Home for Horny Monsters

Mike stepped onto his front porch, a warm thermos of coffee in one hand and a book in the other. The wood creaked beneath him, and he sat on the porch swing overlooking the front yard, the chains squeaking under his weight. It was early, not even seven yet, and the house behind him was silent. He rarely used to get up so early, but he had discovered that dawn was officially the quietest part of his day. The peace lasted for almost half an hour while he listened to the sounds of the front yard while reading. Singing birds whizzed back and forth, chasing the insects that lived in his yard. Eventually, he heard a loud crash, followed by the sound of Tink yelling at the fairies, and suppressed a laugh.

Looks like his day was going to start early.

His front yard consisted of a large, maze-like garden that was centered around a stone sundial in the middle. The shrubs grew up to waist height, and he navigated the maze from memory, working his way toward the center. Despite the fact that Fall had started the previous month, the yard was still in full bloom. Even now, looking over the stone walls that separated him from his neighbors, he could see the leaves yellowing on their trees already. The summer had been hot, and the days were quickly shrinking, but the weather was always temperate in his front yard.

When he got near the middle of the maze, he had to climb over the large, thick tail of the Jabberwock. The beast lifted its head and, once it saw who was bothering it, lay back down and let out a huff. He gave the beast a friendly pat, grateful that it wasn’t mad about the time he had beheaded it.

At the middle of the maze, he grabbed the sundial by the edges, the magic of the house tingling in his fingertips, and gave it a hard yank. The dial moved one full rotation, and he felt the ground shift ever so slightly beneath him as the home’s defenses were reactivated for another day. Turning around, he saw a pair of male centaurs wandering around the edge of the garden.

“Morning,” he called while waving. 

“Caretaker,” one responded, and they waved also, then went back to inspecting a sickly looking bush. Both of them wore wide brimmed hats woven with leaves, and carried gardening tools. The self-proclaimed Moon tribe had taken it upon themselves to maintain the property around the house shortly after getting settled in the greenhouse, which Mike was extremely grateful for. With the recent expansion of land around his house, there was no way he could keep up with it on his own.

Moving toward the front porch, he paused to admire the gazebo that Tink had attached to the corner of the house. The gazebo floor was slightly elevated, allowing someone to see all of the front yard from the middle of it. It had a beautiful trellis all the way around the base that was covered in beautiful flowering vines, and several flower boxes at the top. He and Tink had spent a lot of time looking at gazebo designs, and he was very proud of how it had turned out.

He opened the front door of the house and turned left, walking toward the office. The morning light gave the wooden floors a golden brown glow, and he remembered that Tink had spent part of last week sanding and oiling the wood to try and restore it. The whole front room had suffered from minor water damage, and it was amazing what a little sand and shine did for the front entry of the house.

Walking into the office, he wasn’t surprised to see the dark figure sitting at his desk with a hot pot of tea and an old map of South America.

“Hey, Death.” Mike slid his book back onto a shelf labeled ‘Still Reading.’ The circular room had multiple shelves, many of which that were newly built of a pretty dark wood that the centaurs had given him. They were logging parts of the greenhouse now to build their community and had provided him with an amazing variety of woods to build from. Tink had practically salivated over the supplies, proclaiming the walnut lumber as her absolute favorite.

“Hello, Mike Radley.” Death’s voice was rich like chocolate with the crisp finish of a British accent. He looked up from where he stood, his eye sockets smoldering with flames. His hood was pulled back, revealing his head to be just a skull. It had taken Mike several days to adjust looking at Death this way without blanching, and it really freaked him out that the skull was capable of morphing into different facial expressions. Whenever Death narrowed his eye sockets, it looked like he was going to hook someone’s soul out of their body in anger.

“What are you looking at today?” Mike asked.

“Paraguay, late 1800’s.” Death took a sip of tea. It was odd watching the skeleton drink, because the fluid seemed to disappear once inside his skull. Once he set the cup down, Death tapped his fingers on the map as if lost in thought.

“I see. Well, enjoy.” Ever since Mike had invited the specter to live with him, Death spent a majority of his time in the office enjoying old maps that he borrowed from the Library. Merely an extension of the true Grim Reaper, this version was trapped on Earth and seemed to grow more of a personality the longer he stayed. Most of the others couldn’t see Death at all, but they could all watch his tea kettle float back and forth to the kitchen throughout the day.

It had taken a week to get the fairies to quit chasing the teapot back and forth. Not only did Death find it aggravating to have a group of fairies riding on his beverage, they had caused him to spill it more than once.

The aroma of French toast filled the air, and Mike smiled, carrying his coffee to the dining hall. The large table in the middle of the room had been rebuilt, and Reggie, the Rat King, sat in a wooden high chair that had been modified to look like a throne at the far end of the table. Beth sat next to him and was teaching him to do a Sudoku puzzle.

“How are you feeling?” Mike sat next to Beth and went to pour what was left of his coffee into the empty cup in front of him. A pitiful dribble came out and he frowned.

“Feeling fine actually.” She looked up from the puzzle and smiled. “According to my last check with Naia, the shard is still sitting there, completely inert.”

“I see.” 

A couple of months ago, they had discovered that a powerful demon named Oliver had stuck part of his soul to Beth’s with the intent of controlling her. With Yuki’s help, Mike had destroyed Oliver’s world, and presumably Oliver with it. Not taking any chances, they actively monitored the soul shard, making sure it didn’t start giving orders once more.

“Actually, I do have some news. Ratu thinks she may be able to extract it.” A broad grin spread across Beth’s face. “If she can pull it out, then I won’t have to worry.”

“Hey, that’s great news!” Mike squeezed her hand, then yanked it back. Though they had lived together for a couple of months now, the relationship he had with Beth was very different from what he shared with the others. It also didn’t help that he still found her as attractive as the first day they met, and he still felt slightly awkward around her on occasion. “When are they going to try?”

“Tomorrow, maybe. But Ratu needs Tink’s goggles to do it.”

