Gotham's Dead End Bar

I'll admit to a bit of excitement. It was happening. And it couldn't have picked a better night. Entertainment was written in the cards tonight, and for once, it didn't have my stories' name on it. Live music at the Dead End, featuring Black Canary, John Constantine, and LUCIFER MORNINGSTAR!

Okay, Lucifer hadn't agreed to anything just yet. But he was a being with a known association with music. And from the way his eyes lit up (literally) when Constantine's name was mentioned, there was some history there. I gave it good odds that he would step up to the stage and show everyone Devil music.

I'd been anticipating that I would hear back from Constantine and Canary any night now. For some reason, I got the feeling that no one in the Justice League wanted to keep me and the Dead End waiting these days. Strange. I wonder why ever that could be…?

That they'd chosen tonight to take me up on my gig offer was just perfection. It couldn't have been anything less. The more mundane band members came in first, asking who they should be talking to about the gig. I immediately pointed them at myself, of course.

"That would be me. I'm the owner of the Dead End. Sean Caine. Nice to meet you all."

Alice was struck breathless by their presence, "Holy… Fucking… Shit…"

"Language, little one," Didi gently chided our child.

"Sorry, Mom," Alice quickly apologized. "But do you know who they are?!"

"The musicians your father hired to perform at the bar, I assume," Didi replied with subtle amusement.

Alice was practically frantic in her excitement, "Black Canary! The most dangerous band in the world! They're rock n' roll legends! And they should have broken up a few years ago! Are you tellin' me we're hosting their first reunion gig?!"

"Oh, hey, I think I've heard of them," A mook commented. "My daughter's a fan of them or something."

"They were quite good," Lucifer said simply, smirking as he purposefully underplayed the subject for Alice's sake.

She instantly took the bait, "Pretty good? Pretty good?! They're the freakin' best!"

I smirked at her smugly, "Well then, I suppose it's a good thing they took me up on my offer."

Alice stared at me, torn between teenage angst and stars in her eyes. Eventually, she settled on a grumbling hug, "God dammit, old man… I'll give you this one. This is pretty cool… No, it's amazing, even for you."

"Wait until you see who else I got," I chuckled, returning her hug.

One of the band members — keyboardist, if my bardic senses still had it — chuckled with me, "Yeah, your old man somehow managed to get Canary to give us a call again. Always thought she was too busy with superhero work for little ol' us. Though looking around at the clientele this place keeps, I'm starting to get an idea of how he managed to convince her."

"Don't forget our accompanying act," Another band member — definitely the drummer — said. "This guy managed to get the old Con-Job out of retirement for this gig too."

Surprisingly, Alice didn't recognize the stage name, "Who?"

"John Constantine. Johnny Con-Job. He's a legend even for us. Honestly, I can't believe we're going to be playing with him," The drummer explained.

"Oh, cool," Alice was noticeably less hyped about Constantine's part in the gig. "I've heard of him but he's a bit before my time. You guys are where it's really at for me."

She smiled, introducing herself and the band, "Always great to meet a fan. Lord Byron. The angsty one on the keys is Paloma Terrific, and the quiet one is Ditto. She doesn't talk much and Paloma's just a right bundle of sunshine."

"Bite me," Paloma said flatly, picking at her nails.

Alice nodded excitedly, "I know! I have all of your records. And I've always thought Ditto being mute was super cool! Especially how she still manages to make people smile with sound despite her disability!"

Ditto looked like something of a wallflower. Which made sense with her disability. She wore a cute winter hat on her head — one of the ones with the ear flaps —, even inside. And she blushed up an absolute storm at Alice's compliment and praise.

"(◑○◑)" Cass perked up at the mention of Ditto's muteness. 'Ooo~hh~? Hello!'

Ditto signed something I vaguely recognized as 'Hello. You too?'. Immediately after that, they were off to the races, communicating with rapid-fire expressions and signing. My sign language wasn't the best. The speed of Cass and Ditto's silent conversation quickly lost me. They seemed very happy to be 'talking' to each other though.

"Huh, I didn't know Black Bat was mute," Lord — and what a name that was — said.

"Technically, she's not. Body language is just her first and most comfortable language," I explained.

Dick, about to put in an explanation of his own, paused, "… That's actually a really good way to put it. Cass can speak perfectly well. She just prefers to communicate in other ways."

Lord nodded, "Cool. Glad to see Ditto will have someone to talk to tonight. Anyway, about the gig?"

"What about it?" I asked right back.

"Well, where should we be setting up? And when exactly is it supposed to start? And-…"

"And how much are we getting paid?" Paloma interrupted bluntly.

