I am Peter Parker

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***

- Number thirty-five, please come in.

Hmm... Where am I?

Why is everything around me bright and am I standing in a weird queue of guys and girls in white? Is the receptionist behind the desk wearing wings?

-... - it's not that I wasn't surprised or didn't realise what was going on. But I love queues. Standing and waiting for something when you don't have to do anything or be in a hurry, what could be more pleasant in the world?

- Huh? New guy? You must have a lot of questions, right? - The man standing in front suddenly turned to me and spoke with a smile.

- No... Not really. Besides, the queue's about to move so we shouldn't get distracted.

- ? L-okay. - the man stared at me with an unreadable expression, but I didn't care. I'm not going to let anyone take up my lovely, free time in a queue of people wanting to talk about the weather.

Jesus, mate. It's as clear as the sun out here. What else is there to talk about?

.....

- Number ninety-seven.

Unfortunately, the most wonderful times tend to come to an end quickly. Before I knew it, six hours had passed and it was my turn.

- Please excuse the wait, you're directed to the office... О... - that "oh" was not a good one. - Room seven, ha-ha-ha-ha. - and nervous laughter? Am I in for an engineering class? Or ancient philosophy?

- Erm... I'm sorry, is there something wrong with room seven?

- Well. The thing is, the owner of this room. a little... - At the end, her voice trailed off and I couldn't hear the last part.

- A little?

- Fucking pervert! Lascivious and shameless!

- Stop! You're wrong! - my pride as a man could not allow these accusations to continue!

- What?! You don't know anything!

- I do! And you're wrong! Your words hurt my ears! To hear such a thing from a girl in your position is a torment! - Under the weight of my speech, the fury on the secretary's face was replaced by shame, and the wings drooped. - Using synonyms in accusations is silly, much less inserting an 'and' between them, it sounds unjustified and ridiculous, don't you think? - Any official whose job involves dealing with people should have a proper and proper speech. So, as a man, I reckon 

- Huh? Is that what you were concerned about? What? Huh?

"God, this is worse than it looks..." - deciding not to agonise any further, I left the girl with wings in the hope that one day she would make a fine employee. Come on, you can do it, I believe in you!

-Office seven-

For some reason, the room reminded me of a doctor's office. It seemed to be a wide room that looked cramped because of the furniture, it seemed to have white walls, but because of the mouldering posters and brochures, it seemed somehow dirty. And the owner of the office looked at my questionnaire for a long time, as if stretching the time.

- And so, your name.

- Protagonist.

- What kind of a strange name, Latvian?

- No. Greek. "Prota" means author and "Gonist" means lazy. - "Author's laziness" - what a random string of words, God only knows what it means.

- Okay. How did you die?

"Did I die?" - I wanted to ask, but the last events of my life flashed before my eyes so that I could be convinced of my own demise.

- Breaking my greatest taboo. - Yes, I should have expected nothing less. After all, I had committed a terrible sin.

- You have?

- As a follower of a certain way of life, I've been reckless and self-righteous. - With every word I said, the sweat on the forehead of the bald man in the tunic dripped more and more, and his eyes were bloodshot with tension and ready to burst. - I-I... - that's a hard thing to admit. - I went outside.

- ...

- ... - yeah, I know. It takes time to accept something like that. To accept someone with principles.

- ...

- ...My sister invited me to a wedding and instead of saying no, I went out that day. She said the real world isn't scary, it's full of interesting things. Well, who was right in the end, huh? - realising that my life had been righteous all this time, I couldn't help but smile to myself.

- Erm... But... How? I mean. Did you get hit by a car? Did you meet a maniac? A wild chipmunk? What else?

- A spruce tree fell on me. As I was walking out of my driveway on the first of April, nearly slipping on the ice, a Christmas tree fell on me. Apparently the upstairs neighbours were too lazy to remove it the usual way and decided to just throw it off the balcony. - Not that I blame them, but they could have at least taken the toys and lights off.

- I see... - the man in the tunic got serious and continued reading my file. - What?! It says here that you died a virgin! What?!

- Does it matter? Especially in the context that I died.

- Of course it is! That explains why you were sent to me! I know what world I'll send you to when you're reborn! - he spat vigorously during his speech, splattering all the papers with saliva, but he seemed happy.

- Erm... Reincarnation? Can I go to heaven? It's like peace and stuff, so...

- Bollocks! You don't need peace, you need a harem of beauties, boy! Big-breasted milfs and stroppy lollies! who'll call you brother, master, and ultratracher! All the women of the new world!

- Hmmm... Firstly, as someone who has, I mean had, a sister, I can say that I can't imagine seeing real sisters as more than relatives, to me it seems impossible at all. Secondly, I'm not into BDSM or bondage, so I won't be a master. And thirdly, Ultratracher sounds stupid, I don't want to be called the same thing as the schoolboy nicknames in Dock Two. So can I go to heaven or something?

- Shut up and don't ruin the roller! I'll make you happy! I'll make you have a harem! Even against your will!

Apparently my arguments weren't enough and a white light began to glow beneath me. Must be a portal? Okay, there's nothing I can do about it....

.....

There's a bright white spot in front of my eyes and nothing else. Was there a misunderstanding and I'm going to heaven after all? That would be nice. Peace, probably in heaven and lots of books. I'd definitely like that...

- Hey, I've been thinking! The universe will revolve around you! I mean, you're a little passive and you're not the kind of guy who likes to hit on other people's women.

