I am Peter Parker

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***

** Teresa Stark**

There was a moody atmosphere in the dressing room, which perfectly illustrated - how much the girls were anticipating meeting their future groomsmen.

First there will be an introductory stage, in which each of us will wish good luck to our candidate, talking rubbish in response to the reasons for their choice. Next, they will face trials, and then dates with the Avengers. At the end of each round of dating, one of the contestants will leave the project.

Well. Scumbag's gonna make it through the rounds, so don't worry about that. After all, he's quite the player. And then there's the dating rounds. They'll finally understand why I chose him, see his fake manipulative nature.

- Terry. - I still remember that look of utter disgust when Steph approached me. - Schoolboy? Really...

Whoever his puppeteer is, I'm sure she'll go all in. Still, it's not every time you get the chance to catch all the Avengers, especially when one of them seems to have already been caught.

It's the perfect plan. So get ready, Peter Parker, I'm going to expose you!

The sign in the dressing room lit up, announcing our exit queue.

.....

- Nice to finally meet you. - said the guys.

- And us. - said the girls.

- Um. - I was the only one feeling pretty lost. - Where's m-my?

And my problem was that unlike the others, there was no one standing in front of me. In my candidate's place was a void.... Could it be that he's wearing a stealth suit or carrying superpowers?

- Well... - the director spoke uncertainly. - Sort of... The guy took the money. Yeah, the first one in four seasons, and he was glowing with joy and shook hands with everyone on the set to thank them....

...

...

...What?

- WHAT?! - Okay, we need to calm down. I don't want the others to think the wrong thing. -GET HIM BACK, NOW!

**To a smiling, happy Parker.

Ahh~

Fate smiles on good people after all. I took in a disgusting homeless man in my house and now, karma has rushed to work and gave me the opportunity to close the debt.

- And life is getting better!

I no longer have a problem with my orientation, because now I have a girlfriend. My sister, believing in my playboy nature, will be wary of introducing me to her friends. Now I'll hurry to meet my former boss, pay her back the money and say goodbye to the con artist. Then I'll finally be happy again.

- Wait a minute! Peter Parker, wait! - I heard the voice of the girl who brought me here, Ripley.

As a responsible adult living my second life, there was only one responsible decision I could make....

- Stop! Don't run away!

After all, I did check with them several times to see if I could actually take the money.

.....

- GHAAAAAAAAAAAA....

Unfortunately that wasn't enough for me for long. Damn, I knew I should have run in the mornings!

By the way, why can't I hear heavy breathing behind me? I mean, she was screaming at me all the way to my stop.

- ... - As I turned round, I saw a corpse lying head down against the pavement.

....

- So, I'm asked to go back, but why? I got out fair and square! Or what, you want your money back?! - I hugged the suitcase tight.

- No, no, no, listen. Anyway, the producer of the channel will definitely meet us halfway and you'll still have the money.... - Oh, I don't like the future tense in promises. - Other than that, if you really don't want to be on the show, even though it's weird, just act a bit of an arsehole on a date, that's all.

Given that I'm a born gentleman, am I capable of treating girls inappropriately?

**Parker's apartment**

- Eek!

Watching TV in a towel, Silver, fresh out of the bath, was sitting comfortably on the sofa Peter had bought her not too long ago. Her slightly damp, firm, and engorged thighs rested against the comfortable, soft fabric, leaving wet spots on it.

- When he comes home, I'll kill the bastard..... - Opening a foaming can of Coke, Silver Sable said.

** Back to Parker**

Yeah, I think I can. Something makes me want to be rude all of a sudden, but why would I?

There's just one question that remains.

- Do I have to?

- What do you mean? You get both the money and the chance to be the Avengers' husband.

- Well. I already have the money. So, again, what do I want?

There was silence for a few minutes, judging by the expressive facial expressions on Ripley's face, she first got the meaning of what was said, and then she tried to think of an answer.

- But they're beautiful, smart, rich, superheroines and generally every man's dream! They can protect you from everything and provide you with everything!

- Sounds great. - I said with the cutest smile. - Okay, I gotta go. - and turned around and walked away.

- WAAAAA! Wait, please come back! - Like a jilted girl in a melodrama, Ripley cried sitting on her knees on the cold, although it was warm outside, so on the warm pavement.

Honestly, even the show itself seems silly to me. Relationships and feelings may be possible to find in a couple of weeks, but under the glamorous spotlight, with staged situations - I don't think it's realistic. So to participate in such a silly show, what's the point? If it had all sorts of tests of fortitude and stuff, water slides for example, it could at least be fun.

- Parker!

Plus, given what I said about the money being in the future tense, it's likely to be taken away for a while, as a guarantee that I won't leave early. And I'd like to pay off my debts and live my life in peace.

- YOU CAN'T LEAVE LIKE THIS!

