First Song

The family reunion downstairs sounded like it was going about as well as expected. There was a lot of fake laughter and forced politeness carried in the tones I could hear making their way up to my room. I was really starting to feel guilty for leaving Sarah with those horrible excuses for human beings.

The sounds of multiple sets of footsteps bounding upstairs made me hold my breath, but they soon disappeared off towards the spare room. I let out an anxious sigh and flopped back down on my bed. I couldn’t take this dread the whole weekend.

It didn’t take more than a few hours to see that there was a big flaw in my plan to hide in my bedroom – my bladder. Even though Sarah and Dad were bringing me food and drinks, I still had to use the damned bathroom.

To remedy this situation, a plan was forming in my mind, but I texted Sarah just to be sure that she was okay with it.

Me: I really have to use the bathroom

Me: Can you keep it clear for me?

Rah: Ofc let me be a distraction

Me: Love you sis

Rah: You too sis xXx

I’d never had to be this stealthy about entering a bathroom in my life. I was so lucky that that part of being a trans woman would be something I’d never have to experience.

For fear of being seen, I was extra careful. I pulled on one of my old hoodies – it had been too big even before I started university. I felt like I was wearing a tent. I pulled on a pair of old jeans, too. Those were absolutely massive on me now as well, and I had to find a belt to keep them from just slipping off me.

I unlocked my door as quietly as I could, taking a peek outside. No one seemed to be around and I could hear the other adults downstairs, chatting. Right then, it’s now or never.

‘So dramatic,’ Muse opined, entertained.

With my hood pulled up, I quickly moved to the bathroom across the corridor and slipped inside. The door was closed and bolted behind me before I had even had a chance to breathe. Phew.

This weekend was going to get old very quickly if I had to keep doing this, but I didn’t see much alternative. Unless I really wanted some kind of massive family drama to explode in our faces, I had to just hide in my room – like a good girl.

I sat on the toilet with my head in my hands as I considered everything that was happening right now. An alien parasite thing was living in my head, and was changing me into everything I’d known I should be.

‘Symbiont,’ Muse corrected.

Yeah, yeah, okay. An alien symbiont. The symbiosis between us made me levitate mobile phones when I wasn’t careful. I’m going to save the world but now I’m cowering in the bathroom from my bigoted and thoroughly human rubbish Aunt and Uncle. This is ridiculous.

‘I wondered how long it would take for you to see how absurd this all is.’

Still, I didn’t want to make trouble for Mum, Dad and Sarah. They didn’t deserve that to happen to them.

I saw to my business in the bathroom, then skittered back across the hall to the safety of my bed. Yes, I washed my hands.

I was brought food by Sarah that evening and she vented to me at everything she was having to deal with when it came to our cousins. Strangely, it mostly seemed to be Stuart that was the problem, and he was taunting his brother, Michael.

That was odd. I don’t remember Michael ever being willing to be a doormat. He had always been the more assertive of the twins.

“What was he saying to him?” I wondered aloud.

“Oh, he was bringing up things where he could be sure as many people heard as possible,” Sarah replied. “Asking him why his girlfriend had dumped him, why he’d quit the rugby team – that kind of thing.”

“Weird,” I replied back, shrugging my shoulders.

She smirked, “Yeah. Apparently his parents didn’t know these things either, so they were interrogating him, too.”

I was starting to feel a little uneasy about that, but I didn’t say anything. It seemed that Stuart had turned into a shit-stirrer. That’s not good news if he sees me.

Dinner was some lamb chops, roasted vegetables and new potatoes. I’m not overly keen on new potatoes but they seem to be the big thing at this time of year. Give me a good ol’ jacket potato any day – with lots of butter. Mmm.

“Thank you for keeping everyone busy while I ran to the bathroom,” I said between mouthfuls of food. My body was demanding more again, so something was up.

She shrugged back, “It’s no biggie. Anything for my favourite sister.”

I rolled my eyes at her and she giggled.

Once I’d finished eating, I pushed my plate to the side and reached out to her for sisterly hugs.

She obliged, and we sat cuddling for a little while.

“How are you finding the changes?” she asked me after a moment.

“I’m absolutely loving them, but I really can’t wait for all this to be over with.”

We released each other from the hug and she studied my face a little more closely. “I bet. You’re starting to look amazing, by the way. I thought you said it would take three weeks?”

