Gladiators of the Gridiron

“I can’t wait to get rid of these things.” Jackson sighed as he thudded down the school halls on his crutches, once again on his way to visit Ms Cotton.

Although getting rid of his crutches would mean he’d be another step closer to returning to the football field, he didn’t know if he was ready for that.

He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. “No, don’t think about football. You’re just getting your body healthy again, that’s all. And today, it’s all about your mind.”

‘Hi Jackson.’

Jasmine’s voice startled him. ‘Whoa!’ He stumbled a bit, eyes opening to see the older girl standing before him.

She giggled softly. ‘Oops, hope I didn’t scare you. You alright?’

Jackson steadied himself. ‘Yeah, I’m fine, perfectly fine.’ He looked at her—she was as beautiful as ever, though he always seemed to be running into her whenever he came to see Ms Cotton. ‘What uh, what are you doing here?’

‘Oh, I just had to see Ms Cotton about something … not to see her for a session or anything, I just wanted some advice. I’m thinking about majoring in psychology when I head off for college.’

‘Oh!’

‘Not that it would be bad or embarrassing if I did need to chat with Ms Cotton about some other problems.’

‘Right, but uh, are you heading off to college soon then?’ Jackson looked a little worried.

‘Oh, no. Pssh, not for a few years. I’m still a sophomore, I just want to get on top of things and know what I’m aiming for.’

‘Huh… yeah, it’s pretty important to have a goal in mind.’

‘Hey, where are you headed? I’ll walk with you.’

‘Oh uhhh, no that’s, that’s really not necessary.’ Jackson laughed nervously.

‘Why? Don’t you like having me around?’

‘What?! No! I never said that! I do it’s just—’

‘Then it’s decided. I’ll walk you to wherever you’re going, that way we can talk a bit more.’

‘A-Alright.’ Jackson’s shoulders slumped a bit, unable to refute her, he shuffled along the hall slowly, Jasmine staying right by his side. She had said it wouldn’t be embarrassing to need a session with Ms Cotton, but did she really mean that? He was about to find out whether he liked it or not.

He went quiet as he hobbled along. Jasmine eventually broke the silence. ‘Sooo…’

‘S-So?’

‘Sooo, what’s your plan for college? Do you have one? I mean, maybe it’s a little early to ask ‘cause you’re still a freshman right?’

‘Right well… I mean, I guess I always thought I’d just get a football scholarship.’

‘Hey, that’s a pretty good plan though.’

‘Yeah, I guess.’

‘What? Having second thoughts?’

‘I-I guess you could say that.’

Though it wasn’t long before they came to Ms Cotton’s door, and Jackson had to stop. Jasmine looked at the door and smiled, though Jackson’s eyes lowered to the floor.

‘Hey, don’t be embarrassed. There’s nothing wrong with recognising you need a little help, or someone to talk to and listen to your problems. Everyone should learn to take better care of their mental health.’ She whacked his shoulder. ‘I just said I wanted to major in psychology, what do you think that’s for if not to become a counsellor?’

‘R-Right…’ Jackson’s cheeks reddened as he rubbed his arm. ‘It’s just, this leg… and a new school you know, I…’ He sighed.

‘You don’t have to explain yourself to me, dude. Hmm, look, gimme your phone real quick.’

Jackson blinked, confused, but he did as she asked.

Jasmine took it and after a moment handed it back to him. He saw that a new contact had been added to his list. ‘There, if you ever need to talk, now I’m just a call away.’

‘E-Eh…?’ Jackson’s blush darkened further. He’d just… gotten her number, without even needing to ask.

‘Alright? I’ll talk to you later Jackson.’ She walked away, waving goodbye.

Jackson limply waved back, still reeling from the shock. It took him a little while to remember where he was but he eventually knocked on Ms Cotton’s door. He opened the door after she called for him to come in.

He took a seat on her couch, setting his crutches aside for a moment. She offered him a warm, comforting smile, one that had been practised a countless number of times.

‘Good to see you again, Jackson. I hope you’re taking care of yourself. But now, what can I do for you today?’

His mind was still clouded by the euphoria of getting Jasmine’s number, so it took him some time to remember what he’d wanted to talk about today, though Ms Cotton was patient and let him figure it out. ‘Oh! R-Right I uh, I might be getting rid of my crutches this week.’

‘That’s wonderful to hear, I hope your recovery is going well, and fingers crossed that happens.’

‘Y-Yeah… well, I mean it is good but… I don’t know if I’m mentally ready to move on? I mean, I hate having them, they’re really annoying but it’s just, another step closer to having to get back onto that field. I feel like my mind isn’t caught up with how my body is healing.’

‘There’s no obligation for you to resume football once you’re healed.’

Jackson’s fists clenched over his lap, nails scratching at his thighs. That was true. Frederick was there now. They didn’t need him anymore, right? But he still couldn’t just abandon the team.

‘I want to though.’

Ms Cotton took the time to note something in her little pad. ‘Jumping from middle school to high school can be very mentally jarring for some kids, and some can take longer to adjust than others. There’s nothing wrong with that, but usually, there is an issue, a core reason as to what is most jarring about the jump. Let’s try and find that.’

