For the Record

“It’s manifesting.”

YES, WE CAN SEE IT. WE CAN FEEL IT.

“And?”

…

“Are you going to intervene? You have before.”

NO, MY SURROGATE HAS INTERVENED BEFORE. A GREAT MANY TIMES.

“I’m certain he has already attempted it. Or would have, if you didn’t keep preventing it. Why, exactly, is that? And what of the covenant?”

THE COVENANT REMAINS INTACT. THIS INCARNATION IS DIFFERENT.

“Oho. And how exactly is this one different when it has devoured mortals in droves with impunity?”

SIMPLE. THIS ONE HAS MANAGED TO FORM ATTACHMENTS, RATHER THAN VIEWING ALL AS TRITE NOURISHMENT.

“You expect this to be reassuring, do you?”

NO. WE EXPECT THIS TO BE ACCEPTED. WE WILL WATCH IT GROW AND LEARN, AND SHOULD SUCH BE NECESSARY WE WILL INTERVENE, AS WAS AGREED LONG AGO. I REMIND YOU THAT THE COVENANT HAS STOOD FROM THE TIME OF THE BIRTH OF THE RECORD, NOT LONG AFTER I MYSELF SUNDERED YOUR WORLD. IT IS YOUR KIND WHO THREATEN IT BY THREATENING TO WAKE THE DREAMER AND END THE DREAM. LACK OF KNOWLEDGE IS NO EXCUSE, FOR THE SMALL ONES HAVE LONG FORGOTTEN SINCE THE TIME OF THE ANCESTORS’ ANCESTORS’ ANCESTORS’ ANCESTORS INTO TIME IMMEMORIAL, AND THE INSIGNIFICANT ONES REMAIN INSIGNIFICANT AND TO BE FODDER. SO IT HAS BEEN AND SO IT SHALL BE.

“…I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. You’re always like this, aren’t you?”

GOODBYE, SMALL ONE. MAY YOU SURVIVE THIS INCARNATION.

I hope so.

I certainly hope so.

***

I open my eyes for the first time… and am bombarded by light.

…Light?

LIGHT!

AND COLOR!

So much color! Color, everywhere, bright, interesting. INTERESTING.

I reach out for the color and find it everywhere, everywhere, right within my reach. Some moving, some still, some dancing and moving freely. In my grasp I find myself instinctively pulling from it, taking it in.

And

it

is

DELICIOUS!

The best thing I’ve ever tasted!

…The only thing I’ve ever tasted. But that doesn’t matter right now. I grab one of the rapidly moving ones, one of the brightest lights nearby, and take a bite of it.

And it… tastes familiar. Somehow. It tastes old, and tired, and hopeful, and despairing? But hopeful. Still hopeful… and comforting, somehow.

Somehow?

SOMEHOW!

I don’t understand, but I can tell this is one I shouldn’t eat. It’s important… somehow. It’s mine, after all… I can tell somehow. So I pull it close to keep it safe, snug against me, and feel it shiver and pulse, tiny pieces of it pulling free to drift aimlessly into my empty mouth.

It’s confusing though… I’ve already eaten so much… why don’t I feel like I’ve eaten so much?

I don’t know.

I don’t know… anything.

…

Wait.

Wait.

I… do know something… I think.

I remember something.

From when? I just… was I just born? I’m obviously thinking… at least somewhat clearly I think.

Somewhat.

And I’m surrounded by light and color… delicious, delicious color.

But I think there was somewhere I was going to… go… or do?

…

In the distance I do see more points of color, many points of color, so many, infinite, infinite points of color. Some are so bright! But for some reason… one looks familiar. Is it one I know? One I’ve tasted before? Played with before?

It doesn’t matter. I’m going to go to it. The web of light is easy to traverse… I just need to follow it… except for these, walls of the stuff… blocking my way…

But I just need to push them down, pull them apart, and so I do. And then I stuff the loose, floating pieces into my empty mouth.

It tastes so much more bland than the color… much, much more bland. But I continue to devour it anyway… maybe I just need to eat something different to feel full.

Maybe.

After a few brief moments, I find myself at the flickering lights that had once been in the distance. They dance and pulse around me in a rapid display of twirling and spinning, and I find myself laughing along with the scene. I’ve never seen anything like it! I snatch one from the air and taste its essence… mmm, mmmmmmm! Delicious! I stuff the entire blot of color into my mouth, and then another and another and another and…

Wait…

This one is familiar too.

I stop at a single taste before pulling it back to look at it more closely. The first, the one still held securely against me, shakes violently. Do they react to each other?

