Husband of the Goblin Tribe

It was a few days after my spar with Nova in front of just about everybody that a bit of chaos crept into Goblinhome. Or, rather, was led directly to the clearing outside by Magpie. An eight-person adventuring party had come to deliver the supplies I had asked the Great Protector for some time ago. Having been an Adventurer myself, even if only for a short while, I could say with assurance that the party which had arrived was beyond unusual.

I had been upstairs at the time of their arrival, having spent the night with all of my orc war-brides, taking care of their… needs. Stella had been the one to come and fetch me, since both she and I were former adventurers and knew how to handle things diplomatically, if need be.

What awaited me out in the field was a curiously large party of eight. One tall human, one short dark-skinned dwarf, and six kobolds each with differently colored scaly exterior. The human was a male, the dwarf a female, and while not discernable to me by appearance, my dick was pretty sure every one of those kobolds were not only female, but also in heat.

“Hello!” the human male called out to me. “My name is Cobi and I’ve been asked by a mutual acquaintance to deliver some goods to a man named Ark within the Night Forest. Would that happen be you?”

“That’s me. Should be a delivery of seeds, correct?”

“Among other things. Is there a place you’d like me to unload them at? There is quite a lot of… luggage.”

“Yeah, the upper cave entrance is where our local guild is. You can all rest up there for the moment. I’ll have some food and drinks brought up there in a moment. Do your kobold companions prefer their meat cooked or raw?”

The six kobolds all looked at each other and nodded.

“Not rotten meat?” A lithe, white-scaled kobold asked in broken human tongue, speaking for the rest.

“Freshly hunted, I assure you.”

“We eat. Humie not eat raw meat. Need throw his on fire.”

“We also have plenty of options for cooked meat as well. I personally recommend the hamburger with ketchup.”

“Alright, I’ll have one of those, then.” The human man said, offering me a thumbs up before jerking it in the direction of the dwarf, who from lack of a beard I had to assume was a female. “So will she.”

Stella offered to keep them company while I headed to Melon’s Kitchen to ask her for a quick favor. I also secured two jars of drinks—only one of them fermented—and some cups, which I brought up with me in advance, along with a few other goblins. Prima (armed with Gob-dent), Vera, and Crow.

The party of adventurers were sitting at one of the long tables I had made together with Stella. Orga Lush was also present, probably keeping an eye on things since the second floor was still occupied by only orcs.

I placed the jars and cups on the table and let them know which one was the swill, and which one wasn’t. Only the human named Cobi went for the non-alcoholic red water. It was comedic to see the white and black kobolds quickly get into an argument over who got to fill their cup first.

“Nymfi get first cup since leader!” the white one growled.

“No! Nymfi always say that then drink whole cup before rest get first cup, then say need fill cup again two times!” the black one protested.

“Not Nymfi fault other kobolds pour slow!”

“Not other kobolds fault Nymfi not know how enjoy tasty drink slow!”

While that was going on, I took a moment to perform some necessary introductions.

“You said your name was Cobi, right?”

“Yes. I’m the Porter for the all-kobold Breath of Fire party.”

“Uh…”

He held a finger to his lips. Somehow, I got the impression that this guy’s situation wasn’t all that different from mine.

“…right. My name is Ark and I guess I’m the Guild Master for our local branch of the Goblin’s Guild. Next to me here is our strongest hunter as well as our leader, Prima. Her sister and also our Vice Guild Master, Vera. And this is our Head of Security and Logistics for Goblinhome, Crow. The young goblin who escorted you in is her daughter, Magpie.”

Cobi nodded and gestured at the Kobolds.

“The white is Nymfi, the party leader. The black is Trixie, red is Mandy, blue is Gnome, green is Silky, and Gold is Boggie.”

I noticed he left out naming the dwarf. When my eyes fell upon her, she shrugged.

“I’m Dara.”

“Pleased to meet you.”

“Should hope so. I came all this way t’be your wife.”

“Uh… come again?”

“Came t’be your wife. S’why I came along with this lot. Was told I’d get m’own mine here in exchange f’r marryin’.”