I waved dismissively, "Name your price. I'm sure money is no issue to me. Especially not to see Alice this happy."

Alice blushed and looked away. Paloma decided to test my claim, "10-… No, 40,000. Each."

"Done," I nodded, agreeing instantly.

Her slightly smug expression froze, "Uh… Oh, fuck, I didn't see that coming at all…"

Lord sighed, "Well, what's done is done. You're not going to skimp out on us, are you? Canary might be fine without it, but that's kind of life-changing money for all three of us."

I just smiled at her, "Of course not. It's nothing to me, really. You can't imagine how much business the Dead End gets per night. And I don't believe in expenses."

"Yeah, I, uh, kind of noticed that this place is… bigger on the inside," Lord said, remarkably diplomatic about the impossibility of the Dead End.

"Don't believe in… What the fuck?" Paloma's face scrunched up in confusion. "You can do that?"

I shrugged, "Why not? As for the other concerns… You can start whenever you feel ready. And the stage, well, just let me handle that."

As I spoke, the Dead End shifted. Against the wall across the impossible space from the bar, a stage raised itself. It was nothing truly special. Just a slightly raised area with room for the whole band to set up.

Paloma gaped at the newly raised stage. Lord could only blink. Even Ditto briefly stopped her conversation with Cass to stare. Ah, right, other than their connection to Black Canary, they were just normal people. Probably not used to impossible magic like that at all.

Still, Lord kept a surprisingly level head, "That… will do it."

"Take your time setting up," I offered. "The rest of us can wait until you're ready. Can't we, Alice?"

"Hngh… Fine. We can wait," Alice pouted.

Lord nodded, "We'll just do that. Thank you for this opportunity, Mr. Caine."

She had to herd her bandmates. Paloma, mostly. She was still in shock from the bar's impossibility, "What the fuck…?"

Ditto was easier for Lord to manage, waving happily to Cass as she joined the others in setting up for tonight's gig.

"You like her, huh?" I asked Cass.

"(~˘▾˘)~" Cass' expression gave off a content feeling. 'She was fun. Good vibes. Talkative, though.'

"As if you're one to talk there," I shot back flatly.

Lucifer chuckled and gave me an honest round of applause, "I don't know how you managed to do it, Sean, but you've made this night and my visit even more interesting. Especially with Constantine set to make an appearance. I can't ~wait~ to see him again."

"Pure coincidence, I'm sure," I said humbly.

"Yes, 'I'm sure'," Lucifer drawled.

Didi fixed him with a stern look, "You'll play nice, won't you, cousin Luci? This performance isn't just for your amusement. I'd like my little one to enjoy it as well."

"Oh, Didi," Lucifer sighed dramatically. "Johnny-Boy knows exactly how ~NICE~ I can be…"

Didi stared at him, unconvinced. She let the subject lie though. There was only so much you could do to police someone like Lucifer. Didi was noticeably more effective in that task but even she had limits.

Canary came in not long after her bandmates made their appearance. She didn't come alone but she also didn't come with the one I thought she would have.

"Hi, everyone. I hope we're not late. The others are here already?" Canary greeted plainly.

"Hello, Sean Caine," Wonder Woman — Diana — greeted, saying my name with a respectful formality. "It seems fate has arranged our second meeting so soon after the first."

"Did you really expect anything different when you came to my domain and place of business, Diana?" I asked, amused.

She shook her head with a slight smile, "Nay. I did not. It is still quite pleasant to see you again. I said I would like to visit your Dead End when you effectively arranged for a live performance and I am here to fulfill that promise."

"And your presence is the greatest gift one could ask for on such a momentous occasion. It would seem I am in your debt, no?" I fired back in a sort of teasing exchange of formality and rapier-like tongues.

Diana's smile widened with her enjoyment of our little game, "So it would seem. How amusing. We seem to have gone debt for debt."

I nodded, "So we have."

"Are… Are they flirting?" A mook whispered in the background.

"Shit, man, I think they are."

"Never underestimate Mr. Barkeep's game."

Amused, Diana turned to the rest of the bar, "Good day, everyone. It is my pleasure to join your ranks tonight."

She cut a picturesque figure. Like something straight from a magazine cover. She stood there calmly, embodying both a model and a hero's aura. Her long dark hair even seemed to tumble in not-there wind. The armor of her costume fit perfectly on a body from myth and legend.

The reactions she elicited were about as expected, "Mommy? Sorry. Mommy? Sorry. Mommy…?"

"And all was good in the world…"

"Bro… Both Wonder Woman and Black Canary. This is the best bar in the fucking world!"

"All hail, Mr. Barkeep!"

"Don't bite your tongues, boys," Wonder Woman smirked, teasing her captive audience.

