NOVEL NEXT Chapter 89: April Fool's Folly
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Harry Potter and George Hypotenuse stood in the middle of a dark, densely overgrown cemetery on this cold night.
- Has anyone ever told you that the Goblet is a portal? - Hypotenuse asked.
Harry didn't have time to answer. From somewhere far away, from above, came a cold, shrill voice:
- Kill the extra.
And then a second voice:
- Avada Kedavra!
A green beam flew at Hypotenuse, but he dodged it at the last moment.
- That's it, you bastards! What an arse! Oh, how I don't envy you, - he exclaimed, then turned into a dragon and burnt everyone to hell.
Hypotenuse was awarded the Order of Merlin, First Class, for killing Voldemort, and Harry and Hagrid began breeding new species of dragons.
* * *
Graveyard. 01:04.
Harry Potter and Anton Granny stood in the middle of a dark, densely overgrown cemetery on this cold night.
- Did anyone ever tell you, bitch, that the Goblet is a portal? - Granny asked. - How the hell are we supposed to get out of here? That's a question we can save for later, though. Look what I've got, bitch!
Anton took out two bottles of vodka from behind his back.
- I propose to get drunk to the point of memory loss, to forget that we, how the hell did we end up in this cemetery! - suggested Babushka.
- I second that! - Harry agreed and transfigured the glasses. - There was a reason McGonagall said transfiguration would come in handy in my life.
Suddenly a cold, shrill voice came from somewhere far away, from above:
- Kill the extra.
- What the fuck are you, you fucking bitch! You don't have to kill anyone! Come drink vodka with us!
The second voice ignored Babushka's suggestion and exclaimed:
- Avada Kedavra!
The green beam hit right into Nana's chest and he died.
- Anto-on! No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!' Harry fell to his knees and suddenly, out of nowhere, sad music started playing.
Suddenly a bear roar came from the neighbouring forest. Then another. And another. One by one, bears started coming out of the forest. Each one had a sabre in his hand and a blue and white striped T-shirt with 'Airborne Troops' written on it.
- My Lord? - The second voice addressed the first. - Is it just me, or did we just do some unbelievable shit?
- It's not my imagination, Tails,' he replied. - I'm sure of it!
P.S. The torn and desecrated bodies of Lord Voldemort and Tails were found in the middle of the Siberian Forest. Harry Potter wasn't found in a drunken state in Omsk until six months later. The one thought he had been killed and gone to hell, so horrible was the place he found himself in. The boy-who-survived was hailed a hero and given a huge cash reward.
Potter drank all the money he earned.
* * *
Cemetery. 01:04.
Harry Potter and Juliette Laurent stood in the middle of a dark, densely overgrown cemetery on this cold night.
- Did anyone ever tell you that the Cup is a portal? - Juliette asked.
- Baguette. Croissant. Elfivaya tower. Bonjour! I agree with whatever conclusion you come to. Just please don't start a revolution.
Juliette nodded, agreeing with every word Potter said, as suddenly a cold, shrill voice came from somewhere far away, from above:
- Kill the extra.
- I surrender! - Juliette quickly exclaimed, launched red sparks into the sky, and ran in an unknown direction.
Tails, Voldemort and Potter stared at her for a while.
- I don't care, though. You can kill Potter, Tails.
- Hey stop, not on the-' Harry tried to object.
- Avada Kedavra!
Potter's body fell to the ground.
- What now? - Peter asked.
- I don't fucking know. Let's go eat frogs.
They both got frog poisoning. R.I.P. French food is great!
* * *
Cemetery. 01:04.
Harry Potter and Basel François stood in the middle of a dark, densely overgrown graveyard on this cold night.
- Has anyone ever told you that the Goblet is a portal? - Basel asked.
Harry didn't have time to answer. Suddenly a cold, shrill voice came from somewhere far away, from above:
- Kill the extra.
And then a second voice:
- Avada Kedavra!
A green beam flew at Basel, but he dodged the spell at the last moment, falling headlong onto the monument.