“And… who exactly told you that?”

She immediately reached into a pocket, pulling out a rolled-up piece of paper and handing it over to me. I immediately unfurled it, reading out loud what was written.

“The Lord of the Night Forest is looking for strong unmarried non-human woman willing to relocate to the Night Forest to establish both marriage and mining operations with local human magician in management of an untapped mountain. All amenities provided free of charge. Possible riches to be found beyond your wildest dreams! Contact Cobi with the Breath of Fire party if interested and be prepared to travel immediately.”

I lifted my head from the paper to spare a glance at Cobi.

“This is the shadiest thing I’ve ever seen. How was this allowed to be posted…?”

Cobi nodded.

“That’s how it is with our acquaintance. You’ll get used to things like this happening all the time if you aren’t already.”

“That’s the part that bothers me. How quickly I already have…”

We both laughed.

I was curious to know how the man came to know the Great Protector, but if he was anything like me, that wasn’t something he’d want to divulge out of shame. Instead, after downing his cup of the non-alcoholic drink I had brought, he got right to opening up the massive backpack he had been carrying.

“I was told to bring as many different types of seeds as I could get my hands on, as well as anything relevant to farming. I also took the liberty of picking up some fruits and vegetables that wouldn’t rot quickly as well as some other things you may need…”

The sheer amount of things that he pulled out of his massive backpack defied the laws of physical storage. It was like watching a zip file being extracted in front of me in real time with no computer in sight. Dozens of pouches full of seeds, bags of things like potatoes and carrots, apples and oranges, cucumbers and some mushrooms for Truffle to cultivate! A large box containing enough iron ingots that should have torn a hole in the bottom of the backpack from weight alone by itself. Things like casks of vegetable oil, butter, metal pans and cutlery… it was insane.

“Cobi. Was this all paid for by…?”

“Yep. Handed me a pouch full of gold coins and said to not spare any expense.”

“Crazy… how do you fit it all inside there?”

“Trade secret, I’m afraid.”

“Magic bag?”

“Nope. Let’s just say I’m really good at organizing things.”

I didn’t sense any magic at all coming from the bag, so I was left with no other choice than to believe him.

“Don’t f’rget m’tools!” Dara said having finally managed to get a cup of Berry’s blue water poured for herself.

Melon had arrived around this time with Button, Ebony, and Mint in tow carrying the promised food for our guests. Two plates stacked with steaming hot hamburgers drizzled with ketchup for Cobi and Dara, and a large stone platter full of de-boned raw meat that turned my stomach just from looking for the Kobolds.

“Smells good!”

“No see rot!”

“No see skin either!”

“Still bloody!”

“Hope it taste as good as look!”

“Cobi food also look good!”

The Kobolds began shoving handfuls of meat into their maws, making moaning noises as they chomped away at the freshly uncooked meat. I told Cobi and Dara it was fine to use the cutlery that had just been unpacked for the occasion. It was better than anything we had around here to offer them to use.

Dara took a sniff of her hamburger before cutting off a piece and eating it.

“What is it made from? Don’t reckon it’s cow.” She asked me.

I asked Melon who said it was from a many-horns brought in yesterday by Orchid, Lilac and Primrose who they took along to teach how to hunt.

“Deer.” I replied.

“Huh. Don’t taste the gamey flavor at all.”

“What can I say… our adorable chef here, Melon, is talented when it comes to food.”

“Adorable?” Dara spoke, wrinkling her entire brow in the process.

“Don’t mind Ark. He’s a goblin-fucker, so his sense of beauty is skewed.” Stella non-chalantly interjected. “Prefers his women naked, barefoot, and pregnant as often as possible.”

Orga Lush snorted in rapid fire.

“Just let me know if… snooort… I’m wearing too many clothes for you, War Chief. It is the summer season, and I wouldn’t mind being a little less sweaty and make you happy in the process.”

“I’m fine, Orga. Really.”