“I think I can arrange that.” He opened his mouth to say something else, but a large figure blocked the door, carrying a serving platter in her hands.

“Breakfast is ready.” The cyclops Sofia, standing seven feet tall, walked around the table and set down multiple plates of food. French toast, bacon, scrambled eggs, and a fruit salad were set before him, and he took the napkin off his plate and set it in his lap.

“Where is Tink?” asked Sofia, turning her purple eye on Mike.

“Um, I don’t know. She didn’t come to bed last night.” He tried to grab his fork, but Sofia swatted his hand.

“She doesn’t eat, you don’t eat. Gods know she works herself to the bone, you may as well keep her fed.”

“Alright, alright, geez.” Though Sofia cast a baleful look his way, he knew it was largely an act. Still, she was right in that the little goblin worked altogether too hard. “I’ll bring her, but could you make sure I have a fresh cup of coffee?”

“I’m not your fucking slave, Caretaker.” She walked out of the room back toward the kitchen, and Mike stood and walked back to the living room.

He hadn’t seen Tink out front, so the number of places she could be was limited. He ran up to his bedroom first, just to make sure that she hadn’t wandered in after the sun came up. Seeing that she wasn’t there, he went into his bathroom and knocked on the edge of the enormous tub.

“Hey Naia?” he asked, his voice echoing in the bathroom. 

The faucet turned itself on, and the tub filled within seconds, pressurized by the hot spring below the house. The surface of the water rippled and rose, and a human form made of water appeared before him. The transparent liquid solidified into the body of a voluptuous woman with green and blue hair.

“Morning, lover.” The nymph leaned forward and grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and pulled him in for a kiss. Her tongue was hot in his mouth, and he felt a sudden surge of blood to his nether region. “What can I do for you?”

“Um, hey, I uh… oh! I was looking for Tink. Have you seen her?”

Naia pouted, fluttering her long lashes. “Really? That’s all you wanted?”

“Well, actually, I wanted breakfast, but Sofia won’t let me eat until I bring Tink with me.” He gave the nymph a smile and brushed a lock of hair away from her eyes. “I can make time for you later, but I’m starving right now.”

She stuck out her tongue and laughed. “She’s out in the garage with Dana. Those two are thick as thieves nowadays.”

He chuckled. “I thought the two of them had a falling out last week?”

“I believe Dana phrased it as creative differences, but that was last week. Apparently there’s a new project that the two of them spent all night working on. Might not be a bad idea to see what they are up to.”

“Okay, then, I’m off.” He gave her a quick peck on the lips. “Keep the water warm for me?”

“Maybe.” She winked and her whole body turned to water and fell back into the tub. He walked down the hallway and then down the stairs until he was on the first floor again. Walking past the bathroom, he was at the back door of the house.

Stepping outside, he marveled at the large plot of land that sat before him. When he had first moved in, his backyard had been large enough for a moderately-sized dinner party. Now, he could easily host a couple of weddings, maybe even an amusement park if he was so inclined.

There was now a large, stone patio that wrapped around the rear of the house. Naia’s fountain was at the bottom of a small set of stairs, surrounded by large flower pots. To the left of the fountain was the door to the garage, which had been modified to accommodate a centaur, but Zel had moved out several weeks back to live with her tribe. 

The former carriage house was now home to Tink and Dana’s workshop. Mike crossed the garden and walked inside, wrinkling his nose at the smell.

“What is that?” he asked, squinting into the shadows. On the other side of the workshop, a lone figure could be seen silhouetted by a small desk lamp.

“Hmm?” The figure spun around, revealing a pale, college-aged woman with her dirty blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail. Dana wore a dirty white tank top with grease stains on it, and had a gnarly scar around the top of her left arm where it had been ripped off and then reattached. The zombie wore a pair of magnifying goggles on her face, and her gray eyes blinked at him through the thick lenses. “Oh, the smell? Combination of solder and a capacitor that I blew a few minutes ago. Not gonna lie, I kind of enjoy the smell.”

“What are you making?” He walked over to get a better view of her work table.

“Tink and I were working on building a couple of drones.”

“Any reason?”

“Yes, actually.” Dana tilted up her goggles and let out a sigh. “The Moon tribe wants to properly map out the greenhouse, or at least the area near the door. They’ve been slowly spreading out, but the jungle is super thick and they don’t want to risk disturbing some of the more valuable flora in place. Abella offered to help, but we figured actual aerial images would be far more useful.”

“It sounds like a great idea, but… I mean, I could just buy them.”

Dana smirked. “Actually, you can’t. The greenhouse is an interesting place. You wouldn’t know it, but it has a really wild magnetic field, and GPS won’t work there, obviously. There’s a bunch of radio interference as well, and I’m not sure why.”

“Then what’s your plan?”

“We’re modifying the drones to use magic as a means of both power and navigation. Ratu suggested uysing these weird little gems that came from some sort of golems or whatever.” Dana held up a stone roughly the size of a marble. “I guess they were cores to something that attacked the house and can sort of be programmed. Right now I’m trying to figure out how to make an interface between the drone and the stones, but all we’ve accomplished so far is blowing up circuitry.”

“I’m sure you’ll get it soon enough. Speaking of we, where is Tink?”

Dana pointed to the corner. A large reclining chair was between a stack of parts and boxes, and a small green figure lay passed out on the brown leather.

Mike walked over and knelt down, holding up a fist. “How are you today, Tick Tock?”

A small door opened in the arm of the chair, and a silver fist popped out and bumped against Mike’s knuckles. It was a trick that he had taught the mimic a while back as a method of greeting. Unfortunately, it also meant that Mike had unsuccessfully tried to fist bump some of the new furniture in the house.

“Yeah, she passed out a couple hours ago.” Dana flipped her glasses down and turned back to the table.

“C’mon, breakfast time.” Mike leaned forward and tickled the base of the goblin’s tail. She let out a quiet shriek and folded her tail underneath her bottom, trying once more to get comfy. “C’mon, come get some food and then go back to bed.”

Tink opened her eyes and yawned, revealing needle sharp teeth. “Still early. Husband come back in morning.”