I nodded, smiling, “I guess there are things that still need to be done that we can’t see.”

Sarah took my empty plate back down once I was finished eating.

The rest of my evening was spent asleep – though I was woken up once by what sounded like one of the boys knocking and trying to talk to me. They were calling out my deadname through the door. I groaned quietly and went back to sleep, ignoring them.

---

I urgently needed the bathroom again when I woke up in the middle of the night. And I thought Mum had a weak bladder.

Not bothering to do much more than throw my hoodie on again, I rushed out of my room, across the hall and slammed the lock in place. Within moments I had found the seat and was allowing it to all flow out. Much better.

I was just finishing up and about to flush, when there was a knock on the door. Moments later, someone tried the door handle.

My whole body froze, my fingers reaching out for the little metal handle. Great.

Using my other hand, I attempted to reach for my jeans pocket where I kept my phone – I wanted to try to get Sarah to help. My fingers just brushed against my thigh. There was a moment of panic as I realised that I hadn’t put any trousers on. My phone was still across the hall, in my bedroom, and I was bottom less.

My mind raced, trying to think of what I could do. There was no way back to safety without crossing the hall, and that meant being seen by whomever was on the other side of the door. Maybe it was Sarah? Or one of my parents? Though they had their own bathroom – en-suite – so maybe not them.

Fuck. Fuck fuck.

I readied myself, and pulled the flushing handle. The time it took for me to wash my hands was all I had to think of what I would say to whoever was on the other side of the door. Maybe I could just be Sarah’s friend? But then what was I doing in my room? Screw it, it’s worth a shot.

Looking down, I saw that my legs were looking as feminine as the rest of me was. Lowering my eyes down to my shins, I was pleased to note that I had much finer hair than I had even just a week ago. All the older, thicker hair seems to have fallen out at some point.

Hands cleaned and dried, I pulled up my hood and tugged the hem down to cover my upper thighs. A quick breath later, I unlocked the door and slowly pulled it open.

I couldn’t see anyone at first, but as I stepped out I heard a voice ask in a quiet, low voice, “Uh, who’re you?”

It was Michael.

I blinked at him and his question. I imagine I was looking just about as scared as I was feeling, my eyes wide.

“I’m... Erin,” I managed to say, my voice shaking. I quickly stepped aside so he could use the bathroom.

“Hey, I’m Michael,” he said with a smile and a voice that was a little deeper than I remembered him having.

We stood like that for a few seconds, me waiting for him to go into the bathroom and him just watching me. Awkward.

Well I can’t just walk into my bedroom while he’s watching! What the fuck do I do? Think.

Slowly, I began walking towards Sarah’s room. Maybe I could still follow the plan of pretending that I had stayed overnight? It was all I had, really. I was just about to open the door to go into her room when I heard the bathroom door close and the lock engage.

Fucking finally. He’d probably been checking me out the whole time I’d been walking away, too. Ew.

Being certain not to make a noise, I crept back down to my bedroom door. Without a sound, I slipped in and locked the door behind me.

I was still shaking when I got back into bed, picking up my phone from my bedside table and frantically typing out messages to Sarah.

Given it was the middle of the night, I didn’t expect her to read my messages until she woke up in the morning.

Me: Fuck fuck Michael just saw me

Me: I told him my name and then pretended to walk to your room

Me: Sorry I panicked

The adrenaline from the encounter kept me awake a bit longer, and I just lay in bed feeling awful.

Eventually, my phone still resting on my developing chest, sleep overcame me.

---

- Sarah -

The LED on my phone was flashing softly when I woke up. I grabbed it, catching up on all of the updates I’d missed overnight.

I saw a few texts from Erin and grumbled to myself. Well, as long as she’s okay, that’s all that really matters. We’ll just act like there was someone here sleeping the night, that’s all. God, this is all getting so complicated.

I rested my arm over my eyes and let out a frustrated groan.

No, we can do this.

After getting up and ready for the day – which included a shower – I was all set to get some breakfast. I’d need to get some for Erin, too, since she was still hiding out from the horrible part of the family.

I tended to get up earlier than most of the rest of the family, except that first day after Erin had come back. She seemed super eager to go running, the weirdo. She had really got into that whole badminton and fitness thing and was making me feel really unathletic by comparison.

