I am Peter Parker

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***

There are cold nights where it's nice to wrap yourself in a blanket and read or watch something on the couch or bed. There are warm nights, in which sometimes you want to wander through empty streets and admire the night lights, which they were not. However...

On none of these nights do I want to walk around the city in whatever the hell I'm wearing!

Seriously, when will these effects wear off already? A dozen minutes? An hour? A couple of hours? Before my body does any more crazy shit?

- Oh, my God!" the old lady closing the boutique shouted in my direction.

- That's just Peter to you, Kitten.... - she's in her eighties, isn't she? Well, at least her teeth won't get in the way when kissing, I suppose.

.....

The owner of the second hand shop, a diminutive old lady with huge glasses halfway down her face, dragged me inside as soon as she saw me.

- Oh, what has happened to you.... - she wailed as she walked over to the hangers.

- Just fell from heaven. - Rather come back from hell? Too bad you never got your head out of your arse.

- Oh, who robbed you. - Thank God the old lady's already got a fantasy about me and is sticking to it, shutting my self-loathing mouth.

A dozen minutes later, given the quickness of her years, she brought me clothes - light blue jeans and a yellow, fluffy jumper with a little pink elephant in lemon-coloured clouds.

- And my trunk is bigger. - ah, crack me, please. Preferably with something heavy so I'll pass out before tomorrow.....

- Sure, sure, the fitting room's that way. - God bless that old lady! I really hope her ignoring my ramblings isn't a sign of dementia....

At first I was surprised that my body obediently went into the fitting room, and then I remembered.... There's a mirror in there and everything fell into place. The clothes themselves were too big for me in places, the jumper hanging down to.... Haa. The proboscis. But the shoulders were as tight as my shoulders. The jeans, on the other hand, were a little too revealing for my taste, and the cut was obviously not straight.

On the way out of the fitting room a pair of house slippers was waiting for me, apparently the only shoes that I could find in my size.

- About the payment... - I spoke, hoping that my body would leave contact details and promise to pay later.

- How can you pay me if you were robbed and left naked?

- In kind. - It all started with a woman expecting coitus for food, and now I'm trading my body for clothes? What am I, the heroine of a mind-break hentai?

- Ho-ho-ho-ho. - So, what's with the evil laugh and the flash in the glasses?! Body, take it back now! -At this hour, we're closed, we can't work, so go home.

I realised from the sadness with which the old woman said goodbye to me that I'd avoided the sweat of my brow. I can say from experience that she is the kind of employer who makes you want to cry when you get home, but you can't, because there is no energy left.

.....

One good thing about my situation is that I don't have a phone. Some might think that this is a bad thing, because I can't call anyone to help me, to take me away from this not very pleasant neighbourhood. However, these people would be sorely mistaken, for.....

- Ohhhh! - my fucking body stops by every car, like a dog, to make faces, to shoot my eyes, at the reflection.

So I'm sure that instead of calling for help, the last thing I'd do before my battery goes dead would be to take selfies with the number five thousand three hundred and one, that way at least I'm moving....

- Ohhhh! - but damn it, why do I have to stop at every single one?!!

- Excuse me, but what are you doing? - as you'd expect, there was someone in one of the parked cars.

- Finally, a welcome sighting! - Stop?! Was there a plan behind this nonsense?!

The blonde woman who had rolled down her window looked at me with great scepticism, glanced around, and then returned her gaze back in my direction with a raised eyebrow and lowered corners of her lips.

- Do you have information for me? - Of what? Who she works for, if she's asking questions like that?

- Naturally. - My flippant tone made the blonde in the leather jacket tense up. - My sources tell me we're meant to be together.

- ...

- ...

- ...I'm sorry, I guess that article really threw me off, so I've been hearing all sorts of rubbish in my head.... - So she's a journalist? You can breathe a sigh of relief that she's not a mobster or something. - Can you say that again?

- That we're meant to be together? Sure, I'll say it as many times as my Kitty wants me to.

- What are you, a drug addict? - Worse!

The blonde with lush hair squinted at me from the driver's seat for a while, then with a cluck of her tongue she pressed a button on the dashboard and opened the passenger door.

- Drug addict or not, this is clearly not your neighbourhood. Get in, I'll take you to the nearest police station.

- Sure, Kotyo-...-just as I started to get in, the girl killed my friendly smile with a cold stare.

- Let's not do this, okay? - Despite the fact that my body nodded, I'm still sure that it will take up its old ways as soon as the car starts to move. - Oh, right, I forgot to introduce myself, Edna Brock, nice to meet you?

- Peter, your future husband. - Haa. My mistake, she didn't even turn the ignition key.

.....

- Ughhhh. - The blonde has been sitting behind the wheel annoyed for a couple of minutes now, scratching her teeth against each other. Reason?

- Kitten, why don't you believe in the sincerity of my feelings? - The reason is the fucking jerk in the seat next to her who's showering her with compliments. I'm not talking about her, I'm baring my teeth.

- I'm not fifteen. I just met her five minutes ago. Free cheese only comes in mousetraps. I've got a lot of work to do.

- I'm sixteen, which means I can do it. One second is enough for love. Nothing's free, especially when the price is your heart. And I've got a lot to do, but isn't love meant to brighten up the day?

Suddenly the car slowed down with a sharp noise of tyres rubbing together. There goes my tongue, now I'm going to get kicked out of the car, in the middle of Harlem, at night in a yellow jumper with an elephant and no money.

- K-Kitten? - Yeah, judging by Brock's pissed-off look, I'd have to waddle through neighbourhoods that weren't even safe to walk through during the day.

