Homestar Saga

"I still don't understand how the Oluken could do such a thing." Skell Scathach, 3rd Warmaster of the Vrrl Starfang Empire, stroked his mane with one hand. The other three arms were folded behind him. The Vrrl General wore armor the color of fresh blood. His mane was the color of old blood, and his fur was white as snow. Or bone, perhaps. Four scars traced their way down his face. The Warmaster was massive, even bigger than Scarrend. Yvian barely came up to his chest. His fearsome appearance was offset by a calm, controlled demeanor that was somehow more intimidating than the snarling, rage filled monsters she'd fought in the past. Yvian ranked him as the third scariest thing she'd ever met, right behind Mims and Exodus the Genocide.

"Are you really that surprised?" Lissa cocked an eyebrow at him. "They betrayed us once already."

One of the nearby crewman gave an amused snort and half a headshake. The last time Yvian had been aboard the Priderender, the ship had been run by a skeleton crew. This time, the bridge was filled to the brim with Hunters. Row upon row of consoles formed a pyramid, manned by monsters in armor. The top of the pyramid was a wide, flat space, which was where she and the others were standing.

"I'm not surprised they betrayed us," the Warmaster clarified. "Treachery is the tool of the weak, and the Oluken are the softest of paws. What surprises me," he gave Mims a reproachful look, "is that they managed to hide that betrayal. Are you not spying on your allies?"

"Spying how?" Mims gave half a shrug. "The Oluken aren't stupid. They've got Node technology, but they only use it for long range comms. No network. They only allow foreigners in one sector, and they don't keep sensitive information on their trading stations as far as we can tell. Ambassador Zarkon and the other Peacekeepers have been learning what they could, but it's not much." He crossed his arms and regarded the Warmaster with mild amusement. "How about you, oh mighty hunter? Has the glorious Starfang Empire picked up any leads?"

Scathach chuffed. "Spying is... new to us."

"Thought so." The Captain came perilously close to smiling. "That's why we have to do this the fun way."

"The fun way?" Scarrend's brows furrowed.

"He likes scaring people," Lissa explained.

"Don't you?" Mims asked her.

"Of course not," Lissa huffed. "I'm the diplomatic one, remember?"

"She loves it," Yvian disagreed. "She just doesn't want to say it out loud."

"Shut it, Sis," Lissa ordered with a smile. "That kind of talk is why we don't let you do diplomacy."

"And that's why I talk like that," Yvian countered. "Diplomacy sucks."

"Not today it doesn't." The Captain was almost jovial. "Today we get to do gunboat diplomacy. It's the best kind."

"No," said Lissa. "I get to do gunboat diplomacy. Me and Scathach. All you get to do is watch."

"Are you fools done bantering?" Scathach asked with annoyance. "This is a serious matter. The fate of multiple species hangs in the balance." He rumbled a short growl. "Including yours and mine."

"He's right." Mims dropped his half smile, resuming his default expression of cold, lethal professionalism. "Sorry, Skell. We'll be professional."

"Lend forgiveness, Warmaster," Lissa agreed. "We're ready when you are."

Yvian nodded in agreement.

Scathach grunted. "Third Hsst. Are jump preparations complete?"

"Yes, Warmaster." A female Vrrl answered. Yvian couldn't remember if it was one she'd met before. "All ships report ready."

"Good." The Vrrl turned to Kilroy. "Are your Peacekeeper fleets ready?"

"Affirmative." The machine's eyes turned red. "All units standing by."

"Very well." The Warmaster straightened, letting a long breath out the his nostrils. "All ships, initiate jump sequence."

"All ships, initiating jump," the Third Hsst reported.

"Affirmative," said Kilroy. "All units initiating jump."

The Priderender hummed. The group stood in silence as the jumpdrive hum grew louder and louder. It took thirty seconds for the noise reach a crescendo, at which point the blue light of the Gate Effect rippled in through the warship's viewports.

"Jumpdrive activated," the Third Hsst reported. "Exiting the East Gate of Reaching Tendril Sector in thirty seconds.

"Very well." Warmaster Scathach waited.

The Priderender exited the Gate. Scathach pulled up a holodisplay. The Vrrl model was different from the one Yvian was used to, with friendly ships shown in red and enemies displayed in yellow. Reaching Tendril Sector was much as she remembered it. A standard solar system with a single star and a dozen planets, none of which were capable of supporting life. Several of the planets were dotted with large industrial mines, and there were a little over twenty thousand space stations in orbit around them. More stations were scattered throughout the sector's three asteroid belts. Several hundred small fleets of Oluken ships patrolled the sector. Yvian imagined they were all panicking right now.