Jackson frowned. ‘Well, it’s just… I’m scared about screwing things up for the team. Scared that I’ll hold them back.’

‘I see. And have your parents or your coaches, even your teammates, have they made you feel as if you’re a failure or do you feel they’ve been overly critical towards you?’

‘Wh-What?! No way. My parents are amazing. E-Even when I mess up they’re always so supportive. And Coach Otsen too. He’s hard, but he’s hard on everyone, and he’s just trying to push us all to be our best.’

Ms Cotton jots something down. ‘And your teammates?’

‘No. They… it was just training camp. It was all so hard for everyone. We were just worried about ourselves.’

‘So why do you think you’re so critical of yourself?

Images of the summer camp flashed through his mind—his greatest asset and strength was so easily overcome and stripped away. He squirmed in his seat but stayed silent.

‘This won’t work if you aren’t open with me. It’s alright, you can tell me anything, I’m not here to judge you, and whatever you say won’t leave these four walls.’

Still, he is silent.

Ms Cotton’s pen scratched across paper once again before she sighed. ‘Alright, why don’t we move on to something else then? Have you thought more about what specifically it was that soured your relationship with football this year?’

Jackson had to stop himself from laughing, it would’ve been a grim laugh at the irony of the question—it still led back to that day. To HIM. He shook his head.

Of course, his continued silence didn’t go unnoticed by Ms Cotton. She set her notepad aside, her expression becoming more stern. ‘Jackson, I am here to help. There’s nothing more that I want than to help you right now, believe me. But there’s nothing I can do for you if you won’t TALK to me.’

Jackson’s eyes darted over to the door.

‘You are free to leave if you don’t feel this is beneficial to you, no one is keeping you here, Jackson.’ Ms Cotton got up and opened the door for him.

Maybe it was a bad idea to come here. Maybe he should just leave. Jackson’s hand edged towards his crutches, but then he put it back down on his lap. He stayed where he was and heaved out a loud exhale.

‘I…I used to be fast.’

Ms Cotton closed the door and moved back to her desk.

‘Like, really fast. The fastest on the field, other than maybe my friend Marcus. This was in middle school, and I used to run track with my friends too. Sure, I wouldn’t always win those races, but on the football field, no one could keep up with me. But that, that just isn’t the case anymore.’

‘Why do you say that?’

He bit his lip. He didn’t want to say the specifics, to relive it any more than he already had to. ‘It just isn’t. I’m not the fastest. It was my best quality, the one thing that made me who I was as an athlete, and now it’s gone. Without it, I’m not sure if it's even worth it for me to be out there.’

‘I’m sure you’re still very quick, Jackson. Plus, I know you wouldn’t be worthless, no one is worthless.’ Her brow furrowed, she was never a very sporty person, but she had to do her best to try and understand. ‘But, okay. Why do you need to equate your worth to how well you do in football anyhow? Have you ever tried just going out there and having fun with your friends and teammates? Is football fun to you? Or is it strictly about winning and losing?’

‘Of course I…I did have fun. But, winning is still a lot more fun than losing, and it’s… football has been my whole life. It’s my future too, it’s not just a game. It’s something I want to do forever, it’s something I want to be the best at.’

‘Hm, I can understand wanting to be the best at something, but even the best face setbacks in their time. I think, no, I’m sure you just need some time to adjust. When it comes to sports, that’s also a big jump moving from middle school to high school. I mean, you’re going from being the oldest and the biggest in your competition, back to being the smallest and the youngest. But, you’ve got four years now. That’s a long time, especially for kids your age who are going through periods of such growth and change. You’re facing kids that are nearing adulthood when you only just became a teenager, that’s a big difference.’

Jackson bit his tongue, not mentioning that HE had to have been around his same age.

Ms Cotton didn’t notice and continued, saying: ‘I’m sure by your senior year you’ll be right back to being the fastest, as long as you continue to work hard to do so. But you can’t be so hard on yourself. You can’t expect yourself to still be the best when you’re going up against so many other boys who are a lot older and a lot more experienced than you. Nobody comes in and is the greatest right away, no matter who they are.’

Jackson understood that what she said had merit. He was just a freshman. (Even if HE might also be a freshman.) He had tons of time to get that speed back and become the fastest again. “Doesn’t he have all that time too?” Jackson pushed the thought from his mind.

He grabbed his crutches and stood up. ‘You’re right. Thank you, Ms Cotton.’

‘It’s my pleasure. That’s what I’m here for after all.’ She smiled and stood as well, seeing him over to the door.

‘I’m being too…too short-sighted and not looking at the big picture. I have so much more ahead of me. So much time to get back to how things used to be.’

She put a hand on his shoulder. ‘Things won’t ever be the same. But that’s okay too. It’s all about growing with the times and continuing to be the best version of yourself. As long as you can say you gave it your all, you should be proud and happy.’

He nods and leaves, not looking back. He had to look forward to the doctor’s appointment. His next obstacle—the one that would decide if he could throw away these damn crutches.

He just hoped he was ready for that scenario.