HP: The Big Bad Wolf

[Part 1: Fucking Flying Monstrosities!!]

A few days after my steamy encounter with Regina, I received half a dozen letters delivered by owls during breakfast. I swear, I nearly pissed myself. See, I hate birds and, in general, anything that can fly.

Like, how did they evolutionarily opt for flying, leaving the ground and the seas behind, and choosing the single most idiotic place to be? The air! Did you know that flying started basically as free falling, or rather controlled falling forward? Somehow, these creatures managed to evolve from free falling to actually remaining in the air. Stupid shits! And wizards messed it all up even more by helping them develop sentience.

Yes, owls are sentient! Maybe not all of them to the same degree, but if their owner pumps them full of magic, or if they stay in a magically saturated environment long enough, they eventually evolve into something called familiars. They're basically like Archimedes, Merlin's owl from those old cartoons I remember.

But back to the main issue I was facing: apparently, some idiots decided to send me a few letters just to be sure their messages reached me. Instead of contacting me using my preferred method—which is to tell it to Gramps, who will use the notebook I designed to exchange messages in real-time with people I like—they chose this medieval nonsense.

I glanced at the pile of letters, picked up the first one, and tore it open, completely ignoring the six disgusting creatures watching me and expecting some snacks. As if I would pet these monsters! They can literally bite off someone's finger!

*Sigh*

Mister Snape,

I am writing to you with utmost urgency. Our operations are being raided, our customers are being attacked, and someone is putting pressure on us. We are losing business rapidly, and people are getting desperate. We need your help, Sir. Please come quickly. We can't hold out much longer.

Sincerely, 

Conrad Parr

I allowed the man to deal with the day-to-day business, and the idiot goes and actually writes me a message! Dumb asshole. Doesn't he know that whoever is putting pressure on him wanted him to send out a letter?

This is the single most used tactic in the book to get to the actual man behind the scenes: just pressure the minions into a desperate situation, and this little shit fell for it.

Now I know that some idiots will try to kill me in a few days when I leave for the winter holidays. It's basically a declared chess move—this is basically putting a check on me.

[A/N: I do not know if this is the right way to say it in english, but in german you'd be saying it in this way! If you are a native speaker help me!!!!]

*Sigh*

Idiots! I am surrounded by idiots! Fucking bitch, if they don't kill you, I will kick you in the balls like two or three times before I'm satisfied.

I sighed and set the letter aside, grabbing the next one. The parchment was finer, and the handwriting was elegant and flowing.

Hey Sev,

Guess what? You are now officially invited to visit us, the Cullen family, in our new home in Forks during your winter holidays! We'd love to introduce you to some amazing people. Trust me, you'll have a blast. I know it!! Can't wait to see you!

Hugs and kisses, 

your favorite bad bitch, 

Alice

Well, if she says I will like it, then I am looking forward to it.

A smile tugged at the corners of my mouth as I read Alice's friendly and flirty invitation. I like Alice's easygoing and happy way; she is like one of those friends you just love to hang out with, smoke pot, and talk about stupid shit.

Like one time, a friend challenged me that he could hold the whole planet in his palm. I called him an idiot, but the fucker dared me into a bet. Well, in my defense, I was high as fuck, so I accepted.

The idiot did a handstand with one hand, and technically, he was holding the Earth in his palm. I paid him fifty bucks. Good times!

I opened the next letter, and immediately the overwhelming scent of cheap perfume hit me.

Dear Mr. Prince,

It would be an absolute delight to have you grace the pages of Witch Weekly with an exclusive interview. Our readers are dying to know more about the enigmatic and oh-so-mysterious Severus U. Prince. We could even arrange a photoshoot to capture your most alluring angles. I am awaiting your positive reply.

Yours eagerly,

Miranda Gold

Editor-in-Chief, Witch Weekly

I rolled my eyes and tossed the sleazy letter onto the growing pile, reaching for the next one. This one had an official seal and the familiar handwriting of my grandfather.

"Et tu, old man?!" I thought, hurt by his disregard for my feelings.

Dear Unfilial Grandson,

I hope this letter finds you and annoys you because I've had an extremely uncomfortable time with your grandma because of you! You damn asshole! Anyway, the boss bitch, Queen Elizabeth II, is quite keen on meeting you and demands you visit her during the holidays. Apparently, she heard about you, and as we're family, well, you get the gist. She wants to have a word. Expect a formal invitation soon, but consider this your heads-up. Go and buy some nice Muggle wear, will you?

I hope the owls shit in your food, 

Gramps

I chuckled at my grandfather's annoyed tone. Well, he is not getting sex. I hope this will be the case throughout the holidays! The old douchebag did me dirty, so I did him dirty. I would call it quits, but neither he nor I knows when to stop!

He will feel as if I owe him, then he will do something stupid, and then I will have to follow up, or I will feel that he owes me.

That is just the way we are. I picked up the penultimate letter. The parchment was old, and the writing style ancient and ominous.

To Severus Prince, Heir of House Prince,

Hereby you have been invited to visit us, the Founders of Hogwarts. We request your immediate presence after receiving this letter. It is time. This letter will destroy itself as no one is to know we're still around. Do not delay.

With gravitas, 

The Founders

I watched with dread as the letter's timer counted down from ten to one. I crumpled the letter and threw it away just in time to see it explode into smithereens.

I am sure this was done by Slytherin, that bald asshole!

I felt a shiver run down my spine as I read the final letter. Leaning back in my chair, I took a moment to calm myself before picking up the last letter. As soon as I read it, I couldn't help but smile wickedly.

Dear Honorable Mr. Severus Prince,

I hope this letter finds you in the best of health and high spirits. I am writing to you with the utmost respect and humility, as we hold you in the highest regard. My name is Farfadet, and I have been tasked with a matter of significant importance that requires your esteemed attention.

It has come to our attention that certain valuable items have managed to land themselves in your possession from a few of our most secure vaults. While we understand that such occurrences are rare, we recognize the unparalleled skills and talents you possess, and we are in awe of your capabilities. It is with the deepest respect for your power and prowess that we humbly request the return of these items.

We acknowledge that someone of your stature and wisdom does not act without reason, and we are eager to understand and accommodate your needs. In return for the safe restoration of the treasures and items, we are prepared to offer you the most distinguished services and alliances that only our Kingdom can provide. Our most skilled curse-breakers, treasure hunters, and smiths would be at your disposal, ready to assist you in any endeavor you deem worthy.

Furthermore, we are willing to forge a lasting and mutually beneficial alliance, granting you unparalleled access to our vaults, ancient knowledge, and rare artifacts. Our goblin-forged armor and weaponry, known for their unmatched quality and enchantments, could be made available to you, along with any other resources you may require.

Your magnanimity in this matter would not only reinforce the respect and admiration we have for you but also ensure a prosperous and powerful partnership between you and us. In the name of our King, I beseech you, most honorable Severus Prince, to consider our plea and allow us the privilege of serving you in any capacity you desire.

We await your gracious response with bated breath, hoping that you will find it in your heart to return the items and accept our humble offerings of loyalty and service.

With the deepest respect and highest regards,

Farfadet 

Prime Minister of the European Goblin Kingdom

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Greetings Everyone, 

It is your weekly reminder to gimme them stones! Let us not be greedy, and just share, okay?!

Finally, if you're inclined to support my caffeine addiction, please consider lending a dollar!

You can help me by becoming my patr0n on:

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- One New Chapter will get released at least once every three days!! (Mainly because I am about to write tests for my Bachelor, and cannot focus on writing.)