Go to Hell, White Lotus

[54. I should update on a good day]

Bai Lian Hua paced around outside the ward for a long time. He paced around for so long that even the sweat in his palms had evaporated with his body temperature. After hesitating for a long time, he pushed the door open and went in.

Better than his expectations, his mother was not in need of blood transfusion or wearing an oxygen mask and lying there motionlessly. Instead, she was staring at him and watching him enter. Mother Bai is called Bai Yin. These two words flowed out of the mouth together like it was being sung. When Bai Yin was young, she was a beautiful women who played as the body doubles of countless big stars. Later, she met Kong Shang, Bai Lian Hua’s father, and left B city to become a teacher.

At first, the two argued over whether their son should be surnamed Kong or surnamed Bai. In the end, Father Bai couldn’t take it anymore and, with alcohol drowning his sorrow, he agreed for Bai Lian Hua to be surnamed Bai. It really was….a difficult decision.

Seeing Bai Lian Hua come in, Bai Yin turned to Kong Shang and grinned: “You see? I said he would enter in ten minutes and you didn’t believe it!”

Bai Lian Hua heard these words and felt his face burn. A mother knows their son best. Bai Yin wore a patient gown but on her face was radiant smile. It was as if she was not the one who had just fainted and was sent to the hospital.

Kong Shang sternly looked at Bai Lian Hua who couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable. It couldn’t be helped that a childhood trauma will always be a childhood trauma. Ever since that time he was harshly beaten by Kong Shang after he discovered him playing with dolls with the neighbourhood girl, Bai Lian Hua had not been very close to his father. Because of that, Kong Shang would often complain to Bai Yin: “See that? After having our son take your surname, he is no longer close to me! Later when he marries and his grandchildren also takes your surname, what standing do I have in this family?”

He didn’t have to worry about his standing anymore because, just now, Kong Shang heard a news as shocking as Iraq’s fight against the United States: His son- The son he had raised for twenty-one years actually said that he liked men? Now he doesn’t need to worry about his grandson’s surname —— They f*cking won’t be able to even have grandchildren! Thinking this, it made him really unhappy. Even if his grandson is not surnamed Kong, it is still his grandson and he wished to have plenty of grandchildren to be around him when he is old and frail!

Homosexuality. This word undoubtedly made a fierce impact on Kong Shang who had always had an old-fashioned attitude to life.

Kong Shang wanted to light a cigarette for a smoke but he remembered that he was too hasty when he brought Bai Yin to the hospital and didn’t bring along his cigarettes. In the end, all his annoyances were directed at Bai Lian Hua who stood at the door.

———“ You still f*cking have the nerve to come! Take a look at what your actions did!” Kong Shang said this as the veins on his forehead bulged and his face reddened in anger like a Peking opera mask, “I won’t be satisfied until I break a few bones of yours!”

Bai Yin tugged at Kong Shang’s sleeves stopping him from advancing towards Bai Lian Hua. Kong Shang turned his head and said to Bai Yin: “At a time like this you’re still protecting him? The reason he became like this is because you spoiled him too much1”

 

“No. What I wanted to say was that even though the emergency department is downstairs, you should hold back a little. I don’t want to see you secretly cry in bed after you really end up breaking his bones……..” Bai Yin with a smile.

“You’re the one who’s secretly crying! When did Laozi cry! Laozi is a well and truly upright soldier. I shed blood, not tears!” Father Bai’s voice went up a few octaves and Bai Lian Hua used all his effort to restrain himself from laughing.

“What are you laughing at!” His small actions couldn’t escape Kong Shang’s keen eyes who then immediately lashed out at him.

He immediately wiped the smile off his face. Kong Shang moved a chair over and sat in front of Bai Lian Hua. It looked like a scene where the police officer is interrogating the prisoner.

“You like men? Why? Didn’t I see you get along well with those school sisters of your before?” Father Bai crossed his legs and arms as he looked at him.

Yes, he was also thoroughly punished because of that.