“Breakfast is on the table, and Sofia is pissed that you aren’t there.”

“Tink super tired,” she mumbled, but slid forward off the chair. She adjusted the magical goggles on her head and then yawned again. “Tink eat good food and go take nap.” Giving Mike a playful swat on the rear, she left the garage.

“How about you? Care to join us?”

“You know I don’t eat normal food anymore.” Dana raised an eyebrow. “And I know you aren’t suggesting I blow you under the table in front of everybody. At least, I don’t think you are. Are you asking me to blow you in front of everybody?”

“Uh, no, that’s not what I… I was just thinking you could come visit, or…”

“Relax, I’m just messing with you.” She took off her goggles and tossed them on the workshop table. “Honestly, I don’t care either way, but it’s a good habit to keep. When I’m human again, I don’t want to be a wet blanket or anything.”

Mike let out a sigh of relief. Dana was impossible to read, but that was a direct result of being dead. Most of her emotions were muted, meaning that she had the world’s best poker face. It didn’t help that the succubus Lily had rubbed off on the young woman, giving her a rather wicked sense of humor. “Okay, I’ll see you at the table then.”

“Yep. Just gotta change my shirt and wash up.” She stretched, her bones popping audibly. Mike left the garage and walked back in the house, the smell of fresh coffee luring him back to the dining hall. Tink sat next to his empty seat, her wide eyes on a stack of French toast that Sofia had plopped in front of her. The goblin was pouring syrup on top of them while licking her lips.

When Mike sat down, he saw that a hot cup of coffee had already been poured for him, and bacon put on his plate. With a smile, he stole a bite of Tink’s French toast, earning a pinch from the goblin. Sofia brought him a proper breakfast, then sat across the table from him with a plate of her own. The floor beneath her seat was recessed, allowing her to sit eye level with everyone else.

A yellow ball of light zipped into the room and landed on the table, transforming into a tiny woman with wings and black stripes across her body. 

“Good morning, Daisy.” Mike slowly used his hands to sign the words.

Good morning, she signed back, then hopped over to Beth, who had already poured some of her coffee into a tiny cup. Daisy took it and sat on the edge of the sudoku book, interested in Reggie’s progress.

Yuki walked into the room a few seconds later, her hair a tangled mess. The kitsune yawned and sat down two chairs away from Sofia, then reached out to help herself to a slice of bacon.

“Rough night?” asked Mike.

“Kind of. I was up late painting a new tarot card.” Yuki had learned how to imbue tarot cards with magic, a skill that took a lot of time and concentration. It would be years before she could replenish her deck, but it wasn’t as though she had any other projects, other than occasionally helping the naga Ratu.

“Which one?” Mike asked.

“Four of Swords.” Yuki grabbed another piece of bacon, and Mike couldn’t help but notice the dirty look that Sofia gave her. It was obvious that the cyclops still hadn’t forgiven Yuki for turning her to stone, and he made a mental note to talk with her about it later. “Only six more cards in that suit to go once I’m done.”

“How long will that take you?”

“Maybe a year.” She snuck another piece of bacon and sniffed the air, her nose wrinkling up. “Does someone need to take the garbage out?”

Moments later, Dana walked in. Yuki’s cheeks turned red, and she focused her attention on putting some eggs on a plate and grabbing a piece of French toast. The zombie sat down at the end of the table, and her sad eyes swept over the serving plates.

“Smells delicious.”

“You’ll get to eat normal food again.” Mike set his coffee down. “Do you want me to get you some of your food?”

“Um… yeah, if you don’t mind.” Dana leaned forward and poured herself a cup of coffee. Vapor hovered over the hot mug, and she wrapped her fingers around it. She let out a small sigh. “That feels good on my hands.”

Mike stood up and ran for the fridge. Inside the vegetable crisper was a box of shot glasses. Each one had a plastic lid, and inside was a concentrated version of his semen, combined with a few other ingredients. It was a recipe that Zel had taught anyone willing to learn, and it helped Dana stave off her hunger. He brought it back and handed the shot glass over.

“Thanks.” She popped the top off the shot glass and looked across the table. “Anyone else want some cream?”

Tink snorted, then grabbed her nose in agony when a piece of bacon shot out. The rest of the table just looked at her, unsure if she was joking or not.

Her lip hooked up in a grin, and she poured the spooge concoction into her coffee. There were a few dribbles stuck inside the glass, and she hooked a finger in to retrieve it when Daisy fluttered over and held up her tiny cup.

“Oh. I was just kidding, but you’ll totally drink some, too, won’t you?” Dana used her nail to retrieve some spunk from the glass and scraped it across the top of Daisy’s tiny mug. The little fairy seemed to be waiting as Dana stirred her coffee with a spoon, then lifted it.

“Cheers, bug,” said Dana, and they clinked glasses. Daisy slammed hers in one go, wiping her lips off with her forearm. Like the other fairies in the house, Daisy was capable of transmuting sexual fluids into magic, and sparks now sprayed across the table from her wings.

Mike took his time enjoying breakfast. The conversation was largely casual, and once everybody was done, they went their separate ways. Mike wandered into the kitchen with Sofia, intent on helping her with the dishes. The kitchen had received a massive overhaul the previous month, and now featured some top-of-the-line appliances as well as an extra large sink. The cyclops was filling the sink with warm water when he joined her.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked her, picking up a sponge and scrubbing debris off of a large skillet. He ran it under the faucet, marveling at how quickly it cleaned up. Buying a new set of cookware had definitely paid off.

“Talk about what?” Sofia’s tone revealed that she knew exactly what Mike was referring to.

“You and Yuki. You two clearly don’t get along.” He handed her the pan and she picked up a towel and rubbed it dry.

“You’re right, we don’t. And frankly, we don’t have to.” She put the pan away and opened up the dishwasher. “But I’m guessing you aren’t going to let it go, are you?”