- Open cranial trauma,' Voldemort remarked. - You don't have to kill him, he's been punished enough as it is.
Basil was killed by apparition. Potter was killed in the graveyard.
* * *
Cemetery. 01:04.
Harry Potter and Cedric Diggory stood in the middle of a dark, densely overgrown graveyard on this cold night.
- Has anyone ever told you that the Goblet is a portal? - Diggory asked.
- Has anyone ever told you that you're a bloody vampire? - Harry answered the question with a question.
Diggory didn't have time to answer. From somewhere far away, from above, came a cold, piercing voice:
- Kill the extra.
- Again? - Diggory mumbled. - No originality in the plot. I'm being killed in a graveyard again. I'm so sick of this! Why did Rowling make me up in the first place! I hate stupid ficwriters and all...
- Avada Kedavra!
A green beam cut off Diggory's suffering and verbalisation.
- The usual? Same here, in five minutes? - Harry asked.
- 'Yes. Same old same old,' nodded baby Voldemort. - I wonder when that moron will realise that he should have disagreed with you and grabbed the goblet at the same time.
- I've always wondered why you hate him so much, by the way. Why you've killed him for who knows how many times now?
- There's no reason. No reason,' Voldemort waved his hand. - 'Alright, you're off to the other universe, I'll see you in three minutes.
Harry left and Voldemort stared at the moon for a while longer.
- Bella will be mine, you fucking vampire!
* * *
Cemetery. 01:04.
Harry Potter and Johan Otto stood in the middle of a dark, densely overgrown cemetery on this cold night.
- Has anyone ever told you that the Goblet is a portal? - Johan asked.
- No, but you?
- Yes. They told me it was possible.
- And who did? Could it be someone who knew of the impending frame-up and could be a spy for Voldemort?
- Merlin, Slytherin and your mum told me that. Yes, I desecrated your grave. Decide for yourself which one is the spy.
Harry didn't have time to answer. From somewhere far away, from above came a cold, shrill voice:
- Kill the extra.
And then a second voice:
- Avada Kedavra!
Suddenly, a corpse came out of the ground and took on a green flash.
- Are you serious? - Otto was terribly surprised and delighted. - Did you seriously choose a graveyard as the place for the final battle?
- Do you have something against it?
- I don't, but you...
Voldemort's corpse still served the new Dark Lord, who took the name Han Toyoto, for a long time! Potter escaped to Tajikistan.
* * *
Cemetery. 01:04.
Harry Potter and Justin Finch-Fletchley stood in the middle of a dark, densely overgrown cemetery on this cold night.
- Has anyone ever told you that the Goblet is a portal? - Potter asked.
- I did, but I was drinking with Granny, and I didn't care. I bet we're in a graveyard?
- Well, only if it's a one-in-a-hundred bet, though even Bagman didn't.....
Suddenly a cold, shrill voice came from somewhere far above:
- Kill the extra.
And then a second voice:
- Avada Kedavra!
The green beam slowly flew at Justin Finch-Fletchley, but he didn't dodge.
- I bet the beam will fly right past me. - he said with a smirk on his face.
- JUSTIN, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, DODGE IT! - shouted Harry.
- No, Harry, you argue first, then I'll dodge.
- I'LL ARGUE, I'LL ARGUE, JUST DODGE, PLEASE!
- Aha! How much?! You thought you'd catch me out, you didn't tell me the price. Oh, you sly bastard! Well, let's make it 20 galleons. What do you reckon?
The green beam hit Justin and he died.
- Fucking hell, Justin, you're a moron! - Harry said and raised his wand and prepared for battle.
History is silent as to what happened next.
* * *
Cemetery. 01:04.
Harry Potter, George and Fred Weasley stood in the middle of a dark, densely overgrown cemetery on this cold night.
- Has anyone ever told you that the Goblet is a portal, Forge? - George asked.
- No, Dread, have you? - said Fred.
- Not to me, either! That's so cool!
- That's so cool!
- Which one of us is Dread and which one is Forge?