"… I think I can die happy now."

"You sure know how to make an entrance, Diana," I said with amusement.

She shrugged, "It comes with the aid of long practice. But worry not, Sean. I shall not upstage you in your own domain."

"How gracious of you, Lady Diana," I gave her a playfully facetious bow.

"Now, now," Diana tutted back at me, her tone just as playful. "There is no need for that. I am a guest tonight. Simply here to enjoy a live performance."

"Very well. Why don't we put aside formality and debt for this occasion then? You're here as a friend and I intend to welcome you as such," I smiled at her.

Diana returned my smile, "I wouldn't have it any other way."

Turning my attention to Canary for a moment, I said, "Thank you for taking me up on my offer, Canary. Any idea where Constantine is? Your band seems to think he agreed to be here as well."

"He should be," Canary replied from where she'd been intently watching Diana and I interact. "I'm sure he will. John isn't someone to go back on his word once you finally get it from him."

"Then we'll simply have to wait until he shows up," I nodded. "In the meantime, I'll introduce you all to the people I'm sure you're 'dying' to meet."

"Oh, joy," Canary deadpanned flatly.

"I'm sure you're quite acquainted with my heroic guests. Perhaps even some of the villains," I waved at our audience as I spoke. "Honestly, our roster is a bit light tonight."

"Yes," Canary said, just a bit strained. "A bit 'light'. 'Just' Nightwing, Black Bat, Catwoman, Penguin, and Two-Face. 'Light'…"

I chuckled, "Indeed. Thankfully, our newest guest more than makes up for everyone who can't be here tonight. But I'm getting ahead of myself. First, I should present the most important person in my life. When you've died as many times as me, you tend to develop a very special relationship with Death…"

Didi waved, made slightly shy by my blatant praise, "Hello. It's a pleasure to meet you both. Ignore Sean. He seems to be in a 'mood' tonight."

"A pleasure indeed, Lady Death," Diana greeted in return. "I must say, I'm a fan of your work. Knowing there is someone to give my enemies and allies their eternal rest is a weight off my shoulders. I hope to greet you readily and without regret when my time comes."

Didi smiled softly, "Call me Didi, Diana. Don't worry. I don't intend to take you on your final stroll for many years to come."

Diana nodded without an ounce of fear in her posture, "As you say, Didi. Still, I will greet you fondly when that day does come."

Canary wasn't nearly as unflinching as her older, wiser colleague, "Lady… Didi. I've… heard much about you."

"Oh, dear," Didi laughed lightly. "Nothing to give you nightmares, I hope?"

"Not… as such. Just rethinking everything I thought I knew about life."

"Good," I put in with a chuckle. "Giving the heroes nightmares is supposed to be my area of expertise."

"You're quite good at your assumed task, Sean," Diana commented, smirking ever so slightly.

I pretended to buff my nails on my shirt, "Thank you. I try."

"I wish you wouldn't…" Canary sighed.

"If it helps, he gives us villains nightmares as well," Penguin added 'helpfully'.

Diana's eyes twinkled with concealed mirth, "A poor consolation prize but a consolation nonetheless."

Canary sighed, "Putting aside our resident existential nightmare fuel… Didi, I have to thank you for letting Oliver survive."

"It wasn't his time," Didi said softly, simply. "The island was only the beginning of his story. I just gave him a push, back in the right direction."

"Before learning about you, I would have thought meeting Death was a… well, death sentence."

"Oh, is my reputation truly that cold and imposing?"

"More existentially intimidating. But there are preconceptions that Death is a cruel and cold mistress. I'm… I'm glad those preconceptions are very wrong."

"As am I," Didi smiled. "I don't like being cold. Nor cruel. I'll always choose the opposite road if I can help it. And you must remember, I am just as much Life as Death."

Canary paused, "That… wasn't in the file."

"My siblings and I are Endless, dear," Didi elaborated gently. "We aren't limited to just our named concepts."

"I'll have to update the League's files then," Canary said, shuddering slightly.

"Not tonight, Dinah," Diana shook her head. "Tonight is for merrymaking, heroics of a different kind. We've come here to enjoy your live performance. And for you to enjoy yourself. Don't let paranoia and undue preparation distract you when something arguably more important calls for your attention."

"I think I can do that…" Canary nodded slowly.

"Wonderful!" I clapped. "I would hate to have to cancel your set tonight because of something so silly. As Diana said, you can worry about reports and such tomorrow. Tonight is about the music."

