Homestar Saga

"It's a goddamned waste." Captain Mims glared at the holodisplay. A massive cloud of debris caromed through the void in an ever expanding dome around the Gate. "There's gotta be a way around it."

"Negative," said Kilroy. "The missile complement of each Federation ship has been rigged with proximity detectors and a dead man's switch. If the vessel loses power or detects an object within two kilometers, the missiles detonate. High Commander Bartholomew Young has taken great care to avoid letting us capture his ships."

"What about stealth?" Yvian suggested. "Peacekeeper units don't show up on sensors."

"They do if they use SHIELDBREACH," Lissa pointed out.

"That's what the Queens are for," said Yvian. "We can knock the shields down and let a unit sneak on board. Disarm the bombs."

"Negative," said Kilroy. "There are multiple redundancies. Any attempt to remove the detonators will result in detonation."

"There's gotta be a way," Yvian reasoned. "The High Commander wouldn't just throw away that many ships without a plan to get them back."

"Yes he would," said Lissa.

"Those ships are from the Stockpile," said Mims. "When the Federation decommissions a ship, they don't strip it for parts. They store it. They've also had their shipyards working around the clock for the better part of thirty years. Any ships that aren't needed by Stellar Defense or XTRO get added to the reserve. They've probably got another billion ships floating out there."

"Why didn't they use them, then?" Lissa wondered. "Another fifty million a Gate would have been more than we could handle."

"Not enough time, I guess." Mims shrugged. "Jumpdrives are new tech, and most of those old ships wouldn't have them. Some poor bastard had to install a drive, jump the ship, take the jumpdrive back out, program the autopilot, and rig the thing to blow. The entire Stellar Defense Force is only eight hundred million people or so, and half of those have been busy fighting the Vrrl. It's amazing they managed as much as they did."

"Could you take control of the ships?" Yvian asked Kilroy. "Reprogram the autopilot?"

"Unlikely," said the Peacekeeper. "The meatbags are aware of Peacekeeper unit capabilities. Peacekeeper units could avoid detection and board the ships, but there is a high probability they will detonate once control systems are accessed. It is possible such a failsafe could be circumvented, but it is more likely the ships will self destruct in the attempt."

"Strange," Scarrend remarked. "I never expected a Peacekeeper to admit there was something it could not do."

"Peacekeeper units are superior," Kilroy reminded him. "Superior beings do not need to let ego cloud an objective assessment. Pride and foolish boasts are for meatbags."

"I smell," said the Vrrl.

"All meatbags smell." Kilroy's eyes flashed yellow. "This unit won't hold it against you."

Lissa gave the machine an exasperated look. "How long have you been holding onto that joke?"

"The correct amount of time." The machine's eyes flashed yellow again. "Comedy is a science."

"It's a goddamned waste," Mims repeated. "The biggest fleet we ever got our hands on, and we're gonna have to turn it into debris."

"Why do you care so much?" asked Lissa. "It's not like we've got the pilots to fly that many ships anyway."

"I'm a Privateer." Mims reminded her. "Capturing ships is how I make my living." He shrugged. "Giving up that many rubs me the wrong way."

"We could wait," Yvian suggested. "Think on it some more and come up with something." She switched the display to show the fleet guarding the West Gate in Aldara sector. "They're just sitting there. It's not like we don't have time."

"Too risky," said Scarrend. "There's no telling what other surprises the humans have in store. We can't afford to leave such a force at our backs."

"No, I guess we can't." Mims let out a breath. "Alright, Kilroy. They can fire when ready."

"Affirmative." The Peacekeeper's eyes turned red. "Combat initiated." Two separate groups of Peacekeeper Queens opened fire. The Queens had positioned themselves five million miles away from the enemy fleets. Well out of firing range for conventional weapons, but not too far for the overpowered beam weapons of the former Klaath ships. "The Federation vessels are attempting to return fire. They are not attempting to approach the Peacekeeper Queens."

"Makes sense," said the Captain. "The High Commander wouldn't want us to lure them out of position." Yvian watched a massive amount of plasma and ion launch from the enemy fleets. At fifty thousand kilometers, it would have been a terrifying wave of destruction, but at five million? The energy would dissipate long before it reached the Queens. "Alright. Next order of business. Where are we on immigration?"

"Six thousand four hundred and seven pixens arrived in New Pixa Sector yesterday," Kilroy reported. "Immigration has slowed significantly now that the majority of pixens have escaped Trelg and Brilend space, but several thousand citizens still arrive each day. The Confederation of Planets Military is no longer attempting to stop their transport, but there is still interference from local Militias in all sectors except those controlled by the Krog Monarchy. The Pleasure Guilds are using propaganda and incentives to try to persuade pixens to stay, but direct capture and control efforts have ceased."

"I'll bet they have," said Yvian. "After what we did to the Trelg Guild, no one wants to risk getting assassinated."

"Affirmative," said the Peacekeeper. "However, arrest and enslavement of pixens has increased in all sectors not controlled by the Krog Monarchy. Fraud, financial schemes, and other attempts to place pixens further into debt have also increased."

"They're trying to get their hands on as many bodies as they can," Lissa guessed.