- I have no idea!
- Maybe because we're not Dread and Forge.
- Yeah? What are we?
- Jrjfrd and EO!
- You combined vowels and consonants in two different names, Jrjfrd, are you crazy?
- What makes you think I'm Jrjfrd, maybe I'm EO.
- No, I want to be an EO!
- No, me!
- No, me!
- No, me!
- No, me!
- No, me!
Half an hour later.
- No, me! I've got it! Why don't we let Harry decide which one of us is EO?
- That's right, he can tell us apart! Let him decide!
- Yeah, Harry, what do you think?
- Harry?
- Harry!
But Harry didn't hear them. After six hours in the maze with the twins, his brain wasn't in the best condition and he decided that it was better not to think at all than to listen to their incessant dialogue, so having transfigured a few doses of cocaine a couple of hours ago, Harry was now high in prostration.
Suddenly a voice came from somewhere above.
- Kill the extra!
- See, even Voldemort thinks we're the same person! - FrJoedrge said.
- My lord, who exactly? - Tails asked.
- The left one.
- Oops! - the twins switched places.
- Oops! - they began to spin.
- My Lord, I've forgotten which one is the left one! - Tails panicked.
- 'Get Fred,' said Voldemort.
- Oh-oh-oh!' one of the twins marvelled.
- 'Your darkness, you have no idea what a mistake you've just made! There are no Freds here!
- There are only EOs here!
- Look, I've got an idea, let's both be EOs!
- Yeah, let's do it!
- I'll be EO-one and you be EO-two.
- Why am I EO-two? Why can't I be EO-one again, like you?
- Error! Name's taken! Try another! Available options are EO-one hundred and forty-seven, EO-one-rus, Eonie-destroyer-twenty-twenty-eight.
- Busy? Well, let me be EO-one and you be EO-two.
- No, I'll take EO-one and you take EO-one-Russian.
- But I'm from England. I'll be EO-one!
- No me!
- No me!
- No me! No me!
- No me! No me!
- No me! No me!
- No me!
П̴̨̡̛̛̛͎̟̩̙̬͓̝̙̙̠͇̬̠̹̝͓̝͈̝͍͕̫͙̯͕̺͉͔̩͔̣̺͖̺̖̼̙̭̤͚̦̖̽̀͒̿͒͊͂͑͋̃̊̀̂̍̔́̈́͋̀͂̅͌͋̃́̆́̾͌͐̾̂̉̆̀́̏̉̈́̇͌̎̂̌̄͋̄̿͐̏̀́̽̄͐͛͂͛̀͛̈̃͆̌͆̽͗͊̅͌̆͌̕̕̚͘͘̚̕̕͘̚͜͝͝͝͠͝͝о̶̛̛͓͈̭̟̝͓̩͎̊͗̊̈́̀̓̃͆͐̈̈́̽̈̈̂́̒̅̑̃̔̀̒̀̓̂́͒̄̂̋̽̍̄̔́̋̊͒̍͗̐͊̈́̋̊͒̍͗̐͊̈́͌̋͌̎̊̔̐̊̈̏̔̇̎̓̌̊̋͌̈̾̎͘͘͘͘̕̚̕̕͠͠͝͠͝͠м̷̧̢̨̢̨̢̢̨̨̧̢̧̨̢̡̡̡̢̨̛̛̛̲̣̟͎̙̻͈̼͓̗̟̻͔̲̘͕̙̼̗̙̙̫̪͚͓̯̭̝̳͇̥̩̤̫̲̞̖̜͔͇̞̻̟̤̠͙̣̺̰͍̗̥̤̝͉͙͇͙͙̤̭͈̤̱̞̫͙̺̟͕͙̣̳̘̼̬͇̖̖̠̲̳̮͚̭͚͖̻̥̬͉̘̠̖͍̠̤͈̘̯̱̺͔̤̺͇̈̔͗̀̊̄̊̄̈̌̃̆̏͌̉͛̽̇̀̍̃̏͛̈́̑̿̽̓͆̌̔͗̾̅͋̈́̊͑͐̾̂̍̒̅̌̏̌̑͆̂̇̇͂̎̈̐͛͂̍͆͌̿͋͒̂͊̅̆̉̊̀͗͆̆̐̕̕̚̚̕̚̕̕̚͜͜͜͜͝͝͝͝͠ͅͅо̸̢̧̢̢̨̡̡̨̧̧̛̛̛̛̛͕̩̳̱̪̹̬̲̘͉̫̻̪̭̯͙̟̳̤̗͉͙̳̪̬͕͕̟͔̪̘̫̳̳
- No me!