I stopped and grinned wickedly, "That being said, there is one more person you'll likely have to include in your report. Ladies, I would like you to meet-…"

"Sorry, I'm late. Got caught up with an exorcism. You wouldn't believe the idiots who think dealing with demons is good-… Son of a fuckin' bitch!" I was interrupted by a gruff, smoker-voiced apology and sudden swearing.

John Constantine walked into the bar, unhurried and grumbling his apology. Once he reached the bar proper and the rest of us, that apology instantly turned to cursing at the sight of a certain someone. Constantine laid eyes on the Devil.

"Lucifer Fuckin' Morningstar…" Constantine growled.

"Oh, come now, Johnny-Boy, a full name basis~? I'd like to think we're a little bit past that at this point~" Lucifer grinned at him, unrepentant and oh-so entertained by his presence.

Lucifer had been remarkably silent and 'well-behaved' while Diana and Canary met Didi. I expect he did that on purpose, biding his time until this exact reveal could happen. And as always with the Devil, his timing seemed to be perfect.

Canary physically recoiled at the reveal, seeing the Truth of it instantly. Diana stiffened slightly, her body set on the edge of battle. But she didn't make any hostile movements, trusting my reputation and promise of neutral ground. Constantine just glared at Lucifer as if Hell had come to Earth.

"What are you doing here?" Constantine asked, his voice like glass and gravel.

Lucifer raised an almost surprised eyebrow, "Really, John? Really? I KNOW you've heard of the Dead End and I KNOW you're not that dull."

"Fuck," Constantine deflated with a sigh. "So this is what? A business visit? Pleasure? Right when I decide it's finally time to visit this Death-blessed bar? That seems awfully convenient when you've been trying to get me to call you back for half a decade now…"

Lucifer smirked, "Truly, life works in mysterious ways."

"That's not what I wanted to hear, Luci," Constantine rumbled.

Lucifer let out an almost dainty little chuckle, "No, really, John. Mysterious ways. I just came to visit little Didi and her Prince Consort. I had no idea at all that you would be making an appearance tonight."

Constantine visibly seethed for a moment before nodding, "… Fine. It was just a coincidence. A right fucked cosmic coincidence…"

"Wha-? Just like that?!" Canary asked, somewhat frantic still from Lucifer's reveal. "You're just going to believe the literal Devil?!"

Lucifer leveled a fiery, unimpressed stare at her, "I tell no lies, Miss Canary. Ever."

Perhaps not so strangely, Lucifer's claim made Diana relax her battle-ready stance. She nodded, "I have seen the Truth in your words, Devil."

"How quaint. You're honestly quite adorable for one of the Greek brats."

Lucifer just looked amused by her more than intimidated. Quite the accomplishment when it came to Diana of Themyscira. Then again, he was Lucifer. Even Zeus couldn't hope to scratch the nail on his pinky finger.

"I shall choose not to take offense at that," Diana said, holding her head proudly. Even then, the faintest of faint blushes dusted her cheeks from the Devil's patronizing 'compliment'.

"You do that," Lucifer said dismissively.

Diana was left slightly fuming at the instant dismissal. I caught her eyes, giving her a sympathetic glance. It seemed to help, even if only partially.

Trying to make her feel just a bit better, I stuck my tongue out at the back of Lucifer's head. Her lip twitched. Canary gaped at me. The rest of our audience was a bit more used to Lucifer now, enough to suspect that he wouldn't take any real offense to my childish action.

Indeed, he didn't, snorting, "Real mature, Sean."

"Ehh, I'll leave maturity to Didi. She does it better than me."

"As if that was ever in question," Didi sniffed. Her haughty act was instantly ruined by an amused smile. "Don't worry, Dear. I love you despite your flaws."

"How…?" Canary asked incredulously. "How can you just joke around like that with the FUCKING DEVIL sitting in your bar?!"

"First time?" A mook interjected to a round of laughter.

"This is the Dead End, Miss. Ya either learn real quick to let the insanity slide or ya don't come back."

"Water off a duck's back, I tell ya!"

"You fit right in here, don't you, Luci?" Constantine asked rhetorically.

"I am rather comfortable," Lucifer replied with a lazy smirk.

Canary laughed a harsh, disbelieving laugh, "This place is insane. I'm… No, I'm out. Diana, you and John can deal with the… Morningstar situation…"

"I'm right here, you know?" Lucifer said, intensely entertained.

Canary ignored him completely, "I'm going to help the band set up. I'd say call if there's trouble but… I don't know if I'd be much help."

"While we can't promise anything regarding the Dead End's 'unique happenings', we can safely say that no trouble will be started here," Didi reassured. "Not even by cousin Luci."

Lucifer raised his glass slightly, "I'm perfectly willing to honor the Dead End's neutrality."

Diana nodded, "Then we shall as well."

