For the Record

“I’m here, I’m here, I’m finally here!” I say, spinning in an excited circle with my arms spread wide.

Markus, following behind me, answers with a sigh. “Yes, yes, we’re here. Why in the multiverse Ebisu would send you here is beyond my understanding… there certainly doesn’t seem to be much room for profit here, at least not beyond that of the other planes… and did you feel that chill when we arrived? Is this entire damnable plane a dungeon?”

“Does it matter though?” I ask, tilting my head. “We’re here to fight the demon lord, right? That means the entire plane is evil!”

“Now, now,” he chides, “few things are that black and white. You know this.”

It’s my turn to sigh. “These are all monsters though, right? And uhhh subjects of the demon lord? Can’t we just kill them all? They seem pretty weak…”

I glance around with Identify, and sure enough, I don’t see a single villager over level 90, where I’m already over level 600 myself. Heroes level so quickly!

“That defeats the purpose of reconnaissance!” Jayge snaps, the party rogue fixing me with a fierce scowl. She always seems to be in a sour mood though, so I’ve long since learned not to let it faze me. We wouldn’t even need her if my unexpected patron hadn’t changed my Class… what am I even supposed to do with my general scouting Skills when I’m a ‘Hero of Commerce’?

Well, whatever. It’s not like the Skillset is actually that different from any other Hero Class. I even have the title!

It’s right then that a gorgon walks directly in front of me from around a corner…

I reflexively draw my sword and bisect it in one smooth movement, while my party looks on in horror. The monster villagers around us begin screaming and fleeing in terror while Markus simply slaps his hand on his forehead – the one that isn’t hauling a large bag of books, anyway.

“Uh. Oops?” I say sheepishly as a swarm of wraiths seems to practically rise from the ground around us…

Or literally from the ground around us. Just how many are there? They don’t seem to actually be attacking for some reason…

A… what is that? Some kind of person appears before us in a flourish of gray light.

“We do believe an explanation is owed. You should begin speaking now, before we deem other measures necessary,” she says flatly.

The gray-skinned woman furrows her brow as I fail to subtly Identify her, but that’s fine. “What exactly is a dungeon subcore avatar doing here?”

“You have not answered our question. We offer one further allowance before initiating countermeasures–”

“That won’t be necessary, Dahlia. I’ll handle this myself. Please return to your post.”

“Yes, master.”

My eyes are still reeling from the sudden flash of blue fire that apparently brought whoever interrupted the subcore when they continue speaking.

Or she does, while idly conjuring a gazebo from nowhere… normally I’d have thought it must have been from someone’s dimensional storage, but this one definitely formed from some kind of…

Ash? I think that’s ash.

“Well, come on. There’s no point to standing around gawking like idiots, is there?”

She sits demurely on an ornate chair inside the roofed frame, separated from another set of chairs by a compact table with a round top – all similarly made of ash.

A gray-skinned maid appears with a tray holding a gleaming silver tea set, the kettle already steaming. She wordlessly serves four place settings at the table as Markus, Jayge, and I dumbfoundedly take our seats as well.

“Thank you, Nula,” our unexpected host muses to the bowing attendant, who promptly vanishes again. “Now then. I see you’re a True Hero, so I assume you are here for one reason, but I’m not uncivil. Go on and explain yourselves, I’m feeling patient.”

While she sips her tea, I glance at the four… people? Standing in attendance behind her. Other than the fox-eared woman in furs I noticed earlier, there’s also some kind of gleaming obsidian swordsman, as well as a fairly normal looking woman in formal attire and yet another of the gray-skinned people – this one in intimidating coarse black armor. Every single one of them save their apparent master is leveling a harsh gaze my way.

“It was, um. An accident?” I stammer while my party holds back a sigh.

“Oh? Is that so?”

…

She doesn’t say anything further, at least for the moment, and instead continues to visibly enjoy her tea. Then it occurs to me that she looks… familiar? At least a little bit? I’m not sure where from though.

“Nemesis, yes?” Markus chimes in. “Why are you in goth lolita cosplay?”

Oh, right! That one! Wait, why is the fox woman bristling?

“Because my wife enjoys this fashion, thank you very much. Now, let’s wind back to the point. You’re a True Hero, and I’m a True Demon Lord. Also I asked you a question. Why are you here?”

“To kill you,” Jayge snaps, “obviously.”

Nemesis blinks. “Hmm, let’s see then. A level 637 hero, 593 mage, and 512 rogue. No, you don’t stand a chance. I’ll tell you what though, since I’m feeling sporting. If you can clear the old forest dungeon, I’ll speak with you again there.”