While I endured some mild humiliation from the lips of Stella, I watched as Cobi dug into his plate of stacked hamburgers, eating with the most respectable manners out of the entire group. Living in Goblinhome has almost made me forget entirely what table manners were. Were I not to have made a dining table at the beginning of my capture here I probably would have become a lawless caveman by now.

“Husband. Who is the human? Are we getting a new Husband?” Ebony had asked me in Gob while everyone was eating.

“I don’t think so, Ebony. He’s an adventurer like Stella and I used to be. He’s just doing a quest from a different guild and came to deliver a few things to us that we needed.”

“Oh. That’s good. Having two people I have to call Husband would be confusing.”

“You can always call me daddy, you know?”

“But you’re Ebony’s Husband. Mint’s too.” Ebony replied assuredly.

“And Melon’s.” Melon added quickly.

Mint gave me a strained look, as if she was staring at a ghost. I don’t imagine the trauma she suffered watching me become the Monster will be leaving her anytime soon.

“Oh~ that good food. Nymfi satisfied. Huuurp!”

“Gruuu~ Gnome feel sleepy now that belly full.”

“Hic… Good drink make Trixie body feel good good warm…”

“Silky want to know recipe for goblin drink… so can make better later…”

“Mandy ready to sleep now. Cobi take care of everything else.”

“Boggie… also take nap.”

The six Kobolds had gotten up from the table, found an open space, and just fell into a pile together.

“Ark, I don’t suppose you can put us up for a couple of nights?” Cobi asked after swallowing another bite of his food. “We traveled here quickly under a series of haste spells cast by Mandy, and the girls, while energetic… could use a rest after that.”

“Not a problem. Are they okay sharing a spacious room, or should I make individual caves for everyone?”

“A single spacious room is fine. No point in putting them in individual ones since they will inevitably end up crashing in whichever one I’m in. They’re… rather possessive when it comes to me.”

I could feel the latent harem protagonist energy coming from the man.

“I understand completely. Orga Lush, mind if these guests share the same floor as you and the other orcs for the next couple of days?”

“If that’s what the War Chief desires.”

“Thanks for your understanding. Crow… can you and Vera take care of inventorying the things Cobi has brought us? Ebony, Mint… can you help bring the fruits and vegetables here to Melon’s kitchen? Daddy’s going to be helping make dinner later on tonight!”

Both Crow and Vera agreed and quickly got to work, enlisting Prima to help carry the heavier items. Melon pulled rank as the older sister hearing that I was going to be working together with her in the kitchen, so she didn’t spare the love and encouraged Ebony and Mint to do most of the heavy lifting otherwise they wouldn’t be enjoying any hamburgers anytime soon.

I felt that a little bit of sibling bullying was fine. All part of the joys of having a big family.

Besides, Melon is a sweet goblin who will definitely reward them later for their hard work now. I’ve said it before, and it remains the truth; Goblins don’t mind working hard if it is for the sake of being lazy later.

“Looks like I have a lot to get started on, so we’ll tackle the tilling and planting tomorrow.”

I stared at the pile of Kobolds, then Cobi, then Stella and her delicious breasts for a mental energy boost, and then at Dara the dwarf.

“Dara… would you prefer the ground floor or the second floor?”

“Oi. You do realize I’m a dwarf?”

She pointed downward.

“Ain’t no place more comfortable then under the ground f’r a dwarf to live.”

“Right. Basement level. Of course.” I sighed.

Stella just laughed before standing up and giving me a kiss on the cheek.

“Have a good day at work, dear husband.”

Then she sauntered out of the Goblin’s Guild.

“Mind waiting a moment, Dara? Won’t take long for me to make a room for our guests, then I can make your dwelling to your liking.”

“’s fine. Any place t’relax around here while I’m waiting?”

“There’s a heated bath on the ground floor if you’re interested.”

“Is it clean?”

“I assure you that hygiene is a priority around here.”

“Weren’t what I was askin’. I ain’t had a bath in a long while, enough to turn that clean bath a might dirty. Minin’ and forgin’ ain’t exactly clean work.”

“It’s fine. That’s what a bath is for.”

Dara shrugged.

