Genshin Impact: Fontaine's Regent, driving players crazy.

The story of Fontaine's Hydro dragon was certainly amusing for players, but the appearance of our good ol friend Tartaglia felt like finding a friend in a foreign land.

Through Tartaglia's account, the game explained the circumstances of Childe's arrival in Fontaine, helping players piece together the narrative.

Although seeing Tartaglia appear in Fontaine was somewhat unexpected, players didn't pay much attention to it.

During the initial playthrough, they didn't connect Fontaine's Doomsday Prophecy with the whale he mentioned.

They only thought that Tartaglia, as usual, was being aggressively competitive, and hoped that Clorinde, Fontaine's strongest Champion Duelist, wouldn't be too troubled by Tartaglia's persistent challenges.

Although we saw Childe causing havoc in court in that pre-release live stream PV, I didn't expect him to show up like this.

I thought we were going to the Opera Epiclese in search of the Hydro Archon when Tartaglia would be accused and make his entrance.

"Now that the Vision's in my inventory, it's mine!"

Opening her backpack and inspecting the Vision, CatCatEatsNoMedicine remarked with a nonchalant air.

[Childe: Where's my Vision? Broadcaster: I don't know! Wasn't it you who gave me the Vision? Whatever ends up in my hands becomes mine—how can you claim it's still yours?!]

[Childe wails and sobs—then the next step must be dragging the broadcaster to court, right?]

[What if Childe just resorts to brute force? He might even happily settle disputes with us Travelers through duels!]

[Tartaglia—a whole new breed of criminal. Accuse him of anything, and he'll just crave a fight.]

[Imagine him being thrilled to prove his innocence through combat!]

[A "Champion Duelist" sounds grand, but Tartaglia uses melee weapons—can he really fight someone with a gun?]

[I'd end it fast—one shot, done!]

[Borrowing a line from Sushang next door: You use a gun? I'll use a gun too. Fair enough, right?]

["That's a firearm!"]

[LOL—this is the exact opposite of how things would play out in reality.]

CatCatEatsNoMedicine's eyes swiftly scanned the chat, nodding in agreement with some comments.

Then, following the quest's instructions, she headed towards the newspaper stand, her enthusiasm palpable.

"Inazuma's publishers have officially endorsed the Narukami pairing, and now even Fontaine has a dedicated bookstore mission marker. Could it be that Fontaine also has an officially sanctioned couple?"

Upon hearing CatCatEatsNoMedicine's words, the chat exploded with comments.

[Surely they wouldn't go that far! It's our first day in Fontaine, and the devs are already pushing ship confirmations?!]

[Could there be a chance that entering the bookstore is meant to provide us with crucial story clues or items?]

"Let me take a closer look at what new tricks Fontaine's up to, beyond its infamous Layered Outsourcing."

"Mark my words, I refuse to believe any other game can quite match our dear Star Rail's knack for these shenanigans!"

Slapping the table, filled with a desire to investigate, she headed towards Fontaine's newspaper kiosk.

[You play Star Rail too, huh?!]

[Star Rail, a game so new you'd forget it exists amidst all the memes.]

[The Star Rail writers must surf the internet all the time, amiright?!]

[Fontaine's Own Layered Outsourcing isn't about to concede that title!]

[Ha! Whenever I hear 'layered outsourcing,' I can't help but crack a smile!]

[Could it top the Furina Protection Act? And here I thought I'd only heard it once before.]

[Seriously, how absurd is that? "Hydro Archon-Protected Endangered Species," Teyvat's version of conservation efforts.]

CatCatEatsNoMedicine manipulates the Traveler to head towards a book kiosk, then automatically triggers the plot.

Outside the book kiosk, there's a bookcase emitting crystalline yellow sparks that all Travelers love.

CatCatEatsNoMedicine presses the F key and begins reading.

[Fontaine's Latest Scam Techniques!]

[Synopsis: Fraud tricks written by a Meropide fraudster himself. Join Fontaine's high society in one day, gain the favor of Lady Furina, rise above Chief Justice Neuvillette, become as close to the gods as Regent Themis!]

CatCatEatsNoMedicine's face was a canvas of doubt. "Is this for real?! How am I supposed to believe this?"

Despite her skepticism, her hands betrayed her curiosity as she earnestly clicked to open it.

"It's not like I'm driven by my own curiosity," she fibbed. "It's mainly because it mentions my wife, Themis."

"Let me examine this carefully and test this scammer's tricks on my wife's behalf!"

[This woman's curiosity will never die!]

[Ha ha ha, can you actually sell this trash in bookstores? Is it real or fake?!

[My sides are aching from laughter—it's such a blatant scam! And this dumb cat actually clicked on it!]