Canary was still already turning to leave, waving over her shoulder and sounding more than a little defeated, "Don't care. I'm out. Not my problem anymore. I'm going to firmly repress ever meeting the Devil and just focus on what I came here to do. Good luck, Diana. You as well, John, with whatever complicated history you have with the Devil of all beings."

"Uh… Is it too late for the rest of us to do that…?" A mook asked, only half joking.

"(o_O) ?" Cass stared at the mook in confusion. 'You haven't been repressing from the very start?'

"I-…" The mook paused. "Shit, that's a good point."

Constantine shook his head, "I already need a drink. And not just because I'm going to be performing again. Mr. Barkeep? Got anything for me? Something strong and a bit magical. Maybe a bit holy too, for… reasons."

"I think I have just the thing. It's not holy or magical but it sure is strong as Hell," I replied.

"It'll have to do, mate. I always get a headache around ol' Luci here…"

I chuckled, "Well, this drink will certainly soothe your headache… Or maybe give you an entirely new one altogether."

I began pulling ingredients from my private collection. I hadn't had much reason to dig around in there recently. Catwoman's bottle of Ambrosia was still sitting untouched. She seemed to be saving it for a rainy day. Or perhaps a sunny one, in Gotham.

I narrated as I personally mixed the cocktail in front of my audience, "Take the juice from one bottle of that Ol' Janx Spirit and pour into it one measure of water from the seas of Santraginus V.

"Allow three cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the mixture. Now, this must be properly iced or else the benzene is lost. And that's what we're really after.

"Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through the drink (in memory of all those happy Hikers who have died of pleasure in the Marshes of Fallia).

"Over the back of a silver spoon float a measure of Qualactin Hypermint extract, redolent of all the heady odors of the dark Qualactin Zones.

"Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve, spreading the fires of the Algolian suns deep into the heart of the drink.

"Sprinkle Zamphuor.

"Add an olive.

"Now, drink… but very carefully," I finished sliding the infamous Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster in front of Constantine, careful not to agitate the glass at all lest it suddenly explode.

Constantine immediately fixed me with a very flat, almost dead look. It seemed he recognized the drink. I flashed him a little grin. He'd certainly never expected to see it in real life. Or experienced anything like it.

Drinking a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster could only accurately be described by the brilliant and slightly deranged mind of Douglas Adams. 'Like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick'.

"How the Hell did you get your hands on this?" Constantine asked before quickly interrupting my reflexive answer. "And don't say '42'."

"Fair enough," I chuckled. "It's just something I came across during my time hitchhiking through the galaxy. Famous drink, really. I'm not surprised you've heard of it."

"Oho~?" Lucifer made a noise of interest. "My, my, what a treat. I'll take one as well. It's been too long since I last gargled a blaster."

Diana hummed, "I must admit to some curiosity. While I don't recognize the drink like John seems to, I would like to try it."

"Two more Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters. Coming right up," I nodded, making myself busy once again.

Constantine continued staring dead at me before he finally grunted, "Fine, if this thing can't make Lucifer bearable, nothing can. Here's to Douglas Adams."

He raised his glass in a toast just as I finished Lucifer and Diana's drinks. They quickly joined him,

"To, Mr. Adams…?" Diana toasted, unsure as to the significance of that name.

"To, old Dougie!" Lucifer laughed.

As one, the three tilted their glasses back. The first-time reactions to Zaphod Beeblebrox's galaxy-famous drink were always fascinating to watch. Diana and Constantine certainly didn't disappoint in that regard. Lucifer just let out a content sigh.

Diana froze for a moment as the drink hit her tastebuds. Her ears wiggled. Her hair stood on end before going flat again just as suddenly. A miasmic wave of confused gold seemed to pour from her, the feeling so intense it was practically visible to the naked eye. She slowly, calmly set the drink back down on the bar and only had one thing to 'say' about the experience.

"Hmm, it's quite rich."

Constantine's reaction was even more intense. His eyes instantly crossed. They then spun in impossible circles inside their sockets. Uncontrolled magic glittered in his hair like spun gold. His tongue practically lolled out and unintelligible babbles poured from his lips.

"Hummina Hummina, h~oly shite!"

"Damn…" A mook said in the silence that followed their reactions. "Am I the only one who thinks that looks kind of fun?"

"It certainly looked like an experience."

"Hey, Mr. Barkeep…? Any chance…?"

I rolled my eyes, "Alright, boys. Just this once. Hands up, who wants to gargle a blaster?"

"Well, when you put it like that…" Two-Face's expression scrunched up in disgust.