“Got more alcohol? No sense in takin’ a bath if I’m only warm on the outside.”

“I’ll see what I can drum up for you.”

“Rally-ho!” She said with a half-hearted gesture, tapping her chest once and then raising a close-fisted hand up above her head.

I escorted Dara downstairs. I kept a jar of blue water in the breeding room kitchen for situations like this. When I brought the jar over to her, I noticed that she was on her hands and knees feeling the sides of the stone bath.

“Oi… this is decent work.”

“Thanks. Took me and Vera a while to make it. I built the bath and she did the Runework.”

“You made this…?”

I then explained that I was a Force Magician by choice and how I used my Topaz stone to craft it magically.

“Hmm. This the only thing you can make?”

“I’m pretty handy. Just upgraded the shit-pit the other day.”

“Shit-pit?”

I escorted Dara to the shit-pit. As a dwarf, she had no need of torchlight to see comfortable inside of Goblinhome. When we got there, I explained the layout, and how the toilets worked.

“So, all the shit goes down below?”

“It’s a contained pit. If you’re worried it will stink up your future residence, I assure you that won’t happen.”

“I’ll trust ye on that. Since that offer said all amenities provided, can I get a private shitter down here? I don’t mind usin’ the communal bath upstairs.”

“I… guess so? I’ll have to talk to our craftsgoblin, Toy, about making you one.”

“That only leaves one last question. How’re we sharing th’profits?”

“Profits?”

“From my minin’ and forgin’?”

“Uh… our economy is still in its infancy, so… we’d need to discuss what’s acceptable for you. I’m wide open for negotiations in your favor.”

“Forges take a lot of wood and coal to fuel. An’ after workin’ I like to drink.”

“Doll and Figurine are in charge of the forestry around here. I’m sure they can provide you with ample wood when you need it. As for drink… I’ll talk with Berry, as she’s the only one who makes the stuff. If you don’t care to drink alone, check with the orc you just saw, Orga Lush, or among the goblins you can find Ivory.”

“I see… An’ what about our… relations?”

“That’s up to you.”

“Why me? Ain’t you the one f’r it?”

“Everyone that lives here in Goblinhome, with exception to me alone, is a woman… and sort of… all my wives… I guess? I’ll understand if getting involved with a guy like that might be a dealbreaker for you.”

“When’d I say that? I just… er… it’s uh… been a few decades… might be some cobwebs, rust, and some such down there…”

I tried to stifle a laugh. Was she the reclusive type?

“We don’t need to rush anything. Let’s get you nice and comfortable in your new home first, and after that you can get as shit-faced drunk as you want to before we discuss doing anything either of us might regret later. Sound good?”

“Mmm, can’t complain about that getting shit-faced drunk part. That’s sweet talk to a gal like me.”

I figured there was nothing wrong with being proactive here. I stopped by Ivory and Truffle’s cave-hole and introduced Dara to them and may have mentioned she happened to like drinking. Truffle and Ivory are very much the welcoming committee around here, so I kind of handed Dara off to them for a bit, asking them to keep her company in the bath.

Turns out Dara doesn’t dislike mushrooms either, which made her a friendly entity to Truffle. Apparently, Dara has a family recipe for mushroom soup. Can’t wait to try it.

Heading back to the Goblin’s Guild, I found Cobi had taken a few more things out of his massive backpack.

“You’re back. Good. There’s something I was told to give you in private.”

A stone of immensely high quality was handed over.

“Our… acquaintance said it was for you to give the Guardian when you felt she was ready.”

I quickly took it and made a hole in a nearby wall with magic and placed it inside before sealing it back up. It seems I’ll need to add magic lessons with Prima back on my list of things to get done. I only hid it there so I wouldn’t lose it, or that it wouldn’t end up deep inside of Jewel’s gobhole. She’s got a knack for acquiring stones, and that one belongs to Prima when the time is right.

“I’m going to make the guest quarters for you and your party now… shouldn’t take long. Might as well come along so can give me any input as to how you’d like it to be as comfortable as possible.”

“Sounds good. Lead the way…”