- No me!
- No me!
- My Lord, what do I do, I'm getting dumber! Help me! My Lord!
- Tail! It's an emergency! Throw the explosive! We can't hold it!
- But Potter!
- Screw Potter, I want to be a beauty blogger already! Blow it up! Kill those half-wits!
- Maxim's Bombard! - exclaimed Tails.
Fred, George, and Potter were blown apart.
- Are you all right? - Tails asked hopefully.
- I don't think so... I'm going to go apply for House Two! My idol - Olga Buzova! God gave me a bunny, he'll give me a lawn. Brother for brother is the basis. I'm a lone wolf. I'm going to pray for my mother's health,' Voldemort apparated off in an unknown direction.
- That's odd. I don't feel any change,' Tails scrutinised himself. - I think it's gone. Okay... I'm going to go write sublimation fanfics! With Dumbigad, of course! I'm gonna drop it in the middle, too. Oh, what a thrill!
Voldemort didn't get into House Two, so he committed suicide. Thus he was defeated. Tails fate was different, he became the best writer on ficbook and got a million likes to his first work.
Potter's power that Voldemort didn't know was the stupidity of his friends. It's what crushed him.
* * *
Cemetery. 01:04
Harry Potter and Johan Lundren stood in the middle of a dark, densely overgrown graveyard on this cold night.
- Has anyone ever told you that the Goblet is a portal? - Lundren asked.
- Who's here? - Harry wondered. He looked round and spotted Lundren. - Oh, sorry, I forgot you existed.
Suddenly a cold, shrill voice came from somewhere far away, from above:
- Kill the extra.
- Can you see me? Do you recognise me? Wow! - Johan or Johan, I don't remember. - Don't kill me, you don't need to.
- What are you saying? - I don't understand the voice.
- Why kill me? I'm not necessary for the story. I can safely be left alive.
- Explain what you mean or you'll die!
- Explain what? - Lundren was surprised. - Do you know who I am? I'm sure you don't. I bet Potter doesn't know either. I only appear in places where the other champions appear. My first and last name were created by a random name generator. I have no personality, no character, I just exist. My name is Johan, but in the middle of the story I suddenly turn into Johan, I get confused with Otto, and that's only because even this necromancer plays a bigger role than me! And that's not all!
Lundren cried.
- I am forgotten about in the summarisation of the Tournament trials! It's only after checking the text and counting the champions that the author realises that there are fourteen champions, not fifteen - that means someone is missing, and only then does he remember about me. No, can you imagine! He even created a note about me. 'Don't forget Lundren!' - that's what it says. And even with that note, this autistic guy managed to forget to sign me up for the ball. I don't understand, why kill me? I'm not even here anyway.
- I must end your suffering! Tail!
- Got it. Avada Kedavra!
Johan Lundren caught the green beam, fell to the ground and disappeared. Everyone forgot that he had just died, so there was no need to display... Stop. Who died? What am I writing about? Shit, I forgot, okay, let's move on with the story. What the fuck is the plot?!
- What about you, Potter? How often do you appear in the chapters?
- Well, every chapter, I guess.
- Every chapter?! You bastard! Tail!
- Avada Kedavra!
Potter's corpse fell to the ground.
- I am the main villain of this fic, and it wasn't until chapter eighty-seven that I appeared in the narrative for the first time...
'Lol, no,' came the writing on the diary sticking out of Potter's pocket. But no one saw it.