[There's nothing to be done; this cat's obsession with Themis remains unchanged.]

[Well, let me have a look at these scammer's tricks.]

[I must admit, it's truly piquing my damned curiosity!]

"Excellent! Then I invite you all to enjoy it together!"

CatCatEatsNoMedicine opened the book, her gaze fixed intently on the words that appeared before her.

---

Title: Acquiring the Favor of Hydro Archon Furina

Subtitle: A Path to Instant Enlightenment

1. Become Regent Themis

2. What, is the previous method not enough for you?!

3. Brother, trust me when I say there's nothing more. If you don't believe me, feel free to keep flipping!

---

"...What you say makes perfect sense," CatCatEatsNoMedicine responded, "but in this case, my inclination remains steadfast: to say 'No'."

"I simply refuse to bow down—rules were made to be broken, weren't they?!"

Undeterred, CatCatEatsNoMedicine continued flipping through the pages.

You stubbornly kept turning the pages, astonished that a book could be so unexpectedly terse.

Blankness greeted you at every turn... A sea of emptiness stretched out endlessly.

As you reach the final page:

See now, buddy? I told you there was nothing worth seeing.

Fortress of Meropide, Official Commentary:

And so it is: either believe him or trust me as the just Archon of providence!

Taking a deep breath, you realize you have been wasting precious moments. Time, like money, is a shining commodity.

Yet, you couldn't help but feel a profound sense of relief—a truly free book, without a single coin demanded.

Could it be that even the bookstore owner views this as a waste of time, so much so that they're offering it for free?

You can't help but feel admiration for this owner while deeply despising this fraudster!

What happened to 'there's nothing new'? There's still a line on the last page!

[ Achievement Unlocked: New Scam Technique! ]

CatCatEatsNoMedicine, feeling conflicted, places her trembling fingers on the mouse.

"Guys... This, this isn't right, is it?"

"Am I trying to play the wrong game? Is Honkai: Star Rail not out yet?"

Her voice stutters slightly. CatCatEatsNoMedicine's current mood feels like wearing a cotton jacket during a sweltering summer day, bouncing on the bed until she accidentally smashes into the ceiling, and finally flopping down, only to get her head stuck in the space between the bed frame.

In other words, she feels utterly confused—dazed by a complete mystery!

In other words, she's been utterly bewildered—blindsided by a complete enigma.

Encountering such a miraculous book in StarRail, CatCatEatsNoMedicine would've been accustomed to it.

But this is Genshin Impact we're talking about!

Genshin Impact!

Emotionally charged, CatCatEatsNoMedicine smashes her fist against the table.

"Laughing my ass off—it even got an achievement notification!"

"You have to admit, this time Genshin has stepped up its game. If only it had a hint of its sister's flair!"

"Genshin, Genshin, what's gotten into you?! Had enough of your usual antics and ready to take the plunge in this new field, are we?!"

"Genshin Impact proves with every fiber of its being that, when it comes to meme mastery, it's more than capable!"

"Let me just say, that twist truly blindsided me! Hats off to the developers!"

"Fontaine, you make me feel like I've come home."

"The trailblazers have gathered—!"

"Open up the betting pool, everyone! Let's guess just how much fun we're in for with Fontaine!"

"Streamer, don't just stand there! Come on, spill the tea on those tiny dots!"

"Let's keep going, I want to see just how much joy this little bookshelf of yours holds!"

"Every time, every place, rejoice with Elation Aha—I'll take that risk even against the storm!"

Since the viewers were so eager, even CatCatEatsNoMedicine couldn't refuse their plea!

Mainly, she was genuinely curious to see just how much creative flare Fontaine's latest major update could muster.

"Excellent! Let's see exactly how much of your sister's style you've managed to emulate, Genshin!"

She casually clicked on any random dot, and CatCatEatsNoMedicine once again found herself navigating into it.

--

Fontaine Unofficial History: [The Bloodred Trial]

Synopsis: This is a segment of history passed down through word of mouth, documenting Fontaine's most tumultuous rebellion.

Within these pages, you'll find unadorned text that vividly illustrates the evolution of Fontaine's history over five centuries!

Comment from Palais Mermonia: * authenticity not guaranteed, but wild authenticity aplenty.*

--

CatCatEatsNoMedicine: "No worries, I don't even care about the authenticity. I'm just dying to see how wild Fontaine's history can get!"

With eyes wide open, both CatCatEatsNoMedicine and the live broadcast audience eagerly clicked open this Fontaine Wild Chronicle as if parched for knowledge.

Well, well—truly befitting an officially sanctioned wild history!

In the crimson dawn of their history, the Archon of Justice Focalors decreed that in The Bloodred Trial, five hundred years ago, all nobles who had insulted the Regent Themis received the most severe punishment the scarlet code could inflict—death!