The Priderender had not come to Reaching Tendril alone. Half a million Vrrl warships entered the Sector alongside it, in a formation that resembled a giant clawed hand. A few hundred kilometers to the side, another five hundred thousand pixen warships formed the shape of a Peacekeeper fedora. The center of the fleet was former federation vessels, destroyers and battlecruisers of human make. The rest of the fleet was comprised of Peacekeeper Stinger units.

Rounding out their forces were eight Queenships. The Queens were escorted by their standard accompaniment of Stingers with modified beam weapons. Yvian wondered if the Oluken had ever seen a Klaath Queen before. Probably not. If a Queen had made it into Oluken space, there wouldn't be any Oluken anymore.

"Warmaster," a male Vrrl reported. The Fourth Hsst? Yvian couldn't remember. "We are being hailed."

As Yvian watched, every single Oluken patrol ship in the sector changed course, heading towards the Technocracy's forces. Their were just over a million of them.

"Accept the comm," Scathach ordered.

The Fourth Hsst growled acknowledgment and keyed his console. A voice piped in over the comms.

"Greetings, visitors." The Oluken patrol leader's voice was low and wet, but Yvian's updated translator implant at least made it sound like a voice instead of a series of gurgles and burps. Yvian took a moment to silently thank the Peacekeepers for setting that up. She'd been able to communicate with the Oluken before, but the monotone drone of the old makeshift translators could never have conveyed the nervousness this Oluken was trying to hide. "Welcome to Reaching Tendril. This one is named Gylo. Please state the nature of your visit."

"This is Skell Scathach," the Warmaster responded, "First Hsst of the Priderender. Third Warmaster of the Vrrl Starfang Empire. With me are the leaders of the Pixen Technocracy. We have come to declare war."

There was a pause. A long pause. Then, "Can you repeat that?"

"Don't waste my time," growled the Warmaster. "Put me in contact with the Council of Elders. Now."

"The Council of Elders is..." Gylo paused again. "The Council is currently on Gleesa Station. You have permission to send one ship. The Council will await you."

"No." It was Lissa who spoke. "This is Lissa Kiver, Mother of Pixa. The last time we boarded one of your stations you tried to hand me to the humans. No leader of the Pixen Technocracy will set foot on an Oluken Station ever again. If the Council wants to talk, they will come to us or speak over the comms."

Lissa shared a look with Scathach. He spoke. "Tell your Council they have ten minutes. If they have not contacted us by then, we will lay waste to this sector and move on to the next." The Warmaster ended the transmission.

"It's weird that they do that," Yvian remarked.

"Do what?" asked Lissa.

"Change who's in charge all the time," Yvian explained. "There's been a different Council of Elders every time, and every time they get to speak for the whole species. It's weird."

"It is a tactic," Scathach explained. "Forcing us to deal with a different group every ten days prevents foreign powers from acquiring leverage and influence. It's designed to keep their trading partners off balance."

"It's still a weird way to run a nation," said Yvian.

"The Council of Elders does not govern the Oluken Herdgroup," Scathach told her. "They are simply responsible for trade negotiations and foreign policy." He glanced at the Holodisplay. The closest Oluken fleets would be in weapon range in four minutes. "Second Hsst. Remind our Hunters not to attack the softpaws unless they fire first or I give the order."

"Yes, Warmaster." The Second Hsst opened a comm channel to the rest of the fleet.

"Same goes for the Peacekeepers," Mims told Kilroy.

"Affirmative." The machine's eyes were still red.

"Kilroy?" Yvian asked. "Are you in contact with Ambassador Zarkon?"

"Affirmative," said Kilroy. "Peacekeeper unit Ambassador Zarkon is monitoring this conversation with great interest."

"Can you ask him to lend forgiveness? For not telling him in advance, I mean." They'd considered trying to do this through diplomatic channels, but Mims and Scarrend had both agreed it would take too much time. "We didn't want the Oluken to have any warning."

"Lending forgiveness will not be necessary," the machine informed her. "Peacekeeper unit Ambassador Zarkon understands the situation. Peacekeeper Ambassador Zarkon is highly amused, and looking forward to the rest of the show."

"Oh," Yvian supposed she shouldn't have worried. "Good."

Six minutes later, the Priderender received a hail from Gleesa Station. "Warmaster Scathach, Mother Lissa, this is Elder Gloodo. Your invasion of our territory is a violation of our treaties with both of your species. Withdraw immediately, and we will allow you to state your grievance through diplomatic channels."