- See that club over there. - She pointed to the building behind me with the Harlem Paradise sign on it, which looked like a crack house even from the outside.

- Yeah, you want to go there on our first date? - and someone's not discouraged at all, huh?

- Hmm? - Oh, a smile that bodes trouble. Girl, can you please go back to the angry look, huh? - You're saying you like me, aren't you? No, not like that. That you love me, right? Then you should have no trouble proving it, am I right?

I told you to go back to the angry look, not to smile even wider! Why doesn't anyone ever listen to me...?

.....

- Well, like, I'm, like, twenty-one, like, so, like, let me in, eh?

- No ID, no entry. Ah!

- What did you say? Oh, what's with the faces? Ah!

- Hello, Kittens, can I come in?

- M-m-m-m-m-m-m... - the woman who could have taken me in her arms and thrown me to the third floor with her height and muscles, suddenly mumbled.

- Sweetie! Like kyayayayayayayayayay!

- Kyaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! - No, of course I expected people in the crowd to be outraged or shouting because I cut the queue, but why go straight to ultrasound?!

.....

Before my ears were bleeding, they let me in without asking my age or ID. The club was a... Well, a club, I guess? Loud music with high beats to get into a state of flow, dimmed lights for intimacy, a bar to loosen up, and a dance floor to consolidate all of the above. Ah, it's also dirty, rubbish, bags, gum and stains everywhere.... Is Bomjara here too? I recognise her handwriting, anyway.

Anyway, my job was just to get into the club and that's it, so..... Haa, why am I going to the bar?

- Kitten, what's up? - I greeted a sporty black girl with short black hair.

- ... - she ignored me as she served other customers.

- Kitten?

- Lucy, there's a guy asking for you. - in a whisper, considering the club, one of the girls behind the counter said it was me.

- No, he's looking for a Kitten, do I look like someone you can call that, eh? Ha-ha-ha... - laughing heartily, she went to the next customer at the right end of the counter. Yeah, apparently the caretaker wasn't the only one who wasn't very good at his job.

- Erm... H-Hello? - the girl who was telling the bartender about me suddenly spoke to me. Short bouffant hair, freckles, emerald eyes, and an overly revealing red dress where you can even see she's not wearing a bra. - W-want me to order for you?

- No. I'm not 21, so I can't drink. - not that you should start after twenty-one.

- Damn, girl, you're a pick-up artist. - There was a voice behind her.

- Erm. This is my friend.

- We don't need names, he won't remember it anyway. - waved at me with a light-headed girl with light blonde hair and piercings in her nose and lip.

- Salute, Kittens, I'm Peter, and I always remember the names of pretty girls. - like... I want to-- Roll. Eyes!

- Oh, really? - The girl with the piercings smiled, not really believing my words. - By the way, if not to order yourself a drink, then why did you ask Lucy? - I wondered why my body needed a barmaid.

- Wanted to suggest a tee with me and one of my kittens. - ...

- ...

- ...

- Speaking of which. - no! Don't even think about it!!! - You two, me one, maths, which is just the way I like it.

- Bhmmmm! - The redhead choked on her cocktail and then blew back into the tube, making it fly out of the glass.

- А?.. - The russet on the other hand started to lose her giddy look, clearly blushing.

Haa... Where to start, why is what's happening wrong? The fact that I don't know these girls, not even their names? Which may not be morally good, but it's much worse in terms of the prospect of meeting the very same doctor. But I'm not, like, alone yet, there's Brock waiting for me outside, who I've been showering with compliments and words of love all the way! Seriously, if they had put the effects of incontinence and agoukas on me instead of speech, I'd feel better, less ashamed and less disgusted.

- Well, you can't just go and- - The redhead waved her hands from side to side and looked round the ceiling with her eyes.

When as her friend, said only one word uncertainly:

- Let's go.

As my body nodded and the girls went to get their things, I found myself a little puzzled at how easy it was to pick up beautiful girls in this world. You don't have to grope them, listen to them, wait for the moment, you just have to offer.

It made me think of Flash and how unconditionally she'd gone wah-wah in our brief relationship.

It reminded me of what I'd heard from Silver and Rogue, that harems were commonplace in this world.

From all of this, although on the outside I was smiling, satisfied and energised to continue the evening, on the inside I wondered:

"Does love exist in this world? Can it exist in a world where to be with someone you just have to be? No effort, no work, no concessions, not even fidelity..."

- So, you haven't changed your mind? - The redhead turned to me, regretting the question.

- No. But let's go out through the back door, I don't want to hurt my Kitten outside.

- I see." The redhead winked playfully at me and wiggled her jean-skirted arse, inviting me to follow her.

And I did. Off went my body as I continued to think about the other girls in my life. About Penny, Mary Jane, my first love in this world, so to speak, and Rogue - would they really agree to the kind of treatment my body was showing towards these two strangers, Brock?

Even though I've only known Rogue for a short time, and I haven't met my first love since elementary school, they've both left a good impression of themselves, so I'd want them, as well as Penny, to be happy and truly loved, not like this....

- Wait, your wristband. - suddenly, the barmaid stopped me while the girls went to call/catch a taxi. - Be careful...

Whispering a warning, she put a sheet in my hand that read as follows:

- "This is Scorpia and Electro. If anything happens, call therefore number ***-***, and ask for Lucy Cage."

At Lucy's intense and serious look, I responded with an air kiss and a wink, hurrying after the Supervillains. I wonder if they're female versions of male characters, or female versions of female characters? Otherwise this world works well too weirdly at times, like a damp fanfic...