Man, her shouting is starting to embarrass me, every passerby is giving me judgemental looks. Yet another reason not to participate. I mean, it's probably a popular show, if the Avengers are on it, that means I'll have millions of eyes staring at me, and given the editing and the superiority of the other guys, they'll let me go before the comic relief. And I'm not some walking joke...

No, I'm serious.

- Hmm! Please, I'll get sacked. - Ripley, exhausted, couldn't even scream, so I barely heard the last sentence.

So she gets sacked, so what? Is that my problem? Why should I agree to something I don't want to do just so someone else can keep their job? Even if it's her favourite one, considering how hard she's worked.

- Haaah. All right, let's go back. - With thoughts of sending everyone away and telling me to go home with the money, I walked over to a roaring Ripley. - Get up, I'm not pulling your arm, and I'm not giving you a handkerchief.

- Of course, I didn't expect to. Who carries a handkerchief these days? - Ripley, clearly cheerful, began to play the newborn fawn as she rose to her feet.

- Well, I do carry a scarf. - Besides emphasising my gentlemanly nature, it's a handkerchief for wiping myself when I need it. - It's just you've got such a giant snot on your face, I'm afraid I can't wash it off.

- Hey! You don't have to be so blunt! - The blonde started wiping her face, or rather, smearing tears, snot, and drool all over it. From the pleasure that came to my throat, I turned away.

....

- So you're saying all I have to do is misbehave on a date and I'm free and loaded? - On the way back, I struck up a conversation. After a bit of thinking, I decided that I'd just try not to stand out, and I didn't think it would be too hard, and I'd end up being the guy no one would ever remember.

- Yeah, like an arsehole. I think it's gonna be pretty easy for a guy. - and what's that supposed to mean? - Oh, I'm sorry, did I offend you?

- Not at all. - I smiled at her. - Okay, I'm going home. I promise that the next time I randomly meet you on the street, I'll be sure to throw you a couple of coins even if you're asleep.

- PLEASE DON'T GO!

** Back to Parker after tears, snot, drool **. You remember.

- Well if you want to know which Avengers are the easiest to take out, it's Breena, the Hulk. - why am I not surprised? - Oh, and yeah, I didn't mean she'd turn into the Hulk and stomp you, though. I wouldn't dismiss the possibility of that.

Ripley continued to speak, but her voice was drowned out by the beeping in my head, followed by a rumble and a siren. But I wasn't the only one who heard them, for Rayanne's face froze in fright, and a shadow loomed over both of us.

- MONEY! - came the mechanical voice of a huge rhinoceros robot.

- No." I clutched at the suitcase.

- Give it to her! You shouldn't have been walking around with a transparent suitcase full of money in plain sight in the first place!

- If your film crew had been prepared for someone to take the money, I wouldn't have walked around with it!

- I'd buy a bag!

- For one cent?!

- So you-

*Bam!

The robot rhinoceros smashed the car next to him with his fist.

- OKAY, YOU GOT ME. NOW I'M GONNA TAKE THE MONEY AND I'M GONNA TAKE YOU TOO!

- Or maybe you should just take her. - patted Ripley on the shoulder. - Yeah, she's not tough, she's a crybaby, she's rude, she's not very bright. Wait, how did you even get hired? You're so useless, you're not even good for kidnapping.

- THAT'S IT!

The robot rhinoceros grabbed me and dragged me somewhere. I never thought I'd ride a rhino, albeit a robotic one, but it's quite an exhilarating experience. Not as exciting as a water slide, though. Hell, maybe we should go to a water park sometime. But then I'd have to go to the shop and get a bathing suit. Oh, I don't like shopping for clothes.

- HA-HA-HA-HA, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR TONGUE?!

- Hey, do you think they'll let me in the water park in my swim trunks?

- OF COURSE NOT, THEY'LL COME OFF EASILY. STOP! WHERE DID THAT QUESTION COME FROM?!

- Oh. - life is still pain. - Oh, ice-cream parlour, slow down for a second.

- I'M NOT A TAXI!

- Of course you're paying for a taxi, lol.

- WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?! - Haa... Another rude girl, I've had a lot of luck with them lately.

- What's that supposed to mean, eh? I'm not the one kidnapping people here!

- YOU REMEMBER, DON'T YOU?!

- Have you?

Suddenly, the robot slowed down.

- OK. OK. FUHHH... OK, GIVE ME THE MONEY AND YOU CAN GO, I'M KIND TODAY.

Seeing no reason to refuse such a good offer, I took out my wallet from my pocket and handed it to her.

- ...

- ...

- ..?

- You know, my arm's going to cramp up like this. Take it or leave it. That's 20 quid, easily enough for two cones.

- WE'RE NOT BUYING ICE CREAM.

- Oh. - life is pain.