- ...And this teenager is taking up my entire timeline! Well, that's okay! Now I'm gonna be the main character of this fanfic!
Voldemort has destroyed all his enemies. The events of this fanfic will be retold over the course of a thousand chapters.
* * *
Graveyard. 01:04
Harry Potter and Viktor Krum stood in the middle of a dark, densely overgrown graveyard on this cold night.
- Quidditch! Snitch! - said Krum.
- For me? No.
- Quidditch! Seeker! Broom! Bludger! The Vronsky trick?
- How would I know? The Cup being a portal is hardly part of the Tournament. It's probably just some kind of oversight.
A cold, piercing voice came from far above:
- Kill the extra.
- Quidditch? Snitch? Popularity? - Krum wondered.
And then a second voice:
- Avada Kedavra!
The spell hit Krum's huge - I would even say enormous - ear, and he died....
- What language was he speaking, my Lord? - Tails asked, tying Potter's feet to the tombstone.
- It is the language of athletes. Only those who play sports know it. The first time you go to the gym, the first time you do fifty push-ups, your brain starts to slowly shut down, and that's when you get autistic and start talking like this. Like all athletes.
Potter's fate in sports parlance can be summarised as: Sport is power, alcohol is the grave!
* * *
Graveyard. 01:04.
Harry Potter and Adrian Roux stood in the middle of a dark, densely overgrown cemetery on this cold night.
- Has anyone ever told you that the Goblet is a portal? - Adrian asked.
- Me? No.
- That's odd. I know of over a thousand ways of transfiguration, I can turn air into man, and man into air, if I get my wand knocked out, I just transfigure it with my own hands!
- Um... What are you getting at now? - Harry didn't understand.
- Well, I don't know... Just. Just so you know. Did you see how well I did in the trials? I'm a transfiguration genius! You'd agree, wouldn't you? I'm a genius, aren't I?
- Yeah, yeah, genius, just shut up. Come on, we've got a way out of here.
Suddenly, a cold, piercing voice came from far above:
- 'Kill the extra.
And then a second voice:
- Avada Kedavra!
A green beam flew at Adrian, but he transfigured a rabbit in the way, which took in the spell.
- That's it, you creatures! You dare to attack the greatest trans... transfigurator wizard himself? Trans... Trans... Trans... Transfiguration wizard? Trans... Trans...
- Westie? - Tail suggested.
- Right! Feck off! - Adrian said and transfigured an anvil over Tails.
The anvil crushed him. Tails' blood, guts and other innards sprinkled the ground.
- Anyway, never mind, you know what I mean! - Adrian Roux cast a baleful glance at the scone that had been Peter Pettigrew a few seconds ago and at the baby Voldemort who had pissed his pants in fear.
- That's right, then! For attacking a great wizard like me, you are sentenced to the worst transfiguration punishment! - Adrian Roux waved his wand and turned Voldemort into... A huge dildo.
From that moment on, Voldemort's life was filled with misery... If you could even call it a life....
* * *
Cemetery. 01:04
Harry Potter and Evette Roux stood in the middle of a dark, densely overgrown cemetery on this cold night.
- Has anyone ever told you that the Goblet is a portal? - Evette Roux asked.
- No. Has anyone ever told you that you're a kangaroo rat?
- No. Why would you ask a question like that?
- I don't know. I'm just wondering about the origin of your last name.
- Didn't my last name come from a French surname generator?
- Well, I don't know, I don't know,' Harry thought. - Look, try to keep going. Yandex, full stop.
- What?
- Well, Yandex dot ru, ahaha! - Harry laughed like a madman. He was a lunatic.
- Yeah, very funny! I don't really get it, you've got a different domain, and the English should be on Google, not Yandex.
- What about you? What sites do the French use? Have a dot com revolution! - Potter laughed like a madman again.
- No, google dot su.
- Soo? Isn't that French?
- Su is from the word surrender.
- Oh, I see,' Harry nodded.
