I am Peter Parker

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***

- He's my soul mate, you know, Bunny? ~~

Holed up at Ria Richards' house, the Fantastic Four were all mopping up Joanna's grief after her heartbreak.

- POOR, POOR, POOR THING.

- I'm sorry, Bunny, I can't tell from your voice whether you're being sarcastic or comforting...? - Firefly drunkenly glanced in the direction of the golem.

- EMM... DEPENDS ON WHETHER YOU'VE MET ANY HOT GUYS RECENTLY.

- What guys?! I don't need anyone but Peter, and he's-uwaaaah!...

- THEN I'LL REASSURE YOU.

.....

- Bhmrmmm. Peter... Not there, Naughty~

- How much did she drink? - Taking the beer cans away from her sister's face as she sat on the table, Sue asked.

- A CAN, MAYBE HALF A CAN?

- She's that drunk from one beer?! - Sue froze with a sack full of empty beer cans in her hands. Then waved them towards Bunny with a question: - Wait, where did that come from?!

- I HAVE NO IDEA. - After putting the finished can in the bag, Bunny opened the next one.

- Oh, you poor thing.... - Covering Joanna with a blanket, from the next room, Riya came out with the others. - Why does she have such bad luck with blokes, eh? - She put her elbow on her hand and her jaw on her palm, freezing in the pose of a caring older sister.

- Which one of us is lucky? - Sue sneered, tired of Joanna's behaviour.

- Well, some of us don't need blokes. I personally prefer the mechanisms.

- HOW VULGAR, HA!

- Huh?" Ria stared at her best friend with genuine incomprehension. When she realised what she meant, she blushed and shook her head. - No-no, I didn't mean that!!!!

- Yes, don't worry, we all understand.... - Sue said in a calm tone, causing the agitated scientist to exhale. - It's always at hand, it doesn't require any care, you don't have to wait for recharging, you just have time to change the batteries.

- Y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y! - Along with embarrassment, Ria's face began to boil with rage. - You're annoying!

Suddenly, Ria's neck shot upwards, straight towards the ceiling.

*Bang*

- Awww... - Which ended in a collision between her head and a beam anchored four metres high.

.....

- Ouch... - Plastering the bump, Riya turned her crying face to her recently laughing friends. - So who broke our Joanna's heart this time?

- No reason. - Sue began, opening a can of beer with a bit of gusto. - The guy who saved her.

- And what did he do?

- Well. - realising that after two sips of the light beer she was starting to get tipsy, Sue set the can down on the table, cursing her genes. - He'd rejected her first... Although, given the circumstances, I don't blame him.

- Circumstances?

- Well... She, as usual, crossed the line between sweet girl in love and obsessed broad by confessing her burning appearance... Also the choice of words and intonation was, to say the least, not great....

- WAIT, WERE YOU THERE? JOANNA DIDN'T TELL ME THAT.

- I was, but secretly. Does it matter? - Ria and Bunny gave her the typical sister-lover look, and waved their heads. - I'm not that easy to piss off, you know? Okay, he also kissed a guy in front of her, claiming he was dating him.

- So he's gay?

- AHH, THERE'S A SHORTAGE OF MEN, AND THE JUICIEST ONES GO TO OTHER MEN.

- I don't think he's gay, the kiss was probably a reaction to a fire elemental coming on to him and making manic speeches about loving him. And what makes you think he's "juicy"?

- I MEAN, JOANNA LIKED HIM. ISN'T HE HANDSOME?

- I mean, I mean, he's not ugly, but--

- Wow, so juicy that even you liked him?

- YEAH, NOT UGLY IS THE BEST THING YOU'VE EVER SAID ABOUT GUYS. I GUESS OUR GATHERING IS NOT JUST ABOUT JOANNA'S HEARTBREAK, IT'S ABOUT ONE MORE THING....

- I thought so too! - Exchanging cheerful smiles, Bunny and Riya followed by shifting their gazes towards Sue. The smiles disappeared.

- What's the matter? Why are you all tense all of a sudden? Relax, didn't I tell you I'm not that easy to piss off?

- WE JUST THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT.

- ...that creepiness was a family trait.

.....

- Anyway. - putting away the kindly serial killer face, Sue switched on her smartphone and handed it to her friends. - This is what he looks like.

- He's...

- NOTHING...

- Yeah, just nothing...

- THE POOR THING WAS DESPERATE. - For the first time, you could hear the pity in Bunny's voice for Joanna.

- Wait a minute, he's involved in the grooming for the Avengers? - Ria asked in surprise, despite the fact that she was looking at the official project page with the participant's profile.

- I know, this year it will be easy to guess who will be the first to fly out.

- That's true, but that's not what I mean... I know where he is now.

- Brr-What?! You know where Peter is?! - Joanna suddenly jumped up from her not-so-neck-friendly bed-table.

- Well, yes, they're filming a mutant episode at Xavier's school.

- It's time for me to come clean again! - Standing up on the former bed and now podium table, Joanna threw her fist in the air.

- Are you sure this is the best time for a second confession. - Pulling her sister away, Sue was the first to come to her senses.