There wasn’t anyone in the kitchen when I went down to get food, which was nice, but I couldn’t eat it in the living room. That was where they were sleeping.

Instead, I stood around the kitchen eating for a while, shovelling cereals into my mouth like a barbarian. I’d take Erin’s food up to her once I’d finished with mine. It’s just easier that way.

My mind wandered off to thinking about everything that had happened recently. I’m still really amazed that so much had happened since Erin had come home. Muse seemed a little strange, too. I would never have believed that she existed – I still freak out a little bit to think an alien is living inside my sister.

An actual alien. From another planet.

Still she seemed nice enough and Erin was absolutely certain she was friendly. She’d started all of these changes to her body that were making Erin happy – happier than I ever remember her being.

I shivered at the thought, hearing the thumping of multiple people coming down the stairs together. It was Michael and Stuart. Oh great.

A few rushed spoonfuls of cereal later, I was quickly cleaning up my things.

I gave the boys instructions on where to find everything they needed to make their own breakfast. While doing that, I gathered the things needed for Erin’s breakfast.

Just as I was finishing up and about to leave the kitchen, Michael asked a question.

“Who’s Erin?”

There wasn’t even a hint of hostility in his voice – he was just curious.

“Uh, she’s just a friend that stayed the night,” I replied, glancing over my shoulder to him.

Oh great, Stuart was taking a keen interest in the conversation. His eyes were darting between us, his attention focussed.

“Tell her sorry if I scared her. I didn’t mean to do that,” Michael said, giving me a smile and reaching for the milk from the fridge door.

Huh.

“I will. Thanks,” I responded, stepping out of the kitchen and towards the stairs. I had something in each hand and had to step carefully.

---

- Erin -

I awoke to a tapping on the door and the sound of Sarah’s voice. Instantly, the pain of an impending migraine had me rubbing at my temples. It felt like it was going to try to cut my head in two. Goddess, what now?

‘We’ll be starting another part of the change soon, Erin. This one may need you to remain unconscious for the duration.’ Muse said to me through the fog of pain.

I staggered out of bed to allow Sarah into the room. She immediately set the bowl and a glass of juice down on my desk, then turned to me with concerned eyes.

“You look awful. Is something wrong?” she asked, peering at me. I was starting to notice that the difference in our heights didn’t seem to be as large as it once had been.

I gave her my best forced smile and shook my head, “No, Muse has just informed me that I’m going to be going through another round of changes.”

‘If you wish for the pain to subside, all you have to do is ask,’ the alien inside me commented.

“Oh god, please,” I said aloud, causing Sarah to lift her eyebrows questioningly.

The pain immediately began to lessen and I felt like I could think again. I sat down on the edge of the bed, relief washing over me.

What the hell was the deal with that migraine?

‘I am masking the pain that you are feeling as your neural pathways are reconfigured to fit inside a smaller skull.’

What.

… Alright, maybe Sarah didn’t need to know about this. Even I was starting to freak out about the idea of something messing with my brain. My family definitely didn’t need the extra worry.

‘I said that we would get through this together, Erin. I will ensure that nothing goes wrong.’

“What’s happening, Erin? What changes?” Sarah asked now, her hands coming to rest on my narrower shoulders.

“Oh, it’s fine,” I said as I looked up into her eyes. “Muse is just going to be rearranging some things and it hurts a bit. She thinks it might be best if I’m unconscious for them, though.”

She leaned down to wrap me in a hug and I couldn’t help but return it. “I’m too scared of what that might mean to even think about it right now. Muse, please make sure you look after her, or I’ll be coming for you.”

---

- Sarah -

My brain was completely taken up with worry for Erin when I went back downstairs. It looked like my Auntie and Uncle were awake, too, as the living room door was open. My feet were having a hard time carrying me inside, and I had to wilfully force myself to enter.

“How is Erin, Sarah?” I heard Uncle Chris ask as I crossed the threshold. He had an amused smirk on his face, and he was eyeing me up and down. He was standing near the TV, leaning against the wall. Yeah, he was that kind of person.

I blinked and turned towards him, apprehension rising up from the pit of my stomach.

“She’s fine, thank you,” I replied, giving him a fake smile.

“Do we get to meet her?” Auntie Linda asked me in turn. She was sitting on the smaller of our couches. That was my seat.