Even then, he still raised his hand. Along with just about everyone else at the bar. Not all that surprising when it came to the most famous AND infamous drink in the galaxy. I gave Cass and Alice stern looks as they tried to sneak their hands in there as well.

"◉︵◉" She instantly turned on the puppy-dog eyes. 'Awwww~… Please?'

I would not be swayed, "Not on your life. Either of you."

Alice sulked, "So not fair…"

"There, there, little ones," Didi consoled them. "Let's see if we can't find you something else in Sean's stash. Something non-alcoholic. This 'Nuka Cola' perhaps?"

She produced two bottles, their labels reading 'Nuka Cola Quantum'. The liquid inside both glowed bright blue — a harsh, almost neon color that hinted at the radiation their labels implied.

"Is that, uh… safe…?"

I shrugged, "No more dangerous than the Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster, at least. A bit of radiation never hurt anybody. Oh, and enough sugar to kill a bear…"

"Oh, God…" Dick groaned. "Just what we need. Sugar-rush Cass…"

"٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و" Cass raised her new drink in victory. 'Radioactive superpowers, here I come~!'

"Lol," Alice snorted, saying the acronym out loud. "Super Soda Girl…"

Chuckling at them, I went about mixing the rest of the drinks. With Death causality fuckery, it didn't take very much time at all. Before long, the bar was experiencing a chain of gargled-blaster reactions like dominos.

Everyone who drank the Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster seemed to have a unique reaction. A few unlucky mooks keeled over and fainted right there on the spot. Heads of hair stood on end, and unlike with Diana, they didn't fall flat again. Puffing clouds of gold smoke left lungs in great coughs.

"Damn! That's got some real kick!" Two-Face exclaimed.

"Not subtle at all… But still classy… Very classy. Yes, I think I quite like this cocktail," Penguin gave an honest review.

"Ho~oh, Momma Mia…" Dick exhaled sharply. "That'll put life back in a zombie."

Catwoman, of course, purred, "Mmmmm~ Not as good as my Ambrosia but still quite nice."

Satisfied with the reactions my mixing skills had gotten, I turned back to Constantine, "So… How are you going to pay? Normally, I wouldn't ask or really care but those ingredients were from my private stash. Everyone else already has at least a tab set up. That just leaves you, John."

"And Lucifer," Constantine said with suspicious, narrowed eyes.

"He's practically family," I waved dismissively. "Plus he might be one of the only beings I can count on to reliably restock my more 'exotic' ingredients."

Constantine sighed, "Fine. What do I owe you?"

"I'm not going to bankrupt you, John. I can either take the cost out of your pay for tonight's gig… Or you can pay me with a story."

"Pay with a story?" Constantine scoffed. "What are you? Fae?"

"Not in this life. Of course, once Fae, always Fae, in a way…" I grinned with teeth that must have been just a touch too long and too sharp.

"Right, I heard about that Merlin tidbit of yours…" Constantine grumbled for a moment. "Fine, a story it is. Not the worst thing a Fae could ask of me. Any requests? I doubt I can match you but I've seen a few things here and there."

"How about your history with cousin Luci," Didi suggested. "I've been 'dying' to know what the story is there since you came up."

I chuckled, "That'll do. Any objections, Lucifer?"

He smirked, "No, no, of course not. Go ahead, John~ Tell them all about our time together~"

As he said that, Lucifer's form shifted. His masculine features faded. For a brief moment, androgyny reigned on his face. Then came the real changes. Lucifer's hair lengthened, their features softened, and their body shifted.

After only a few moments, Lucifer settled on a female form, reminding everyone that, to the Devil, gender was a concept as malleable as clay.

"(;° ロ°)" Cass' expression shifted to horror at Lucifer's new form. 'Oh no… He's hot!'

"'She', please," Lucifer requested. "When I take this form, I might as well go all the way."

To be fair to Cass, Fem Lucifer was stunningly gorgeous. Beautiful as any muse and sexy enough to drive any man to corruption.

Her hair, once sandy blond as a man, shifted to white, to platinum — flowing down her back like sheets of silk. Strangely, Lucifer's skin did the opposite, darkening slightly to a tantalizingly dusky tone. Her body became voluptuous, sinfully curvy in all the right places.

Her body language changed as well. Slinky and seductive, Lucifer crossed one toned leg over the other. Eyes couldn't help but track the movement, even when everyone knew who they were truly gawking at. Even Lucifer's clothing changed, becoming an almost painfully ironic and unorthodox nun's outfit, dyed white with her LIGHT.

"Fuck…" Constantine said under his breath. "This isn't going to make me look good."

"Come now, John. I'm sure it can't be THAT bad," Diana reassured.