Lissa and Scathach looked at each other. Lissa gestured at the Vrrl. The Warmaster gave her a pleased nod. "Elder Gloodo, you are a fool. Your treaty with the Empire was broken the moment you sided with the humans. We are not here to air our grievances. We are here because we are at war with the Herdgroup."

"War?" The Elder scoffed. "What war? No one has been fired upon. No sides have been taken. You think you can come here and make threats and we will dance to the tune of your Queega. Let me assure you, Warmaster of the Vrrl. You are mistaken."

"Kilroy," Scathach ordered. "Please have your units pick a station without our people on it. Then destroy that station."

"Affirmative." Kilroy's eyes flashed yellow, then back to red. "Station selected." Eight Peacekeeper Queenships struck a Textile Fabrication Facility with beam weapons. Two from each Queen. The station's shields were strong. They held for almost three seconds. Then the station exploded into molten debris. "Station destroyed."

Yvian felt a mild pang at the thought of so much fabric burned away and exposed to the void. Textiles were the first cargo she ever transported, that first doomed mission that had led her to Mims. What was it humans called it? An inciting incident? A brief wage of nostalgia washed over her. Those had been good days. Simpler, easier days, though she hadn't known it at the time.

The Warmaster's voice pulled Yvian out of her musings. "Thank you, Kilroy" He switched the comm back on. "It is you that do not understand, softpaws. You have betrayed us. Twice. The humans are a Scourge. They are trying to eradicate my species."

"And mine," Lissa added. "And you're helping them."

"That makes you enemies of the Vrrl Starfang Empire." Disdain filtered into the voice of the Vrrl. "You think we won't make you our prey because we can't eat you. The truth is it means there's no reason to keep any of you alive."

"Savages," Elder Gloodo spat. "Killing innocent people to make your point. And for what? Paranoia? We are not sheltering the humans. You have no evidence of any such thing. You can't even prove we had a tendril in the incident at Tenril Station."

"Proof?" Lissa dripped with scorn. "Evidence? Do you see a Magistrate anywhere? This isn't a trial, Gloodo. This isn't a negotiation."

"We know what you've done," Warmaster Scathach growled. "You are fools, as were your predecessors. Your Herdgroup has always relied on trade and alliances to keep itself safe. You should have kept your neutrality."

"Instead you betrayed two of your strongest allies," Lissa continued, "to an enemy fighting a war of extinction."

"A war we still might lose," Scathach admitted. "Because of you."

"We don't know what you're talking about!" Gloodo shouted. "I told you, we're not sheltering the humans! We just trade with them. I swear by the Lifestream!" The Elder sounded sincere. Yvian believed her.

"I don't believe you," said Lissa. She was frowning. She believed the Elder, too.

"I think my patience is at an end," the Warmaster decided. "We've told you we're at war. We've told you why. You have done nothing but waste my time. I would say your species will regret letting such cowardly fools represent them, but soon there will be none of you left to regret anything."

Yvian glanced at the Holodisplay. Vrrl ships were accelerating away from every trading station in the sector. Warmaster Scathach had asked Kilroy to pass word to the other Peacekeepers and deliver his orders to the other Vrrl the moment he entered the sector. In a few more minutes, the only Vrrl in the sector would be the ones in the Warmaster's attack fleet. The Pixen ships were already gone.

"Wait!" Glood protested. "You can't-"

"It was the Taa'Oor!" Another voice shouted over the Elder. "The Taa'Oor took them in. It wasn't us!"

"Feegla, no!" A third voice protested.

"Shut up, Glyna!" Feegla snapped. "They're going to kill us for a betrayal that wasn't ours! Look! Look!" A pause. "It was the Taa'Oor. The Taa'Oor have them."

"The Taa'Oor?" Lissa frowned. "Aren't they your slaves?"

"They are a protectorate species," Feegla huffed. "Their planet is mostly water. We uplifted them and gave them protection from the Vrrl."

Scathach muted the comms long enough to say, "The Oluken are the reason the Taa'Oor needed protection from us."

"Are you saying the Taa'oor have allied with the Federation?" Lissa did not sound credulous. "Why... no. How? They don't even have their own ships."

"We don't know how," Feegla admitted. "We didn't know they were there until just now. We just got a message from the High Elders."

"They're not supposed to know about-" That third voice again.

"Shut up, Glyna!" This time Gloodo cut him off. "Do you want us to die?"

Scathach and Lissa shared another look. This time it was the Warmaster who gestured. Lissa gave him a quick smile, then turned stern again. "Here's what we're going to do. You're going to send one of your High Elders here. To this ship. He or she is going to give us your surrender and everything else we want. Do that, and the war is over and we'll reinstate the treaty."

"If you do not," Scathach growled, "We'll kill every scatting one of you."

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