“Uh, no, she’s sleeping at the moment,” I answered. I wasn’t liking where this was going. How did they know about Erin?

I glanced around to see Stuart watching me with a smug smile. He was lounging in one of our dining chairs. Oh god, how I hated that boy.

Feeling like this was all going badly, I backed toward the doorway.

“Oh, I bet you kept her up quite late last night,” Uncle Chris said with that mocking glint in his eye.

Wait, what?

I stopped retreating to give him a confused expression, my eyebrows pressing together, “I’m not sure what you mean.”

“I could tell when your little rebellious phase happened that you had probably been taken in by all that nonsense they teach in schools these days,” Windbag was starting to say. “Like it could be natural for women to be in love with other women. Psh. Please.”

She was starting to laugh at me then, with Uncle Chris joining in. Snivelling little Stuart behind them was also contributing, giggling like a hyena. It was only Michael that I saw looking ashamed of what was happening. He sat quietly in the armchair, his arms folded. Huh.

“Do your parents even know that you’re a gay?” Uncle Chris asked, venom in his voice. “If you were my daughter-”

“If she were your daughter, she’d have disowned you for the utter piles of shit that you are,” a voice said from behind me.

---

- Erin -

I was furious. Muse was keeping my anger in check, but only just. My eyes felt like they were boring holes into Uncle Chris’s eyes as he stood there sneering at my sister.

I was wearing the hoodie now, but with my face exposed. I had on a pair of baggy trousers, too, and looked pretty ridiculous – but I didn’t care. They didn’t get to speak to Sarah like this.

“Oh, are you Erin?” asked Auntie Windbag, amused.

“What, you don’t recognise me?” I spat back.

Michael was staring at me now, his eyes wide. I think he’d put two and two together, though the rest of his family seemed a bit slow on the uptake.

“Recognise you? What are you-” she continued, but cut herself off. Her eyes almost bulging from their sockets.

I could hear some thumping on the floor upstairs, but it was background noise right now.

“That’s right. I am Erin, but you used to know me as David,” I managed to say, almost choking on my deadname. “I’m transgender.” And proud, bitch.

Sarah was just looking at me aghast, though I knew it was because I was putting myself into the sights of these animals for her sake.

There was an awful moment of silence, then Uncle Chris burst out laughing, “You’re a transgender?! And your sister’s a gay? I knew your parents were lax but I didn’t realise that they’d let you go completely off the rails.”

That was when Sarah grabbed my arm to pull me out of the way as Dad came barrelling into the room.

If the tension in his jaw and the set of his eyes was anything to go by, he was livid. If he’d been a cartoon character, steam would have been coming out of his ears.

He grabbed Uncle Dickhead by the shirt collar and literally hauled him towards the front door. Dad was physically much bulkier than his brother, and he used that fact to his advantage now.

“How fucking dare you speak like that to my daughters?!” Dad bellowed into my Uncle’s face, their faces barely centimetres apart. “You’re a bloody disgrace. You’re no longer welcome in this house, do you hear me?”

Mum had opened the door for him, and he forcibly heaved my Uncle outside. Uncle Dickhead tripped and went sprawling onto the grass. His expression was one of complete shock, mixed in with a little bit of terror.

Dad could be scary when he wanted to be.

Mum now moved to usher the other members of their family out of the house. Auntie Windbag barely said anything, just stared at us all, dumbfounded. I guess we’d collect their things and throw them outside later.

---

‘We need to lay down now, Erin. It is time,’ Muse interjected into my thoughts.

I reached out to hug Sarah, pulling her into a momentary hug, then turned to leave. “I need to go be unconscious now,” I said to her, smiling faintly.

“Be safe, sis. I’ll see you soon, okay?” she replied, returning the smile warmly. Her attention was then drawn back to the familial disaster that had just occurred.

The lack of fanfare or farewell was a good thing. It made this all much easier for me to do.

Thinking that it might be a little while before I woke up, I quickly got myself ready for some time unconscious and whatever Muse had in store for me. She’d said it could take two days to complete. I got dressed back into just a t-shirt and settled into bed.

The moment I closed my eyes, the lights turned off in my mind and I fell into blackness. I had the impression of someone wrapping me up in their arms, comforting me as it all faded away.