“I….” Bai Lian Hua lowered his head and couldn’t utter another word.

Kong Shang angrily knocked the chair over scaring Bai Lia Hua, “If you dare to be together with a man, Laozi will immediately cut off our father-son relationship! Use that f*cking useless brain of yours…”

Do you think I haven’t? You don’t realise how conflicted this son of yours was. Bai Lian Hua looked at Kong Shang who was breathing heavily in rage and lowered his head further…..His father is already this old and still had to be angered to this point by something like this. As a son, Bai Lian Hua truly felt that he was not filial. Others at the age of twenty one may not be able to help support the family but at least they wouldn’t bring trouble to the family either.

Of course, Kong Shang was not willing to actually hit his son. Even since his son went through adolescence, rather than hitting him, he always looked forward to when his son would come home….but he had never imagined that his own son would come back bringing along with him such a shocking news! Instantly, it knocked the air out of Bai Yin and sent her straight to the hospital.

Bai Lian Hua continued to keep his head lowered and maintained his silence.

Kong Shang was enraged almost to the point of tears. “You should f*cking talk and explain yourself!”

What can he say? If things could be easily resolved with a few words, then there wouldn’t be so many couples breaking up in this world….

You’re asking what’s with the older generation these days? If you say that you like men, they want grandchildren. If you find a girlfriend, they will pick at this and that. Although Bai Lian Hua knew that they’re doing this for him, he honestly felt that he has the right to make decisions for himself…..Shouldn’t this be the case since he is an adult now?

“Dad…” Bai Lian Hua spoke.

“Don’t call me dad! I don’t have a son like you.” Father Bai suddenly bent forward and coughed violently a few times. The corners of his eyes had traces of tears.

 

Suddenly, Bai Lian Hua faltered. The man sitting in front of his is someone who had raised him for twenty-one years and the man outside the hospital is someone he had just started loving. No matter what decision he makes, there will always be a man who will be hurt————F*ck! Why are his problems always about men!

Bai Lian Hua looked up slightly and half cowering, he glanced at his father.

“Dad, I’m sorry.”

He had so many things that he wanted to say but there were also many things that he couldn’t say. Bai Lian Hua could only continuously repeat that phrase.

Bai Yin looked at him and then turned her head around with her shoulders shuddering slightly. A soft sound of whimpering travelled across to Bai Lian Hua.

Bai Lian Hua felt that he knew what decision he should be making. Some things are really just too cruel and he didn’t have the courage to face it.

***

Chu Zhongtian felt Bai Lian Hua had not been acting quite right ever since he had returned from F City. Li Bei also felt the change, particularly since he no longer heard that infuriating game music late at night anymore.

Chu Zhongtian shook Bai Lian Hua who had been lying in bed as if he is sick: “Brother! What happened to you? It’s as if your mom just died………”

Bai Lian Hua impatiently reached his hand out and slapped Chu Zhongtian’s arm: “You go and read your novels. Genuine or pirated, I don’t care. Don’t bother me.”

Chu Zhongtian became more and more certain of his speculation: Bai Lian Hua this asshole is really not acting right! He no longer plays games, no longer uses his computer and just spends the whole day sleeping in bed or reading novels when awake. It was all novels like “Celebrity Biography”, “Gone with the Wind”and “How is Steel Made?”. If not reading, he would borrow Li Bei’s MP5 to watch movies. The movies were even stranger, “Morris’s Lover”, “Queen of the Demon Street”, “American Beauty………..Once, Li Bei went online to see what he downloaded and was scared sh*tless. Your mom! Why are they all homosexual movies? Even if it is directed by famous directors or starring famous actors……It is still gay!

Li Bei looked at Bai Lian Hua strangely but quickly felt that he was over thinking things. What kind of gay would expose their sexual orientation in such a weird way…..especially to his roommate?

Anyway, to summarise in one sentence: Bai Lian Hua looked lifeless, like he was just heartbroken.