- Of course, I'm sober and I have a brilliant plan. - Staggering over and winking at her friends, Joanna took advantage of her friends' perfect sobriety by convincing them to do something stupid.

.....

Taking advantage of the Jumper, the heroines arrived at a location near the school. Preparing to listen to the ingenious plan. The idea of asking about it didn't occur to them, even during the flight, but a few crows were accidentally swallowed by the turbines.

- The plan is: Bunny goes all out, smashing and breaking; I go all out, setting fire to it and blowing it up; Sue goes all out invisible and stuff....

- "Invisible"?

- Don't get too hung up on the details, they're hard to follow. But Ria.

- I'm going in hard?

- ...If you want, you can go through with it, although I was planning on you getting Peter out for me under the radar.

- Am I to understand that you want to break into the mutant school with a fight? - ruffling her hair, Sue gave her sister an annoyed look.

- Girls, if I call my friend we're already empty-. - Ria started, as...

*♪ Breaking through the fence wall ♪

- COME ON, LET'S GO! - The drunken golem began to execute his brilliant plan.

No sooner had two of the three stared at her in shock, and the last to join in, than they were all overcome by a violent blizzard. It subsided after the shouting:

- Ah, it's you... - A blonde woman landed from the sky, next to the four. It was Thunderstorm. - Now's not a good time for a visit, girls. The school was attacked about half an hour ago. You can see the footprints. - Thunderstorm pointed towards the wall that Bunny was trying to fix in a hurry, the sight of which made the mutant raise an eyebrow in incomprehension.

- The attack, is anyone seriously hurt? - Ria asked worriedly, the first to come to her senses.

- Thankfully not, however...

- However?

- There was a kidnapping.

**Peter. About half an hour ago.

Within seconds of the explosion, our guards were quickly pinned to the wall with metal shackles. Then a woman dressed in red, wearing a cape and helmet, followed by two more jumped in through a hole in the building.

- Charlise has not prepared you at all. - she addressed the mutants in a bass voice.

- Ah, what lovely girls... - a green-skinned woman with a long tongue approached them, apparently to supervise them.

- You! - while Magneto, well, I suppose Magneto, addressed us. - Humans have always put mutants down to nothing.

- Rgghhhh... - The second woman, tall and with a big, shaggy hair like a lion, growled towards the film crew, making them all shiver with fear.

- But the worst of men have always been you men! - Magneto turned to me and the guys, who were also shaking with fear after hearing the feminist's contact status. And I understand them, scary people they can be. - The defiance of your species, the way you look down on us, thinking you're the crown of evolution, even though you're only proud of that ugly outgrowth between your legs!

- God, Magneto's the feminist in my world with superpowers. - of course, I couldn't keep my mouth shut.

- You! - Metal debris flew straight at my face, stopping just centimetres away. - I didn't understand half of what you said, but how dare you interrupt me? Have you no fear of me at all?!

A feminist with superpowers, well.

- Scared shitless, to be honest. - at this rate, my chances of survival are less than Thanos' snap.

- Good. - proudly, she made the wreckage fall at my feet. - We are here to teach a lesson and make mortals reckon with the true crown of evolution! And to do so, we will take one of you..... - like an old cartoon villain, though suggestive.

- Why not all of you? - I turned to her again. In response, all the others turned their incomprehensible glances in my direction.

- Erm... Ahem! There's no need for that, one is enough!

- But for what? If we were to teach a lesson, wouldn't a mass murder be better? There'd be more resonance. - now everyone's looking at me with sweat-covered foreheads, even Magneto's minions.

- Murder?! - the flying feminist grandmother shrieked in surprise. - No, we're here for kidnap and ransom.

- Ah, all right then. Although for your purposes, mass murder would be better. - because you talk about class and stuff, but it's all about money.

- It'll be you, Han Sang-hyun! - iron bars scorched his hands.

- No, please don't! - He was then lifted into the air, frightened and struggling with all his might, only to injure himself.

- Why him? - Sang-hyun is a good guy, why is that evil woman with pink hair or a pink scarf on her hair picking on him?

- The idol of a band that's popular all over the world.... Who could do better, for example! - Wasn't it all about money a few seconds ago?

- Wasn't it all about money a few seconds ago? If so. I'll get paid more.

Everyone stared at me again, and although their eyes were wary, they were different from the last time. Sang-hyun, on the other hand, froze in place.

- Why all of a sudden? - Magneto tossed to me indifferently, lifting Sang-hyun up.

- Well, apart from the fact that I am handsome, intelligent, good-looking, charismatic, attractive, funny, a standard of beauty, modest and charming in appearance.... - at this point in my speech, the looks changed to annoyed. - I was chosen by Stark herself, sure that Kitten was willing to pay for me because of love, or just a sense of responsibility.

Hearing my words, Magneto glanced towards the film crew, asking a mute question, received a timid nod from Useless confirming my words, followed by a smile forming on the supervillain's lips. And so in the end, I took Sang-hyun's place, thrown down from a height not high enough to hurt much.