I Am Peter Parker (MARVEL AU)

Ignore the title.

Quick poll below, May in harem time or Nah?

Sweet Home Alabama Bitches! (Yes)

Y'all need God! (No)

Also, Wade Wilson... So expect some chaos. Enjoy

------

"Ryan Reynolds?!"

"Umm? Who? I'm Wade Wilson buddy. I do quick killings for quick cash." Wade said but suddenly his eyes widened in realisation. "But I do know that guy. Stupidly handsome and sexy. He likes to cosplay as me sometimes. Heard he's gonna get the third movie too. Honestly, he is the only person entire Hollywood that I'll allow to play me and certainly not Hugh Jackman!"

"...Are you okay?"

"...I am."

"Okay."

"Just kidding! I have a few screws loose in my head!"

"Oh. I noticed."

"Your eyes are sharp then!"

"Even a blind person would see that."

"Rude but whatever." Wade shrugged. "How did you know Ryan Reynolds? Do you also have visions from the universe?"

"What?" To say that Peter was confused would be an understatement.

"Apparently not. Forget it." Wade sighed in disappointment. "For yours and the collective sanity of the miscreants sitting at this asses at home and reading this, let's just move on or they won't have enough tape to fix the wall."

"What are you talking about?" Peter face-palmed with a groan. "I don't know who or what you are addressing but I'm pretty sure they wouldn't be very happy with your comments. Kindly shut it."

"Or what are you gonna do? Ravage me? My body is ready-"

"Or I'll borrow my friend's high heels and stomp hard on your nuts and make sure your bloodline ends with you."

"... I'm sorry."

"Good boy." Peter nodded. "Now Wade Wilson... what are you doing here?"

"Oh? I came here to investigate the idiots you just beat up."

"Why would an ex-special force member like you be interested in these third-rate, wannabe-be gangsters?"

"From the looks of it, some else has been investigating me." Wade said smugly. "I know I'm handsome but I'm not into dudes."

"You are pansexual."

"...You know too much." Wade said with a serious face. "You have to die."

"Anyways." Peter rolled his eyes. Peter picked up a steel pipe and walked in front of Wade who was smiled nervously. "Back to my question. Why is such an accomplished ex-special force operative interested in the waste of human society? Also, don't lie. I have heightened senses, so I know when someone is lying and if I find you do then you can kiss your balls and your life goodbye."

"I thought Spider-Man didn't kill?"

"What do you think spiders do? Spin a warm blanket for you and sing their prey's lullabies?" Peter tilted his head. "Also, you also know quite a bit about me. Considering I'm not well known. Yet."

"That's what you think buddy. Some people have their eyes on you or to be more specific, an eye on you." Wade said and Peter hummed. "Anyways to answer your question. I'm not interested in these critters."

"Then?"

"Told you, right? I'm basically an arm for hire or a sword for hire. Well, it's technically it should be a katana for hire or a dick-"

Peter slammed the pipe between Wade's leg and uncomfortably was close to his sack.

"Kyaah!" Wade screamed like a... Anyways. "I was hired to look into them! I promise! Geez... You almost gave me a heart attack."

"Last thing you need to be worried about is a heart attack. Science is my forté and even tho I don't have much practical experience I can probably perform neutering within a hitch." Peter threw the rod away and folded his hands. "Who hired you and why?"

"*Gulp*" Wade gulped looking scared. "That... That... That was hot."

"..."

"..."

"...ugh." Peter groaned.

"You don't sound so pleased." Wade smiled sheepishly.

"Cause I'm not!" Peter picked up a gun this time and emptied the clip between his legs.

"Ahhhhh! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I don't know her! I just know she works with the authorities!"

"A cop?" Peter questions.

"Could be a lawyer. I don't know man. I never meet her. Apparently, she is interested in the organisation these critters were working for." Wade said seriously this time. "A syndicate of criminals. Maggai as they call themselves."

Peter's eyes widened as he finally understood.

"Shit."

Peter let Wade out of the webbing and grabbed by the collar of his shirt.

"Come we need to get out of here."

"But why? I'll explain it you late-"

Peter's eyes widened as his senses went into overdrive. This wasn't as simple as a tingling alarm of danger. The world slowed down around him as Peter processed information at a much faster pace.

'A bullet has been fired. No gunshot sound, no one visible insight. Tracing the trajectory of the bullet. Fired from a higher altitude and from that building.' Peter deduced. 'A sniper.'

"Okay. Let's do this. Peter grabbed Wade by the neck and pulled him down as the time resumed its normal flow to him. The bullet just missed Wade's head. "Stay down!"

"What was that?!"

"A sniper!"

"Not that! That weird tingle thing that happened around your head?!"

"Wait what?! You can 'see' my spider-sense?!"

"Is that what you call it?! Spider-sense?!"

"Is this really the time to be discussing that?!"

"When is the time then?!"

"How about never o'clock and now we both just shut up and escape?!"

"Works for me! Race ya!"

Peter and Wade continued their banter while crawling and dodging bullets.

Peter grabbed Wade and jumped off the building.

"You idiot! We are gonna die! I should have asked someone to burn my stash!"

Peter just groaned and began swinging.

"My hero! We can fly! Be my dad-"

"Wade. Shut up or I'll drop you."

"..."

"Ugh... The Parker luck is working" Peter grumbled to himself.

------

Landing on the top of the empire state building Peter let go of Wade and sat against with his back against the wall.

"I've never been over here before. So romantic. We should totally be a couple."

"Wade."

"Yes?"

"Please jump of the building." Peter asked politely. "It's getting annoying. So please voluntarily do so before I'm forced to throw you."

"Wade promise to be a good boy now."

"I hope that it's true for your safety."

"What happened over there? Seriously?"

"Is this the first time you have encountered these people working for Maggai?"

"Hah. Hardly. I've been investigating these small groups for two weeks now. Why?"

"Please tell me you were stealthy when you did so."

"I was stealthy." Wade nodded. "As stealthy a marching band in the dead of the night."

"Ugh. Obviously." He should have known.

"What?"

"What do you mean by what?! They were expecting you. You have been hunting their guys down for the past few weeks of course they aren't going to sit back with their arms closed." Peter rubbed his forehead.

"How did they?"

"It's not that hard. You were an ex-special operative, you should know how it goes."

"Oh..."

"Come, we need to find your employer before they do."

"How would they know? Even I don't know who she is. You are just being paranoid." Wade patted his back to get Peter to chilly.

"First of all genius. You were not subtle at all during your investigation nor have you bothered to hide your face. They know who you are. Secondly, you aren't using a secure line." Peter said taking Wade's phone from him and waving it in Wade's face. "Just because you don't have the tools to trace a call does not mean that they don't have this tech either."

"Shit..."

"Exactly. Now if we don't go get her she's a toast." Peter urged. "Come now."

"But how are we going to find in this vast city. She could be anyone."

"Could be but is not. Your employer is an authoritative figure with a personal vendetta against Maggai and I just happen to know a person who fits the criteria." Peter smiled grabbed Wade and jumped off once again.

"Ohh? And who is it? The Mayor?"

"She's a cop." Peter sighed.

"Her name is Yuri Watanabe."