For the Record

She just watches from a distance now.

My wife I mean. The one I can still reach.

If I wanted to.

…

For a time, she’d float near me. Wherever I went, she was there. But over time, the distance between us grew.

And eventually, she stopped entirely.

The most contact we have now is the bonds. Our link. And all it radiates is disappointment. Despair.

A profound feeling of loss.

…

I took away her hope. But maybe she shouldn’t have hoped to begin with.

I’ve certainly learned better of it. I’d dared to hope Izahne would be easy to find. Or at least easier…

Everyone is useless. Everyone.

I’ve tried every connection I have, everyone I could think of… and every idea I’ve had, every single one.

Nothing.

Nothing at all.

She’s gone, and I don’t know where.

At one point, I’d feverishly used the words of creation to bring her to me, or me to her… or even to find where she is.

Also nothing.

Nothing.

How? I thought this… whatever it is, was supposed to be omnipotent. It was supposed to be why the gods of old gave it up when they created the Record. All I have to show for it is decades spent in a supernatural coma.

But it’s useless too.

Everything is useless.

And there’s another pang of despair. It’s clear that Artemis can still read my emotions.

My thoughts too, I’m sure.

…

Nyx has been silent for years now. Completely silent. No thoughts, advice, not even a snide comment.

Maybe I miss things… not making sense.

At least when I didn’t understand, I was trying to understand. Now I understand too well.

I understand that it was all a waste of time.

Vivianne has thrown herself into her work, still coming to give me daily reports as I float aimlessly in the remains of my throne room, in the remains of my castle. The maids still work furiously in an attempt to hold it together, but I can’t bring myself to care. Most of the damage to the structure I caused myself.

I’m not sure why I hold back when it comes to harming them, though. Something about it feels… wrong, somehow.

The same as it would to harm Vivianne, or Omorth, or Pearl.

Or Artemis.

I still feel something inside me, distant… something kind of like affection for the divine beast.

But I know it isn’t mine. It’s Astraea’s.

I’ve long since rejected that I’m the former demon lord. She would know how to handle this, or at least how to process it.

Instead, I’m alone with this yawning emptiness, pointlessness.

But I know that I don’t know.

And it doesn’t matter one bit.

…

…

At this moment, my centipede knight enters again… and I simply wave her away.

The same as I have for years.

Years, upon years, upon years.

I let out another deep, rumbling sigh, the release of pressure rattling the skeletal castle I inhabit and loosing more stones to crash into the ground.

And once again, the maids scurry to gather them.

***

What do I do?

What am I supposed to do?

I’ve all but given up hope. Nothing I do or say reaches them.

My wife is out of control.

I… could fight them. But over the past several decades, they’ve gotten stronger – so much stronger.

Strong enough to put up a fight, even if not enough to…

I don’t want to kill them.

…

I’ve followed the customs per normal, just like every other war between the pantheons in the past… mortals fighting, mortals dying, mortals being resurrected or reborn or simply replaced… my warriors fight valiantly as ever, or foolishly I suppose, considering the most I ever offer is an order to advance.

Tactics have never been my strong suit. Everything I’ve ever hunted was simply overcome by flanking of some kind, so I’ve never had to practice it.

And when I was first born… I’m fairly certain I wasn’t even fully sentient, just another fox monster in one of the many forest planes, fighting to survive. Lucky enough to avoid the hordes of roaming adventurers as well, long enough to grow, and even gain a Class and self-awareness with it.

But for all my years, all my experience, I have no idea what to do with Nemesis.

The pantheons have both agreed that they’ve reached a point that they’re comparable to Lamashtu herself… in function, though not strength. A calamity. A natural disaster, something that happens and can’t be averted, only avoided.

Mostly because they don’t listen. To me, or anyone else. And I suppose I can understand why, to some extent.

They feel abandoned.

By the pantheons, their supposed allies, everything they took for granted.

That everything would just work out if they did the right thing, went to the right place, talked to the right ‘human’, had the right idea.

I’d say I don’t understand why they’re so fixated on the other one, but I do.

I suppose it’s why I’m still watching them, and waiting.

Maybe someday, they’ll come back to me.

She’ll come back to me.

Maybe someday.

***

How long has it been?

I’ve killed so many. Tortured so many.

Children are always the worst. They don’t understand. At least the adults recognize me as the monster I’ve continued to become. But the children…

They simply look at me with confusion, and then betrayal.

Why are so many brought before me so innocent? Have they been hand-picked, raised in loving, nurturing homes?

Homes like mine was?

I barely remember it.

I barely remember anything.

Am I meant to break them, or are they meant to break me?

One thing I know for sure is that Ceto is truly a monster.

…And I can’t go against him. I can’t even call for help… my Skills are limited to what he allows, when he allows them, and most of what he allows is simply to torment.

I was a paladin once, I think. A paragon of virtue. A ‘hero’, in a sense.

But now I’m just a slave.

I’ve lost track of how long I’ve been here, and the damage I’ve done.

I am truly defiled… and am beginning to forget myself. I struggle every day to hold on to the pieces that remain, but they slip through my fingers.

Blissful are the times when I’m not called for. The monster calls for one of the others, or all of them even.

I understand that the war has been happening for many, many years… though when it began I may never know again.

All I know is torture. Taking, and loss.

Maybe that’s exactly what he wants.

And I don’t know how to keep him from getting it.

…

At least I’m not in his harem, I guess. That would be… a whole different kind of torment.

***

I’ve long since fled! Big sister got scary… she just kills things now, lots of things, and people, for no reason at all.

I think she’s still just attacking the light people’s people, but sometimes she just kills whoever she wants… usually a lot of adventurers who fight. The fancy knight brings them to her, and she kills them.

The other hero who keeps coming here talked to me once, he didn’t make a lot of sense though. He kept talking about the one goddess, but somehow I don’t think he was talking about the one that keeps sending him here… considering he keeps calling the ru… ru… the girl in the pond that. And he keeps coming back, and she keeps killing and eating his body, and he never believes it was her.

I’m not sure what he wants with her.

This plane is a lot better, though! The fox lady let me come here, and I get to fight a lot of people! I’ve gotten a lot stronger too, way higher than level 0 where I started again when big sister…

…

I miss her. I want her back.

I want her back the way she used to be. I want to sit down and drink the leaf water and fruit juice and tarts and talk about fighting, and whatever Markus is making, and the monsters in the dungeon I fought, and what the snake lady is doing (her blood tastes good, but I’m not sure why).

She used to be so nice. Why is she bad now?

Why is she so scary?

I don’t understand.

I don’t understand anything.

But I guess I’ll just keep fighting for now. I’m her hero…

Maybe I’m supposed to get strong enough to kill her.

I don’t want to, but maybe I don’t have a choice.

Maybe I have to. She’s so scary though… I’ll probably never be strong enough.

I still have the dresses she gave me, but I never wear them anymore. Just this armor… which doesn’t protect any more than my scales, they’re way harder than anything the mortals make.

I guess I’ll have to wait and see… like she used to say sometimes.

I’ll just have to wait and see.