Suddenly a cold, shrill voice came from somewhere far away, from above:
- 'Kill the surrenderer.
- I surrender! - Evet shouted, shooting red sparks into the sky and running for her life.
- No, I won't fall for that again. Tail, get her! - Voldemort shouted.
The short man chased the grown girl for six hours.
In that time, Potter had become friends with Voldemort.
- No, well, tell me, why did you want to kill me so badly? - Harry asked the question he'd been wanting to ask for a long time.
- I don't know, lol! - Voldemort argued his position.
- Well, yes, I agree, the reason is a good one. But still, we could have been friends, your teenage version of me has only tried to set me up three times and killed me twice. We could have been friends! To hell with the prophecy that the author never decided whether or not to put in, we could use it!
- Yes, we could! - Voldemort agreed. - Let's exchange gifts in honour of our friendship.
- Let's do it.
Voldemort gave Potter the axe he used to chop off the heads of traitors among the Death Eaters.
- For Snape,' he explained. - I don't know if he's a traitor in this fic or not, but maybe.
Harry gave Voldemort an agusha.
- Surround the baby with care,' Harry chanted. - А...
- ...Vada kedavra! - Voldemort finished in Potter's place.
Harry's corpse fell to the ground.
- Very fucking funny! It's fucking hilarious! - baby Voldemort crawled towards Peter. - Tail, catch her now!
- I can't! She's too fast! - he shouted.
- Of course, she's from France, they've been running in the world running championships since they were two years old and born with their arms up, okay, I know how to slow her down. - Voldemort slowly crept towards where Tails was running after Evette.
Once he got close enough, he shouted:
- Wars one thousand seven hundred and ninety-second to one thousand eight hundred and ninth!
Evet instantly stopped.
- We carried them out! - She shouted. - Just wrecked them! Five wars won in a row! The first coalition of countries could do nothing to the might of great France, the second.....
She couldn't finish because Tails jumped on her.
- Finally! Now I'm gonna make you dance!
- Branle? - Evette asked.
- The Dance of Death! - replied Tails.
- Don't! I surrender, I surrender! See, I've given up! Don't kill me, do you want me to give you a croissant?
- Avada kedavra! - exclaimed Tails, and it was over. Finally.
Let me out of here!
* * *
Cemetery. 01:04
Harry Potter and Fleur Delacourt stood in the middle of a dark, densely overgrown graveyard on this cold night.
- Ew! Has anyone ever told you that the Goblet is a portal? - Fleur asked.
Harry ignored her, as he had been doing for six hours now.
- Aren't you talking to me! Oh, that's it! I'm offended!
Harry remained silent.
- Don't you even care?! Oh, right! All right, all right! Let's see how you sing! My mum told me not to hang out with stupid glasses.
Potter ignored her again. All his mental efforts were focused on figuring out how he was going to get out of the graveyard.
- You don't care? Fine, that's what I don't care! I won't communicate with you either! Until you apologise, I won't say a word to you,' Fleur started looking at her fingers, showing how much she didn't care about Potter being around,
A mask of horror suddenly appeared on her face:
- Aaaah! Aaaah! NOOOOO! My fingernail broke! No-o-o-o-o-o! Why?! Harry, my fingernail broke! What do I do? I paid thirty-seven galleons for a manicure.
- Nothing's going to happen to your nails,' Potter said irritably. - You better help me find my way out of this bloody graveyard!
- Why should I help you? I'm a goddess, a dream woman! And you're a man! You have a duty! So go find a way out! Oh, my poor, poor nails! What am I gonna put on Instagram, huh? That's what?! I don't care if it hasn't been invented yet! This is all your fault! My mum told me to marry her friend Amelie's son, oh, what was I thinking!
Suddenly a cold, piercing voice came from upstairs:
- 'Kill the extra.
- Not an extra, an extra, actually! Oh, bloody sexist! All men are arseholes! Oh, my mum told me not to hang out with those guys! They only have sex on their minds!
- Well, guess what?! - Potter's out of patience. - Why don't you two work it out, and I'll go find a way out.
