a virgin. - Alexander said wryly.

- Shut your mouth, or I'll show you what it takes to be one of those. - Jude's eye is twitching so much I'm afraid it's gonna fall out.

Yeah, well, I guess their dates were a mess. I feel sorry for them, and I feel bad, because this show means nothing to me, and I want to get out of it as soon as possible, and they're so worried. Poor bastards.

- So, Pete, how was your date? You didn't turn into Hulk Breena, and it ended pretty well, huh? - Sang-hyun remembered me in an obvious attempt to squeeze some interest out of me.

- No, I did. I ended up with no trousers and a bad back. - It was really uncomfortable to sleep.

For the second time, silence hung in the room, but instead of dejection, the guys looked at me anxiously.

- Parker... - Ricardo halved the number of words. When he takes up sign language - it's worth sounding the alarm!

- How you holding up, man! - the inevitable happened, and Arnold's arms came round me.

- Hmm. Hmm... - Alex cried into his fist. - You're actually allowed to call me anything you want.... I'll allow it!

- ...Can I get you some tea? Or something to eat? - Jude smiled in a kindly manner again, and clapped me on the knee. - I'm sorry, you're hanging in there, and I'm going off on everyone like a lunatic. And you guys, I'm sorry too, please.

- It's okay, it happens. - Ricardo said a whole sentence without fades? A whole three-word sentence?! He's gonna use up a month's worth of languor!

- Ha-ha-ha-ha! - Arnold suddenly laughed and stopped hugging me, patting me on the shoulder instead. - I need to take you to the gym, to build up muscles like mine!

- After the show, let's fly to my homeland. Russian girls are nicer than American-... - Alex interrupted the proposal, casting a regretful glance at Arnold, which he waved away with a smile.

- Khem-khem, are you going to take my future brother to girls? - Sang-hyun on the other hand frowned. - Ha-ha-ha! Don't forget to bring me along to help him escape from Ami-Han and Sae-hee..!

- If you need an extra translator, you know who to go to. - Jude returned with the steak on a plate and handed it to me, following it with a cup of tea.

- Ricardo had never been to Russia..... - his languour is back! Oh, thank God.

- It's decided, as soon as we leave the show, the six of us will fly to the country of Kalashas and bears! - Arnold put his palm forward, which everyone clapped in agreement.

They seemed to have misunderstood something and thought my date was worse than theirs. However, thanks to this, instead of being discouraged, quarrelsome and angry, they are laughing, joking and smiling. So I'll play along.

*clap*

.....

After that, we chatted for a long time about different topics, each making fun of their own date without feeling discouraged anymore, and then we got to the topic of Sang-hyun's date with Penny tomorrow. The guys were actively giving advice and poking fun at their future brother-in-law when he answered them smugly. It wasn't a bad evening.