“Nope.” He started handing her plates to load, pausing on occasion to scrape something off. Tink had assured him that the dishwasher could handle the extra food stains, but he had always had junk appliances and old habits died hard. “The way I see it, she feels the same way. Or can tell you don’t like her.”

“Then why don’t you go ask her if you care so much?” Sofia turned around to put a plate in the dishwasher.

Mike rolled his eyes, but made sure to snap them back when she faced him once more. It was always unwise to antagonize the cyclops. “I would like to hear it from your perspective.”

Sofia groaned, and leaned against the counter. She was so tall that this just pushed her breasts forward through her apron, and Mike felt the gravity of her breasts pulling his gaze, but was able to resist. “It’s hard to explain.”

“For someone who reads so many books, I find it hard to believe that the words are beyond you.” He dried his hands on a towel and waited. Technically, she could easily just push him aside if she wanted, but he could see the indecision on her face. “Just do your best, okay?”

Sofia scowled at him, so he took a step forward and threw his arms around her waist and hugged her. After a moment of resistance, the stubborn cyclops melted and hugged him back, her breasts pressing up against the sides of his face.

“I guess I’m not over how quickly she took the house down,” she confessed, her voice bitter. “The house is adequately protected from the outside, but she reminds me that it would be easy for someone on the inside to turn on us, to ruin what we have here.”

“Yuki would never turn on us. Not anymore.”

“But you can’t know that. Look at how much evidence we have that Emily turned her back on us, and she was the Caretaker. What’s to stop anyone from doing the same thing?”

“Honestly? That’s the real reason we have to look out for each other. If we push someone away, that’s where those dark thoughts will find them. Even I’m not immune to temptation.” Mike thought about the shadow figure who occasionally appeared in his dreams, tempting him with forbidden knowledge. “If you really want to protect what we have, you have to cultivate it, not guard it. Isolating yourself or others allows room for those darker thoughts to come pouring in. Suddenly, a rash decision makes complete sense, and you start thinking of everybody in terms of us or them.”

Sofia sighed. “I don’t think I’m ready to forgive yet.”

“I’m not asking you to. But maybe if you found some common ground and tried to have new experiences with her, you may see her for who she is. Remember, she lived for so many years with all of you, but was completely forgotten. It’s hard for her to find a balance when she’s a stranger to her own family.”

“Ugh. I hate that you’re making so much sense right now.” Her tone was sassy, but she gave him a good squeeze, firmly embedding his face in her breasts. “The idea that I would ever get good advice from a mere human…”

He tried to pinch her side, but she dropped her arm and casually slapped his hand out of the way. Her purple eye was still glowing with the magic of her future sight when she knelt down and kissed his forehead.

“You should stop by the Library more often. It could be… educational for both of us.” She winked (or blinked, he really couldn’t tell), and sashayed out of the kitchen. He tapped the counter with his fingers, wondering if he should maybe follow after her and see what she had to offer him now.

The cellphone in his pocket vibrated, and he pulled it out. It was a calendar notification reminding him that he was supposed to check in with the centaurs.

Frowning, he put his phone away and rinsed out the sink real fast. A Caretaker’s work was never done.

---

It would take nearly an hour to walk to where the centaurs had set up their camp, but Reggie and his rats had it covered. Shortly after the centaurs had moved into the greenhouse, a small structure had been built that was large enough to accommodate a portal in their village. An exit had been chewed into the perimeter wall of the front yard and surrounded with foliage for privacy. With Tink’s help, a door had been built into it that could be bolted from the centaur’s side to prevent any unexpected intrusions.

The door was wide and tall, and currently open. Warm, humid air greeted him, and he stepped through to the other side. The exit was up the hill from where the centaurs had been building their miniature barns. Without wild game, they had no fabric from which to build their yurts, so had been forced to improvise with a little help from Tink and some Youtube tutorials she had downloaded.

Nearby centaurs spotted him and waved hello, but continued on with their work. These people were refugees, centaurs who had been exiled from their herd for various reasons. Yuki had turned them all to stone when they had wandered onto her mountain, and kept them stored in her tower. Now, they were able to live freely under Zel’s leadership without fear of retribution from their former tribe. 

The centaurs had been instrumental in getting the front of his house repaired after it had been destroyed, and seemed very excited to have a large, unspoiled parcel of land to live on. After a quick ecological survey, they had cleared a plot of land rather quickly, taking care to only chop down trees that had no pharmacological worth. The whole jungle was full of extremely rare ingredients, and Mike imagined that this herd of centaurs would rapidly expand their knowledge. Zel had lived alone in this jungle since she was a teen, and was already extremely proficient in her knowledge of potions and other delightful concoctions.

“Caretaker!” A centaur with swirling tattoos and dark skin ran up to him, a spear in hand. “Welcome!”

“Well met, Leo. And it’s Mike.” None of the centaurs seemed comfortable calling Mike by his name, no matter how hard he tried. Leo was one of the younger males that was stationed as a guard. When he was younger, he had been exiled for questioning the teachings of the tribe. Though he appeared no older than nineteen, he had been exiled over a decade earlier and had been turned to stone shortly after. “Have you seen Zel?”

“She is speaking with the shaman. Come.” Leo trotted off, and Mike followed at a light jog.

The shaman in question was actually Zel’s aunt who had snuck her into the greenhouse through the use of a portal that Emily later sealed up. The two of them shared a family resemblance to the extent that they could be mother and daughter.

Near the center of the village was a small hut with smoke coming from the chimney. From outside, it smelled like somebody had dumped the contents of a full medicine cabinet into a hot spring. He wrinkled his nose at the smell, and could soon taste it in his mouth. He had no idea what they were making, but it smelled terrible.

Leo paused at the door flap and casually knocked on the frame before entering. After a few moments of conversation, Zel appeared, a large smile on her face.

“There you are.” She came over and gave him a hug, placing his face firmly in her chest and giving him flashbacks to less than an hour ago with Sofia. Zel’s breasts were far smaller, however, her height mainly the result of her horse half. “I was hoping I would see you today.”