- Maybe I shouldn't. - frankly, too much attention is not for me. I'd rather sit in a corner and gamble with an active social life.

- Oh, don't be modest! Plus that's not all! So that you don't have any problems at all, I'll give you a system!!!

- ... - At least I'll be able to see my progression in skills. Because sometimes it's hard to keep trying when you're not sure you're growing on yourself. So maybe that's a good thing?

- All right, have a good trip. Go fuck a lot of women out there, all right?!

The lights went out and I was born.

Characteristics

Strength (determines your physical skills such as: ability to lift weights, stamina, strength of body and punch, etc.) - 1.

Dexterity(determines your physical characteristics such as: running speed, body flexibility, etc.) - 1.

Intelligence(determines the capabilities of your mind and thought, has an effect on memory) - 12

#Hidden Characteristic# - fulfil a certain condition to get access to it.

1 - minimum limit; 2-5 - extremely weak; 6-8 - below average; 9-12 - average; 13-15 - above average; 16-19 - genius; 20 - the limit of human capabilities.

Skills

No.

** Sixteen years later**

Hard to believe, but the worlds distributor was right, I'm really happy in this world and I can create whatever I want. Who would have thought it would turn out to be so great? I'm not even tired of all this grace.

- It's-it's my first time. And-and I'm not quite sure how to do it?

- Don't worry, you're not the first person to tell me that. I'll teach you everything. And yes, you don't have to squeeze it so hard. - I can't help it, she's nervous and it's her first time, after all. But I need to teach her how to handle it before it's too late.

- I'm sorry. Did it hurt?

- Erm. Fill in the form from here, starting with first and last name, date of birth, also... - a little weird girl talking to a book. Well that's none of my business, the main thing is to show her how to fill out the client card and make sure she doesn't damage the volume by clutching it so tightly.

- I'm so glad I found this volume in your shop.

- Always happy to oblige.

Ah! Another not-so-busy day at the bookstore. It's hard to believe I've been working there for a year. Every day after school, I go straight here, leaving in the evening with a stack of free books and a few dollars in my pocket, isn't that the dream? It's also nice to have time to do my homework. Gosh, if I hadn't re-learned the curriculum in primary schools for high school, there might have been more than one problem waiting for me today.

- Ugh...Huh? What's wrong? - time, it's like it's frozen.

- I'M NOT HAPPY!!!

Suddenly a portal opened on the ceiling, revealing the face of the worlds distributor. I don't know what's wrong with him, but he's got veins protruding from his face. Well, I guess he's having trouble at work and needs to talk it out. I know.

- WHAT HAIRY ARMPIT ARE YOU STILL A VIRGIN?! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING?!

- Huh? Why is he so angry?

- IT'S THE MARVEL UNIVERSE, MARVEL.

- Really? - That explains a lot of the bookstore talk.

- AND THE ELEVENTH UNIVERSE IS FULL OF MODELS AND BABES FOR EVERY TASTE, AND THERE ARE FIFTEEN TIMES AS MANY OF THEM AS THERE ARE MEN.

- Really?! - That explains why the clientele is all girls.

- AND THEY HAVE DOMINANT BEHAVIOUR IN RELATIONSHIPS! HOW ARE YOU STILL A VIRGIN?! WHY DO YOU THINK YOUR BOOKSTORE IS ALWAYS FULL OF CUSTOMERS?!!!

- They like the books?

- THEY WANT TO FUCK YOU!!!

- Really?! - That explains why everyone leaves their phone number when they sign up for a customer card, even though they don't have to. And I thought they wanted to get updates on deliveries....

- DO YOU PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT'S AROUND YOU?!

- How rude, I look both ways every time I cross the road!

- AND YOUR FEATURES!!!

- What's wrong with them? - Out of bewilderment, I even opened the character screen.

Characteristics

Strength - 8

Dexterity - 11

Intelligence 14.

#Hidden Characteristic# - fulfil a certain condition to gain access to it.

- WHAT GIANT NIPPLES ARE YOU STILL WITHIN HUMAN LIMITS?! YOU'RE BARELY AVERAGE BY ANY MEASURE. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR STRENGTH?! - Who needs strength in today's world? - AND WHY HAVEN'T YOU DISCOVERED ANY OF YOUR HIDDEN CHARACTERISTICS YET?! THERE ARE NINE, NINE OF THEM!!!

In response, I just shrugged my shoulders. Although I still don't really understand the reasons for his anger. Didn't he say what he wanted and that I needed to become happy? But I seem to be happy with my life today. Then what's the problem?

- AND SKILLS, YOUR SKILLS! IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS TITTY!!!

Skills

Microwave Master.

- I remember getting it by constantly managing to press the button a second before the bell rang, James Bond style.

Workaholic.

- And his when he changed part-time jobs like a glove, often finding himself on three or four at a time. Ah, the times.

Butler(not fully developed - recent modification of skills cooking, cleaning, laundry and customer slave)

- Apparently my preoccupation with domestic chores is paying off.

Handyman.

- AT LEAST YOU HAVE A LIBIDO, THANK YOUR BOUNCY ARSE.... А?!! IN THE NAME OF FLAT LOBES, WHAT FAT ON YOUR THIGHS HAVE YOU STARTED BUILDING A HOUSE OF CARDS?!!!!

- Well. I got kind of bored, and so. - I've been carrying around a pack of cards since I was a watchman, where I learnt how to build a house of cards.

-YOU'RE THE WRONG PROTAGONISTYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!