The maid appears again and clears the table, quietly tutting at our untouched teacups, before once again vanishing.

“In fact, since you’re a loose cannon and I can’t be bothered to resurrect every one of MY PEOPLE that you stupidly choose to attack for no gods-damned reason… Arty? Would you please send them there?”

Another glare meets us before we ourselves vanish in a blinding burst of fire…

And we appear in the entryway of what is clearly a traditional, subterranean dungeon.

…

“What just happened?”

***

“BY ALL THE HELLS!” I snarl, storming across the castle to my throne room. “Now there are two of them? This is getting out of hand!”

Vivianne chuckles lightly in my wake. “Because of who you are, oh my esteemed demon lord.”

“We don’t have to kill them, do we?” Izzy asks. “They were our classmates.”

With a massive sigh I drop onto my throne, gesturing for Artemis to take hers as well, which she obediently does. Good. Good girl.

She whines quietly in response, but that’s fine. I’ve accepted her eccentricity as like my own.

“Hopefully, I won’t have to. Either the dungeon will kill them for us, or they’ll just fuck off to wherever they originally came from. Although I assume they’d be easy enough to kill. Well, whatever I guess.”

Izzy doesn’t seem at all satisfied by my reaction… and neither does my bond with Headmaster Owyn.

Huh.

“Or maybe I’m not allowed to kill them, I guess. That’s probably why they’re here, or whoever sent them, uhhh. Sent them. If she’s a hero and I’m a demon lord, but I’m not allowed to kill her because she’s under the rabbit’s protection, it gives her a clear advantage. I wonder if I can… no. I’m not allowed to have one of you kill her either. Ugh.”

“Trap?” my fox wife offers helpfully.

I nod. “That’s certainly an option… or the obstacle course– no, I’m not allowed to do that either.”

…

“Could you talk to them instead?” my second first wife asks…

And honestly… that’s not a terrible idea.

“I guess I could try it.”

***

Not even a full day later hero party number two is already outside the gate to my dungeon audience chamber, so I present myself as expected. As soon as the door opens the three rush in with a clamor and suddenly stop.

“Oh, it’s an actual audience? I thought-”

“Yes, yes,” I interrupt, “everyone thinks it’s some kind of joke. No, this is not a joke, yes, I am actually offering you an audience. The test comes first though!”

“What kind of test?” the mage asks, already starting to flip through three books at once, all floating in the air in front of him.

“Combat, of course. What, were you expecting math? I’m going to pick one or more retainers who are sure to give you an interesting challenge, and after they mop the floor with you they’ll offer you pointers and tell me whether you pass or fail.”

The hero squints at me. “What happens if we fail?”

I shrug back. “Then I send you back to the dungeon entrance, and you’re welcome to try again.”

“You aren’t just going to kill us?” the short human in leather armor asks.

“Well, accidents happen, but that’s not the intent. Ah, similarly, I expect you’ll use dueling rules as well. I can personally resurrect anyone in this chamber except you… although I suppose I could do that as well.”

The challengers glance incredulously among themselves while I give them another once-over with appraisal.

“Given your party makeup, I think this time I’ll go with… Hm?”

I notice in the corner of my eye that Izahne is looking at me expectantly. “Yes, Izzy?”

“Izzy!?” the hero blurts, “Izahne!? Is that you?”

My wife offers her a sheepish grin while scratching her cheek with one finger. “Um. Yes, it’s me, but we should talk about that later.” Turning back to me she asks, “Would it be alright if my party is their test?”

“Huh. Really? Well, if you want to. I guess in a sense you’re already an antihero party. Oh, but Nyx should probably sit this one out. Sorry, you’re way overpowered.”

My personal angel of envy appears in a burst of black feathers hovering above my throne. “Hey, whatever. I only left behind my work – which I was in the middle of by the way – to come all the way here for this all-hands whatever again. Why should I care if I don’t even do anything? It’s definitely my fault that they’re so weak I’d effortlessly rip them apart.”

“Yeah, sure. Whatever. You could have just ignored me.”

A trademark Nyx facepalm is my reward as Izahne, Pearl, and Omorth step forward – levels 871, 793, and 598 respectively. The animated sword has worked hard to catch up, but he’s not there yet. Meanwhile, my wife and her friend have been working hard.

Very hard, for some reason. I absentmindedly give my wife a brush with Consume in my satisfaction, to which she quietly gasps.

But there will be time for that later. Now, on to the show!