Curious.

Fascinating!

I press the two of them together just to see what happens. Maybe they’ll merge and taste even better!

…And then as if I’d never had them, they’re gone.

Gone.

Just gone.

…

What was gone?

Was there something here?

I don’t know.

I don’t remember. But there are so many spinning lights around me…

So many.

More and more enter my mouth, more and more and more and more don’t satisfy me.

Nothing is satisfying me!

A prickle washes across my body…

…Body?

Is this my body?

I don’t know.

But the prickle is still there… connected by a thin, thin string of light. A very thin beam of light…

Connecting to another spot of color, a burst of color, surrounded by other much smaller bursts of color… one of which leads to the beam.

But I don’t like this feeling. It’s wrong.

Wrong… somehow!

And so I reach out and tear it free, stuffing it into my maw as well… only for it to be replaced by another, slightly different beam… with a ring of color attached…

Which I promptly eat as well.

This blob is annoying.

ANnOYing!

I lash out with my will and grip it from multiple angles, every angle I can, every piece of will I have, and I tear it apart. I shred it, down into the smallest pieces I can.

And then I eat them.

And then I eat them all. Every single one until there’s nothing left! Not even the tiny, tiny piece that tried to zip away, no, no, you don’t leave, tasty morsel! Into my mouth you go!

It occurs to me that the first one, MY first one, was floating some distance away… watching, I think? Waiting? Watching? Waiting?

I don’t know.

But it’s gone again now, where I don’t know.

I don’t know at all.

And that’s fine! Because I don’t know what is missing. Was something here?

I don’t know.

But I do know that I’m surrounded by light.

Light?

LIGHT!

So much light!

And so I tear pieces of it free and stuff them into my mouth as well.

More, and more, and more, and more, and more, and more, and more, and more, and more, and more, and more, and more, and more, and more, and more, and–

***

A lone child crouches on the ground, surrounded by the richness, the bounty of nature.

Fragrant flowers, tall grasses, trees swaying in the imperceivable wind, all reach to the sky from soft earth. Life teems forth, animals among the trees, in the sky, in the soil itself.

Silently, the child reaches and tears from the land handful after handful of life; the flora and fauna offer no resistance – nor could they – as they vanish into the small but eternally hungry maw.

Does it taste good? a voice asks.

A feminine voice, gentle, rich, knowing. Peaceful and accepting.

Mmph, it answers through a full, yet empty mouth. No matter how much enters, it vanishes. It always vanishes as it enters.

Hungry, the child intones after another futile swallow of nothing. Hungry. So hungry.

There will be time for that, small one. There will be time. But it is not now.

The large one gently takes the child in their arms, cradling it as though it would break. They offer only a small smile as it tries and fails to pierce their skin with its teeth.

It's time to rest now. Soon, there will be time to eat. Soon, so soon. But not yet. Now, it is time to rest.

Hungry, the child replies with a hint of desperation.

But the larger of them does not answer, not with words.

Their answer is a wordless melody. A song of creation, a song of worlds, stars, the empty vastness of the space between. A song of the eternal journey, and a song of a home lost, a home yet to be found.

And slowly,

peacefully,

I fall asleep to the gentle sound of my mother's voice, and return to the dream.

***

ARE YOU SATISFIED, SMALL ONE?

“No, not really. You waited. Why did you wait? So many lost… so many gods, deities that we may never see again. So many of those sparks of life you find so fascinating. Was it worth it?”

EVERYTHING IS WORTH IT IN SEEKING A GOAL, EVEN IF THAT GOAL BE THE LIGHT OF ANOTHER SHADOW.

“And per usual, you make no sense. Well, I guess at least you kept your promise… for the most part. And only after the cost of an entire plane, and so, so many souls…”

THE CYCLE CONTINUES. ALL IS AS IT SHOULD BE. GOODBYE, SMALL ONE.

I sigh as I collapse to my back in the middle of the intricate series of magic circles.

As it should be?

AS IT SHOULD BE!?

Why does the administrator make no sense!?

And why am I cursed to remember this, no matter how many times I die, no matter how many times I choose to be reborn without memory!

Fate is cruel… and I don’t mean the poor thing at Lamashtu’s mercy.

Memory is cruel. So, so cruel, even for a god specifically of the Domain.

And I can’t believe I’ve met that monster… the dreamer. Or the dream, I suppose? The administrator told me once, but it didn’t make sense then either. At least it didn’t kill me I suppose.

All I know is it protects that thing for some reason, and I don’t know why.

That horror.

Maybe I should just die again. I don’t want to remember any of this.