- No! No, you won't! You're a man! The lady's been attacked by evil kidnappers,' she pointed at a distraught Tails and the baby. - You have to protect her! I'm the glamour dream of men! I'll kiss you on the cheek if you behave yourself!
- Tail! Get her already! What are you waiting for? - screamed Voldemort.
- I can't, my Lord, I'm an ill-mannered pig, I'm supposed to protect the lady from all harm!
- Oh no, Tails! That's a heel spell! I'm an expert in all areas of black magic, but this is the first time I've seen this horror! Give me the wand, I'll conjure it myself!
- No, my Lord, I can't!
- What a true man! I've finally found my soul mate! - Fleur went up to Tails and kissed him. - A real man! I have two children, by the way, but the father is not the one who gave birth, but the one who raised them!
- Tail, fight! You have to! What about our dreams of taking over the world! - Voldemort tried to appeal to his servant's sense of reason.
- No! You will all die! I will belong to this goddess!
- Okay, fuck! - Harry walked up to Fleur. - Avada Kedavra!
The green beam hit Fleur's painted face. She collapsed with a cry: 'But I'm a goddess!'
Voldemort and Tails stared at Potter in shock.
- What have you done? I'm the Dark Lord, I'm supposed to kill people! And you're the hero! The Chosen One! Why did you kill her?!
- You have no idea how much she pissed me off! I know she was the only one who protected me from you, but I would sacrifice my life to rid the world of her existence.
- My Lord,' Tails mumbled through his tears.
- 'I know, Tails, I know,' replied the Dark Lord. - Harry, we're sorry, you saved us from that woman, you're our friend now, we won't kill you.
Harry, Tails and Voldemort performed a ritual where Fleur's blood acted as the enemy's blood. And after the Dark Lord had found his body, they travelled to Venice to celebrate Voldemort's rebirth.
For the rest of their lives, the three friends lived happily ever after. They drank beer whenever they wanted, went out with friends whenever they wanted, partied, partied, partied, and each had a sea of whores, drugs, and dough. And nobody ever fucked their brains, because they remained bachelors for life and, having learnt true happiness, died on the same day.
The end.
* * *
Bonus 1.
Cemetery 01:04
Harry Potter and Gilderoy Lockhart stood in the middle of a dark, densely overgrown cemetery on this cold night.
- Has anyone ever told you that the Goblet is a portal? - Lockhart asked. - Yes, I have! The Minister of Magic himself told me so!
Harry didn't answer, but that didn't stop Lockhart.
- Of course, I didn't ask him to do that. He comes to me and asks me for advice on how he can be as successful as I am. And I teach him.
- You probably want to ask about my progress, don't you? I thought so. I'm a hundred times winner of the magic weekly award for the most beautiful and charming smile!
- Are you so enamoured and delighted with me that you're speechless? I understand, everyone is delighted! You should know how often I get fan mail.
- You know, I could teach you a few tricks. I hear you're interested in magic. You knew I travelled back in time and taught Merlin magic. Of course, I didn't tell you my name, I'm too popular to be recognised. I had to go by a pseudonym, I called myself Marty and took Sue as my surname.
Suddenly, from somewhere far away, from above, came a cold, piercing voice:
- 'Kill the extra.
And then a second voice:
- Avada Kedavra!
A green beam flew at Lockhart, but he didn't dodge it.
- Look, Harry, a professional is working, I know a spell that can destroy any spell the enemy casts.
Harry stared happily at Gilderoy. Joyful because he realised that he was finally going to die.
- Your mum's gay! - Lockhart exclaimed.
Grey and brown and crimson and gold glitter erupted from his wand, destroying the killing curse and Voldemort and Tails at the same time.
- I told you I was a genius! - Lockhart stared smugly at the dumbfounded Potter.
* * *
Bonus 2.
Graveyard. 01:04.
Severus Snape and Shampoo stood in the middle of a dark, densely overgrown graveyard on this cold night.
- What a combination! - Voldemort said, and then killed himself.