“You look good.” The hug ended, and he stepped back to appraise her. Her hair had been braided with beads and small shells, and her face positively glowed with energy. Being reunited with her own kind seemed to be very good for her.

“So do you, but… I think you need another haircut.” She tousled his hair, and he scowled. Ever since the first time he had used his magic while the two of them were fucking, his hair now grew much faster and he could run faster and farther than ever before. He wasn’t ready for the Olympics yet, but being able to jog without getting tired was a huge improvement for someone who had led a sedentary existence only a few months ago.

“Has it been three weeks already?” He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. There had been a fight between the others the first time he had announced that he needed a haircut. There had been much discussion about what hairstyle would look cutest on him, and in the end, it had been Naia who had just trimmed it down for him.

“It has, and it’s been almost a week since I’ve seen you. How is the house?”

Mike filled her in on the others. Ever since Zel had moved out, she had become increasingly busy managing her new tribe, and he saw her less now than ever. Her responsibilities were vast, and he had the feeling that someday soon, she would be too busy to just drop by for a visit. The thought made him sad, but he couldn’t help but feel immensely happy for how things had turned out for her.

He finished telling her about how Sofia and Yuki didn’t seem to get along and she nodded knowingly.

“We’ve also had some of that here. Not all of the exiles quite see eye to eye with each other, and we’ve had our share of arguments.”

“So what have you been doing to quell the fighting?”

“Not a whole lot, yet. Most of the squabbles are trivial, but I’d be remiss to believe they won’t never get worse. There’s always the threat of exile back to the old world, but my aunt has been really great at mediating disputes and ensuring peace afterward. I am learning a lot from her.”

“I’m glad to hear it. Speaking of your aunt, what on earth are you guys working on? It smells like somebody made a perfume called ‘Grandma’s House.’”

Zel snorted. “We’re working on a bunch of things. We’ve got a project from Ratu that’s related to Dana’s situation, but that’s going to take some trial and error. We are also looking at accelerants for plant growth, as we would like to start cultivating better food at some point. There’s even talk of importing game so that we can have meat on our diet again, but that’s largely up to you.”

Mike nodded, unsure what to say. The greenhouse didn’t have any animals living in it, and he was unsure if there was a good reason for that. “I’ll talk it over with some of the others. I don’t see an issue, but obviously we need to be careful what we bring here.”

“Absolutely.” She smiled. “Other than that, your usual potions and experiments. We may have found a use for Dragon’s Breath, but the jury is still out on that.”

He smiled at the memory of his first meeting with Zel. The two of them had gotten some Dragon’s Breath on them, and had rushed to a nearby spring to wash the burning powder off, which led to some fooling around. “I’m curious to see what you come up with.”

“And I’m anxious to tell you. I miss you and the others, but…” She cast a glance over her shoulder at the busy village that was forming behind her. 

“I get it.” He took her hand and squeezed it. “There’s no place like home.”

“Yeah. This place has so much promise, and I look forward to exploring some of the secrets I wasn’t able to by myself. Hey, do you want to see some of our new buildings?”

“I would love to.” He continued holding her hand and walked amongst the centaurs as an exalted guest. He was greeted with smiles and more than a few waves, which he returned. While he didn’t expect special treatment for giving the centaurs this land to live on, he certainly appreciated their gratitude.

Zel showed him the new expansions with excitement, and laid out some more ideas that they had. The way that her eyes shone with excitement when she spoke plastered a huge smile on his face. He stayed with the centaurs for lunch, which was a delightful nut and fruit platter that left him feeling full. When Zel escorted him to the exit, he gave her a huge hug.

“I had a great time, and I’m glad to see that you are all thriving.”

“We are. Hey, I was wondering. During the next full moon, we’re having my official naming ceremony as Herd Leader. I would really like it if you could come.”

“I wouldn’t miss it.” He took out his phone and checked the calendar. The next full moon was in ten days, so he put it in his calendar. “Let me know if I need to bring anything.”

“Just yourself, and anybody else who wants to come.” She leaned forward and kissed him full on the lips. “Try and stay out of trouble, won’t you?”

“Heh. I’ll do my best.” He walked into the small hut and back through the door, shivering at the cool air of his front yard. A trio of centaurs looked up from a nearby bush when he emerged, and he waved to them.

“You’re all doing a great job out here, by the way.” He walked past them and into the house. He paused in the opening as Death glided past, a fresh pot of tea in one hand and his cup in the other. Behind him, Cerulea and Carmina followed just a couple of feet behind. 

“Ahem.” Mike put his hands on his hips and glared at the fairies. They gasped when they saw him and bolted, disappearing in two different directions. Satisfied that they wouldn’t pester the Grim Reaper, he went into the backyard to find Naia dancing quietly in her fountain. The water beneath her formed into geysers that became tiny pedestals for her to stand on, and the waterproof speaker Tink had installed by the fountain was playing something classical. 

Naia’s movements were smooth, and she literally flowed around the fountain, her body often becoming water and moving with her. In the center of her fountain was a series of basins, and she had a small collection of birds that watched her dance, as well as a squirrel and the green fairy Olivia. Mike sat on the edge of the fountain and watched the beautiful nymph dance.

Several minutes went by, and when Naia spotted him with her sapphire eyes, she simply smiled and kept dancing. She wore a low cut white gown that was cinched at her waist, and her skirt parted when she moved to reveal muscular legs with slightly webbed feet at the bottom. Water bubbles floated around her, popping in time with the music while she moved to the beat, and her green and blue hair cascaded across her shoulders, bobbing with every leap. The way she moved was making his cock hard, and he couldn’t stop thinking about all the times he had been intimate with her, exploring that magnificent body of hers with his own.

She was the best thing that had ever happened to him.

The music came to a stop, and Mike and Olivia both clapped. Naia took a bow, then moved toward the edge of the fountain.

“See something you like?” She winked at him lasciviously.

“As a matter of fact, I do.” He put his hands on the edge of the fountain and leaned forward. Naia couldn’t leave her fountain, except to travel to the bathtub in his bathroom. “A couple of things, actually.”