The construction of the Opera Epiclese was for no other reason than to elicit a smile from the Regent Themis.

When the mighty Archon Furina beheld Themis, her pure heart succumbed to the trickery of deception.

To indulge her own desires, she invoked the name of the Archon of Justice and extorted mora mercilessly, ruthlessly oppressing innocent citizens to build this grandiose theater for her amusement.

On the day when the Opera Epiclese came into existence, the seeds of the subsequent Bloodred Trials were unknowingly sown.

That was the darkest day in Fontaine's history.

A bloodred veil cast a somber shadow over every Fontainean heart, a nightmare that endures to this very day.

The ignorant laughed, cheering at the carnage that followed the Trials.

The innocent wept, indignant at the shameless actions of these frenzied mobs.

Anguished wails and pleas for mercy transformed into a cacophony of suffering, echoing across the deep red stage of the Opera Epiclese.

Yet, the orchestrator of this chaos stood concealed, her vile visage obscured from sight amidst the lofty heights near the divine.

She was the true director of the Bloodred Trials, a treacherous manipulator who had ignited the flames of conflict—our enemy!

The Archon of Justice remains silent to the pleas of the innocent, bowing instead to hear the whispers of the guilty, a smile gracing their visage.

O pure and just Archon, we beseech you to open your eyes once more and gaze upon us. Unleash your divine power to set all back on the path of righteousness!

-

Comments Section

President of the Themis Fan Club: What hogwash! To those noble scum oppressing the people of Fontaine, I can only say: Serves you right, you'll get what you deserve!

Master Chef: You're absolutely right, but I think pasta should be served with a side of slime condensate. Also, oh great Lady Themis, I am your loyal hound! Please cast me a glance!

Themis's loyal hound: Great Lady Themis, look at me! I am your devoted dog! When shall we conspire to seize power and overthrow the throne?

Themis' Cat: A single order from Master Themis, and from now on, FAd is hers forever!

Themis' Cat: A single order from Master Themis, and from now on, Fontaine is hers forever!

Furina Super Fan: Although... isn't there a possibility that by writing this, you'll only make Master Furina seem even more impressive?!

Furina's Groupie: Ahh hehe, Master Furina losing her cool over a woman or something... aiya, thanks for the compliment! It's a scene we never even dared to dream of. The author must be the true admirer of Master Furina!

Furina's Little Snack: Master Themis! Master Furina! How could I live without you both?!

[Achievement unlocked: Preserving the Wild, Not the Truth!]

-

The livestream fell into an eerie silence. Surely, whether it was CatCatEatsNoMedicine as the streamer or all the players watching, everyone was at a loss for words.

"This so-called wild tale—just how wild can it get?"

"Having read this wild tale... now..."

CatCatEatsNoMedicine leaped up, clearly agitated. "Who the hell is this author?! I'll pay you 500 mora, just add a bit more—can't you finish off 500 years of history?!"

[Drowning in wild tales, unable to break free.]

[This author is a true fucking genius!]

[Unbelievable! After all these years, I've seen every kind of spectacle—yet I've never witnessed Genshin writing wild tales! Damn!]

[Oh no, Genshin has finally let loose!]

[This author is such a talent! With this kind of narration, right and wrong blur, black and white turn upside down.]

[Bro, have we lost? Why is the official craziness even more absurd than ours?!]

[Impressive! You guys are fixated on wild tales, but only I've noticed that all the Fontaine folks are shipping left and right!]

[Love from Fontaine makes the shipper cult go utterly berserk!]

[Lady Themis, when will we seize Palais Mermonia? To overthrow the throne—count me in!]

[Once we've done with the Hydro Archon, Furina, everything in Fontaine will be ours!]

[Break it down for me—is what you're implying exactly what I'm thinking?!]

Inside the Opera Epiclese, Themis had been holding a book and feigning intellectual involvement. However, upon encountering this particular military history, her impeccably maintained expression instantly crumbled.

Had she been sipping water at that moment, she would likely have been performing a real-life enactment of a Regent's fountain for Furina right then and there.

This incident proved that while the book's title was bold, it certainly lacked accuracy.

The liberties taken with her story were so extreme that even Themis herself couldn't help but think the portrayal of the Judges in this book was truly destructive to the nation—absolute misery brought forth by beauty!

She abruptly slammed the book onto the table with enough force to startle Furina, who had been secretly watching, nearly causing her to jump off the chair. However, Themis didn't notice; instead, she was deep in thought, frowning furiously.

How dare this author distort history so viciously! she thought. If I find out who it is, I'll personally send them to the Fortress of Meropide to enjoy their 'second life' in hell!