"Stupid." Scarrend gave a disapproving growl. "They will drive even more pixens away. There will be no more to prey on in a few short years."

"They don't care," said Mims, "The Pleasure Guilds are corporations and corporations don't care about anything but short term profits. It's why the Confed's so far behind everyone else."

"Stupid," Scarrend repeated.

"Additionally," the machine continued, "The bounties on Yvian Kiver, Lissa Kiver, and Big Daddy Mims have been raised to eighty million credits."

"Oh, Crunch," said Yvian. "We're famous."

"We were already famous," Lissa told her.

"Yeah, but, eighty million?" Yvian grinned. "For just three of us? That's got to be the biggest bounty ever."

"The bounty is eighty million for each of you," Kilroy corrected. "It is the third largest bounty ever issued by the Confederation of planets. Additionally, the Confederation Military has seized all accounts and assets owned by Yvian Kiver, Lissa Kiver, and Big Daddy Mims."

Mims grunted. "Won't do them much good. All my money's in Homestar National, now."

"They have also revoked your Privateer License," Kilroy told him.

"Son of a bitch."

"It still seems weird, doesn't it?" Yvian mused. "Nationalizing the bank, I mean."

"It's a lesson we humans learned the hard way," said the Captain. "Banking is a service. One that comes with a lot of power. You put private business in charge of it and you get all kinds of abuse. Keeping them regulated is a lot easier when they're government run. No profit incentive." His gaze turned distant. "We did the same thing for all our utilities. Transport, comms, all of it." Something grim and lost and ugly crept into his features. "We thought the government existed to protect people, and that's what we made it do."

"If the Terran Federation's so great," Yvian wondered, "why are we kicking its ass?"

The question startled Mims out of his funk. He glanced her way, putting his cold professional face back on like a mask. "Foreign policy, mostly." He glowered at the holodisplay. "That and they've been taken over by a psychotic Synthetic Intelligence. We've got to beat the Federation to get to Reba."

"So the humans aren't your prey," Scarrend supposed. "You hunt the thing that leads them." He tapped a finger against his muzzle. "Is that why you left the planet untouched?"

"Mostly." The Captain twitched. "We don't want to destroy the Federation."

"Yes we do," Kilroy interrupted.

Mims spared the machine an annoyed glance. "We want to beat them, but we're not looking to extinguish humanity."

"Yes we are," Kilroy's eyes flashed yellow with amusement.

"Stop it," Mims ordered. "If we sterilize Aldara or take it for ourselves the Terran Federation will never forgive us. It'll be a war of extinction. I don't want to be responsible for the death of my species."

"This unit-" Kilroy started. The Captain's glare silenced him.

"So no," Mims finished. "Aldara will not be touched."

"How did you convince the Warmasters to agree to that?" Scarrend asked.

"Wasn't hard," said Mims. "If we kill them all there won't be any left for the Vrrl to hunt." He turned back to Kilroy. "Is our reconnaissance force ready?"

"The reconnaissance vessels were deployed at the start of this meeting," Kilroy informed him. "The data has already been compiled."

"Reconnaissance force?" Lissa asked.

"Oh, right," Mims remembered. "You weren't here for that. Stellar Defense sent a destroyer into our sector last week. Managed to get a scan in before we blasted it out of the sky. I figured we could steal their trick."

"Three unmanned destroyers were programmed to jump into each federation sector," Kilroy informed her. "All ships were destroyed, but not before accomplishing a sensor sweep." He stepped up to the console, fingers blurring into motion. "This is what they found."

The holodisplay transition rapidly, showing one sector after another. All empty. Yvian saw no stations, no ships. Just beam towers and weapons platforms.

Yvian said what they were all thinking. "What the Crunch?"

"Thirty five sectors were devoid of all life," Kilroy reported. "This unit believes all ships and stations were evacuated by jumpdrive." The holodisplay transitioned one more time, showing a sector with a class five habitable planet. "Lifesigns have been detected in Terra Nova Sector."

"So they all holed up in..." Mims frowned. "No. No they didn't. There's only a couple stations and, what? A million ships?"

"Nine hundred twenty three thousand, four hundred and sixty two," Kilroy supplied.

"All automated." The Captain's frown deepened. "And on patrol. Not guarding the Gates."

"The Klaath," Yvian realized. "They're a contingency against the Klaath."

"Yeah." Mims gave a slow nod. "Probably. Can't leave a class five planet undefended. An autopilot fleet's not ideal, but between them and all the beam towers they should be able to stop an Incursion." A creeping tension was slowly taking hold of the man's shoulders. "What kind of lifesigns?"

"There are fifty three thousand, one hundred nineteen humans on the surface of the planet," Kilroy told him. "Three humans on this station." The holodisplay zoomed in on a Military Outpost Station near the West Gate.

"A trap?" Lissa wondered.

"Maybe," said Mims, "but it's probably just assholes that refused to evacuate. And a few soldiers to keep an eye on them."

"So the High Commander evacuated the entire Federation?" Lissa stared at the display. "How? Why?"

"Jumpdrives," Mims answered. "And to buy time. Between the Queens and the Vrrl, we were about to conquer them sector by sector."

"The better question," Scarrend growled, "is where did they go?"