Heartbeats and Illusions

Chapter 17: 017:This Is Not Who I Want



In an empty classroom at Shuchiin Academy, Kasumigaoka Utaha stood at the podium, her arms crossed in an air of authority.

"Let's begin the first briefing!" she declared firmly.

"Eri, take notes on the important details of this meeting," she added without missing a beat.

"Why me? You could just do it yourself," Eriri Spencer Sawamura retorted, her tone laced with irritation as she pouted.

Utaha rolled her eyes, undeterred. "Because I went through the trouble of borrowing this classroom, and I happen to have some information about that junior you're interested in. Are you sure you don't want it?"

Eriri's cheeks flushed, but she stubbornly folded her arms. "Fine! But let's be clear—this is purely for convenience. Don't read too much into it!" She stomped over to the podium, sulking.

Utaha smirked subtly, letting Eriri's outburst slide. The truth was, Eriri wasn't even on her radar as a rival. Despite Eriri's occasional displays of charm, Utaha knew she lacked the charisma to compete seriously. However, Eriri's connection to Kato Megumi, who was indispensable to her plan, made her cooperation useful.

With calculated precision, Utaha turned her attention to Kato. "Kato-san, since you've been in close contact with the juniors, could you share any useful information about Natsukawa-kun? Anything at all—his habits, routines, or quirks."

Kato raised a brow, her expression neutral. "I've only interacted with Natsukawa-kun recently, so I don't have much to share."

"That's fine," Utaha replied smoothly. "Even minor details could be helpful."

She trusted Kato implicitly. Unlike Eriri, Kato wasn't prone to petty emotional swings, and her calm demeanor made her a reliable source. Eriri, on the other hand, had once been pursued by Natsukawa Kanade, making her a wildcard. If Eriri chose to rekindle old flames, things could get messy—but not impossible to manage. Utaha felt secure in her strategy.

Kanade wasn't just another junior to Utaha. His dedication and thoughtful gestures had carved a special place in her heart. From preparing nutritious lunches to enduring her occasional tirades without complaint, Kanade had been a picture of devotion. Yet, beneath that façade, Utaha had detected something unsettling: a troubling humility that bordered on self-abandonment.

She recalled the moment vividly—his confession.

"I'm sorry, Natsukawa-kun," she had told him, her voice trembling with unspoken emotions. "I can't accept you as you are now. Please… value yourself more."

Utaha hadn't rejected him out of apathy. On the contrary, she hoped her words would inspire him to shed his subservient tendencies and reveal his authentic self—a person capable of standing as her equal. But instead of rising to the challenge, Kanade had withdrawn. He stopped sending her messages, no longer sought her out, and even avoided her gaze during passing encounters.

Days turned into weeks, and though Utaha maintained her calm façade, the absence gnawed at her. She observed him from afar, hoping for a sign that he was evolving into the person she envisioned. But her hopes were dashed when she caught him laughing and chatting with Eriri in the hallway.

Her chest tightened, a pang of jealousy flaring. You said you only liked me. How could you…?

She resolved to confront him. Surely, this was a misunderstanding—a momentary lapse that could be resolved. But when she approached him, his response left her speechless.

"I'm sorry, Kasumigaoka-senpai," Kanade said with a firm but gentle tone. "You had every right to reject me, and I have the right to move on. Please don't contact me privately anymore. I don't want Eriri to misunderstand."

Her composure cracked as she watched him walk away. Eriri, trailing behind him, threw a half-hearted complaint over her shoulder. "Stop yelling my name like that! What if someone hears you, idiot?"

Kanade chuckled. "What's the big deal? It just shows how close we are."

Utaha's heart sank. The image of Kanade happily engaging with Eriri replayed in her mind, mocking her. How could he be so unfaithful to his own feelings? Worse yet, she couldn't shake the suspicion that Eriri had poisoned his mind against her.

If Eriri thinks she can take him from me, she's sorely mistaken!

Fueled by determination, Utaha set her sights on dismantling their budding relationship. She sabotaged their alone time, subtly reminded Eriri of her unrequited feelings for Aki Tomoya, and even spread the notion that Kanade's feelings for Eriri were nothing but a rebound from his rejection by Utaha herself.

Her efforts bore fruit. Eriri, either mistrusting Kanade's sincerity or clinging to her feelings for Tomoya, eventually rejected his confession.

However, victory brought little satisfaction. Kanade resigned from the club the very next day, cutting all ties with her and others in their circle. Utaha's attempts to reconnect were futile; even his contact information had been erased.

Undeterred, she vowed to meet him in person. With painstaking effort, she tracked down his new class and discovered that he was now part of a group called the "Service Department."

Curious and apprehensive, Utaha stood before the door bearing that name. Her instincts screamed that opening it would change everything, but hesitation wasn't in her nature. She took a deep breath and pushed the door open.

Inside, her heart skipped a beat. There he was—Natsukawa Kanade. But the smile that once belonged to her was now directed at someone else.

"Hello, may I help you?" asked a girl with striking beauty, her tone polite yet distant.