"You're not the one who danced with the Devil in a very carnal sense of the phrase…" Constantine deadpanned.

"Ah…" Diana paused. "I take back my statement, John. Perhaps it is THAT bad…"

"Shit," Two-Face laughed incredulously. "I don't even know if I can blame him if the Devil looks like that!"

Dick grinned, "Oh, this is going to be GOOD~! C'mon, Constantine, spill. And one bisexual to another… The Devil any good~?"

Constantine just sighed, "Better than you could ever know…"

"As if my marital skills were ever in any question. I'm the best damn fuck you'll ever have," She — Lucifer — smirked, cocky as, well… the Devil.

Her words and expression sent shivers — pleasurable tingling FIRE — down everyone's spines. The men at the bar shifted awkwardly. Even the women didn't escape the effect, judging by the way Diana suddenly had to clear her throat, and Catwoman outright purred. I wasn't nearly so affected but I could still recognize the sheer supernatural sexiness this form of Lucifer brought to the table. And, of course, Didi wasn't very moved by her cousin's show at all.

"Oh, calm your feminine hormones, cousin. I would like to actually hear this story, not watch you lead the whole bar around by their tongues," Didi said.

Lucifer chuckled, "As you wish, little Didi. Go on, Johnny~ We're all listening~"

Constantine exhaled a harsh, long-suffering sigh, "Why the fuck not? This bitch has caused me more trouble over the years than I know what to do with. I didn't even make a deal with her and she still won't leave me tha' fuck alone! But you want to know how this all started, don't you…"

The audience was now Constantine's to command. Usually, they hung off my words like fascinated little monkeys. But now I'd passed the torch off to Constantine and they listened to him just as intently. It seemed the story of how a grumpy British man came to sleep with the Devil was interesting enough to capture their attention just like one of mine. It was a bit strange to see in my own bar but nice all the same. And Constantine seemed to enjoy having ears to listen to him vent.

"It all started years ago, in London. I was… Well, I don't know if I've ever been happy. But I was content with my lot in life at the time. This was after my time in Muscus Membrane — my original band. That ended… poorly. Like everything else in my life."

From the expression on his face, 'poorly' was an understatement. Whatever happened to his old band tortured Constantine. A stony grimace set on his face. Some in the audience couldn't help but flinch at the sheer, dark regret and self-loathing in his voice.

With another sip of his Gargle Blaster — pulling strength from the powerful exotic drink —, he continued, "But I'd recovered somewhat. I had a decently steady job. Decent income from working as a 'pretend' occultist for those crystal cat lady hippies and new-age moms. All I had to do was tell a few 'fortunes', read a few palms, and stare into a crystal ball for a while.

"It wasn't perfect. I was still hopping couches. But it was a living. During that time, I met and started seeing this one bird. Gorgeous woman. Way too good for me. Had a real special way of lookin' at the world. Her name was Marj."

Constantine got a wistful look on his face as he spoke of his old flame. It was clear to everyone there that she still held a portion of his heart, twisted and blackened by loss as it was. No one dared interrupt him as he took a stroll down memory lane, flanked on either side by those he'd loved and lost.

"Marj was part of a convoy. Basically a traveling hippie commune. They stopped in London for a while and I hooked up with them. It wasn't much better than couch hopping but it sure as Hell was fun.

"That's how we lived. Some people might have called us con men. Gypseys, even. They might have been right about some in the convoy. But Marj really believed, ya know? She had a gift. Not for magic. But psychic. It was enough to make her earnest. Genuine.

"And that's when the trouble started. It always does. I should have known things were going too well for me. But I was still young and dumb then. Foolish to the way the world works for men like me."

"Tell us how you really feel," A mook joked, trying to lighten the mood. The awkward attempt failed miserably.

Constantine just grunted, taking another pull from his drink, "People started going missing in London. Things were going odd as well. Churches bein' desecrated. Walls that bled real blood. A cold fog that had overtaken the city and didn't leave for months. Just generally spooky shit like that."

"Honestly? That just sounds like England to me," I quipped.

That got a snort of resigned humor from Constantine, "Even for England, the weather was dreary that year. Somehow, I got sucked into the case. Along with Marj. We gathered ourselves a crew and tried to solve the disappearances. And we quickly figured out they weren't murders like ya might expect."

"I think I heard about this," Penguin hummed. "The people who disappeared did so without a trace, right? More like alien abductions than anything mundane like murder or kidnapping. The police were stumped and it even started making waves in the underground scene."

Constantine nodded, "That's about right for the information that was publicly released. Really, there was much more to the story. Our group examined every crime scene. And we came to an unsettling conclusion. SOMETHING was opening portals in the middle of London and dragging innocent souls down to Hell…"

A mook nodded, "Demons. Called it. Y'all owe me a fiver each."