“All you have to do is ask.” Naia licked her lips, her eyes flitting across his body.

“Well, one thing is obvious, but there’s something else I need from you first, before we become too distracted.” He looked up at the dark line of his own hair that hovered in the edge of his vision. “Apparently I’m in need of a trim.”

“I can arrange that.” Naia looked over at Olivia. “Can you bring me the salon kit? It’s in the cabinet under the sink. Oh, and one of the hand towels, please.”

Olivia gave a mock salute and flew up toward Mike’s bedroom window. With a bit of magic, she made the window open and flew inside.

“Can she carry all that?” Mike asked.

“If she doesn’t get distracted, maybe.” They both watched, and eventually Olivia reappeared carrying a small black canvas case with a towel rolled up in the handles. She fluttered down, her long grasshopper legs hooked through the handle of the bag.

“Thanks.” She took the bag from Olivia. “If you wait around, I have a surprise for you.”

Olivia let out a small cheer and a pirouette. Naia was one of the few people who could ensure obedience from the fairies, so Olivia took her place back on one of the water basins, her legs kicking with anticipation.

“So what will it be?” Naia gestured for him to enter her fountain. 

“Just a trim, please.” He took off his shoes and walked in, marveling at how the water didn’t even seep into his clothes. Naia could control the water in her fountain with her magic, making it do anything she wanted. He noticed lately that she seemed to have even more control over what it could do, and smiled when a series of water jets formed at the halfway mark.

“This part is always a little weird,” he told her when he tried to sit on the water jets. There was enough pressure in them to easily support his weight, and he was soon floating on a chair made of water. “I feel like I’m going to fall through.”

“I’d never let anything bad happen to you.” She leaned forward and touched his hair. It was long enough that the tips were starting to curl. “How about we wash you up first?”

“Sounds good.”

Naia summoned a sphere of water that hovered between them, then opened up the bag. She pulled out a pair of scissors and a small bottle of shampoo. She squeezed some shampoo into the floating orb, and it swirled the pearly substance around until the the sphere looked like a milky white marble. With a wave of her hand, the sphere attached itself to his scalp, and hundreds of tiny water fingers scrubbed away at his hair.

“That feels nice.” he told her.

“Oh, I’m not done yet.” She dunked the towel in water and then folded it up, her face screwed up in concentration. Steam emanated from the towel in her hand as she heated up the water. Moving behind Mike, she stretched and wrapped it over his face.

“Mmf,” he said, only his nose poking through the opening. Her fingers pressed against his temples, and the water fingers in his hair applied pressure to his scalp.

“Abella and I looked this up. I thought it would be more fun than just a snip and trim.”

“Mmhmm,” Mike agreed. The minutes passed while she massaged him, and suddenly the chair beneath him shifted. Water jets had become hands that clutched his body, rubbing his legs and arms. He tried to remove the towel, but Naia held it in place.

“Leave it on. Let me have my fun.”

He relaxed, and the watery hands beneath him massaged him all over, and slowly worked his pants off. Mike suppressed a chuckle, knowing that the nymph would have her way with him one way or the other, and he was soon hard and ready for her.

Still, she sat behind him, her strong hands massaging his scalp. The water around his head flowed away, and she hummed a song to herself. The hands massaging his thighs pulled his legs apart, and more hands formed around his scrotum, spreading across his pelvis and stroking him everywhere.

A tiny groan escaped his lips when the hands found the base of his cock and began stroking him. The stroking stopped, and then fingers circled his shaft and squeezed while rising, disappearing once they reached the top. He shuddered, and moaned into his hot towel.

“More,” he mumbled.

“Oh, I’ll give you more.” Naia’s hands remained on his head, but tiny mouths licked and kissed his cock. He bucked his hips a little, and his own magic came to life, deep inside his belly. It was magic born of a sexual union with the banshee Cecilia, a cross between her fae nature and the nymph magic that Naia had bestowed upon Mike on the day he had become the Caretaker of his house. He could sense danger when it was near, had essentially no refractory period, and could generate electricity that caused powerful orgasms.

While not harmful, he had recently discovered that this electricity caused a tiny piece of his soul to swap with whoever he was fucking. As a result, he imagined his soul was now a patchwork quilt of nearly everyone in the house. He had already begun manifesting some of his housemates traits, but aside from being able to scream like a banshee, they all seemed to be minor.

A small mass landed on his belly, and he tried to move, but his wrists were held in place by strong hands.

“Go ahead, Olivia,” said Naia.

The fairy let out a cheer and he felt her walk across his belly until she stood next to his cock. The tiny mouths vanished, and he heard the fluttering of wings quickly become an intense buzzing sound. Wondering what on earth the fairy was up to, his hips bucked when he felt the vibrating wings tickle the edge of his glans, a sensation very similar to a magic bullet on crack.

“Holy… nggh!” He did his best to hold still, but the sensation was both ticklish and pleasurable. Olivia was clearly moving around his crotch, her wings fluttering across his frenulum. He gasped several times, his magic spreading across his body in waves.

“Hmm. It looks like you’re getting close,” Naia told him, and she let go of his head. When she removed the towel from his face, he looked down to see Olivia hungrily licking the opening of his cock and lapping up what she could of his precum before Naia shooed her away.

The nymph straddled him with her long, beautiful legs and lifted her gown just enough so that it wouldn’t catch between them. With a wink, she sank onto him, taking his massive cock inside of her.

Mike moaned, and Naia playfully swiveled her hips until she had sunk all the way down onto him. Her innards swirled in circles, and he felt those same fingers begin jacking him off in discrete movements. The water beneath him pushed him forward until he was in a sitting position with Naia right in front of him. He tried to grab the nymph, but was puzzled when he realized that the water was still restraining him.

“Naia?” Confused, he watched her pull the scissors from a pocket in her gown.