Utaha froze. The girl was undeniably gorgeous, perhaps even surpassing her own beauty. The sight of her standing beside Kanade felt like a punch to the gut. Struggling to maintain her composure, Utaha muttered, "I… I think I have the wrong room. Sorry for disturbing you."

Without waiting for a reply, she turned and fled, her vision blurring with unshed tears. She had lost him—truly lost him.

Kasumigaoka Utaha stood in front of the "Service Club" door, replaying the scene she had just witnessed. Her heart was heavy, but the overwhelming emotion was disbelief.

For a long time, she believed herself to be in control of her feelings and the situation surrounding Natsukawa Kanade. But now, confronted with a reality she hadn't anticipated, her carefully crafted facade was beginning to crumble.

The next day, Kasumigaoka returned to school with her mind still occupied by the events of the previous evening. She felt restless. She couldn't focus on her usual writing or even her interactions with others.

"Utaha, are you okay?" Kato Megumi asked as she approached her in the cafeteria.

Kasumigaoka snapped out of her daze and quickly masked her emotions. "Of course, why wouldn't I be?"

"Hmm, you seem distracted. Did something happen?"

Kasumigaoka hesitated. Megumi was perceptive, but Utaha wasn't ready to admit the depth of her feelings or the turmoil she was experiencing. "Just writer's block," she said dismissively.

Megumi didn't press further but gave her a knowing look. "If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here."

Utaha nodded, thankful for Megumi's understanding but still unwilling to confide in her.

Later, during lunch, Kasumigaoka found herself unconsciously heading toward the classroom where she knew Kanade would be. She wasn't sure what she hoped to accomplish, but she knew she needed answers.

Peeking through the doorway, she saw him sitting with a group of classmates. He was smiling, his usual calm and composed demeanor intact. But something was missing.

He wasn't the same Natsukawa Kanade she had once known.

The boy who used to prioritize her, who would go out of his way to cater to her whims, was now a distant memory. He seemed content—perhaps even happy—but there was an air of detachment about him that she couldn't ignore.

As she watched him interact with others, she realized how little she truly understood him. The version of Kanade she had fallen for was one shaped by her own expectations and desires, not who he really was.

After school, Kasumigaoka gathered her courage and decided to confront him. She found him in the library, flipping through a book.

"Kanade," she called softly.

He looked up, surprised to see her. "Kasumigaoka-senpai. What brings you here?"

She hesitated, suddenly unsure of what to say. "I... I wanted to talk to you. Do you have a moment?"

He closed his book and gestured for her to sit. "Of course. What's on your mind?"

The calmness in his voice only made her more anxious.

"I've been thinking about what happened... between us," she began, carefully choosing her words. "I feel like I owe you an explanation."

Kanade's expression remained neutral. "You don't owe me anything, senpai. We've both moved on."

The simplicity of his response stunned her.

"But I didn't want to move on," she blurted out before she could stop herself.

Kanade raised an eyebrow. "Then why did you reject me?"

"I didn't reject you," she said quickly, "I rejected the version of you that wasn't being true to yourself."

Kanade leaned back in his chair, his gaze steady. "And who are you to decide what's true to me? People change, senpai. You wanted me to change, and I did. But maybe I realized that chasing after someone who doesn't see me for who I am isn't worth it."

His words hit her like a punch to the gut. She opened her mouth to respond but found herself at a loss.

"Kanade, I never meant to hurt you..."

"I know," he said, his tone softening slightly. "But sometimes, intentions don't matter as much as actions."

Kasumigaoka left the library feeling more conflicted than ever. She had always prided herself on her intelligence and ability to read people, yet she had misjudged Kanade entirely.

Back in her room that evening, she stared at her laptop, the blank document mirroring the emptiness she felt inside.

For the first time in a long while, she didn't know what to do.

The next few weeks passed in a blur. Kasumigaoka tried to focus on her writing and other commitments, but Kanade was always at the back of her mind.

She caught glimpses of him in the hallways or during club activities but didn't approach him again. Instead, she observed from a distance, hoping to understand him better.

One day, while walking home, she spotted him at a café with a girl she didn't recognize. They were laughing, their easy camaraderie a stark contrast to the tension she had felt during their last conversation.

Jealousy and regret flared within her, but she forced herself to keep walking.

That night, Kasumigaoka wrote a letter.

Kanade,

I don't know if you'll ever read this, but I feel like I need to say these things, even if only for my own sake.

She poured her heart into the letter, recounting their shared moments and her regrets. She apologized for her mistakes and admitted that she had been unfair to him.

I hope you find someone who sees you for who you truly are and loves you unconditionally. You deserve nothing less.

She sealed the letter but didn't send it. Instead, she placed it in a drawer, a silent testament to the lessons she had learned and the feelings she could no longer act upon.

For the first time, Kasumigaoka realized that love wasn't about control or shaping someone into the ideal partner. It was about acceptance—something she had failed to offer Kanade.

And as painful as it was, she knew it was time to let go. 


Tip: You can use left, right, A and D keyboard keys to browse between chapters.