"C'mon now, you know it doesn't count unless you call it out loud. Otherwise, I would've cleaned house with my cult prediction a few months back," Another mook retorted good-naturedly.

"How…?" Constantine stopped and shook his head. "Gotham. That was a stupid question. This is the only city I know where 'demons' isn't even a surprising explanation for shit going wrong. Yeah, it was demons."

Didi shook her head sadly, "Those poor souls. Stolen against their will and lost to their eternity. I remember them all. Sarah… Jason… Jess… Christine… Mark… They didn't die until they got to Hell so I couldn't do anything for them. By the time I realized they'd slipped my grasp, it was already too late. Don't worry, John. The moment I could, I rectified the situation and sent those souls to their proper eternities."

"Huh… I guess that explains how the disappearances stopped. We didn't end up getting the demon responsible. I got… side-tracked at the climax of our investigation and by the time I made it back to London, I just assumed Lucifer had handled it," Constantine explained.

Lucifer smirked with sinfully pouty lips, "I didn't have to. Little Didi can be rather vengeful when she's CHEATED by malicious loopholes like that."

"So that's how you met Lucifer?" Dick asked. "That 'side-tracking' bit?"

Constantine sighed, "Yeah. My smart ass decided that the best way to deal with the demon was to try summoning it directly. Only, I fucked up. I somehow managed to get a hold of the actual Devil with my spell."

The audience winced, almost as one. There was only one thing to say to a fuck up of that proportion, "Yikes…"

"It was a most fascinating mistake," Lucifer added, her voice rasping like silk and satin. "And, of course, I didn't just let myself be summoned like some sort of slutty succubus. I turned the tables on Johnny here and brought him to me instead."

Constantine glared at her, "Yeah, you summoned me right from my girlfriend's side, you bitch. I know you could have taken her too. You didn't 'cause you already had your evil plot in mind."

Lucifer grinned and began to hum a tune, "Jolene~, Jolene~… Jolene~, Jolene~! I'm begging of you please don't take my man~…"

Everyone gaped at the humming Devil and glaring wizard. The disrespect. The gall. The sheer mockery of Lucifer's song choice. I don't know why anyone was surprised by it from Lucifer though. She was the Devil.

I hummed along with the Devil's song, "You know, Jolene really fits your story well, John. Wicked Devil woman stealing you away from the one you love and everything. I like it."

"Ah, Dolly is such a doll. Honestly, it's a shame she isn't one of mine," Lucifer stopped humming to let out a fond sigh but the song kept playing impossibly in the background.

Unfortunately, Constantine didn't see the humor in his situation, "She seduced me. Ruined my relationship. And then still expects me to call her back!"

"Oh, please," Lucifer rolled her eyes. "I gave you the best fuck of your mortal life. You should have come crawling back on your knees, John."

"I did. And it was worth it the second time too. But I still hate what you did to me and Marj, ya fuckin' slag!" Constantine's words almost didn't match up with his glare.

"Hate sex," I nodded sagely. "Even with how dirty you feel afterward, it's usually worth it."

"I'm unsure that applies when the hate-fucking is with the Devil," Diana commented, not bothering to hide her amusement.

"So, uh, I gotta ask…" A mook spoke up hesitantly. "Which Lucifer summoned you? Guy or gal?"

"That one. Gal," Constantine grumbled. "But it doesn't really matter with the Devil. She's a bitch in this form, a bastard as a man, and something in between when she's something in between."

Lucifer pretended to swoon, "Oh, John, you say the nicest things~"

"Fucking…" Constantine seemed to sigh and give up. "Just fuckin' dammit…"

Lucifer seemed to teleport to his side, leaning onto him and tracing a seductive finger up his chest, "Sooooo~ You doing anything after this, Johnny-Boy~?"

His response was very quiet but everyone heard it clearly, "… No."

"Mmmm~" Lucifer purred. "Wanna put all that brooding and self-loathing to good use then~?"

"… Yeah."

She cupped his cheek fondly, "Good boy~"

"And that, boys and girls," I said to the morbidly fascinated audience. "Is why you don't dance with the Devil. You'll never escape her clutches. Still, it was a good story, John. Consider your tab for the night paid."

"Oh, goodie," Constantine deadpanned, sounding more defeated than anything else.

With a huff, he drained the rest of his first drink. I was already ready with a second, sliding it in front of him even as he lowered his hand. I had a feeling he was going to need to be very drunk tonight for whatever Lucifer had planned for him… And what kind of bartender would I be if I didn't help him along the damned path he'd chosen to walk?