“Oh, I don’t want you to move. I might mess up your hair.” She leaned forward, her vagina squeezing him tightly while he slid out of her. Naia used her fingers to measure a few lengths of hair and made a couple of snips before sinking onto him again. Mike gasped, but she continued cutting his hair this way, her pussy clenching him tightly with every thrust. The water held him by the neck and shoulders now, preventing him from moving while she fucked him, and his whole body pulsed with energy.

She worked quickly, shearing away his excess locks in a matter of minutes, every snip of the scissors punctuated with the sensation of her curvaceous ass slamming into his thighs. He groaned, the electricity jumping between the two of them, and Naia’s lowered the scissors more than once to catch her breath before continuing.

“Naia, please… don’t stop.” He was so close, his cock twitching every time she sank down on him.

The nymph smirked, and settled her movements. “Your sideburns aren’t even yet,” she told him, then pulled a straight edge razor from her kit. 

Mike’s throat went dry as he did his best to hold still. Naia was now doing slight pelvic thrusts that sent jolts of pleasure straight to his spine. She dragged the razor across his skin, and he barely felt a thing as the water splashed him clean after each pass. Apparently she had given several haircuts to the Caretakers of the house over the years, but he had no idea where she gained her abilities with the razor in her hand. She leaned forward and squared off his neckline without even looking at it.

He felt there were plenty of rational explanations for how she could do it, but it really came down to one word: magic.

“Hmm.” Naia folded up the razor and grabbed Mike’s chin, tilting his face back and forth. “Looks good.”

“I bet it does.” His voice squeaked when she squeezed his cock with her vagina. Her innards now felt like a series of fingers squeezing and stroking his sensitive shaft.

“But it seems like you’re still a bit stressed.” Her hips undulated on top of him. “If only I knew of a way to—”

Mike yanked his arms free of her watery lashes and grabbed her by the hips. Naia laughed when he tipped her onto her back, the water jets moving beneath them to support her weight as well. He held her tightly while he pounded her, his cock growing even harder when he heard her cry out his name. Her clitoris was swollen and hard now, the nymph’s pearl pressing against him.

The water beneath them turned to steam, floating into the sky above as Mike let out a yell and blew his load into the nymph. His magic washed over her, and her entire body turned transparent for a moment, revealing that his magic pulsed through her and ricocheted off the surface of her body, filling her with light. She let out a scream of her own and clamped her legs tightly against his waist, and the fountain gushed water nearly thirty feet in the air, creating an artificial rainstorm that soaked both of them.

Panting, Mike was unable to pull his cock free before the magic ricocheted back into him, and he filled her up again. He could see both of his loads floating through her body now, sparkling with magical light. Her skin and clothes became opaque once more, and they both fell to the floor of the empty fountain, gasping for breath.

“You… never cease to amaze me, lover.” Naia rolled off of him and laid on one side. “Every time we’re together, it’s magic.”

“I know how you feel.” Mike sat up and kissed her, placing his hand on the back of her head. He twisted his fingers in her hair, marveling at how the strands turned to water and parted before he could get them too tangled.

They kissed this way for several minutes before Mike heard a gasp and a grunt, followed by the sound of something heavy hitting the roof. Breaking his kiss with Naia, he scanned the garden, his eyes eventually settling on the stony form on the roof watching them.

“You okay up there, Abella?” He squinted into the sky, unable to make out the expression on her face. Only her head was visible where she sat, and he could really only see her silhouette.

“Um.. yeah, I’m fine. Just, uh...” Abella sank out of view before she finished her sentence, and Mike suppressed a laugh. Clearly the gargoyle had been watching them, and he had a pretty good guess what she had been up to.

“You’ve got more work to do,” Naia told him as she stood up. Water refilled the fountain, and she helped him to the edge, waving her hand a few times to dry him off with her magic. He put his clothes back on and blew her another kiss before going in the house. He caught sight of his reflection in the window on his way in the back door, and thought his hair looked much better now. 

Even with the stupid grin he was wearing.

---

The afternoon was spent ordering more supplies for the house. Inheriting the house had come with an extremely hefty sum of cash, the kind that generated enough interest in a year to comfortably live off of. However, he still had to watch his spending, because so much of that cash was earmarked for multiple repairs on the house, as well as food, various supplies, and the occasional gift for one of his housemates. Even now, Yuki was likely in her room using the easel he had bought her to work on her tarot cards. It was a fascinating process where she painted the card nearly life size and then shrank it down it fit in her pocket.

After a meeting with Reggie to discuss rat affairs, the smell of pot roast lured him to the dinner table. Everyone from breakfast was there, but Ratu herself had also made a rare appearance, wearing a beautiful red gown with a green dragon moving across it. Her dark skin was punctuated with snake scales, and the naga raised a glass of wine when Mike entered.

“Are we celebrating?” he asked.

“Only a bit. I had a recent breakthrough in some of my research, and thought I deserved a treat.” She winked at him, then drained her glass before letting Reggie refill it for her. The rat sat between the naga and Beth, and he adjusted his Mr. Potato Head glasses when Sofia set a plate of food in front of him.

“No Asterion tonight?” He was surprised that the minotaur hadn’t come with Ratu.

“He’s in a foul mood.” Ratu smirked.

“I’m afraid some of my subjects set off a rather complex series of traps this morning.” Reggie’s whiskers trembled when he spoke. “He has spent all day trying to reset a small section of the Labyrinth.”

“Yes, I’m afraid he would be bad company, even for you.” Ratu smirked at Beth. The lawyer blushed, and concentrated on her own meal when it arrived.

While everybody was eating, Dana made another appearance at the table, holding a coffee mug in her hand.

"I thought you already ate this morning." Mike looked at the young woman with concern. "Everything okay?"

In response, Dana held up her other hand. He winced when he saw the deep gashes in her palm. The wounds didn't bleed, but it still freaked him out to see her hand so mangled.

"Tried something new with one of the rotor assemblies. It went poorly, and now my hand keeps catching on everything." Dana sat close to Tink and downed half of the contents of her mug. Like an obscene magic trick, she held out her palm so the others could watch the edges of her torn flesh light up like fiber optic cables and slowly knit themselves back together. "Good as new, I guess."