At the beginning, Chu Zhongtian had the mood to read his novels but over the next few days, he gradually lost interest. “Bai Lian Hua,” Chu Zhongtian once again looked at the person who was lying on their bed, “You’re amazing. After standing in the sun on a hot summer day for a whole afternoon during military training, of the eleven people, almost a third had heatstroke and you didn’t!” His tone was as if he was very surprised by that fact, “From memory, isn’t your physical condition pretty poor? How come? Where did you go for special training?”

 

Bai Lian Hua faced the fan in front of him which blew at his face. He didn’t answer Chu Zhong Tian. Instead of answering, he said: “It will be lights out soon.”

This year Bai Lian Hua is in his fourth year. Many of the students now have matured, stabilised and become less frivolous.

The university is only moderately big with a total of more than two thousand students which are split across fifty classes. On such a large piece of land, they would often encounter the short teacher in charge of their military training nicknamed “Thunder Tiger”. He is extremely fierce that whenever he sees Bai Lian Hua, he couldn’t help but frown. But recently, Zhao Si actually felt himself appreciating Bai Lian Hua more and more.

That child, although he is physically weak, he has good perseverance! With so many people collapsing during the two thousand metre run, he actually maintained first place. When training the march, so many people wanted to run and he was the only one who remained standstill ——- although Bai Lian Hua used to be part of the former group, he had really turned over a new leaf! The more Thunder Tiger sees him, the better his impression of that child.

And so, what was Bai Lian Hua looking at?

A group of freshmen were receiving their training on the grounds opposite them. The distance was not too far and enough for Bai Lian Hua to identify a particular person. He appeared to be the squad leader of his class. On their first day of training, he was the freshmen representative and went on stage to speak. As always, he didn’t like to smile. Occasionally, he would see him at the cafeteria quietly eating his food. Probably because the teacher did not allow long bangs, he had changed his hairstyle. He also changed his glasses from a rimless one to a white frame which he would remove during training. However, he is equally as handsome without his glasses.

So, why do people like to abuse themselves?

Abusing himself, he did not dare go online for a long time and had deleted the game. In the end, he logged into penguin through his phone and handed the guild over to Half Crazy Smile and even the account details of “White Lotus”.

Soon, the military training ended and with all the hustle and bustle, the new semester began.

 

Bai Lian Hua felt that perhaps he could take advantage of the hustle and bustle to allow him to gradually erase his shameful and stupid actions. You see, isn’t he living a good life right now? Strong and optimistic, it’s a shame that magazine reporter’s aren’t interviewing him to write his autobiography!

He went joined the Student Union and even applied for leave to find a job. This time, he had to seriously partake in the internship as he had no one to write his internship report for him. He changeb from one company to another but he couldn’t find one that was suitable.

Afterwards, he had his make-up examination. His results were excellent; from the one hundred questions, all of the results were above ninety. Following this, after a semester, he heard that a freshman had transferred schools. The principal even waited by the school gates to convince him to stay but he still left. He had heard that he went to study abroad and that when he did the IELTS exam, he was just in second year of high school and scored 8.725. When he was in final year of high school, he completed TOEFL and apparently his scores were pretty good and his family had wanted him to study abroad but he stayed and did the national college entrance examination instead. Fortunately, the TOEFL scores are valid for two years.

Then afterwards, Bai Lian Hua, who had not logged in for a long time, logged onto penguin.

From an unknown account, he received an offline messaged that left him feeling overwhelmed.

Qushui Rogue 2013-10-11 00:01:02
Shuang Cheng International Airport November 7th 9:20am flight. Will you come with me to M country? There’s no discrimination against homosexuality there. I’ll take care of you.
I will give you about a month’s time. Can you think about it?

But now, it is December 26, 2014. Just a day after Christmas and outside it is snowing a little. There are only six days left until the year is over.

Bai Lian Hua sobbed quietly while gripping onto his pillow. Fortunately no one noticed. Chu Zhongtian who saw him the next day had even laughed at him for drooling while sleeping. Bai Lian Hua also laughed with him.

And then? There were no more ‘and then’s.