Tink just shook her head. "Dead girl wait for Tink next time," she said, then focused on her own meal.

After dinner, Mike quietly excused himself and grabbed a beer from the fridge after sneaking away from the table. As much as he enjoyed the company of others, he needed some quiet moments to reflect, and he moved through the noisy dining hall without a word and headed out to the front yard.

Despite the general hubbub inside, his recent days had gotten lazy, and Mike wasn’t sure how he felt about it. After spending his first few weeks in the house dodging danger and meeting new people, it was nerve wracking just standing around waiting for the next thing to happen. There was at least one powerful warlock still out there with a grudge against him, and he couldn’t forget about the look that Elizabeth had given him when last they spoke. Having a pair of powerful enemies out in the world made it difficult for him to let his guard down, and he knew they would come for him eventually.

And when they did, he hoped he would be ready.

Still, leaning against the house with a beer in his hand, he couldn’t help but feel a small hole in his heart. Casting a wistful glance at the porch swing, he thought of the banshee Cecilia. She had disappeared about two months back after ferrying some wayward souls into the afterlife. Her absence made him sick to his stomach, but he knew that she was still alive, wherever she was. It had been accidental, but he had given a piece of his soul to the banshee and received a piece of hers in return.

Not that anybody knew if she even had a soul. Banshees were an ancient type of fae that were created from old faerie magic, and though she was alive, she was still very much a being of pure energy. When he had given her a piece of his soul, she had imbued him with that raw energy which now manifested itself as a series of sparks that he could summon on command.

That, and the ability to shriek at high volume. Ratu had insisted that he practice it like a skill, and after screaming himself hoarse over several nights, he could now let out a scream that would deafen anyone nearby and generate a powerful wind to go with it. 

Lily had teased him about it, asking him what color his cape would be when he eventually started fighting crime.

Today had been wonderful, but all he could think about was his missing friend. She was the last piece of the puzzle, and now that the sun was setting, he wanted nothing more than to sit with her and listen as the world put itself to bed. He had even asked Reggie if the rats could open a portal into the afterlife so that he could go find her, but the Rat King had informed him that a portal to the other side (as he called it) was outside of their power.

Sunset cast auspicious shadows across the front yard, and Mike leaned against the front railing, his eyes on the garden. He took another sip from his beer, then frowned. He was quickly reaching the bottom of the bottle, and he debated going back for another. The house had gone quiet behind him, and he suppressed a smile. 

The sun finally vanished behind the homes across the street, and darkness crept across the garden. The crescent moon sat above him in the sky, and glowing flowers bloomed beneath its pale light. Lightning bugs flickered in the garden, and Mike watched them dance around above the flowers. The front garden was its own magical biome now, and he wondered what sort of other creatures would manifest in time. Had the front yard looked this way for Emily?

The moon’s glow intensified over the garden, and the fireflies began to fly in circles, swarming together where the maze began. The flowers shifted colors like Christmas lights, and the air went still around him. Distant music filled the air as a glowing portal opened between the bugs, stretching wide and forming an oval. Beams of light burst through, and he could hear the gentle pulsing of waves against the shore. It was a portal to the afterlife, the same kind that Cecilia had vanished through.

Mike dropped his beer and leapt off the porch, running for the portal’s entrance. A glowing figure stepped through, illuminated from behind.

“Cecilia!” Arms outstretched, he ran for her. The portal zipped shut, allowing the moonlight to illuminate the dark figure who stepped through. The spectral figure was dressed in black leather and had long, dark hair that hung just past his shoulders and contrasted with pale skin that practically glowed.

MIke slid to a stop, stumbling briefly right in front of the newcomer before losing his balance and falling down in the grass.

“You must be Mike.” The newcomer knelt down and offered his hand. “I’ve heard a lot about you.” His accent was thick, with an Irish lilt to it.

“Um… okay.” Mike took the hand offered to him and stood. “Sorry about that, I thought you were somebody else.”

“I figured as much.” The figure gave a gentle bow, then stood. His eyes were pitch black, putting Mike on guard immediately.

“So… can I help you with something?”

“Indeed. My name is Sulyvahn, and I was sent by the faerie queen.”

“Faerie queen?”

“Yes, my liege. She has a contract with the builder of this home requiring one of my kind to maintain a watch on the premises and escort its Caretaker to the other side at the appropriate time.”

“That… that’s Cecilia’s job.” The world felt like it was closing in on Mike, and he gritted his teeth.

Sulyvahn’s smile faded. “I’m afraid that is no longer the case. I am to be her replacement. It isn’t the type of work I normally do, but work is short for one such as I these days, and exceptions must be made.”

“Wait. Do you know where she is?” Mike grabbed Sulyvahn by the arms and tried not to shake him.

“She is currently a guest of the queen, and likely will not be returning.” Sulyvahn’s dark eyes flicked to where Mike held him.

“Why?!?” When Mike spoke, his voice left him with a blast of energy that rustled nearby plants, and chased away the fireflies. Sulyvahn’s hair billowed out behind him, caught in the breeze.

Sulyvahn’s jaw dropped. “That... was the cry of a banshee! How?”

Behind him, the front door opened, and he heard footsteps. Beth and Tink were by his side first, followed by some of the others.

“You have quite the menagerie,” Sulyvahn noted. “Greetings and well met. My name is Sulyvahn. I am here to act as your guide to the afterlife.”

“We heard shouting,” Beth said, putting a hand on Mike’s elbow. “Is everything okay?”

“He said he is Cecilia’s replacement.” Mike let go of the man, his fists balling up. “He says the faerie queen has her.”

“Is he a banshee too?” Beth took a step toward the man, curiosity on her face.

“Nay, fair lass. The banshee are women-folk only. I am a different type of fae. I usually ride around on a horse, but I dinna need one if I’m to stay.” Sulyvahn grabbed the hair on top of his head and lifted. His head separated from his body, and inky black smoke drifted up from his neck where it detached, and an insidious grin stretched across his face. 

“Mortals refer to my kind as a dullahan.”